How Far Do You Go to Help Extended Family?

I have been in this situation.

I spoke with CPS about it and there are people in my family that will NEVER forgive me for it. (it should have been handled "within the family").

I talked and talked and reasoned with the person until I was blue in the face and they would not make any changes. They investigated and ordered parenting classes, did not remove the children.

Fast forward six years and this time others called CPS from outside the family and the children were removed. In Texas CPS first tries to place children within the family...so suddenly my DH and I were expected to step up and take them. Two extra kids who had severe issues and needs...and they expected the parent to provide all needed items, there was no money provided by the state as we were not foster parents but temporary family guardians.

My husband put his foot down and said, "NO!!" If all those family members who said it should be handled within the family step up and handle it. And we did...and suddenly whoa, they all saw the issues I had been trying to point out for years!!

So, my suggestion to you is like others said...go through their schools to help with free or reduced school lunches (if they are just reduced you can put money in their school account for the difference, and know they are eating two meals a day).

Also, like others said be prepared if the state takes them away will you take them in?? That is a huge undertaking!!

Good luck and go through the school counselor. They can't tell you anything, but you can inform them of things.

I would take the kids in and if I needed to begin seeking full custody of them. I'd find a way to make ends meet.

The kids do need someone to step up. Maybe a call to CPS and a foster? You could serve as the foster. Depending on how things are structured in your state, her wages might be garnished, she might have to take parenting classes, she might have limited visitation, and you might get some money to offset their food, clothes, schooling and activity costs.

Best,
F. B.

Where is the boys' father?

ETA: I agree with those who say to call CPS. For a few reasons: If you and your family foster the boys through "the system" you'll have access to financial and educational resources that are offered to foster families. You won't have to do it all alone. Also, your sister will be required to complete parenting courses and certain benchmark requirements as set forth by the courts. Some people see CPS as an awful thing, but when family is involved, it's not totally awful.

I'm still curious as to where their father is at in all of this.

ETA2: No, agreeing to foster your sister's kids does not mean that you have to foster others. That is simply not true.

So if your parents weren't putting pressure on you would you be helping out? I know you see this almost as your sister being rewarded for being a crappy parent but really it isn't about your sister. You feel like the more you do the more if frees he up to act like she's single and carefree. You feel put upon and under appreciated because you are a responsible person. I totally get it and you know what? You totally are.

Tell your parents what you are willing to do to help out and give them a list of stuff they'll need to do to fill in the rest. They don't get to choose what your responsibilities are to your nephews. You get to do that.

The only thing I will say is that one person can make a huge impact on the life of a child; good or bad. Right now you have the opportunity to step into their lives and change things for the better. Call cps if needed, get whatever help you can, but don't feel put upon because that'll lead to you taking your feeling out of 3 guys who really have no one else to turn to.

I have been in just your position - not wanting to enable, but knowing if I didn't children would suffer. I think you have to put the kids first and push the thought of enabling to the back of your mind. But I would ONLY do what benefits the kids - not her. Like, if the kids live close enough to come to your house after school to do homework and have dinner. Then they could go home on a full stomach. And maybe your own kids could help them with their homework. That would benefit your nephews and also your own kids. If you find that there is no food in the house, then you need to call CPS. Also, if the kids are routinely showing up at school without a lunch or lunch money, the school should be looking in to that.

If this is relatively new behavior, I would start thinking about drug or alcohol addiction.

ETA: Others are saying that you should provide foster care for the boys. You need to know that if you apply to be a foster parent, you have to be willing to take in other kids as well and the boys could be removed from your home and placed with another foster family. You would be a foster family for any child needing that support, not only for your nephews. Guardianship is definitely the way to go. Once you have guardianship, you can apply for welfare benefits for the kids. Your family income doesn't count and you don't have to provide any of your financial information to apply and be approved. You only need to provide their financial information. They should get medical coverage and cash - no food stamps because they are not old enough to shop and prepare their own separate meals.

Of course you can't help these kids on a day by day basis. You could have them over as guests without stepping in to take care of them. You would be helping by showing them love and companionship.

I also suggest you talk with the school counselor so that they can help the boys. I've done this often. The school then gets involved and may be able to get community involvement in a non- threatening way.

Yes, call Child Protective Services. Provide as munch documentation as you can. Be as specific to dates and details as you can. They may not be able to help but it's worth a try.

I just want to comment on what CherylB said...... if you are a kinship provider (which is how relatives are "termed"), although you are certified the same as any other foster parent, you DO NOT have to take in other foster kids. And CPS they would NEVER take your nephews away and give you other kids. The only way they would take your nephews away is if you didn't pass the certification (background check / homestudy) or your nephews were classed as "elevated needs" and you were unwilling or unable to attend / pass training on how to care for the elevated needs.

I also want to say that you should NEVER take in (or have, in my opinion) any more kids if you don't feel you can adequately care for them - from a time, financial, mental/emotional perspective. Your family comes first and you would be doing EVERYONE a disservice, including your nephews, if you take them in but don't have the time, means, resources, desire, ability, motivation (whatever) to care for them in addition to caring for your family. Kids who are removed from their homes have issues. Even the best of kids removed under the best of circumstances are going to have issues. You would need to be prepared to help them with those issues as well as the other gaps they have developed while your sister has been neglectful.
That doesn't make you bad.... it makes you a person with GOOD BOUNDARIES.

