Divorce Sucks

I have been with my husband since we were 14, I am now 42. Throughout the years I have put on and taken off 150 pounds numerous times. My disease sometimes requires me to be on steroids for years at a time. Steroids really packs on the pounds. Nevertheless, my husband has loved me unconditionally through it all. He has NEVER put me down about my weight and was just as attracted to me at 300 lbs as he was at 150 lbs. Why??? Because my husband loves me for who I am, not for what I look like. I was embarrassed with my weight gains, he never was, he was always proud to call me his wife and treated me as such.

It sounds to me like your husband is a very superficial person. Really?? He can only value you if you look a certain way??? I think that speaks more to his insecurities than yours. If he can not love you for who you are then you are better off without him. It also sounds as if there were other issues going on in the marriage that he was too cowardly to address so he hid behind your weight in order to blame it all on you rather than own his own part in the failure.

Had my husband ever mistreated me due to weight issues I would have told him don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. You have to value me as a human being, spouse, parent of your children, lover, and friend to even be worthy of my love.

For 8kidsdad to tell you to lose weight and then basically beg your husband to reconsider you worthy of his love is absolutely assassin. You either love me or you don't. You do not treat someone you love with such disrespect and disregard for their feelings. Your husband sounds like a total loser unworthy of YOUR love so cut him loose.

You are absolutely right to want a better life for you and your children. Staying in an unhealthy relationship is teaching your children that they too can and should accept that in a relationship. It is NOT ok to be cruel to your partner.

Only you will know the best course of actions for your children. I can see why you would want to move away and get a fresh start for all of you. But I can also see the benefit of staying put if your inlaws are still willing to help with child care. Maybe try making a pro's and con list to visually see the benefits and downfalls with moving or staying.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

wow - 8kidsdad........many times I respect your opinions, but really?????

Your daughter needs to step up! Sorry but when my older daughter was in seventh and eighth grade she found her way to her sports and activities. I had two younger kids one with Autism spectrum. She never complained because she wanted to do things and finding rides is a small price to pay for what you want.

So she had soccer practice three times a week, I drove her and a couple other girls once a week. That freed up the other two. If she had a game over the weekend that conflicted she found a ride, they are a team after all.

She wanted to go out with friends, mom can't drive can anyone pick me up?

This was all before my divorce! This is how married families deal with overload so don't feel guilty asking your daughter to step up a bit and work on her own schedule.

My kids have always taken pride in their autonomy, their ability to care for their needs, their ability to see our family as a team looking out for each other.

When I divorced both my older kids stepped up to help with their younger sibs. I did not ask or guilt them into it, to them that is what families do.

Don't underestimate your older daughter!! She is probably stronger than you realize.
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You say you are not stuck on the why it happened yet you say you are worried about running into him at stores? It sounds to me like you are trying to say the right things but you are emotionally putting yourself first. Try for a win win, get into counseling and heal. Get yourself to a place where it it no big deal to be around your ex, no big deal to take his parents offer to watch your kids. Right now you are cutting off your nose to spite your face, it makes no sense.

I understand you can't afford your home but you are using that as an excuse to run away from your feelings rather than conquer them.

The answer is very obvious. You need to look at this from a "facts of the matter standpoint" and not from an "emotional standpoint" (I realize that is easier said than done.) You said that you have a great job. You have back-up childcare. Your children have their father and their paternal relatives close by. You stay where you are until and unless two things happen: you have a divorce decree and custody arrangement that would allow you to move with the children AND you have a job in a new location.

Please keep in mind that no judge has to allow you to take your children away from their father. In terms of the school district, in most locations, the children can attend either the father or mother's district - check on this.

In terms of your house, see how the finances work out in your divorce. Make sure you have a lawyer who sees that you are well compensated - equal split of all marital assets, insurance, etc. Your house being underwater may mean that you are forced to do a short-sale as part of the divorce (very common these days) and then you will take a hit on your credit which can make it more difficult to find a job.

Try to make sure that you have good representation as you proceed with your divorce. The only reason you will live in your ex-husband's shadow is if you chose to do so....will you see him? Yes, because he will always be your children's father and no matter how "hands-off" he has been, he will likely still be in their lives to some degree.

Best wishes, C.

M., I'm sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately, it sounds like you're in one of those lousy situations where what you want and need conflict with what's doable and what's in your children's best interest.

