How to Show My Negative-nellie Son the Glass Is Half-full?

Tell him the story of the man who picked up rocks for every bad thing that happened to him. Eventually, his pockets were full so he started carrying a backpack. That became heavy and he pulled a wagon.

As his life became long and lonely, his sore body bent and hunched and tired hands from picking up and arranging piles of rocks, he grew more angry and depressed. A local college heard of this man's massive rock collection and the geology department came down to inspect and study the rocks.

Every room in his house was full, piled high of rocks. Some were little pebbles, others greater in size. He showed them, "this is when a lady cut me off in line" or "this is when I got a toothache and couldn't be seen by the dentist until the next day".

After an entire afternoon of this, the students asked, "okay, now, where are the other rocks?"

"What rocks?" the man replied.

"The rocks you picked up every time something good happened to you?'

The man realized, that he spent so much time and energy picking up rocks for the negative things in life, he never took the opportunity to enjoy anything in life.
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So, maybe, after telling him this parable, you can say, "It's fine to talk about things that may be bothersome, but for each negative thing, I want you to think of something good about it as well."

I wonder if it is a male thing?

My husband can get in these moods and I pull him out of it , by joining in and saying even worse things about what he is pouting about.. He usually catches on and stops..

One of my best friends husband always sees the negative. It is comical in lots of ways and he is good about laughing about it, when we point it out.. He will start on about something in a negative way and we will all say together..."Doom, Doom, Doom!" He cracks up. I even had a tshirt with this on it..

We also had a little female friend that walked around with a sulk on her face and was very negative in a very dramatic way. Her family was always so perky and upbeat, but this girl always seemed to be under a dark cloud.. When I was around her, I would try to "outdo" her negativity so far and so ridiculous, she used to end up laughing when she realized i was kidding her..

Try some different techniques and see if he can break this bad habit.

I am also a "negative nelly" as my mother would say. I always plan for worst case scenarios before looking at what good can come of a situation. What helped me was the "fortunately / unfortunately" game that was taught to me in grade school. I always play the fortunately unfortunately game in my mind when a situation starts to overwhelm me into negativity. It's an exercise in creativity as well as a way to look at both sides of a situation.

The game starts with the teacher or parent either taking on the role of the fortunate or the unfortunate and the student/child picking up the other role. Eventually you have the child take on both roles.

You start by making up a story. It could be anything. For example "Once upon a time there was a handsome prince." There is your platform. Then YOU say something unfortunate about the prince.

"Unfortunately his parents always made him eat all his vegetables at dinner time."

Then the child must come up with the "silver lining". Which would be something like.

"Fortunately, after he ate his vegetables he was allowed a slice of cake!" or "Fortunately after he was done with dinner he was allowed to ride his horse!"

Then you continue and play off his "fortunate" by bringing up the dark cloud again. Example: "Unfortunately it was a carrot cake." or "Unfortunately his horse didn't want to go outside today."

Then your child must come up with a fortunate to counteract this turn of events...

It was a skill building tool to help kids think creatively but I've found that it had a side effect of helping me think positively in the face of my perceived adversity. I always think of the "fortunately / unfortunately" game whenever something poopy happens in my life.

My car breaks down. I'm terribly upset and thinking horrible thoughts like "oh no! what if this is going to cost me more than I have in the bank to fix!" or "I'm stranded on the side of the road until the tow truck comes, I hope another motorist doesn't hit me!"

So in my head, I play the fortunately / unfortunately game. I take a deep breath and think, "Unfortunately, my car broke down. Fortunately, by this evening it'll all be taken care of one way or another and I'll be safe at home."

Calm is restored. If you always start with an "unfortunately" you can't help but finish with a "fortunately" even if you get into a loop and find another unfortunately to think of after your fortunately, there's always another fortunately around the corner.

My personal opinion is that it's more instinctive than anything. I probably focus more on the negative - I don't know if it was a learned behavior from my mother or if it was easier to prepare for a worst case scenario to protect myself from getting hurt.

I have to make a concerted effort each day to see the silver lining.

Interestingly, when I was diagnosed with cancer, my instincts were just the opposite. It was the day before my son's second birthday and 2 days before mine. I was so worried it was going to ruin our birthdays, but the opposite happened. Cancer opened my eyes to everything wonderful.

I make myself and my kids (now 2 and 3.5) say something we're thankful for each day. Without question, I'm always thankful for my husband and my kids. It's really fun to get their perspectives because it usually involves some kind of movie character or junk food - that's OK, they're understanding gratitude.

Perhaps another way to look at his attitude is that he's constantly seeking to improve things - he may be looking at the world through a different set of eyes in an attempt to make it better. That's how I think I do which other people can perceive as negative because they believe it's OK how it is.

