Fix the Attitude

Maybe you could have him volunteer at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen so he can see what a terrible life really looks like. Other than that, I would continue asking him every day 'what was good today'. I do that with my GD - every day after school, I ask her to tell me at least ONE good thing that happened. Now I don't even have to ask, she just volunteers the info because it's become a habit.

Is he negative or is he analytical?

I only ask because I am "analytical" - growing up I got constantly told to be positive, to be grateful, to be *different* than my natural tendencies.

I am a process improvement manager at a large IT company. I save companies MILLIONS of dollars each quarter by being what some would call negative. But if you want your project or process flow to work - I am the best at figuring out what is going to make it productive and profitable.

When you son "complains" that his cell phone is old - engage him in conversation about what it would take for him to get an iPhone. Let him figure out the solution. But when you shoot him down for being negative or ungrateful you are squashing his natural analytical tendencies. You're also closing an important door of communication. He thinks he's partnering with you, so when you tell him you don't want to hear it you are telling him you don't care about how he feels. That's not the message you want to send, I'm sure.

To parent this kind of kid is tougher, if he is analytical. But the best inventors / top CEOs / great managers..... these people have these traits. He may need to learn to *translate* his natural thoughts into phrases that other people prefer to hear.... but as a parent it's our job to help them use their natural talents.

now - if he won't engage in solutions.... THEN tell him it's an attitude issue. But maybe give him the benefit of the doubt first and help him hone his analytical skills.

Time to show him how great his life is. Start volunteering to work at a soup kitchen or a food bank. He needs to do PHYSICAL work, like packing boxes and washing dishes or scrubbing floors. Seeing how pitiful some of these people are.

It will do two things, M.. Make him think twice about how lucky he is and make him shut up. Both are good.

There's nothing wrong with natural consequences. He does NOT get a smart phone at 12, just because he wants one, and ESPECIALLY because he seems to think he's entitled. If you give him one, then you had better gear up for more demanding, more surliness and more rudeness because he will know that it WORKS.

It reminds me of when I was young and my mom would give me housework to do when I complained that I was bored. I learned pretty darn quick to not say that I was bored because she would definitely FIND me something to do... You had best start using that approach.

That sounds pretty normal for a 12 year old. They are at a point in their lives when they are very self-conscious and truly think everyone is looking at them and judging them. They also don't generally have a very good perspective on things. You know he has it good - loving parents, healthy food to eat, plenty of material possessions - but his perspective is really to compare himself to his peers.

I understand what you mean by negative attitude, but sometimes we all just need to be able to talk about the things that are bothering us. Maybe he needs a chance to just let it all out. You could try letting him have, maybe, 5 minutes to talk about what's bothering him but after that you want him to tell you 10 good things that happened (or whatever balance sounds appropriate to you).

You could also try some things to help him gain a better perspective. Maybe the two of you could volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Sometimes kids need to see what life is like for others.

I used to work for a church. We would provide a meal to a local homeless shelter once a month. One month the youth group made the meal and took it to the shelter (might have served the meal as well). Our youth minister was driving one of the students home and noticed she was staring out the window, almost in tears. The student said she lives in one of the richest subdivisions in our area, and she was making food for people who otherwise wouldn't eat. That one night was life-changing for her.

Keep in mind that those middle school years are some of the most difficult for lots of kids. Find ways to reach out to him so that he knows you are there for him. Yes, you want to encourage a more positive attitude, but also cut him some slack. Life just isn't always easy when you're 12.

I totally agree with Gidget's wise advice -- this is normal at this age, and some volunteering with those less fortunate could help.

To add to that: Take care that you don't announce to your son, "You need to volunteer so you can learn to appreciate what you have and not be so negative!" If he realizes that's your agenda, he's going to resist and will look on the volunteering negatively too. See if you can get a friend of his, or a couple of friends, to participate in the volunteering as well. Is it something his Boy Scout troop does -- provide service or volunteering? If not, can you prod the leader to do it? I would not just wait on Boy Scouts, though. Find some opportunities and let him choose. He should volunteer doing something he cares about, so he doesn't feel it's forced on him for his own good like it's moral broccoli.

Have you talked with his Boy Scout leader(s), teachers, baseball coach, or other adults he sees regularly (parents of his close friends, adults at church if you do church, his music teacher if he has lessons etc.) to see if they also hear this negativity? Sometimes kids this age can be just fine and positive with other adults in other settings, but come off as very negative and even whiny with parents.

If these other adults all say he's participating, he's generally positive, he takes responsibility well, he interacts healthily with other kids on their watch -- then try to ignore as much of his at-home negativity and whining as you can, because he's doing OK. But if he is perceived as the "negative Norman" overall in his activities, or avoids interaction or participation consistently, there is something larger going on. If that's the case, I'd get examples from those adults and consider whether he needs to see a counselor. But otherwise, this is pretty normal.

