My MIL Is Driving Me NUTS!!!!

oh I feel for you. My MIL would go on and on bc my babies were on the small side. Whenever she was sitting she would stuff them with food and proudly tell me thats the way to do it. As if I were starving my children.
I finally snapped and had my husband talk to her. Def do that. They will listen to their boys but not to us!!!

Tell her she should be happy that she is heathy and likes to eat! I have a 4 1/2 month boy who is 19.5 pounds and 27". Once they walk and become active they lose it. Keep up the good work!

There is a definite generational difference in beliefs on rearing children and it can be very frustrating. Maybe letting her accompany you to a doctor's appointment would be helpful to hear it herself that the baby is healthy. My MIL has a difference of opinion on foods, clothes and tons of other things and I just have to nod and smile to keep the peace. But I see friends of mine whose parents think babies can get ear infections from water in the tub, will get pneumonia in the summer from not having enough clothes on, etc. . .I just have to be thankful I don't have it that bad!

Well, the good thing is that at 9.5 months your daughter can't understand and won't remember what your MIL is saying. Believe your doctor - he is right! My son was a HUGE baby (in a cute and adorable way, of course) and my MIL had similar comments - luckily not to the degree you are experiencing, though. He has always been at or above the 95th percentile, but the key is that he is proportional. He is still a big boy for his age, but he is healthy and looks great and he has "stretched out" so the baby fat rolls are gone.

Trust your doctor.

Also, if her concern is putting a slight concern in the back of your head...she's going to become more and more active as she grows. Watch out, because the crawling turns to cruising turns to walking turns to running...and before you know it, many babies slim down a bit. I would bet that 9 months from now you'll all be wondering what all the fuss was about.

Hi A. -
I know that my response is a little late, but I think there is a book that you may want to read, and then have your MIL read it. It is called, "Your Child's Weight: Helping without Harming" by Ellyn Satter.

I was concerned that my daughter who has a similiar body type to mine and is not the "typical" thin that kids are, that she would become overweight. I didn't want to traumatize her like I was growing up (because we know that all that does is scar the child and make them a yo yo dieter) .. anyways, by the 2nd Chapter, I realized that my daughter was FINE the weight that she was, she was born in the 75%, and she was still in the 75-80%... that is where her body WANTS her weight to be. So, if your daughter was born in the 95% and still is... SHE IS PERFECT!

This book shows the percentile graphs, and what happened to a child whose mother thought that she was "too fat" at 6 months, and she may have gotten her to the 50% and stayed that way, but when she turned 10, she jumped back up to where she was when she was born, and then ended up that yo yo dieting.

I have forced my father and aunt, who where the typical, "you would be so pretty if you weighed blah blah blah" that if they say ONE word to my daughter about her weight, that they will not see her again. I know that it is harsh, but I was seriously screwed up as a kid because of my weight, and I look back at pictures, and I wasn't that fat... I was just a little chunky, but not slim. ya know?

So, grab this book, read it yourself, and then hand it over to your MIL and tell her to read it, and who knows....BRING her to your next pediatritions appointment (speak to your doctor ahead of time to tell them what you are trying to do and make her understand about the weight thing).

Good luck!
L.

Personally, and I'm only recommending this because it seems to be a concern to you - I would play tough love with the MIL and tell her in no uncertain terms that soon your daughter will start feeling the pain of her words, and that you will NOT have her being self-conscious about her weight, so that either the MIL learns immediately to curb her behavior OR she will not be allowed to visit with the baby. Period. End.

Try not to worry! My daughter is 6 months and weighs 21.4 lbs. and is 28 in. She's over the 97th percentile for weight and height. I'd rather have a chubby baby than worry that she wasn't healthy or getting enough to eat. Your MIL needs to back off!!! I would just calmly say that you have checked with her pedi and that she is perfectly healthy. I would say that it makes you feel uncomfortable when she keeps commenting on your daughter's size. Maybe if you call her out (in a respectful way) she will stop with both the overt and passive aggressive comments!

The only way to deal with her is be direct. Just tell her your daughters pedi is who you listen to and get health advice from and no one else. All babies are a bit chubby. That is what makes them so cute! Her weight at this point should not even be a worry. You will see how fast it comes off as she starts to get on the move in a few months.

Or another way you could handle it is when she is eating something at your house look at the label and make a comment about her calorie intake...LOL just kidding.

