Why Are My Kids So Violent with Each Other?? Need Advice

I had a similar situation with my 2 boys who are 22 months apart in age. The day the 2nd child was born, my eldest came to meet him and the first thing he did was throw the toy trains that the baby "gave him" at the baby and managed to him him in the head with the trains. Ever since that day he has hit the baby, etc. Time outs and screaming, etc didn't help at all either... and they are both complete angels when they are separate. I think what helped me the most was the book "How to behave so your children will to". The most important lesson from the book was to give lots of praise and attention when the children are behaving well. So be sure to spend more time praising them for playing well together and showing them that you think they are wonderful sisters so that they get the image in their heads that they play well together. Kids really live up to your expectations, so if they think you think they are good and play well together, they are more likely to behave this way. I also noticed that whenever I had a positive attitude and tried really hard to look for good things my eldest was doing (e.g., praise him for playing quietly, etc.), he would behave a lot better.
Also, I think the 3 year old age is the hardest in terms of violence in kids, and when my eldest turned 4 he really settled down and seemed to be less violent. Try not to interpret it too much and think that she will be a bully forever because I can guarantee you that they will grow out of it, especially if you can avoid letting them get the a self-image that they are violent or "bad". Good luck! She will grow out of it eventually (probably by the time the new baby comes), so stay patient and positive with her.

Sounds like you need to help the older one to feel better about being a big sister. If she feels angry at her sister for taking her things, or taking your attention, you can sympathize with the feeling at the same time that you teach her to express her feelings better. "Please don't hit your sister, that hurts, if you want my attention, ask for it and we can do something fun together." Teach her survival skills for dealing with a two year old, including making a trade or taking turns with stuff. Sharing is hard, taking turns is usually easier for small children to learn, but you have to model this for them. Play with them, teach them how to get what they want. Help her to feel special, look at all the cool things she can do that a baby cannot do, look at how much her little sister loves her and wants to be just like her! Help her want to be gentle with her sister because she is so little. Don't be angry at her for her feelings, just help her express them better. Punishments, especially spanking, will only teach her that violence is an acceptable way to deal with feelings.

My sister and I fought all the time physically when we were little and now we are best of friends. It doesn't mean they don't like each other. Or that they'll treat the baby bad. I would suggest however putting them in a padded room for awhile...oh just kidding...they are going to love the baby. They might even take time out to love it and hang around while you do special things. Just be clear that there time here on earth is limited if they hurt the child in anyway. Kidding again! Anyway, you can certainly give them consequences now so they stop some of it. It won't minimize all of it, but will head them into the clear future that anything that harms baby will not be acceptable. And now that you know this about me, too, we grew up to have some very non violent careers. My sister does police work and I'm currently a special ed aide. So not to worry.

I recommend a book called "Siblings Without Rivalry." I can't remember the authors' names offhand, but they also wrote "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." If nothing else, it might help to know you're not the only one whose children fight! But also, I think it may give you some strategies for helping the girls cope with their feelings and fears about each other. Best of luck,
G. M.

That sounds intense! Is the oldest one in preschool? If not, see if you can get her in something starting in January before the baby comes - even half-days would be nice. I'd also schedule as many activities as you can for them. It sounds like they are very energetic - run them ragged with outdoor activities and walks. No TV on days they fight.

Keeping our high-energy boys busy is the best way to keep the peace, I learned this summer. A lot more up-front work for me, but when they are idle they start to fight out of boredom. Our boys also get chores to do when they fight. It's half punishment and half working off steam. It has to be age-appropriate, but just make it physical and time-consuming and in separate rooms. For example, one kid may be watering plants while another is vacuuming. Washing kitchen cupboards with soapy water is another example. They know if they start fighting and ignore warnings, it will be "chore time" for everyone for the next half-hour, and it does seem to help.

My kids are older and didn't really fight that much at the age yours are, so I'm not sure if this helps at all - I do feel for you though and hope you find some solutions.

I recommend the following resources...

http://drphil.com/articles/article/148/

http://drphil.com/shows/show/919/

http://drphil.com/articles/article/297

http://drphil.com/articles/article/48/

http://www.mothering.com/digging-roots-innate-nature-chil...

http://www.mothering.com/notes-children-and-violence

http://www.mothering.com/ask-experts-rick-hanson-0

Best wishes,
J.

Best wishes,
J.