My 15-Year Old Is Giving Me Grief to Go to Cross-country Practice This Summer

Why don't you let her get a job? If she doesn't want to do the sport let her do a different activity. If she knows she has the option of the sport or getting a job she may opt for the job. If she is not a good runner she may feel that she is dragging the team down. What do her friends do? and as far as the computer goes get it out of her room and only allow it for specific times at the kitchen table lol. good luck

I wouldn't make her go or threaten her. It's probably just not her thing. But you should work with her to find something. Would she try karate? My son is much younger but karate has made him more self confident and more outgoing (and it's good exercise). Maybe have her get a job as a junior counselor in a camp. She'd be out with the other kids all day. Or have her volunteer to walk dogs at the shelter. Or volunteer at a day care.

Good luck!

I wanted my son who is now 17 to have been in some kind of sports. When he was 5yo I tried Baseball and he liked it then. Then we moved and tried Baseball again when he was 9 yo, but he hated it! He did finish the season but didn't want to do it again. I don't know why he didn't like it but he just didn't like baseball anymore. My next door neighbor was his coach and I know he yelled too much. My son got older and one day we sat and he told me he was not interested in 'any' sports at all. He told me that because me and my husband (his step-dad) would constantly tell him he needs to be in some type of sports. My husband really wanted him to do some sports, my husband is a sports fanatic! My son's dad also liked sports a lot, and I always wondered where my son got that from...not liking sports. My son's dad would take him and my daughter (who tried XC but quit!) to Dodger games! And they like it. I got tired of it so I stopped trying to make both my son and daughter go into sports. They are both excellent students, always have been since kinder, which I'm so very proud! They were academically inclined I suppose. My daughter will soon graduate from College next yr and my son will graduate from HS next yr. I decided that it is NOT a good idea to push your kids into sports, It'll just make them miserable. If they are good kids, good students, have morals, just all around almost perfect kids, why push them!! Where does it say they 'have' to be in sports? My kids are just perfect to me, without sports! Now I have toddler twins (boy/girl) with my husband...let's see if they like sports! My husband really wants our little son to be a football player. I already told him we will not push him if he chooses not to. But for some reason I think my little toddler son might choose a sport. I don't know about his twin sister. But one think I know, do monitor the time they spend playing video games and be on the internet.

Sign her up for a programming or video game design camp instead?

I have a 15 year old. THey can be challenging.
I agree with the others do not force her.
My daughter is on the swim team. She couldn't even swim when she joined as a freshman. THis year in her new school she will join it again. I asked her only to consider a sport for physical exercise as she no longer has to take a gym class.
I also said she needed to consider a club that met after school. She is going to try the academic derby team.
XC is tough if you are not a good runner. She may feel like she isn't holding her own.
During the school year we limit computer time to only weekends and only if she has all work turned in.
Find out what your daughter might like. Maybe she wants to play basketball or swim or volleyball. Try the clubs, drama, acaemic derby, Spanish. I'm sure the high school has much to offer.

I wouldn't force her to do XC if she doesn't want to. However, it is good parenting to make sure she has some kind of activity to keep her busy and connected to others. Maybe sports aren't it. Maybe theatre? Shy kids can really blossom on stage! Maybe the school newspaper? Key Club? Choir? Art? Carpentry? Maybe a different sport? Swimming? Horseback riding? What about volunteering. Food banks, soup kitchens, animal shelters, boys and girls clubs, etc. all need volunteers. There are lots of hobbies out there that don't require sitting around staring at a computer screen all day. Tell her that if she doesn't want to run, that is fine, but she needs to try something else. Her choice, but she is not allowed to sit around all day with her computer or the tv.

I know a lot of people said it, but find something else that she really likes (and maybe is even good at). I hated running and sports when I was growing up (did love hiking and being outdoors though), and now I love running, biking, and swimming. I'm 29 and just got into triathlons in the last year. If I had been forced, I'm sure I wouldn't have wanted to try those things now. I can also understand about not wanting to go unless certain friends go, she might just not fit into that specific group very well. If she can't come up with ideas of things to do herself, you'll have to do the research, but have her try a bunch of different activities.

Put yourself in her place...what if your husband suddenly decided that you were going to learn about auto mechanics? You told him you hated it that none of your girlfriends were involved in it but he said...tough...you need to be doing something other than just working around the house...or your full time job or whatever....you are going to learn to be an auto mechanic..it will be GOOD for you!!! She is old enough to make a decision about what she wants to do...you can approach her by saying that you would love to see her involved in something besides the computer games during the summer and ask her what SHE is interested in!!! Look at the free courses that are being offered at the Y, the library, other places in your town...see what she wants to do. Shoot...she may surprise you and decide that she wants to learn about Auto Mechanics!!! :-)