My son was in the same percentiles as a baby. I would recommend being really straightforward with your MIL. Tell her you appreciate her concern, so you asked the pedi about it and he is fine with her weight. I would also tell her that while her comments may come from the best intentions, they are hurtful. Depending on your relationship, this may be a difficult conversation, but trust me, this won't be the only issue you have with her. Putting down limits early will help you prevent a lifetime of comments and questioning. I would just be clear that you both have the baby's best interest at heart, that you appreciate her raising a question that is important, but that this one is settled and she is fine. GOOD LUCK!

Hi A.,
my child was 9.2 a birth as well and chubby and the cutest baby i'd ever seen. Still is at 17 (if I might say so...LOL). I did not worry about his weight until he was a todler as he wasn't dropping that "baby fat." I did have to adjust his diet and give him the small meals 5-6 times a day, etc. maybe your husband can tell her that the doctor has been very reassuring all is perfect and she needs to back off and just love her beautiful, healthy granddaugther.

oh my.. chubby babies always grow into their bodies, so tell your mil to back off and if she thinks there's a problem, here's the number to the pediatrician - take it up with him.. It's way too early to start body issues with your child! When she starts to walk and run around, that body fat will drop right off and she'll be even more perfect than she is right now.. try to ignore her if you can, but stand your ground..

Honey - first of all tell your MIL to seriously get over whatever issue she has about your kid!!!! My niece was born 10 lbs 13 oz & although she was a big girl - she was fine just like your child is in the percentile & stuff!!! second of all, babies are SUPPOSED to be chubby!!!! The more rolls the better! It's too cute!!! Trust me - the litte lady will have plenty of growth spurts to even the weight out anyway! And besides - once she's walking THEN RUNNING as a toddler - you'll be like "where's my chunky monkey???". My niece will be 2 next month & she's a solid girl - she's PERFECTLY healthy & not "fat". She's also tall - seriously she's almost as tall as my soon to be 4 yr old son & probably weighs more than him right now too - she looks like a 3 yr old to be honest. But she's fine. And you're daughter will be fine. As long as when she's older you take care to keep her eating healthy & keep her active, which I'm sure you will - everything is fine. So tell your MIL to enjoy her granddaughter or to stay away - noone needs to deal with unneccary stress like this!!!

Good luck & God bless!
C. B.

A.,

Your daughter sounds like she is right on track. They are supposed to double their birth weight by 5 months and triple it by a year. So she should be around 28.5 pounds at a year. If your MIL says more after you say that just tell her that it is your baby and you do you think is right and if she doesn't like it don't come to visit. Sometimes I have had to be very blunt with my MIL before she 'gets it'. It solved my issues.

L. M

Oh my goodness A....many identify with this one, I'm sure. I know I do. Please, in private, INSIST your husband step up and intervene with his mother on this issue. He must have an opinion on the subject of his mother stating his daughter is FAT!!! If not...insist he get a backbone IMMEDIATELY and tell his mother to back off, or it will greatly effect the ease in which HE and you feel comfortable around her in the future ...it then becomes her choice. Under no terms, should you be made to feel you have to 'deal' with his Mom's insensitive behavior towards a member of your family. It is his responsibility as his daughter's father to set Grammie straight right from the beginning...period. My MIL (whom I adore BTW) issue was she felt she had the right to feed her grand daughter a n y t h i n g she wanted when we visited her home, and at the time it seemed to me she relished popping brownies and cookies galore into her mouth knowing I was a 'health nut' as she put it...'No one ever died from a brownie' she'd say (which ofcourse is actually not the case...) My daughter would always get sick after visiting Grammie from all the sweets she ate...vomiting sick! I didn't have to ask for my husbands' support, as he stepped up for me....and had he not, I would have insisted he did, and doubled up the ante by respectfully, but clearly stating 'NO Mom...You need to respect what I am asking you NOT to do or we will leave." And if it happens again...leave, quietly and respectfully...don't make a scene and be sure there are witnesses to that fact so no one can say later that you were unreasonable within the family....GOOD LUCK with this one, and let me know how it turns out for you.

hi A.,
I just read your request and it sounds familiar....as long as she is eating healthfully and the doc. says shes in the right height/weight ratio then you as a mom know that everything is ok...and remember thats the most important.As for you mil,I would simply say,"I apprecaite your concern as her grandmother but tell her in so many words to but out.You have already explained to her that she was propotionate.and explain to her that shes hurting your feelings by not respecting you....I would take her with you to your daughters next dr. visit and discuss the issue with her dr.that way your mil will having nothing to say after that....good luck.