It really varies. One thing you can do is contact the school, or suggest the kids talk to a trusted teacher or the guidance office. The school may be able to intervene on things like no lunch and academic struggles. They may need to know the home situation to better support the kids. They may (as mandatory reporters) talk to CPS.

Your parents need to understand that you are their aunt and short of taking custody (which can be its own issue) you are not legally responsible and have limits to what you are able to do. Why are your parents not intervening if they feel so strongly? Are they unable to offer to take custody, talk to the kids, talk to your sister, etc?

Just because your family is doing well doesn't mean you can also take on other burdens. Now, I know that it's hard with kids but I'll give you this example. I have a relative who has a young child. This relative hasn't been a great parent, but is an OK parent. What I do (and what I can do, being not this child's parent) is I try to offer the child a soft place to land. Come play here. Have a meal here. Call me if you need a ride. But that doesn't mean I feel like I need to take the child into my home at this time, or that I even should. It's not cut and dry. If they are in danger, let them call you or the cops and ask to come to your home. If you think they are in danger, call CPS.

It is hard when you feel like you are taking care of someone else's responsibility. I would challenge your parents how they would then help YOU if you took on 3 kids. Would they take kids to/from tutoring? Help you with the grocery bill? Give you respite care help? Would they back you up in court if you had to go there to get legal guardianship? As a SM whose husband had physical custody, I get that it's not easy to pick up someone else's slack, and it can make you really resentful and tear your family. It's not an easy choice. There are a lot of factors here, including what it would do to your household/marriage and how you would be able to weather that.

I'm not saying give up on them, but I think you need to know more about options B, C, and D, too. And your parents need to understand that there are limits and boundaries and if they feel so strongly, they need a horse in this race, too.

ETA: When we have the sks' friends come over suddenly, pasta is cheap and easy and filling. Buy spaghetti and sauce when they're $1 and have them on hand. Eggs are also cheap and easy. Encourage the kids to get jobs for their own lunch/pocket money when they are old enough. Teach them simple meals so that when there is food, they can cook or pack their own lunch. Help them get bank accounts, perhaps in joint with you, so that their mom can't wipe them out. You assume the school knows, but they may not have the full picture and honestly, I think that going to the counselor and saying you are concerned may be a good way to inform the school. They know you pick them up, but do they know the extend of everything else? If there are any after school tutoring opportunities, encourage the boys to attend. My stepson's school had tutoring for kids on the sports teams, to ensure they all got at least a 2.0. Talk to the boys about asking for help from teachers, being more responsible than their mother (good bedtimes, for example) and encourage them to dream and have goals and a reason for doing homework, studying hard, etc.

If I was in your shoes, I'd refused to allow my parents to make this MY problem. I'd tell them to do something themselves. I'd also tell them I do not intend to make it easy for her to neglect her children.

I would tell my sister exactly what I think if the way she is taking care of my nephews.

I would look out for my nephews. As O. suggested, money in a lunch account. Backpacks of good snacks: fruit/granola/crackers/cheeses.

If I felt these kids were neglected in a level to warrant it? I would call CPS.

I was glad to see other replies saying what I thought too: Go see the school guidance counselor (if the boys are at more than one school you may need to see each counselor). The counselor needs to be made aware that the boys are falling asleep in school and the reason why. Before you go, be sure to script out what you want to say -- you do not want to go in there appearing to be dumping your own negative feelings about your sister onto this counselor; make it entirely about the boys and approach it as, "I know I am not a parent and therefore you cannot talk to me from your side about the boys. But I am here to put you as a counselor on alert that these boys have issues at home that I know are negatively affecting them here at school."

A school staffer cannot talk with you about any child who is not your own -- not even your nephews, unless you were their legal guardian. It's not the staff being mean; it's just that, legally, they would be in huge trouble if they did discuss the boys with you. But YOU can go in and frame this as, "I have information about your students that I know can help them if the school acts on it." Do not expect the school counselor or anyone there to tell you what they'll do. Be aware that your sister might end up figuring out that someone went to the school and "tattled" on her - she'll see it like that because she's immature.

If things don't improve after the school gets involved (and any good counselor would get involved somehow), then yes, it might be time to call CPS.

But do not let your parents guilt you or bully you or plead you into taking on your nephews entirely. I think you are right and smart to say that your own family does so well because they get your time and attention, and you recognize that you cannot sacrifice that for your nephews, to be blunt. While it would be great to foster them as some are so readily suggesting, that would basically add three new children to your household and that is not necessarily something you can do even if you want to.

Figure out if there is ONE aspect of the nephews' lives where you can really help out substantially (such as tutoring one of them weekly, or buying groceries every other week, etc.) but tell your parents that this is what you've identified to do, and you will not just "take them on" in some larger sense.

And if you decide to help them with groceries...buy them yourself. Take the boys or the oldest boy with you to do it so he feels a sense of responsibility and knows you trust him and like his company!! Make it an outing with one or two of the boys, with lots of encouragement as they help you shop, pack it up, etc.

