Marriage Problems - Porter Ranch,CA

M., it's obvious that you are hurting. It's terrible to be related to someone who is cold to you. It's bad enough when acquaintences are that way.
However, their treatment of you is nothing new. Maybe it's just all come to a boil and you can't take it anymore and I'm glad you're getting help for it. You have to know that giving your husband an ultimatum is only going to make him defensive. He realizes his parents aren't going to change. Nothing you threaten your husband with will make them change. I think your husband accepting how his parents are is a far cry from condoning their behavior. It's possible for him to have jerk parents, stay in contact with them and still have a marriage with you separately from all that mess. They're HIS parents, let HIM deal with them.
I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like there is more going on than the way his parents treat you. You say he's betrayed your trust. I would deal with each one of those issues at a time. The lines about why you feel so unloved by him might be blurred somewhat.
Your husband might need to change, but so do you. You can't allow rude in-laws to completely take your sense of self away. Whether or not you feel loved or complete as a person shouldn't depend on them. And, in all honesty, it shouldn't depend on your husband either. Maybe your marriage can't be saved at this point, but you need to know that you are a strong, worthy, valuable human being regardless of anything or anyone else.
You have feelings and they are valid. But don't make the mistake of losing all sense of self esteem because of things others do or don't do.
The only person who is in control of your ultimate happiness is you.
I don't know the extent of everything that's happened, but if you want out of your marriage, I wouldn't give your in-laws the satisfaction of knowing it's because of them.
They're not going to be around forever.
My sister has a mother in law who has said and done some awfully rude, hurtful things and my sister pretty much avoids her at all costs. However, her husband and his siblings have a relationship with her. She drives my brother in law crazy and really ticks him off sometimes, but she is his mother. And, my sister isn't about to give up her husband because his mother can be completely tactless and puts her nose into things that are none of her business.
If my sister ever gave her husband an ultimatum over it, he'd show her where the door was. Not because he chooses his mother over his wife, but because he's a grown man. He's not responsible for his mother's actions and my sister knew exactly how his mother was before they ever got married. It was no secret. He's told his own mom off at least 1,000 times. She'll just respond with, "Well...what got into YOU today?"
On any given day, there's at least someone in the family not speaking to her over something. This kind of thing, in and of itself, is not worth losing a marriage over. My sister and her husband have been married 16 years.
She doesn't feel stabbed in the back that he has a relationship with his mom. She thinks he's a glutton for punishment. :)
But, again, it's HIS mother. He deals with her or he doesn't. She's not my sister's problem.
Your in-laws aren't your problem either. You basically have no communication with them. Leave it at that.
Working on your own self esteem and getting through other trust issues with your husband seem more important to me than trifling with them.

That's just my opinion and I really hope things work out for you.

Best wishes.

Thank you ABM, your right.

This is what I would do.
I would say - " Your right honey, thank you for the advice. "
I would NOT sleep on the couch again.
Don't think about them again. If they come around ~ ignore them.
Relax.
Spend more time with your husband.
Live for today and not tomorrow.
Understand that you can NOT change anyone ~ only yourself.
Choose to be a happy person. = )
Smile a lot.
Giggle often.

Be sexy for your husband ~ he needs to see that in you again.

Be fun again.

Don't waist anymore time thinking about them.

If you just stop everything right now and try half of what I said you will see things change for the better right in front of your eyes.

Remember this ~ Don't sweat the small stuff.

LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE

= )

You and your husband have a SEPARATE life from his parents. Let him have his relationship with them...whatever it is (doesn't sound like he's really welcoming them into his life) and you have your relationship with him. He's right. Don't give him an ultimatum. He is putting you first by not forcing his parents on you and you even said he doesn't have much of a relationship with them either. He's also right in that you CANNOT change them. You can only change you and how you react to them. What is it you want from him...specifically? Do you know? Please get right with your husband. Don't sleep separate from him. Y'all need to have your own relationship and not worry about what his family does or doesn't do. Their loss! Hang in there! Blessings.