Hi A.! I too had a beautiful chubby little baby. At 6 months old, he was 28 pound. He is now 2 1/2 and 29 pounds but but really tall so he grew upwards and evened out. They all grow at their own rate. My MIL called him a sharpei puppy "look at the rolls" and always reminded me to clean in between them (how awful). I always smiled and responded with a we are so lucky to have a beautiful healthy baby, skinny ones are just not as cute...(all her other grand children have been skinny skinny). To this day she still makes comments(I cannot believe he is so tall or where did all that baby fat go) Give me a break. Some people have no social skills of any kind and absolutely no tact. I smile knowing my MIL is an idiot and take pleasure in having a beautiful, normal little boy. There is no reason to have to defend the weight of your child so don't.

My oldest daughter was 9lbs 8 1/2oz & 23 1/2 inches at birth. Now shes 7 & is in perfect health, proportionate height & weight. ( approx 55lbs ) My MIL passed yrs ago so i dont have that issue, only just with MY mom. Its tough, you dont want to hurt their feelings. Just tell her the dr says shes fine, its only baby fat. What does she want you to have a child that looks like shes starving? If she keeps it up, i'd just tell her that your daughters well being is your priority & your pedi says shes fine. If she wants to keep making her little comments, dont be afaid to be blunt. Shes your child, not hers,make it very clear you dont like what shes saying. I've had to get a tad snippy with my mother. I've had to set mine straight a few times. Good luck, i know it can be aggrivating!

My son is 9mths old and 28 lbs and 31 inches... but luckily my Mom and MIL are very supportive and can't get enough of their chubby grandson...

You need to be direct with your MIL. Let her know that your Pedi is VERY happy with her weight and progress. Repeat how healthy she is and that is it much better to have a baby that east and gains wait than to worry about an issue like feeding (underfed, or hard to feed babies can have serious medical problems). Remind her that there are more important things to focus on like development and spending quality time. Also remind her that is it better to reinforce healthy eating habits than to harp on overweight comments - that could give your daughter self esteem issues later. And also let your husband know that you are not comfortable with her comments... he needs to buck up speak to his mom.

Good luck and enjoy your healthy little girl!

Was she ever breastfed? My LO is, and she is 8 months old and 19 lbs. I heard someone say that chubby babies are 'titty fat.' Not sure if that is offensive to anyone, but it might just get your MIL to back off!

Other than that, you have 2 options - just laugh it off. Babies are supposed to be chubby! Or confront her - and say - why is her weight bothering you so much? she is so healthy! Some people will back off right away once they are confronted.

I think she sounds positively adorable! Good luck.

Hi,

I have four children, and they were all very chunky babies. They were also big newborns (one was over 10 pounds!), which is strange because I am small, and my husband is "average" sized. Anyway, they all remained chunky through babyhood (my youngest is almost 9 months old, and weighs 22 pounds). We get sooo tired of the many comments, from family, friends and total strangers, about the babies' sizes. I was especially sensitive to it with my oldest, because I was so "new" at everything!
Anyway, my three girls, especially my oldest (now ages 6,4, and 2) are downright skinny. So, when people make comments about the baby now, we just smile and point at his older sisters and remind them that they were all big, and are quite thin now. I would suggest that when your MIL makes comments, you just remind her that the pediatrician has told you that she is perfect. Once she gets walking, in a few months, all the baby fat will melt off. So, you most likely won't have to listen to the comments much longer! And, if you have any future kids, you can point out how well your oldest child slimmed down!

I do think that these big babies have potential to become overweight if you aren't careful about their eating habits, as they get older. I watch my girls very carefully, and offer fruits and veggies instead of junk food. Consequently, they're doing great!

I'm sure your daughter is just perfect, and I wish you all the best with her!

You should bring her to the doctors with you next time you go and let her ask some questions. My 3 boys were the same as your daughter but when they started moving and walking more they weight slowed down and they grew into themselves. You would never know by looking at them now that they were such big babies.

Hi A.,
I know what your going through....except that I hear it from everyone. My beautiful, healthy baby boy is 6 months old and weighs 21 pounds 12oz. He's 28 inches long.He weighed 9 pounds 6oz at birth (my husband is 6'3" and 255....solid, not chubby). The first thing I hear is "Wow what a big boy". It just gets monotonous after a while. All babies are different shapes and sizes (just like adults). It doesn't mean anything. When they start walking they usually lose most of that adorable baby c***:)
Your mother in law needs to learn now that it's unacceptable for her to keep commenting on your daughter's weight. You as her mother needs to protect her from these words that could hurt her someday.I swear a lot of the older generation has completely lost their common sense when it comes to speaking lol.
Good luck and don't be scared to speak your mind, obviously your MIL isn't!