Don't just hand your sister cash. I suspect that all the cash would not go for groceries somehow.

I've been an aunt and in-law for a long time (19 years?) and I've finally realized that we can't help everybody. In fact we barely scratch the surface most of the time despite lots of money and effort.

It is wrong of your parents to make this your mission. How about they step up and help your sister? After all SHE is their child and your nephews are THEIR grandchildren! Why are you supposed to be more committed than your parents?

I would respect the boundaries of my own family-of-choice and leave my family-of-origin to figure things out for themselves. If there are things that you can reasonably do for these kids without draining your own life - fine. Otherwise this should not be your burden to carry.

JMO. Sorry if it sounds cold.

The situation you describe is long overdue for a formal intervention. It doesn't matter if your sister doesn't want to hear it, because this isn't about what she wants. Call CPS, explain the situation.

You can ask about legally fostering them if you think you want to do that. You'll get some financial help for that and your sister will be required to straighten up her act to get her kids back.Or if they don't see any danger in letting them remain with her, she will at least be under some supervision. Their school is probably aware of some of the issues too. They can't talk to you unless you have guardianship though.

What you've been doing is great, but you need help in order to accomplish anything lasting. You're basically enabling your sister's behavior at this point by filling in the gaps for her, which is not your intention, but it can't be helped since you can't abandon the kids to her mess. Good luck to all of you!

It sounds to me like your sister is going through some more serious than just a phase and needs professional help. Your parents are looking to you for the fix because they don’t know what else to do. I think you need to make an appointment for the three of you with a social worker and express your concerns. These children need their extended family to advocate for them, but that does not mean you have to do all the heavy lifting. A skilled mental health professional can give you some insight into what is going on and help you identify possible options. Then you and your parents can make those decisions together instead of feeling helplessly overwhelmed by what sounds like a very difficult situation. Good luck to you!

It's not about her, it's about the kiddos.

Do as much as you possibly can for them without running yourself down, and don't wear yourself out with resent for her choices. Not worth it.

I think it's time for a call to CPS. Perhaps that's the wake-up she needs. If she can't and won't care properly for her children, someone else will have to.

Also see if you can get the school guidance or adjustment counselor involved. If she knows that people in a position of authority are concerned, she may be motivated to change.

Could you or you parents bring her children into your home temporarily if needed?

I can only say that many of us see things within our families that we don't agree with. If you are in a situation to help then do what you can. If they are willing to accept the help, they will.

We have helped both of our families many times. In some cases they never let go over their (much better than ours) material things. We did what we could and the choice was theirs.

In other situations, we were begged to "do something"...so, I went out and purchased, a couple of sets of clothes, shoes, toothbrush, deodorant, soap, comb, socks, and underwear and then paid for postage. The package was back in my mailbox, return to sender. I was then told that he was someplace else, "please do something". So I delivered the items personally, placing them in his hands. The next day, I received a phone call to pick the teen kid up. Due to his issues, I could not place him in my home with a little girl. I then got another phone call that the entire box was still at the last house and "please go pick up the items". Please! Enough is enough! Him or his dad didn't want my help and refused it. That was the grandma begging me to do this. I haven't spoken to her since this mess and I didn't do anything wrong.

So, do what you can and be careful not to harm your family. I know that sounds like bad advice, but sometimes they don't really want it.

Give her a peace of your mind an ultimatum: tell her to straighten up or you are calling CPS and the school.

Tell your parents to step up too.

Personally I would take the kids in with the condition that she was on birth control and she brought food every week. I hate to see kids suffer.

Best wishes

A lot of good advice so far......

I think you first need to call a family meeting w/o your sister and find out what ALL other family members are aware of, share concerns and what they can do to help out. I don't think this should all fall on your shoulders.

Then maybe have one with her letting her know ALL of the families' concerns and options.

Inform the school. This will open up more resources for your nephews and be another 'set of eyes' on your sister.

You can make an anonymous phone all to CPS and ask them for how the system works. You don't have to report but they will refer you to someone to answer your 'what if questions'.

Family preservation is always first. In other words, as long as parents are not an imment threat the state tries to keep children with parents, then family members, then foster care. Should you chose to take these children on you will become their guardian. You will have some day to day decision making power and a stipend from the state.

It will involve some court dates and workers involved in your life, so you have to consider how your family will be effected and your employment. This is why it is important to involve all family members.

Good luck

Your nephews are lucky to have you

I think your whole family needs to help these boys and kick your sister to the curb. Sorry, but I have no sympathy for horrible parenting choices. I would do whatever it took to make sure these three kids were taken care of, even if that meant we all ate spaghetti every night. They need a solid place for home, because if they aren't getting it, they will end up in trouble.

You can always be their loving and supportive aunt, but I definitely think the whole family needs to do more for the boys. Your parents can get the boys to their house, or you can take them more, or something. Something has to give for the kids though.

I would take them in, but that's me. Only take them in if you want to. If you are heartbroken, then I would think you would want to help them. Your sister is choosing to be a bad parent already -- I don't think you would be "enabling" her.