I can tell from reading how hurt you feel. I think what you really want here is to have someone make you a priority, to FEEL that important that someone would care and make you their priority. Whether its his parents or HIM. I feel that you lack that and it's an emotional need.

I think what your husband is trying to tell you (change yourself inside, bc they cannot be changed) is dead-on. You cannot continue being hurt by these people as if it's some big SHOCK they act this way. By now you know this is how they treat you and it's your choice to continue letting them hurt you by those behaviors.

You should ask yourself why you so desperately need the approval, acceptance, desire and love from others so badly. Those needs are so intense, they are ruining you emotionally and now effecting your marriage. Something is missing that is causing you to indirectly focus your anger and feelings of rejection on the in laws. That missing thing is something only YOU can provide yourself.

I have a feeling that you have not accepted *you*. Reason being: you've allowed the inlaws to treat you this way for 17 years and you have allowed your husband to mistreat you and lie to you.

They do this bc you allow them.

Stop allowing others to have that much emotional power over you. They'd probably do the same thing if he were married to another woman.

My MIL is pretty wicked. I always imagined being so in love with a guy and just falling in love with his family, too... and we have all these wonderful moments laughing and hanging out and meeting up for lunch for no reason. WRONG.
my MIL turned on me the second we got married. suddenly I became her beck & call girl, a slave! If I didn't do something for her that she wanted, she'd lie to family and tell everyone I want her dead. Its horrible manipulation and she does it to her son too. She will be so sweet on some days but absolutely wicked the next just picking fights and criticizing everything I do with my children.

it hurt me in the beginning and i wanted to FIX it. (fix her)
but after YEARS dealing with it i realize i cannot change her. i was giving her the power to control me emotionally and allowed the negativity to occupy my mind.

I finally let it go and now just laugh about how rude or crazy she is. I smile and nod, respond in sarcasm and politely change the subject if needed... then laugh inside and to my husband later.

.

the first year of marriage was the time to address this, not wait until 17 years later. Don't talk to them, don't talk to your husband about them, throw their pathetic bday cards in the trash and FORGET THEM! If they happen to see you and speak to you, be cordial but keep it short. Your husband and kids can continue to see them but you don't need to feel obligated to. when I turned 39 and was divorcing my husband, I realized life is too short to waste it being unhappy and I decided to remove all negative things and people from my life. and it has been a wonderful thing. i hope you can do this as well, try it, its easier than you think!!!

M.,

I could have written your post! Please know that you are NOT alone. My inlaws (including BIL's and SIL's) are also cruel. I also read your post about your BIL and SIL's. Forget them (all of them - MIL, FIL, BIL's and SIL's)!! Unfortunately, we cannot choose our inlaws and these are the people we are stuck with. Just put all of your focus on improving your marriage, and the hell with the rest of them.

Do NOT socialize with your SIL's anymore! There is no law that states that SIL's must be friends and must go on an overnight outing together! So what if they planned the event and asked you to come? So what if you were not involved in the planning?? Keep your social life separate from your family life. Stop being friends w/ your SIL's!!! I learned that lesson the VERY VERY hard way. My SIL's are also two-faced and talk/email bad behind my back. Both of us have all the power, which is KNOWLEDGE. We have the knowledge of knowing that they disgrace us behind our backs. Use this knowledge to your advantage by NOT being friends with them! Just be nice and civil to them at family functions, but do NOT tell them anything personal of any nature. Save the personal stuff for your non-family friends.

Forget about your cruel MIL and FIL. They are miserable people and you are allowing them to bring you down. Please don't go down with them!

You said your husband betrayed you in other ways? I don't know what he did, but I hope it wasn't too bad. If it wasn't too bad, then move on with him and try to better your marriage. If his betrayal was really bad, you might have some soul-searching about your marriage to do. Best wishes.