Your daughter is fine. Mine was 23lbs at 9 months. Born 2 1/2 weeks early and almost 9lbs. By her due date she was 10lbs. Anyway now she is 14 years old 5'9" 145lbs and beautiful. She wears a size 6. Just love your healthy child and ignore grandma. I've also had peanut kids that fail to gain weight and have to take them in for regular weighings. I'd take big any day.

Find an infant growth calculator on-line & print it out or show it to your MIL to see for herself. And, the next time she says it (either directly or under-handedly) I'd tell her this: "With all due respect for you & your experience & opinions, a good deal has changed since you were raising children & I, in conjunction with her father and health care provider, are raising her by today's standards with the most up to date information available. And, while I value your opinions on many things, your granddaugther's weight and appearance aren't a topic we'd care to engage in further. Please respect our positions on these issues and refrain from bringing it up again." Be sure your husband is on board with this & he says the exact same thing to her when she approaches the topic with him too. Present a united front and/or have him say this to her himself so you don't have to. Ask him to ask her not to approach the topic with you again, it's offensive & unnecessary and that as her mother, he feels you're doing a good job and so does your pediatrician. End of discussion!

MILs can be a lot of emotional work, can't they?! I adore mine for the most part, but she can be a bit passive aggresive & a bit of a judgmental buttinsky at times. When my husband & I first got together, she was really testing me constantly. She made an offhand comment once about my being high-maintenance and then tried to cover it with something like, that's a good thing - it means you have standards. I smiled my sweetest smile, batted my eyelashes and in my sweetest voice, said oh good, much like you have then. You know how they say men marry their mothers. No wonder he took so easily to my standards. THAT was the end of that! :) The look on her face was priceless. She shut her mouth then & there and never said another snide thing to or in front me ever again. Who knows what she says behind my back, but who cares?! She's much nicer to be around now & it's been over six years. And, when she makes observations about our baby that I don't find welcome or flattering, I laugh & say, "oh, I suppose she gets that from your side of the family. We haven't run into that in mine yet." and that usually stops her in her tracks too! :)

Good luck! Lots of us on here feel your pain!

Congratulations on your healthy baby girl! My son is almost 17 months and, like your daughter, has always been above average in the weight and length department. My pedi says he is very proportionate and very healthy. He has a hearty appetite, and many people disagree with how much I feed him. Don't worry about what Nana thinks. All children are different, they come in different shapes and sizes. And nothing matters as long as they are healthy.
Emphasize to your mother in law that baby is healthy and active. And she's the perfect weight for her metabolism. Also take her aside and tell her how you feel about her comments. How you feel like you are on constant defense about your daughter. Maybe she doesn't realize how this affects you, and doesn't understand that she is coming across as rather ignorant towards your daughter's needs. Always remember that no one knows a child like the mother. Good luck and let us know the outcome :)
~R.~

This brings tears to my eyes! You need to nip this in the bud NOW b/f your daughter even starts to have an inkling that her grandmother feels this way. I agree with many others, respectfully ask her to please refrain from sharing her comments (both the overt & sneaky) telling her that they're very hurtful and more importantly simply NOT true. Assure her that your daughter is healthy & well, and that if she has an MD at the end of her name, maybe you'd consider her opinion. That kind of commentary from a grandparent can have very severe effects (I speak from experience). Your daughter's health & well being are at stake if you don't say something. If it doesn't stop pronto, just tell your MIL that you're not going to subject your daughter or yourself to her cruel, insensitive & ingnorant words, so you'll just have to stop visiting.

Sorry but what a witch!!! I too have a large baby. She's 7 months and is close to 20 pounds. She has the most beautiful chipmunk cheeks ever!

If I were you, I would respond back with the truth.. Aren't we lucky that she is healthy and isn't underweight???? I would give her this response everytime she started in. Say it while stressing the lucky and look at her to respond.

Lastly,if she continues, just tell her to knock it off. Something along the lines of "She's healthy and perfect in my eyes and in her doctor's, so please stop making those comments cause it hurts and I don't want to hear it anymore".

She has to stop cause if your child has her baby fat as she gets older, she'll make those comments to her and totally ruin her confidence and you know how us women are easily offended with body issues!

Hi A., here's my 2 cents if you want them?

If she is active and you, your husband and the Dr. are OK with her size then I would first have her son talk to her... sometimes people need to tell their Moms to "back off". If you do it it might come across poorly, ask your husband to impress upon her how much this is hurting your feelings, as a new mom and being nervous enough about child rearing. Having her negative comments won't help.

