How Do I Help My Toddler Express Himself Appropriately?

What you're doing is fine. I might scale it back a little bit. Three year olds have a pretty short attention span, so you don't want to do too much talking. If you do, he'll just tune you out.

Just know that he is being a typical 3 year old. Keep guiding him, and you'll both get through this phase!

I did a lot of repeating their feelings back to them. "You're mad that you can't have a cookie. You really wanted the cookie, and you're mad that Mommy said no."

That was usually enough to get them to focus their attention on me and realize that I understood. The tears usually slowed down, and they usually calmed down. Sometimes I would say, "Maybe you can have a cookie after dinner. Would that be a good idea?" I would try to find something positive to say. Sometime for them to look forward to.

Like others said, this is a very normal thing for a 3 year old (and it stinks for you!). You just have to know that you are going to get through it. In the mean time, keep teaching him. It's too much to expect him to learn quickly, but he will learn.

"The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp is a great book to help with this age. I don't think I read the book (no time), but I did watch the video. I think I got that at the library. Here's a like for the book:

https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative...

Sounds very normal. Does he go to preschool? I learned so much about child development by observing and talking with my childrens' preschool teachers. I also learned a lot by reading books from the early childhood education section at the library.
Keep in mind that this age you are teaching and guiding, not punishing him. Do NOT call him mean or a bully and do not make him apologize to make someone else feel better, that teaches him nothing. Instead ask him how the other person feels, "how do you think Billy feels when you say you don't like him?" or "how would you feel if someone pushed you instead of waiting for their turn?" You need to get him to understand his behavior, be held accountable for it and change it going forward. Growing up is a process, you've got many years of this ahead of you, but if you teach him empathy and self control now he will be a much kinder and easy going kid going forward.

This is totally normal. I also get that it’s unacceptable.

I think redirection works with 1 and 2 year old toddlers. By 3 and 4, it’s time to try some new techniques.

First of all, most early childhood experts will tell you to get past the “I’m sorry” idea and the desire to have the child feel empathy for the person they hurt by saying “You’re not my friend” or “Go away.” First of all, an adult should not be hurt by this. Secondly, the 3 year old is not developmentally ready for this. He’s not sorry. That doesn’t mean he’s destined to be a sociopath – it just means he has no sense of empathy yet. Worse, they get the idea that “I’m sorry” mean “Do over” and makes everything okay. It doesn’t.

(For future reference, Google any of the versions of the story of the child who says hurtful things. She is given a feather pillow and told to disperse the feathers, that each of them is a bad word or mean thing she said. Then she’s told to gather up the feathers and put them back in the pillow. Of course she cannot. And so it is with hurtful words – they’re out there and there’s no taking them back. But that’s for an older child than yours – and it will ultimately be a good lesson when you have to discuss internet safety and how, once a photo or tweet is “out there,” it’s “out there” forever.)

So, I’d suggest that you “graduate” to consequences for his behavior. He’s allowed to FEEL that he doesn’t want to be friends with someone and he’s allowed to WISH that they’d go away. What’s not allowed is actually SAYING that to someone’s face. So focus on what you want to stop – it's not the feeling that is the problem, it’s his response to the feeling. When someone is really upset, there has to be a technique to deal with it. I think you’re asking him to express what he cannot express yet. You are doing the right thing by dialing down the volume and speaking softly and slowly – that can be calming. You’re getting down to his level, and that’s good. But he’s also getting all of the attention, which encourages him to act out to get you to make him the center of things, which is what he might have been saying by telling someone else to go home.

But you might consider letting him express his frustration appropriately – and that means going to his room to just be mad for a few minutes, maybe to yell at his teddy bear (and no, that’s not “mean” to the teddy!) or lie on his bed and close his eyes and breathe slowly. Those are all fine. I wouldn’t make him talk about it so much right now. I’d focus on letting him know this behavior (throwing, yelling, insulting) are not appropriate and he needs to remove himself from the room (or you will). “We don’t talk like that. Time to go to your room until you can talk nicely.” You separate him from the situation that’s annoying him, but you stay with the person he was mean to. You can also model this behavior by saying that something has made you angry or frustrated and that you are going to your own room for 5 minutes to calm down. Set a timer so he knows when you are coming back. It can be less than 5 minutes to start; when he goes to his room, it can be longer than 5 if you think he needs it. He can come out when he is calm – that lets him know that he is in control of his own behavior, that it’s his choice to separate himself from the group. That’s important. If you are out at a play date, then you plop him in the car and bring him home. He can’t talk like that to other people so you take him out of the situation. Yes, it’s annoying to you to pack up and leave. But it’s effective. It may not work out for him to talk later on about why he was mad – and that’s okay. Let it go. He doesn’t have to talk about it, he just has to find a better way to deal with it at the time, and not get any kind of reward (no matter how unintended it was from your point of view) for misbehaving. This will be a strategy you can use going forward – when he is 6 and 9 and 13. So it’s worth developing this pattern now.