Good luck!

Hello,

So, we have to work with what we have, and if he starts a lot of sentences with "the problem is...." I would then have him solve the problem...you could ask him "how would you solve this?" Some people are born with a temperment that makes then lean to being a pestimist, but what you could do is see that there are many problems, but we also have the power to resolve, and change them so that this does not become a greater problem in the future. Also talk to him and point out to him that things don't always go as planned; however, show him also, that he survived the experience! Life is full of problems, we just get to solve them!

S.

Like Janet, the first poster, my son has mild autism (Asperger's) and does the same thing as your son! I try to counteract it as much as possible with a positive view of things - in Disney World, if he would say "the problem is, this line it too long," I would say...."great, I have time to finish my drink!" or "It is a chance to get some sunshine and Vitamin D!".
I think his outlook could be swayed (but maybe not 100% changed) but setting an example. I think that practice could help also, as others said, at the end of the day (or even at the end of an event), you could ask him to tell you some great things about it.

Our seven-year-old son was that way. Give him a piece of cake and he'd complain about the piece given or the plate color. Sunny day, he wanted rain. Nothing made him happy. People described him as a sad boy. He now takes Celexa and it's made a huge difference in his attitude. He also has ADHD and I think it's just another issue in conjunction with that where his brain isn't quite right. In our son's case, medication is helping him enjoy life like everyone else.

You need to read the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. One of the things she talks about is "Negative first reaction". She also says that it can be good at times -- she credits her son's negativism from keeping them from what she first thought was the perfect house until her son brought up the fact that there was no place in the new house for their piano (baby grand?) and the lawn would be impossible to mow (way to hilly).

I don't have experience with this but with some behavior we haven't liked with my daughter (much younger than your child) we have ignored it for the most part and eventually she's stopped. Maybe when he said it the first few times it got a good laugh out of everyone and now it just continues. I know you said there is no big life issues but could it be a way to get attention? I don't think you have to just accept it but try not to give it so much attention. What if you made a point at dinner or bedtime each night to talk about 1 good thing that happened that day. Talk to him about it the first time about seeing good things in life not just bad things and how you feel about it, and that you will start each night with your good thing first and then everyone else has to do the same thing - make sure everyone follows the rule of it has to be a good thing without any complaints. Maybe this will help him to focus on positive things. Maybe in the morning remind him to watch out for good things so that he can share at dinner/bedtime. Plus it will get some good conversations started too.

Be careful.you don't want him to pick up on your frustration with him :O(

It sounds like you're drawing attention to the fact that it 's a negative reaction. You don't want him to think YOU THINK he's negative all of the time. You need to ACCEPT his response, as he's being thorough in life and notices every detail. After he has stated "the problem".......then you need to show him the bright side...........find a positive to say afterward.

The problem is......it's raining out here!
You say........thank goodness we have umbrellas and it's beautifu!.

Anything to find positive........I bet, if you're consistent enough, he will learn to say the positive all by himself :O)

~N. :O)

I'm to wonder where he picked up the language? And the behavior? He may be an old soul, so too speak and he heard the language and experienced the behavior from someone. And the turn around would be practicing gratitude, all of you. Everyone in the household speak in terms of what you want and if the is a problem, use verbage that supports open possibilities.

My 17 year old son with Asperger's autism has the same problem. We try to consistently tell him that we do not want to hear about the problems, only the good things. I also make him start each day by giving me a positive thought for the day. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't.

My 9 year old is the same way. He can find a negative in everything. On one trip to Disneyland he actually kept a mental list of all the disappointments - forgetting a fanny pack at home, our not being willing to turn around and go back to get it, not getting to pick where we stopped to eat dinner, not, not, not... oh my gosh. It got to the point our family was jokingly taking bets behind his back as to how many minutes it would be before he complained about the next disappointment. We had to laugh to ourselves because most of them were so minor, but to him they were so upsetting he would be upset about them for 30 or more minutes. Shortly after we got home from the trip we started him in counseling (obsessive compulsive disorder goes back many generations in our family & this complaining is a symptom of how he handles things no going perfectly according to his mental image of how things should be). As a family we are helping him to look for the positive in things before the issue spirals in to a mountain of disappointment that is hard for him to deal with. Over about a 6 month period we are actually starting to see changes in his attitude. The counselor helped him to realize that there are things he can't control & to be okay with that.