If she refuses to back down then I would have him tell her to not bother coming around if she's going to negate your parenting ability. Some babies are just chubby! :)

My brother is slender and I am heavy, always have been. My brothers kids we very chubby, (and cute!), yet my kids have always been lanky, (and cute too!). Why? No one knows! His kids have grown out of it as your daughter probably will too. It's better for her to have a little extra reserve then too little.

Hang in there and stand your ground, Mommy, you're doing great!

S.

Tell her that you are her mother, and you will worry about her body. She is the Nana, and her job is to make her feel so good about herself -ask her if she would be saying this to an "overweight" self-concious teen. No, she should be loving her grandkids, and telling them that she loves them, and is proud of them however they come. She had her chance with your husband and his bros and sis', now it is yours. Tell her that you are completely aware of all factors, and are going to raise a beautiful, healthy, and confident girl. She should just be happy to be along for the ride!

I've had to deal with similar stuff from my mother (except in the opposite direction - she thinks we don't feed our son enough, even though he's in the 85% for weight and is definitely doing just fine). Instead of criticizing her straight out, you could say something like, "You know, I know you're really concerned about your granddaughter's health and I really appreciate that you care so much. But when I hear comments about my daughter's weight and how much she eats, I feel like my mothering skills are being criticized. I know that's not what you intend, but that's how I feel, and I don't enjoy feeling that way. So if you could please stop mentioning my daughter's weight I'd really appreciate it. Otherwise, in order to feel more at ease, I'm going to have to ask you not to visit anymore." I think you're more likely to have success if you ask her to do it for your sanity's sake than if you imply that she's wrong or crazy. But it's going to be tough, nevertheless. She'll probably continue to be passive aggressive about it, and you'll have to keep standing your ground and stick to your ultimatum. Meanwhile, though, if you want her to remain involved in your daughter's life you can try to assuage any hurt feelings by letting her get involved in ways that you feel more comfortable with (i.e., asking how she dealt with different problems with her children, asking about her experiences as a mother, etc.).

Good luck!

tell her healthy babies are supposed to be chubby. My oldest son was and his ped. was training a med. student and told her that that was exactly what a healthy baby is supposed to look like. My youngest is on the small side and turned out he had celiac and is finally gaining weight the way he should be. Your mil sounds like my mom and nothing will make her happy. When your daughter is a toddler and thins out she will probably be telling you she's too thin so just try to ignore and tell her if she's going to constatly pick on everything that she won't be able to spend as much time with her its not good for your daughter to hear those types of comments.

The next time she says something like that, I would firmly say "I wish you would stop saying that all the time!" And mean it!!

Hi A.,
Oh goodness, good ol' Mother-In-Laws!!! I swear they just want to drive us batty! :)
I would suggest taking her to one of your daughters appts. with you so that way she can hear directly from her doctor that she is just perfect! Both of my girls were always big, not so much at birth, but gained quickly and I loved it. They were both heathly, they just loved their food and as soon as they started getting mobile, it came right off over time. I am sure the same will happen for you precious little one as well. I wouldn't worry to much about what your MIL says, although it can be annoying and I am sure you are feeling it, just try to brush it off. YOU know everything is just fine with your little girl so just keep doing what you are doing and try to brush off the comments your MIL has to say. Or like I said before, take her to an appt. so she can see for herself...the one year appt. could be a good one, you could make it seem like she should go because it's the big "1" year check up. Best of luck, J.

Okay my son was 18 lbs at 2 months! He was a breast fed baby and would nurse non-stop. The lactation consultant told me the baby was "bonding" with me not really eating. Bull! but I was a first time mom so I just let him "bond". When he was about your daughters age he weighed about the same. He was 8 lbs, 8 oz at birth. Once he started eating solids (6 mos) then started crawling (10 mos) he started to lose some of the weight and get taller. Then he started walking & the pounds just seemed to melt off (wish that worked for me...LOL). He is now 19 months old and skinny! You would never know how chubby he was. I was watching a video of him when he was about 7 months old & couldn't believe how chubby he was. He was very cute and happy.
Plus his doctor was not worried, said he'd thin out on his own & once he started to get taller & more active & did lose the weight the doctor was right! and very pleased. So tell your MIL (I know they can be a pain as well as mothers) that your daughters pedi is not concerned but they are keeping an eye on her & once she is more active & eating more solid foods, less formula she will be fine. So if you and your doctor are not worried she should not be either and butt out!
Tell the nana what I said. The doctor as well as you are not worried & you know she will lose the "fat" as she gets more active, eating more solids & less formula. Tell her you "checked" with the doctor & the formula is not the issue & it is fine/good for her to have. She needs it until she is 1. If she has any further issues to call your pedi herself because the discussion is closed. Then if she still doesn't back off simply tell her if you don't stop you will not see your granddaughter any longer until she is no longer "fat". Trust me it will work & if it doesn't your MIL needs to get a life & back off. Good luck, I have been there (not with that issue but other issues with my mom though not my MIL). So I know what you are going through!