Hun, my in laws wrote an 8 page letter to my DH stating how I am a horrible person, a terrible mother and on and on and on. Now I am supposed to just suck it up and act like I never read it and treat them like family. It makes me sick! But . . . I love my DH and I love my children and I know that having us together is more important than what these people think of me. Does it hurt? Yes! Does it hurt that he won't stand up to them and therefore it feels like part of him agrees with them? Yes! Can I do anything about it? If I want to tear my family apart, sure. Is that going to change their opinion of me though?

M.,

Your husband's parents will die old and alone, if you don't want to do the same you have two choices:

ONE: Get your relationship with your husband (independent of his parents) in order (IF you love him and he loves you), IF you feel your marriage is worth saving.

TWO: Kick his butt out and let him go live with his parents.

Blessings....

letting them get to you gives them power over you. My husband and I went through something a little similar - not exact but similar. We actually moved away from both of our families, which made a big difference. Just forgive them and let their words run over you like water. Not forgiving them is like you drinking poison and hoping they die. The only one getting hurt is you. no it's not fair, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with it, but you just can't depend on others to be who you want them to be. If it bothers you so much, stop complaining to your husband and go to them and talk to them as an adult - non confrontational. I don't mean this at all to sound harsh, but I remember saying these same things several years back. Then, I realized I was allowing them too much control over me by letting my feelings and emotions be determined by their words and actions.

I completely understand why you feel the way you do. The man who has promised to love, respect, support and protect you has been doing a REALLY shitty job the entire marriage and is even allowing his crappy behvior to get worse.

Why stay marriage to a 'man' like this? He doesn't seem to know what being a man, husband or Father really means - probably because his parents weren't the best role models. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE - he will not suddenly grow into a wonderful man and husband, just like his parents will not turn into good people.

Get out - go to therapy for yourself, concentrate on improving your life and your children's lives... ALONE, without him.

I will tell what happened with my parents (fortunately this happened very early in their marriage):

My grandfather was a mean, bigoted man. He used to make fun of my mother (after she had 2 kids, she gained a not-small amount of weight). Anyway, when they went for a visit to her ILs (my dad's parents), her FIL was just being really nasty. My dad didn't say anything or try to stop (I think he just wished the problem would go away). My mom stood up and said to her FIL, "Bob, I refuse to let you treat me so disrespectfully." To her husband (my dad) she said, "Sam, I'll be waiting with the kids in the car." About 5 minutes later, my dad came out. He got in the car and drove away. From that day on, her FIL never said anything like to her again (he did pick on other family members, but not us or my parents). And my mom is 100% sure that my dad said something to his dad in those 5 minutes, but she doesn't know what.

Anyway, long story short, I think you should stop laying this on your DH (if you can) and squarely put the blame and problem back on the shoulders of his parents, where it belongs. Yes, he should stand up for you, but chances are he's spent a childhood and young adulthood getting the same treatment, and when you're that browbeaten, it is really hard to break the cycle.

Tell him that you're putting the responsibility back on his parents. Tell him you love him (remind why you fell in love in the first place, if you can, so you can be sincere when you tell him). And tell him that you understand that you may be putting him in an unfair position by asking him to fight your battles for you. Do tell him that you will be confronting this directly, and that you do expect that he will not take their side when you call them on it.

Then, next time you see them and they start in on you, tell that that for years you have accepted their terrible behavior but no more and walk out the door & get in the car (or if they are at your house, tell them to leave).

If your DH won't support you when you stand up for yourself, then maybe it's time to separate for a while and decide if it's worth it to continue

your in laws are selfish, welcome to the club, would you like the brochure ?
women having problems with their in laws have alot to do with how womens roles have changed over the decades, and how your in laws views have not changed because it isnt to their advantage,if they pull themselves out of their 1850s thinking, then they might actually have to do more for themselves, instead of pressuring you to do it for them, and pressuring your husband to get you to do things for them. the best favor i ever for myself was telling my bil and first husband that i was not, under circumstances, going to be caring for their mother any more PERIOD. suddenly, her sons were having to tend to her every waking moment, she had gotten to the point were she would not feed herself, dress herself, nothing. finally, they knew what i had been dealing with for 15 years, and they didnt like it one bit, six weeks after i drew that line in sand, she died of complications from a fall, that she did on purpose.
K. h.