I know you feel you don't want to hear the negatives any more (I've been there!) but do let him get out some of his negative vents at the start, without your commenting or correcting him. He needs to know he can get out some of these thoughts and you'll listen. Then you can start redirecting him with questions. He may feel overwhelmed and mad at you for saying "List something positive right now!" but may do better if you ask some leading questions: "What did you make at the woodworking event today?" "Why was English class bad today?" "I know you were concerned about the history paper--how did it go today?" Elicit some details from him and let him talk. And sometimes just flat-out distract him with something positive: "Hey, there's a baseball team party next week--what do you want us to bring for food? You can choose!"

My daughter is 13 and can "go negative" at times, though overall she is positive; however, she does have a few friends who are a lot like your son, always finding the down side of everything and making a negative comment about whatever's being discussed.

Regarding the cell phone, that's separate to me. When it comes to wanting an object (as opposed to complaining about an event or activity), that's time for saying once, "Sorry, no iPhone's in the future, if you don't like the current phone you have you can always leave it at home" and then saying nothing else at all. Be deaf to "I want, I want" but listen to "I was mad" or "This was bad." Big difference, in my book.

Definitely normal at this age, although think about it very carefully. If he's truly negative about everything, find some checklists online about clinical depression. Kids can get it and it's easy to brush it off as being typical when it is far more serious. May be worth contacting his pediatrician for input.

My kids have gone through this. It could be a few things.

He could be hearing constant negativity from his friends.
He could be hearing constant negativity from you or his Dad or another family member. Kids mirror their parents. I was rather negative for a while and didn't even realize I was being this way.

It could also be hormones or diet or that he's lacking certain nutrients or vitamins. His serotonin could be low. Or he could not be getting enough sleep- that would make anyone moody.

If you think it's physical then I would mention it to his pediatrician.

Don't rule out that he does not truly like Boy Scouts or baseball. Was it his idea to join? If he is not happy in either one, then take him out and find out what really interests him.

If he's unhappy about not having the latest iphone maybe he can do without any phone for a week.
Model behavior for him.
Make a point of listing off the things you are grateful for and have all the kids do likewise - he can fake it till he makes it.
Volunteer in a soup kitchen and have him with you - let him see people who have some REAL problems so he sees how silly his 'oh woe is me' attitude is.
Don't rule out hard physical labor.
My Mom had me digging out a garden bed for roses with a pick, shovel and wheelbarrow.
You have aches and pains for a few days but that garden looked SO GOOD when I had it finished I couldn't help but feel proud for all the hard work I put into it.

Check out the teen version of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. This is not something you can probably "fix" from the outside, but if you can learn to listen to your son compassionately and draw him out, both of you may have a chance to discover what's at the root of his negativity. (I have yet to use the teen version, but the original book is pure brilliance, and the basic techniques are really simple.)

My adolescent years were truly awful in so many ways, and that was back in ancient times when the world still made more sense than it does now. So there's plenty for young people to feel despair or anger over, and I seriously believe that personality plays heavily into negativity, too. He probably can't change his basic personality, but he could find it desirable to coach himself into more positive interpretations of his experiences.

Wishing your family well.

so, this attitude is a new thing for him? it's not his natural personality?
i think i'd be as annoyed as you, but it's probably best not to overreact to it and make him feel on some level as if this crappy 'tude gets noticed. instead of *telling* him to stop talking about negatives and focus on the positives, make sure that your reactions are in line with what you want- ie do not respond to his kvetching with anything. at. all. no change in expression, no discussion, just go on about your business as if he weren't there.
the caveat to this is if he asks for your input. then give it, simply and honestly, without trying too hard to spin it happy. we don't want our kids to feel as if the door is closed. but that doesn't mean you reward negativity with attention.
when he DOES mention something in a positive fashion, give him the positive reaction of engaging him, but again, don't go overboard and puke rainbows all over him. just make sure that you are responding positively to good attitudes and giving zero reactions to negative ones.
and i also like B's response. if you absolutely canNOT ignore the bitching, calmly turn the tables. an old cell phone is better than no cell phone, and a boy scout event with friends might seem a whole lot more fun if the alternative is rebuilding your stone wall around the back yard.
khairete
S.

Did you ever see that show "World's Strictest Parents" where the troubled teens with horrible attitudes would go live with tough Christian families for a few weeks? It was so good! Religion aside, it has great ideas for projects and discipline for bad attitudes and ungratefulness. Of course it boils down to making the kids realize how good they have it and that they need to earn respect by respecting others and all that, but stream a few episodes for free for good ideas. Google the show, you can see it on CMT or youtube.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

Ditto CoMoMom. I'm extremely analytical. It's great when I find other analytical pals, otherwise it's a huge burden. Stop him if you can. It's a bummer when he has no friends.