Why do MIL's do this to us?? I would have my husband deal with it. MIL's don't seem to respond to the DIL's requests or opinions. They think we are being dramatic or difficult, easier just to talk with your husband about how it makes you feel and ask if he will talk to your MIL about it. After many issues with my MIL and SIL I no longer discuss these types of things with them, my husband does and it really makes a huge difference. Her comments, if not stopped now, could hurt the child in the long run, as your child gets older and understands what she is saying, although mine understood a lot at 9 mos. When your husband talks to your MIL about it he should make it more about the child than you. If your MIL is as hateful as mine, if she knows it bugs you she will do it more just to hurt you and irritate you, so be careful on the approach. Good luck and remember you are the parent of this child and if the MIL must respect your wishes as a parent.

Hi my name is Mary and I have a MIL with the same passive aggressive tendencies as yours or she is just out right rude. I have learned over the years to address what she says head on but I realized it will often fall on deaf ears or I was considered " sensitive" @ certain topics. My first suggestion would be to say is that you are aware of her concerns and have spoken to your pedi and are comfortable with his assessment and will continue following the course of action you both agreed upon as her mother and that her constant commenting bothers you and you wish her to stop be blunt and explain there is a difference between concern and what she is doing. I assure you this will cause waves or it will barely register depending on your tone. Being 1/2 Irish & Italian I have tone to spare, Thus the title of sensitive. If she continues to push then every once in awhile I would revisit is especially once the child is verbal and or starts to pick up on tones and tenseness in people due to conversations but my final suggestion would be to give it back. If she asks to hold the baby I would say with a touch of edgy humor " Are you sure she won't e to heavy...followed by a fake giggle and It would not be bellow me ( I know this to be true because i have done it) to question her habits in regards to the issue. " Wow you used a lot of salt" or my personal fav pick apart one of her favorite specialty dish ingredient by ingredient with that passive aggressive smile at the end. Some will call this petty i say its cheaper then therapy. You won't ever change her but always stick up for yourself and your child no matter who it is. And remeber you are the Mother. Mary

Next time MIL comes to visit, tell her ( or tell her so and so told you) how much the baby reminds you (them)of her! That should curtail the negative comments!

I wish I could tell you that it will get better...but it most likely won't. I have had struggles with my MIL since the day we got engaged and adding on three beautiful grandsons has not made it any easier. I put up my boundaries very early and so she just sends me e-mails of articles on disciplining, nutritious foods, education, etc. When she is around the kids she shows little to no interest in them. I finally read the book "Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage" by Susan Forward which was an amazing read. I have lowered my expectations in regards to her. I know it is frustrating to constantly hear negatives...just know that you are doing a wonderful job as a parent and that your daughter is loved by you, her mother. As long as your daughter is on track with her weight try and ignore your MIL or just ask her politely to stop judging you.

I wish you loads of luck...and strength.

H. Z. (SAHM to 4 3/4, 3 1/2 and 13 month old boys)

Hi A.,
Just tell her to shut up ;) Just kidding kinda...My ML meddled as well and the best you can do with that one is to say oh, and walk away and try as hard as you can to ignore her. reassure her that youve checked with the pedi. Mine used to want to force the newborns to drink lots of water...yeah, no water for newborns, things have changed in 30 years, but they dont get it cuz "none of my children have ever died from drinking water" so i got in the habit of looking at her blankly and saying oh and walking away because no matter what I said she would argue even if I told her what the doc said. so i said alot of oh and at the very least amused myself:) Bringing my ML to the pedi wouldve made me insane so that was out of the question, basically nothing i did was right and my having 8 yrs experience before having my second child was not quite enough experience.....i guess i got lucky when they up and moved away. Best of luck and trust your own instinct.
C.

