Husband at "Breaking Point" - Need Help!*EDIT*

H.,
You are not alone in your confusion, particularly where the post natal lack of libido is concerned, I am in the same boat. I don't think that the affect this has on a relationship can be underestimated. I have talked to my doctor about it, but as I am still nursing, have not found much help. She did offer a resource called the "woman's center" in DC, as far as a counselor and someone to talk too. You might look it up.

Aside from that, I think that becoming a first time parent is a whole new ball game and there is no play book. You may be doing a wonderful job at it and yet have to be your own worst critic, because unlike your professional job, there is no certain measure of success, it will have to come out in the was when your daughter is grown. The daily routine of mommying, altough pleasurable to many, is uncertain to professional women and also easily isolating. You have to have faith and believe that your work has purpose and you are there with your daughter for a reason. I find that the spiritual certainty that my husband and I enjoy is WHAT is keeping us together right now, as I have lost my job, my libido and my own professional ambition. You just have to believe in yourself and in god, say a prayer and don't think too hard and undermine your own success as a woman. Your husband is there for a reason.....

Marie

You, my friend, I would bet the farm, are clinically depressed. You need to get yourself not just a therapist but a psychiatrist, and (forgive me) possibly some medication. I speak from experience. I've been in your shoes. Show your husband my email because I know that you aren't capable of taking action to help yourself. Here's what I say to him:

Find your wife a doctor and physically take her there. If the doctor writes prescriptions, get them filled yourself and supervise that she takes the medication until things start to improve. It's very hard to understand the incapacitating feeling of depression unless you're experiencing it. You're right - she can't be the kind of mother that your daughter deserves - because she can't help herself. She needs you.

H., I urge you to do whatever you can to get help. I promise - I PROMISE - your life will get better and the tears will go away.

Good luck.

Jenny

Find a therapist that wil help you personally to get to where you want to go. Regardless of what happens with your husband, figure YOU out and the rest will come. It doesn't sound like you're completely without goals. You have become a nurse and that takes time and effort to achieve. You take care of your daughter, which is extremely time consuming and goal oriented since your goal is that she stays alive, eats and stays clean and dessed. So you do have something. Reach out a religious leader in your community or an elder or a therapist and ask your husband to come. You may not know what's wrong, but perhaps if you can show him that you're willing to do something, then he will stay long enough for you to work it out.

I wish you the best.
A.

I haven't read anyone else's advice yet, but I think you really need to get therapy and probably start on some sort of anti-depression medication. It is amazing how much your life can improve and change when you find the right therapist and right medication. Not everyone needs meds, and not everyone needs to take them forever (that was my fear when I started taking them once) but they can really help in the right situation and really help your thinking become clearer and improve your coping skills tremendously. Just from reading your post, I think you are very depressed, and you are hiding it with feelings of "numbness". When you are able to start truly feeling (with the the help of therapy, etc) I think things will truly improve with your life in general, and with your ability to relate to others, to communicate with your husband, etc, etc. Maybe you should show him your post so he can see how you are feeling inside, if you can't tell him verbally, or trying writing things down for him. Writing is sometimes much easier than talking. Good luck!

I would agree with Jennifer, you are depressed. Ask your OBGYN for some references and call them all and go see them all. You are asking for help which means you want to get better. If you had cancer, you would seek help, right? Think of yourself as being sick and needing to see a doctor. Tell your husband this is what you want to do and you need for him to be understanding when you have doctor's appts, etc. Good luck and please update us on your progress!!

As far as your interest in your husband, you don't say whether you are still (or ever) breastfeeding your child. It is very common for moms who are still breastfeeding to have not had their period since before pregnant when the baby is 1 year old. It is a hormonal thing.

Is it possible you are dealing with postpartum depression? Is this all more extreme than before you were pregnant?

It's good that you see that you need to talk with someone. The effort will be worth it. Good luck.

I'm sure this won't be easy for you to accept, but it sounds like you're suffering from depression. While I do not suffer from depression myself, I've spent the past 4 years helping my husband accept and learn to deal with his depression. As a nurse, I'm sure you understand that depression is a chemical imbalance, not just a deficiency in your personality. Medication can and really does help. Trust me.....I was ready to leave my husband 4 years ago when I decided to make one last ditch effort, which was insisting he get help. Long story short, he did go get help and has been on medication for the past several years. He's also gradually made many lifestyle changes and is finally seeming more like his old self. It's a long and difficult journey to address depression, but it's so worth it. My recommendation is to involve your husband in your treatment plan so he can have some understanding of what you're going through and so that he can learn to watch for warning signs of setbacks, side effects of medication, etc. If you guys tackle it together, it will only make your marriage stronger. Good luck and feel free to get in touch with me if you need more information.

You need a good counselor pronto to help you understand why you build these walls. It sounds like something happened in your youth that left you feeling unsafe and needing to protect yourself. Counseling may be really hard, but hopefully your husband will help you through it, not leave you.