When my kids complain or sound negative, I do the ridiculous exaggerated version of complaining, as one other poster also mentioned. i start out just agreeing, and then add too it until it goes so far that even the complainer has to argue against what I am complaining about.
If you can help your son to laugh over it, it could help.
Sometimes the worst experiences make the best stories also---which is a real social asset, I can tell you---in terms of humor and drama. Everyone loves to hear those stories.
But if it is just tiny stuff...the only way to make it positive is for him to use the "noticing" to his advantage, figuring out how to make things better the next time. After a few years, he could become a great planner!

BTW, I totally believe you about this being his natural temperament. I have someone like that in my family. She actually has a good life, successful career, world travel...but she has a way of holding onto negative thoughts and feelings, holding grudges, etc. It detracts from her life to a degree definitely, kind of holds her back it some ways, because she is afraid to really try for some of the things she wants most, out of fear/expectation that it won't work out...and do I feel sorry for her for that.

The rock story reminded me of a Zen parable. Something like:

Two monks were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her.

The senior monk carried this woman on his shoulder, forded the river and let her down on the other bank. The junior monk was very upset, but said nothing.

They both were walking and senior monk noticed that his junior was suddenly silent and inquired “Is something the matter, you seem very upset?”

The junior monk replied, “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The senior monk replied, “I left the woman a long time ago at the bank, however, you seem to be carrying her still.”

---
A variation of this story is included in the wonderful children's book "Zen Shorts" by Jon J Muth.

Who knows, maybe some Zen philosophy for kids could help your son reflect on his own negativity? (I know it helps me reflect on mine ;)

Karen, thank you so much for your post! My son is not quite eight years old, and sounds exactly like yours! I can’t tell you how many times we hear “Well, the problem is (or was).” Our concerns are that : On one hand we do have several family members that are quite negative and are somewhat unpleasant to be around for longer periods of time. So my husband and I desperately don’t want him to pattern those behaviors. But on the other hand I don’t want to appear dismissive, simply continuously disregarding or making light of my son’s concerns, and eventually making him feel like he can’t turn to me with any of his problems. So for my husband and me, remaining supportive while encouraging him to see the bright side is somewhat of a dilemma.
We are constantly trying many of the suggested approaches. I did love the idea of the “Fortunately/Unfortunately” game! Thank you, Nicole – we’ll most certainly give it a go.

Hello K.,
I know how exhusting this is as have been there myself. I will share some of what we learned that helped us . 1. We had to limit contact with people that are negative becasue the child was emulating their behavior. 2. We had to keep focused on the positive and help our child relearn how to follow our example. For us it was caused by my husbands battle with cancer and death- so you might wish to go through your list of family or friends that the child hears you talk about and see if that is on his mind?3. We shared each day at dinner 3 things we learned,saw,did that day that was positive/ uplifting.
It would be easier to ignore your child's actions but not responsible as a parent or adult. Think of him as a pre teen, teen and then adult if you don't help make a change now. I wish you all the best in your journey in parenthood.

I wonder if your son is different politically from you the way that I am from my parents? People who value positive thinking tend to be politically conservative. Your son by seeing the problems may work as an adult in a problem-solving field.

I agree with the mom who told the rock story. I teach, and when I have to give (constructive) criticism I ALWAYS sandwich it between two positive comments. Maybe encourage him to do this as well...the negatives will eventually not stand out as much.

Good luck!

My 28 year old son also constantly focuses on the negative and all the limitations he faces. It's his basic personality, although I do think it might have been influenced by interactions when he was in school. I think you might try to find a good therapist and see if he can work his way out of it. Otherwise, all you can keep doing is focusing on the positive. Perhaps something will happen that will change his attitude.

(I had even hoped my son's trip to Cuba would show him how fortunate we are here in the US, in terms of material things, but it didn't even make a dent on him!)

My then 8-9 yr old daughter was also this way. I often tried to get her to see the "bright side" of things. Finally got so fed up that I told her that I wouldn't listen when she started with the negative. I'd put up my hand and walk away (I'm not a nice mom, I know). She had to re-phrase for me to stop and listen. We've had talks about 1/2 full vs 1/2 empty. Also the old addage of "if you don't have something nice to say, best to keep quiet". She is not the most optimistic person now, but is much improved - think at least SOME of it was just a habit. I didn't expect her to be Pollyanna, just use the power of positive thinking. Don't think I've hurt her core being, just taught her to think before she speaks to see if things are really so bad... best of luck to you.
V.

You say you aren't a particularly "sunny" person. Maybe he has picked up some of this from you, but is exaggerating it. I think you need to try to ignore his negativity as much as possible, and concentrate on showing your positive side to him. The ideas given of trying to find something positive in each negative are great. Keep him focused on the good in life as much as possible without making his natural negativity and issue. The more you focus on his negativity, the more you will reinforce that side of him.