Have your sorted out custody and visitation arrangements? Practically speaking, it would make the most sense for you to stay in the area in which you already live. You can't really just cut ties and start over somewhere new - your children will have a right to still spend a substantial amount of time (up to 50%) with their father. They will still have their paternal grandparents in their lives.

If I were you, I would look at what's available to rent in your area that you can afford. Try to stay in the same school district, and if your ILs are still amicable to watching your kids, have them help out with childcare. It will help your kids maintain some sense of normal.

You are stronger than you know, and stronger than your children. Yes it will suck to continue to have ties with this jerk of a man, but you'll still have to deal with him whether you live near or far. You can shoulder the burden of staying near where you are right now so that your kids can continue to go to their old school and maintain their existing network of friends. They will very much NEED this consistency in their lives - it's bad enough when home life turns upside-down but to add moving and changing schools to the mix is not fair, especially for someone starting high school.

Let renting a new home or apartment be your fresh start and change of scenery. Do not let him run you out of where you live and where you and your children have the network of support from friends that you will need to get through this.

You sound like you have it all together - and the feelings you're having as you're working out what is best for your little family are totally normal, whether it's a two parent family or one.

As with any large transition, it really helps to talk through the issues. Sometimes girlfriends are unavailable for the length and depth of conversation we need. Why not consult a counselor? An unbiased, supportive person with excellent listening skills who can focus completely on you and help you see the bigger picture? Why not?

Good luck!

I'm sorry you are having this problem over your weight, although I'm sure there are other reasons.

When I read about your saying weight was a major problem, a commercial for some weight loss program came to mind where the ex-wife lost weight and delighted in hearing her ex-husband's friends saying, "Wow, she looks great. How did you ever let her get away?"(That was a tremendous put down on her husband.)

That being said, I know from my own experience that loosing weight was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. One of your biggest problems is the way men are put together. Men are very visual creatures. I have a feeling your photo in your profile is what it is because of your weight. And you didn't say how much over weight you are. 10 pounds? 50 pounds? or 200 pounds?

IF, and I say IF ! ! ! you want a better life for your kids and yourself, loose some weight and romance your husband. It sounds like you still love him. I'm not saying he doesn't have any responsibility in this, but he didn't write the question. You did. If he had written the question, I'd have advice for him too.

I lost weight on the 6 Week Body Make Over. I lost 25 pounds in three weeks. I lost 45 pounds in 3 months. Loosing weight is not easy. I just think fighting all the battles you are going to have to fight and the hardships you are going to have to endure are going to make loosing weight look easy.

Good luck to you and yours.

ETA: Melissa L., Marriage is a partnership. I don't know what he was not doing to support the partnership. But I do know what she says he wanted her to do to support the partnership. Are his requests unreasonable? Don't know. She didn't say, but importantly, she didn't say his request was UNreasonable. So I could only guess. Hence my responce.

ETA: M., you should put him first in your marriage. AND (! ! !) he should put you first. You should romance him and he should romance you. The kids come after him and you in the order of priorities. If you work this right, the kids will grow up and move away, and you and he will still be there for each other.

Your kids need the stability for as long as possible after the divorce. I would say making a huge move out of their school districts and to a totally new environment might be more detrimental to them than helpful. Plus they are going to need their friends and that stability to get through the emotions over the divorce that will eventually come when they move and start living in a different house and neighborhood. That's hard for kids who's parents just change jobs and they have to move but their family is still together.

So I would say that you have everything you need right now, make him pay enough child support and spousal support to pay the house payment and utilities. Then your income can support the food, child care, other expenses like clothing, vehicle costs, insurance, etc....

You do realize if you are not living in the house he's most likely going to just let it go back and get repossessed? That would be what a lot of men would do. If it can't be sold and it's too expensive for him to live in by himself then he's going to not care that it will effect your credit and he'll just stop making payments.

At least that's a trend I have seen. They aren't hurt that much by not having excellent credit. In these times a house getting repossessed is almost a badge of suffering due to the economy and not a person's fault, for guys anyway. It's a failure to women of course.

So I would do whatever it took to stay in the house with him having to pay a lot of support to make it happen. The kids could be in their own schools, do their own sports with grandma and grandpa being right there to help them adjust and make their activities.

I would not just want to move away where there is nothing supportive just so I could feel better about myself. The kids are not who you're putting first with this type of thinking. Sorry.

I think therapists have it right. After a divorce or death, some sort of huge dynamic change a person needs to wait a year afterwards to make any huge changes. Like selling out and moving, getting re-married or even in a new long term relationship, selling property or anything that is permanent. They are just not thinking as clearly as they should.