I would say with a smile, "would you rather that she looked like malnourished? She is healthy and happy and that's what matters." I wonder if Mothers-in-Law are "getting back" (?) at us because of what their mother-in-law did to them. But they're getting back at the wrong person. My MIL drives me nuts. She used to keep my boys a lot when they were younger, and I swear she'd do things just to aggravate me. She's very passive aggressive. Like, she knew what time of day I'd be coming to pick them up, but, like clockwork, she'd put them down for their nap just MOMENTS before I got there. It made me furious, and to make matters worse, she would CHUCKLE!!!!! I wanted to punch her. And she gives them all the junk food they want, waits on them hand and foot, it makes me sick. Her 45-year old, still single, son (my brother-in-law) STILL goes over there every day after work for supper, and Mommy waits on him hand and foot, she even packs his lunch box for the next day. He's 45!!!!!! How pathetic is that? My boys are now 9 and 7, and no longer are over there all the time - thank God! But whenever they are over there, she sends them home with a bunch of "food", like I can't feed my own kids. And what she sends them with is junk ("it's for their lunch boxes!") Sometimes I just throw it in the trash. It's very cathartic. Arrgghh - anyway, I digress, but my point is, you're not alone as far as an irritating MIL. Good luck, and keep your chin up - you're doing great, Mom! (oh, one more thought, my own mom was a VERY chubby baby, probably until she was about 2 or 3. Then she thinned out, and is lucky to have metabolism that allows her to eat whatever she wants and not gain anything! She's like a size 6. So don't worry!)

I'm not sure I have any advice that will help you much, other than to say I had the exact same problem! It bothered me so much too. My mil was bad, but my fil was worse. He would constantly let comments slip along the lines of "It just isn't healthy for a baby to be THAT big." Every time I would say that it is perfectly healthy, the pedi says he is doing great, he is perfectly proportional, etc. My in-laws are both runners and I always felt like it was jabs at my weight (I have always been slightly overweight but not bad) as well as my parenting. I would go home after being with them and cry it out with my hubby. Not sure what did the trick but the comments eventually stopped and I am sure they can see now what a wonderful, happy, healthy four year old he is.

My main concern was that he is very smart and doesn't miss a beat so I didn't want him to hear things and internalize them as he got older. Self-esteem is a very fragile thing and constantly being hit with weight comments is not good for a child of any age. We are going away with them in a couple weeks and we are dealing with a couple behavior things right now, I have decided the line I will use if they make any comments in front of him is "If you have issues with my parenting, please take it up with me privately but don't involve my children. You know those little ears don't miss a thing!"

By the way, do you have nieces and nephews? If so, that probably isn't helping. I find my children are constantly compared to the other "much more perfect" grandchildren.

If your MIL keeps persisting with this attitude, I would speak to your husband, since its his mom, and let him know how you feel about the situation and see if he is willing to say something. If not, you need to take the reins and speak to her. Let her know that your daughter is happy and healthy, the dr. and you also have no concerns about her weight so neither should she. It may help, it may not, it may also help to tell your MIL that it hurts your feelings and she needs to stop being negative about your daughter. My friend, once told me a piece of advice that I will never forget and live by everyday (even with my 5 & 8 yr olds). You are you child's mom, until they are old enough to voice what they need and want you are their voice. No one knows their own child like its parents does. BTW my son was 9lbs when he was born, was 23lbs at 4 months and lost ALL of his baby weight once he started walking & running. I hope this helps.

I have the same problem as you, but the opposite...my son is long, but thin and he won't eat...bottles only. When he was 4-8 months, people were always commenting on how small he is and it used to really bother me, but my pedi assured me that he was fine, in his percentile and that he would eat when he is ready. Try inviting your mother in law along to a pedi appt., and maybe apprise your pedi of what's been going on and how it makes you feel so that she can STRESS that your daughter is right where she needs to be and that all babies are different. Sometimes when people hear something from a doctor they tend to believe it. *_*

Hi A.,

I've read the responses and I think they are all very good. It's always good to start out with honest communication, but I have to agree most with Julia, who said that if your MIL does not stop acting in this way, then she should be kept away from your child.

As parents, we only have one shot of giving our children a positive sense of self-esteem. It's a lot easier to instill a good self-image than it is to try to repair one. Our children's egos are very fragile and it is our responsibility to protect them from harm. Your MIL is harming your daughter's self esteem.

With eating disorders becoming an epidemic, and with girls as young as 5 worrying that they are "fat", these types of comments by your MIL may cause your daughter to feel self-conscious and bad about herself. Criticism results in feelings of defectiveness and shame. This is not what you want for your child. It is important that your husband is on the same page as you regarding this issue because if he isn't, it is bound to cause family conflict.

You and your MIL are trapped in an unhealthy pattern of behavior and you must be the one to change the rules. She may act out at first, but if you are consistent in setting boundaries, she will hopefully come around in the end.