Hold off on cleaning the toys in your own house, at least at the moment he throws them. He can do that when he comes out of his room, and before he does anything else that’s fun. It’s not punishment – just a chore that needs doing. Alternatively (and I did this at 4-5 years of age), YOU pick up the toys and put them on the closet shelf, letting him know they are only for kids who don’t throw and scream. Or, let him know, if it occurs soon after, that you don’t have time to do X or Y with him because you are either tired or behind schedule because the toys had to be cleaned up (this is especially true at someone else’s house, where you can’t leave the mess for others). “If only you had not thrown the toys, I would have time for X.” Or, “It’s too bad you said those things to Jimmy, because we had to go home. We don’t say ‘You’re not my friend’ to anyone.” So, you can show him that you are focusing on others and not him. But don’t talk it to death – just make a comment and be done with it. Then no talking.

Also, talk to the preschool teacher or daycare provider and find out what phrases they use. It can be helpful to use the same words, so kids learn that these are life rules and not “school rules” or “mom rules.”

Is your son in daycare? I only ask because my granddaughter started some pretty unlovely behavior at about 3 when she "graduated" to the big kids room at daycare. She was suddenly the youngest child in a fairly broad range of kids socially/emotionally different ages (even though I think the actual age range was 3 - 4 yr olds). She was emulating behavior that she saw there - many of which were siblings to older kids so they are seeing different behaviors than you might see in an oldest child of 3 yrs with only younger siblings or an only child. Children from good-hearted places always seem to overcome these behaviors pretty easy, but while they are around, they are not pleasant to deal with.

I think the 3 biggest things you can do is: 1. remain consistent with any punishment/time-outs/etc that you decide on. 2. remain calm - never yell/get angry as that only inflames the situation 3. show empathy (which is not the same thing as giving in) for little people's fight to understand the world and their fight to get the world to understand them.

Good luck!

He's being 3 and it's a normal phase.
The terrible three's are tough - they are prone to tantrums especially when they are hungry or tired or coming down with something.
It gets better around 4 yrs old but in the mean time what you're doing is about right.
There is no reasoning with them once they are in full tantrum - so don't even try going anywhere with him when he's hungry/tired.
If he does have a tantrum out in public - be prepared to pack it all up and take him home.
If he's at home then take him to his room and have him calm down there.

He doesn't have to like everyone all the time.
He's expressing anger.

My son was about 3 when he got angry with me and told me I wasn't his friend.
I told him he was right.
I'm not his friend.
Friends come and go.
I'm his mother - and Mom is with you through thick and thin - when he's scared or sick and through good times too.
Be angry with me if you want to but I love you anyway no matter what.
He never stayed angry for very long.

sounds right for a 3 year old
you are handling him pretty good for a first timer and there's not much else you can do
if you want to find out the reasoning he has for his outbursts you could use responses like i understand that you say you don't like me, can you tell me more about that? when he gets to the point of throwing things then just remove him to a quiet corner and let him calm down. then you can ask if he knows what that was about. but don't spend too much time talking about stuff, a 3 year old has on average a 3 minute attention span.

i'm so pleased that overall, societally, we're moving away from 'be nice'. i'm betting that when your son is playing with other 3 year olds they don't hold grudges or take deep psychic wounds when he grouches at them.

it IS appropriate for a 3 year old to say 'i don't like you' to someone. it's honest. it doesn't mean he is holding some deadly resentment. it means that right then, in that moment, he doesn't like that person. he doubtless feels, means and says it even to people whom he clearly adores, like you.

don't 'correct' a child for honesty, especially age appropriate honesty.

rather than making him feel guilty for his feelings, i'd just redirect him. 'it sounds as if it's not fun any more to play with carlo. i want you to come over here with me and we'll read a book.' in 5 minutes he'll probably be fine again.

if the person he is 'making sad' is an adult then you need to have a discussion with them about how 3 year olds work.

having him sit down and cool off when he's exploding is great. do lots of that.

he'll learn far more about 'being nice' and 'not being a bully' simply from your example. you don't need to over-explain psychology to a three year old. model good behavior, and redirect when he's being a momentary butthead.

ETA love diane B and gidget's replies!
khairete
siz

Excellent advice from Diane B...

Preschool age kids, like your child, normally go through stages of development. Since he's getting to be close to school age he's going to be growing in independence and start making statements like this. He's starting to gain autonomy from other people.

If he were in a pre-school program you'd see him making special friends and also deciding he doesn't like some of his classmates.

If you put him in Pre-K next year, if he's 4 by the time they start your school there, you'll see a bit more of this.

I suggest you sit him down aside from playing and tell him when he's calmed down and wants to play with others and not be mean to the toys then he can get up.