Another thing I would do is start taking the weekends when you have them free from scheduled stuff and make the trip to your home town and let the kids get familiar with that area. Help them make friends with your friends children and others they come in contact with, maybe get them involved with a community agency that has some activities every now and then so they can get emotionally established in this town. Once the older one is able to do this they will feel better about the move and once all is settled down you can make a better decision as to what to do for yourself.

I agree that you don't want to see him and be part of his new life but the fact is that he is going to be there, coming to games, school functions, with new girlfriends, a new family some day, BUT you may also be there with a new relationship and have a much better life.

Shop in another store, go to a different grocery store, cultivate new activities that are across town. Do some new stuff that is not part of his life areas. But put your kids first. They need the stability first and foremost.

Can you stay in the area (if not in the current house) and still have your inlaws help out with those things? Your hubby is gone alot and they will still be their grandparents.

I guess you need to stay in the house until you can sell it.,.
Divorce does suck.. As a child of divorce.. I was thrilled. My sister devastated. But we realize that it was not a happy or good marriage and there is no way it could have been worked out. It was also an ugly divorce..
We were pushed and pulled.. Horrible. I just wanted them to get along enough that I did not feel ill and nervous, whenever they ran into each other, had to speak with each other or talk with each other.

I wanted them to be grown ups. My mother went to counseling.. It helped tremendously. She was able to come to grips with what she needed and how to ask or demand it if necessary. But she always made sure my sister and I knew, she had our backs.

My sister and Brother in law live close by.. They did this for the kids.
The kids spend one week with their mom and the other with their dad.
they have continued to attend their neighborhood schools. and keep that part of stability in their lives.

It is still hard for my sister to be civil to her ex.. He has now remarried and has a toddler with this wife.

The divorce was the best thing for the adults.. for the children, they have hung in there.

Consider options and do not Poo, poo.. every one of them.. Instead figure out a solution or come to grips with reality and work through it.

Consider your children living part time with their father.. That way he will be responsible for some of their pick ups.. etc.. and it will give you a break.. Or allow you to even take on a part time job and save that money to help you move.

You do sound depressed, which is completely understandable. I hope you are seeing someone to help you get through this. Hang in there. You will end up being better off with out him.. Just get on with your life and find happiness within yourself.

Why would your inlaws not continue to watch the grand kids while the parents are at work. Not only are they doing this for you they are doing this for your soon to be ex husband. I do not see them not wanting too ?

As far as picking them up from school. I actually pick up two school aged girls. I work from home and break at three for an hour to go to schools. The mother listed it on fb and then eventually just asked me. She pays me to pick them up. Can you find an appartment near? If he is going to keep the house you can use that address as there perm resident for the school district. Also my oldest brother rented out rooms to friends (before he was married or had kids). He made his house payment and payed some bills renting rooms. I am in S.Tx and you have to book hotel rooms months in advance and its very hard to find a home to rent. The oil feild is making it difficult to keep up with space to live! Perhaps there is also a huge demand near you for rentals?
Also dont think that your going to have to do this alone. My aunt remaried after a 20+ marriage ended. She got a step daughter that was 12 yrs old and is loving being a mom (she never had children and was in her 50's when she remarried). I remarried to my wonderful husband after my first divorce (and lots of reading about how i picked a wrong match for me). My grandma 84 yrs old has been dating a man for five years. Her second husband up and decided he no longer wanted to be married after 10 yrs of marriage. She found her sweet boyfriend both in there 80's!!! and are very happy together. Point is that you just might find your true love after all. Blessings and happieness to you. Divorce sucks and I would never want anyone to go through it. Its like you morn the death of your marriage. Its truly painful. Best of luck to you.

Sweetie your husband is an emotional/verbal abuser. He thinks you are too fat to be taken out? What a JERK!!!! I bet he has changed in looks too since you married him. A little grey on top, probably getting a belly and a few wrinkles. Do you remind him daily of the fact that he is aging?

I recommend counseling for you to regain your self esteem. You can and should start a program for yourself that includes diet and exercise. Not to please him or anyone else but to make you more healthy and happy. We are so much more than our bodies, you have a loving personality, you work hard, take care of your kids and make them a priority in your life.