Oy. 15 is such a tumultuous time. Bodies are changing, hormones are raging. 'Awkward' is a staple word in the house and as the chosen one going through this.....feels like a stage that is going to last forever!
Maybe she actually doesn't like runnning that much. She sounds like a sensitive shy person, which is fine- except when you get tossed into a group or your peers and start to feel very overwhelmed.
I was the shy one growing up and it was torture to be around my peers at times, because not all are kind, supportive and accepting. I hated going to school (I was skipped a grade due to my academic ability- but socially it was a bad decision) and I didn't get involved in any sports (though as a child I was very athletic and strong- as an adult I put it to good use) because I didn't want to face any more humiliation- if GOD FORBID, I failed and didn't measure up on the court.
Is it possible your daughter is being bullied at school? Even if by just one particular person? That could be why she clings to this one friend and doesn't want to go to XC without them...it's her security. Well everyone actually- our 'friends' represent our security, our social circle and reflects to us our importance/acceptance among our peers.
As far as activity, I agree that regardless what she participates in...it is mandatory that she be part of some movement. So try another sport. Gymnastics does wonders for strength, allows kids to do what they seem to do naturally (monkey in the making) and not as demanding cardio-wise as long distance running. Also try dance, soccer, swimming, etc....
In closing, I would find out if there are any social problems that is causing your daughter distress. She may not even realize how upset she is but is presenting itself via her resistance to going. Also find out what sport she'd like to try next. If it's her choice, she may like it better. Maybe make a game out of it and have her try a different sport each semester. Keeps it interesting and new- and she'll be exposed to a variety of sports and other chidlren.
The point is to keep her active and engaged in something. Computer games have their place and there are vital skills she is acquiring playing on it- but people in general need to follow this mantra; "Everything in Moderation". Even too much of a good thing can be bad :)
All sports require effort and discipline and challenges. The things she will learn will help shape her as a person and she will apply those qualities/lessons to herself and her life down the road as an adult.
Good luck!

PS: Lots of hugs and affirmations that she is a beautiful great kid, and that you love her dearly and she is the best thing that ever happened to you. Adolescence is tough. They need a lot of unconditional love and positive encouragement :)

I also recommend, as Sherry has that you give her 2-3 choices and make cross country one of them. The idea is to get her out of the house and doing something. Or you could just tell her it's cross country or something she chooses. Talk with her about the importance of being involved and that even if going is difficult that going is the way she will grown and feel more comfortable.

Be sympathetic about her not wanting to go when her friend doesn't go. I've become an outgoing adult but was quite shy as a child and teen. Even now, I sometimes don't go to an event because I doubt that I'll know anyone there. And this is after years of learning that I nearly always have a good time once I'm there.

I also think it's reasonable to ban her from using her computer or even watching TV if she's agreed to go but skips when her friend doesn't go. As I explained to my daughter and now my granddaughter; once you've made a commitment to something, as in their cases it was a class, it's important to keep that commitment. Keeping a commitment is what gets me going to something like a class.

Hi S S I have 3 grown children, one loves dancing (Girl) and the other two love to fight (Boys) they are all 3 pursuing what they love, our oldest son is at a UFC camp. and our other son is heading in that direction. You can't pick for your daughter, she has to find her own dream. You can set rules for the summer, but do it in a loving way not a threatening. To go do something is to go for something, and running does not seem to be her thing, let her find her thing, all 3 of our kids are kids are great at what they are doing, but what they are doing they chose for themselves. J.

My son is like that and I stopped the forcing because i don't want him to resent me or not trust me down the road. I've accepted that he's not good at team sports and I don't force him into unpleasant situations. I moniter the video game and computer time and make sure that he gets together with friends, get out to the beach, gets in the pool with his brothers, etc. I think if you have her volunteering at a hospital(remember candysripers?) or an animal clinic, or even a job where she gets a salary it would be a nice alternative. Does she like kids? She could start babysitting. At the end of the day you just want to see her being productive and not sitting behind a computer screen for hours on a daily basis. Good luck.

I just wanted to add that as a junior high kid I was put in the same situation- my parents made me do XC and I hated them for it... but now I think it was one of the best things they ever did as parents. I ended up loving it, made friends, and have been healthy and athletic- and confident in athletic ventures- ever since. I think your heart is in the right place and I would be clear with your daughter about why you are insisting she join something and what your goals are (making frieds, getting fit, something to add to a college application?). But, I do agree with other posters- maybe this sport, or any sport, is not for her. I might give her some options but insist she must choose one a stick with it- a job, a team, a club, something productive she thinks she might learn to love.

I wouldn't FORCE her to go. But I would limit the computer time. There's no reason why you can't, in your own home, say...ok, you don't have to go but lets be clear of what's going to happen if you don't...the laptop is gone for X amount of time and no TV for this amount of time, etc...

I am always puzzled as to why parents think that the consequences of loosing computer/ipod priviledges isn't an option because it will "devistate" the child. I vote devistation...in large quantities. I mean...if you don't show up for work do they still give you a paycheck??