I'm so sorry! I can relate with my in-laws. Some people are really just mean and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm used to getting along with people really easily. If there are issues, usually it gets worked out, so it's driven me crazy with my in laws that I can't figure out how. Their level of selfishness and manipulation is beyond my understanding (and I'm not the only one who is a victim to them. My other SIL has had yelling fights with them, and my MIL's SIL refuses to even speak to her anymore because my MIL was so offensive).

Anyway, my suggestion is to remove yourself from them. Do NOT see them anymore. It's not being mean. It's standing up for yourself. If your husband isn't going to stand up for you, then you need to do it. It REALLY is okay to decide that you've been mistreated enough to not allow it anymore. I think you would do good to not have them in your life anymore.

As for the hubby, I don't know what to say. Just that I'm really sorry that you are feeling so alone!

my husband never supported me either when it came to his sister and her daughters, even thru a ugly arument over the phone with them, he didnt side with me, not that he told me anything but its like, hunky dory when ever they're in contact when im around.

i've just learned not to associate with them in bbq's, birthdays. and when i have to go big function, i just stay away from them. i built enough repor with hubbys cousins and aunts and uncles that makes me feel loved.

you cant separate your hubby from his parents, inlaws specially female can really manipulate, so just stay away from them. sounds like him being mean, could be he is torn. i suggest let him visit just not with you. except the fact he doesnt have ur back in this case only, and stop bringing it up. when my husband speaks of the sister and her grown daughters i simply say, ' not interested '. eventually when no one joins him including ur kids, he wont go as often, my hubby doesnt even go anymore.

good luck and chin up!

I can tell that you are really hurt and family is really important to you. Because you have been putting yourself through this for 17 plus years. Donot see or talk to them anymore. I was in a situation similar to yours for a short period of time. My inlaws befriended me in the beginning but all they really did was back stab me and tried to break up my marriage. So I stop socializing with them. The only time I saw them was at family gatherings, funerals and special events like weddings. We spoke nicely to each other then but that was it. They never came to visit us but my housband visited them. They were his family, not mine. I didnt have to see them. They were the least concerned about me and I felt the same way. They werent putting any money in my pockets or paying my bills so I told them to kiss my @$$! All Im saying is, dont stress over them. They have been treating you like this for almost 20 years, they are not gonna change. Dont call, see or even think about them. Just focus on your housband and kids cause they are whats important.

My in-laws are the same exact way, I felt like you were describing them. However, my husband does defend me, and at first he hated confrontation but I let him see how horrible he would feel if it were my family doing this to him.

Now, your husband is another story. This really has to do with what you want to do. If it were my husband that didn't back me up I wouldn't really be able to forgive, it's a slap in the face. Do what you feel is right, and what makes you happy. Clearly you aren't happy. So do whatever it takes to be happy again!

I have a similar situation. My MIL did not like me and was not so nice to me. she was rude to me but only when my husband left the room. Fast forward, after about 8 yrs of that my husband and I, who never fight, started to argue because I felt the same way you do. I felt that he needed to defend me. he felt that I needed to ignore her. I felt that he should respect me enough to MAKE her be nice to me. he did not want confrontation. finally, finally, he agreed to talk to her. In his own way, not MY way, his. He took her to lunch and told her that I am the woman that HE chose and he is sorry that she did not choose me but that he is happy. he told her that if she continues to disrespect me, he will not be spending time with her. She tried really hard in the begining and now it is much better. She may not love me but she is much more respectful. Your husband MUST speak to them as an adult if he respects you at all. Sounds like you have much deeper issues than this though. continue your therapy and keep in mind that this marriage may not be the 'forever one'. you deserve respect and to be able to trust.