It would be great for your daughter to be able to go to high school with the kids she grew up with but that is not always possible. But she will be able to maintain friendships with them if she chooses. She is old enough for you to be able to have a sit down talk with her and explain to her why you may need to move. She knows her dad is abusive, she hears it all the time.

I know you don't want to upset your daughter but you need to sit down and figure out what's best for all of you. My son is the same age so I can understand how hard it would be to think about moving a child that age. It would be rough. Don't blame yourself for what your husbands says you did or didn't do. Unfortunately men can be jerks. I know I don't look like I did when I got married but neither does my husband. People change as they get older. Some are not able to loose weight even if they want to. And when you have kids it makes it 20x harder.

M., Divorce is a mountain that will take a whole lot of strength to climb, but be very assured that you will climb it and make it happen as long as you find the strength to accept the things you cannot change and the courage to change the things you can in life. It’s not easy and healing is very painful, but very necessary in order to start your new journey in life with confidence in who you are and what you are capable of achieving. The open door brings new opportunities and beautiful memories good or bad it will take you to the next step in life, you just have to believe in who YOU are a mother, a woman, a survivor who deserves to be happy and loved and treated with respect and integrity. When you truly heal from within the sailing gets easier as the waves settle with peace, so you can enjoy every moment you will have with your children by your side. Sometimes we focus so much on the chapter that has ended and the door that is closed that we tend to forget there is a new door waiting for us to walk through and a fresh chapter to begin. New adventures, new feelings, new strength that was hidden deep within will shine through. It won’t be easy at first and you may feel like you want to give up, but always remember that you have made it this far regardless of how you look or who was at your side. True beauty is comes from within, everything else fades in time. Be the strength your children will need in order to succeed and achieve the happiness they and you deserve with or without the father. Be prepared and think ahead of the rest for there is a good reason you have a good job no one handed it to you as a gift, you earned it! Children are resilient and will manage if and when their Mother stands by their side smiling because she never gave up and found her light that allows them and you to shine...
Best Wishes,
E

I would get a really good attorney to advise you on not only the divorce items and custody items, but can also address any issues about the house. If the house is in both of your names then you're going to want to do whatever it takes to get your name off of the mortgage and deed. Get him established as the one to pay the mortgage AND child support as soon as you can.

I would also consider remaining in town for at least a transition period of a year after the divorce is official, but move into an apartment that you actually can afford on your own salary without any child support. You have to learn to live on your own salary as if he'll never pay a dime and any child support you receive is a bonus. If you can do that, you might even be able to put all money you receive as child support into individual savings accounts for each child to pay for college later or whatever they choose to use the money for once they're adults. Or put half of whatever he gives for child support into their accounts, and half for the childrens clothes, food, school supplies, school trips, etc.

Your kids will bounce back. They are more resilient than you give them credit for. My parents moved me to another high school halfway through. I made all new friends and really came into my own after the move. It was terrifying, being the new kid after being around the same people for so many years, but it's also liberating to be able to start fresh where people don't remember all the socially awkward things you did in elementary school.

Hi M.,

I will keep this short.

First, yes, divorce sucks, and - you will be OK. I know it is hard, if not impossible for you to see this now, or at times. And, being a divorced mom myself,.....I am absolutely certain...you will be not just ok....but you will be GREAT!

Yes there are a lot of variables and dynamics about where, when, who, how..., and when you look at all of them together....they overwhelm you.

My suggestion: Don't try to deal or conquer all of them, all together, all at the same time. Don't look at all of them at one time. THAT IS CRAZY MAKING!! Focus on 1 challenge (or problem) at a time.

The things to keep grouped and think about all at the same time would be: Your job, great kids, your health, their health, the support you do have, and the strength you have to take care of yourself.

Make GRATITUDE your main entree. Enjoy it. Relish it. Love it. EVERYTHING will work out as well (if not better) than you want it to.

I am certain of this for you.

I am so sorry you are having to make these choices. None of them are winners. Are you counting child support in your ability to keep the house?
If so then you need a family meeting with you, your teenager and your H. She has to express herself and her expectations and you need to be candid about both of your limits to meet those needs. Married people can't even meet all of a teenagers expectations so get over trying to do it all. This is not how you planned it. Everything from here out is playing it by ear. I know it might not be possible with your H work schedule but maybe she could stay there during the week? The thing with that is teenagers really need a parent that is involved and there for them. If he can't provide for that then he can't be her primary caretaker. She needs to hear that from his mouth. What does you custody agreement say? This is a tough one. Listen to your child and try to compromise.