Don't THREATEN her with the laptop, simply take the darned thing away. Make good on a promise. If you dont "what ever" then I'll "what ever"...and then stay strong and follow through.

I guess the BIG question I have is why it's so important to you for her to go. Is it because she's overweight? Are you afraid she'll be a social misfit? Is she withdrawing? When she's gone is it the ONLY time you get the house alone to yourself??

I'm not asking to be rude, just so that I get a clear understanding as to why this XC is so important...to you, and not her.

Sending good thoughts your way...

Hello, My husband and I have four grown children. They were all intereste in different things. Each was able to somewhat excell in their own "thing". Perhaps your daughter would like to take dance, or gymnastics or some other activity. Try talking to her and seeing what she might be interested in. That way, she will be more into going. She might feel like she isn't as good as the rest of the girls.
It is certainly okay to limit her computer time. I see my grandsons as wanting to do the same. It's like kids who want to sit and veg out, ony it is the computer.
Good luck with your precious daughter.
K. K.

I think encouraging her & getting her to try it one season was good. But, if she doesn't like it & you are having to force her to go, what good is it doing?

I was never good at nor did I enjoy sports when I was growing up. I hated to run. I did spend a lot of time on the computer in high school, but I don't think it hurt me. I'm 26 now with a college degree and I am a Web programmer. So computers aren't all that bad :)

I was also shy, but I did have some friends. I also enjoyed walking. My parents lived out in the country & I could go for walks outside just listening to music. Perhaps she & a friend could go for walks somewhere together? Or swimming? Wouldn't have to be a team, but whenever she and her friend wanted to go.

I just don't think that forcing her will make her want to go.

I made my older son play sports until he was 13. He hated all sports. He is 21 now and still hates all sports. At 13 I let him decide what extra activities he wanted to do. He picked drama and the debate team. Yahoo he liked something and he was sooooo good at it.
Have her write down what she loves to do. Then put her in it. My daughter also played sports until she was 12. Then she decided she like horses. She road horses for many years and became State Champion two years in a row. You just need to find out what makes her tick.
I would not force her to go anymore, I would have her write down what she really likes to do and put her in that. Good luck!

You are doing the right thing can you do have you tried to get her to invite some one to you house so she can have a personal fried=nd good luck A. no hills raised 4 now have 7 grandchildren

Hi there!

Good for you for trying to get your daughter in to some positive movement. I would most certainly use XC as leverage. If she wants her "game time," she needs to be physically active. For every hour of game time, she needs to be physically active for an hour (for my sons, this is weeding or house chores). If she goes to practice, she gets a "bonus" hour.

My son runs XC and he isn't a very good runner, either. I spoke to the coach to make sure he was willing to have such a slow poke on the team (he was) and the kids on the team are top notch kids. They're inclusive and very encouraging. Plus, I made my son run shorter runs on the off days to stay in the habit. It's paying off. My son is slimming down and he's able to keep up better than ever. It's been a real self-esteem boost.

Let your daughter know that she doesn't need to "barge in." A simple good morning and a pleasant smile/expression will go a long way to ending the awkward feelings.

As a rule, my son will do ANYTHING to get out of weeding and to earn his game time, so I don't have to fight to hard. He just doesn't like getting up early on a summer morning!

As an aside, even if your daughter doesn't do XC, I would limit the game time. While employees with good computer skills are in high demand, they must also be able to deal in the "real world." Is there a local organization that needs volunteers? An elderly neighbor who needs a companion an hour or two a day? These might be gentle ways to break your daughter out of her shell.

Good luck!

She's not doing XC for XC... she's doing it because her "friend(s)" is on the team.
It was not really 'her' inclination to try out. It was yours...

For her, it is not about XC, it is about being where her friends are.

I used to do cross country in high school... but I LOVED it and was the top runner and the Coach recruited me. I used to run anyway, for personal fun. On my own. I then joined XC and did it for the love of the sport. Even if I had NO friends on the team, I would have still ran. In fact, I was not all 'chummy' with the girls on the team... I found them to be icky and so so sassy. Putting it nicely.

For your girl... she needs to do something that SHE likes and enjoys and has a passion for. Something that floats her boat. Otherwise, she will not enjoy it nor want to participate in it... consistently nor in a dedicated manner which is integral to any sport.

Have HER see what floats her boat.
What SHE likes.
What hobbies she'd like... to explore.
She has to "own" her own.... activities and participating in it will then follow.

Maybe, she can take classes on computer game designing... which she seems to like.

The thing is, a child... does not 'have to' be in any sports. They do not have to play a sport. There are SO many other activities... that a child or any person, can enjoy and participate in.... and which can help a person, socially.

all the best,
Susan

There may be other reasons she does not want to go which she does not want to share with you I would suggest finding another sport activity for her to join for the summer that is not related to her school so she can meet new people. but I definetely agree that staying at home on the computer all summer is not the way to go. Go online and look for classes through your city or the local junior college has community classes also.