Good luck,

V. S., LICSW

Have your husband talk to her, OR say to her: "I'm going to tell John (or whatever your husband's name is) when he comes home. He would be SHOCKED that you are picking on the baby!!" Or another approach: when she says something about the baby being too fat, look at her with a hurt look on your face and say: "Wow, I can't believe you just keep saying that. It almost makes me want to cry. If A. (or whatever your daughter's name is) could understand, she would be so hurt to hear her Nana keep saying that."

confrontation of the matter is the only way. I would explain to her that unless she is a professional or doctor (of whom say she is perfectly FINE) than suggest she keep her opinions to herself. Explain to her that your daughter's health and well-being is the most important thing to you and that it hurts your feelings when she questions this. In addition, your daughter can't hear her now, but she will! Would she like to hurt her self esteem early on in life too?? This is her grandaughter so she should try and offer up some more POSITIVE thinking about her....and YOU. UGH, it makes me sooo mad when MIL's think they know everything. I'm pregnant w/ my first my mine already drives me nuts. I'm sure I'm got plenty of the same ahead of me!! Good luck.

Invite her to go to the next visit to the pediatrician with you. It may not stop her, but you can refer to that next time she makes the comment. You might also tell her that its very unhealthy (and it is) to get weight obsessed over children, especially when they are babies.

You may just have to develop a way to filter her out, just like you will later develop the amazing ability to filter out your baby's tantrums when she gets older.

Consider it practice.

I have the same problem with my MIL. Sometimes, i think, she just loves the girls SO much that she wants everything to be perfect for them and with the way the media is going on and on and on about fat kids.. she gets nervous.

That being said, i have two kids. Both were born really small and are still small. One eats like crazy and the other will not eat a bit. But it really doesnt' matter waht they look like. She finds a way to comment on BOTH their weights and what they are eating and how i am feeding them. It drives me nuts.

My advice would be that if your MIL is truly doing this out of love I guess i would just let her know that it hurts your feelings when she makes these comments. Maybe she doen't know how much it hurts you? And then let it go at that. The problem will soon correct itself.

Hey A.,

I'm on the other end of this, with a 9.5 mo old, who is rather skinny, but long. I'm the youngest of 6, and seem to get it from my mom, and sisters, but not MIL. My husband isn't close with his, so not an issue. Both my two older girls were rather chunky, now my oldest (5) is skinny and weighs 34 lbs, my (2) yr old is still a bit chunky, bue she is almost as tall as her (5)yr old sister (her foot size is already 1/2 a size bigger), and weighs 36 lbs, so all kids are different. My baby is a long baby, at 6 mos 27 in long, and weighed 16.2 lbs. Height 90th % and wt 55% at the time, so kind of skinny but healthy(she has checkup next week). My DH is very tall at 6' 3", and he's the shortest in his family of brother, dad, and uncles (dad is 6' 7" and mom is "shorty" at 5' 11") so I imagine my girls will be just fine. My family is full of "heavy" short people, so when they see my "slender" baby, it just looks odd to them. I'm a little feisty, and just tell them to mind thir own business with their own kids (who are all grown and all average height). I say that as long as your feeding baby appropriate amount, and appropriate "baby" foods (not feeding baby fried chicken, and ice cream like all of those Maury Povich babies :o) baby is just fine. Employing your husband's help with this, and maybe both of you sit down to talk with mom at the same time might help. Most worry about hurting MIL's feelings, but if she's already hurting yours, then it should be ok to just tell her what you think, at the same risk of hurting hers.

Good luck!

I like the answer below mine ALOT!! I am in a group on yahoo and one of the little girls in the group weighed 26 lbs at six months and when she started crawling and walking she didn't lose any but didn't gain any either. She is BUEATIFU!! and at a year she was still 26 lbs. SHe is now two and I can't remember what she weighs. but I do know it will all even out at some point. my 2yr old only weighs 26 lbs now. he is a peanut.. yes the opposite side of things and everyone has seen him eat and eat and eat...You would think he weighs more... I say enojy your bueatiful baby girl and ignore MIL as much as you can even if you say to her yes she is bigger than most girl her age but the pedi said .....

first i would say that your daughter is yours and what you doing is fine or the dr would tell you. Have her go with you to the next apoint ment. This way she can ask and ? and hear the dr has to say. Also let her dr know your mil will be attending so they are not over welmed. Good luck with everything.
have mil issues also. Keep me posted

Hi A.,
Oh! That's hard... Tell her you love her but you really need her to stop talking about your daughter. "Say what you mean but don't say it mean!" is a good one to remember. Tell her you value her opinion (give examples to her of what you value) but that you have talked to your pedi and that you are confident. Leave it at that and keep doing the same thing if she continues. I bet it'll get better!
Best of luck,
S.
www.PrincessSharon.com