4 1/2 Year Old Crying During First Year of Preschool

I don't think preschool is necessary, it's more like daycare than school. My opinion is to keep him home until kindergarten when he'll be older and more ready. Kids that are kept home until kindergarten are much more excited about going to school anyway. :)

I am a preschool teacher and have to say I am apalled at what advice your child's teacher gave you. When we have a problem with separation anxiety we work closely with the family and develop a consistent plan and routine. Now is the time to work on it...It will be harder when it is Kindergarten time. Think about ways that your son can find comfort..a little book of pictures, a special routine for saying good bye, a special stuffed animal to provide comfort. Look at ways to extend the day...pick up early at first and never be late always be the first parent. Don't hang out too much during drop off time and be positive. Your child will respond to how you are feeling..and will react to that. I am sure it is difficult with daddy being gone for so long...two or three times may not be enough time to establish a routine or make him feel comfortable. In the end, you will know what to do and what is best for your child. I work with 2 all the way up to kinders..and my own child had issues....It can be handled in a positive and loving manner. You can do it and so can your son! Good luck! There are also a lot of books and magazine articles...look for them at your local library...I am surprised your teacher didn't suggest something! That would surely ease your mind and let you know some techniques and suggestions for dealing with this normal behavior!

Hi L. - Question... is your son very verbal-able to talk about his feelings? If so that is where I would start. Having been through an 18 month deployment with my husband gone & us getting ready for another 13-18 month deployment in 2010 (he just left for an additional 3 weeks for training), I totally understand. My oldest was 3 1/2 when his Dad left the first time (he is now 8yrs old). My oldest was able to talk and share what frustration (granted in limited terms, he got better at it as he has gotten older - my youngest is a different story). I would encourage you to sit with your son and ask him how he is feeling (you can use face drawings, etc if he struggles coming up with words). You can use this to talk about his dad being gone in addition to what he is feeling at preschool. You might be surprised as to what kids will say on what they are feeling - they have so many emotions that they can struggle with finding the right outlet.

A couple of things that might help with his adjustment with school... Have you heard about "Flat Daddy"? If not, that is where you take a nice photo of Dad (head & shoulders in uniform, or what ever your son is comfortable seeing him in). Blow up the photo & glue it to a large piece of cardboard, cut around the photo & cardboard until it is the same shape as the outline of Dad. Use this Flat Daddy everywhere (include it in photos, at events, church, dinner table, etc). He could even take his "Dad" to school and give him that little extra piece of comfort knowing that his Dad is watching over him.

Another suggestion is to go to Military OneSource's website and click on the resources for kids. They have some wonderful books & DVDs (including Sesame Street) that deal directly with military kids and the struggles they are facing (for parents & kids). Then I would also share this information with his teachers at preschool. They may not understand (or have been trained) that he is more sensitive at this time due to deployment or in general.

If possible see if someone can watch your younger children for the time your son is at preschool. Then attend with him to help him realize that it is OK (you are there) - if his preschool does not allow parents to stay then I would suggest finding another preschool. Help him find things that he enjoys. As he gets more comfortable each day, try (with his permission) to leave a little earlier each day. It will get easier and he will soon get to a point when you can leave without any problems. Yes, there are times when just letting them cry it out works, but with the added complexity of him dealing with the separation anxiety just take it easy and you all will make it. These coping skills that he is learning will enable him to help him younger siblings when their time comes for preschool (especially if Dad is gone again).

If he continues to have too much anxiety then maybe look at doing some type of program at home. For my youngest we do a public charter school that is home based (virtual academy). It is not easy for us moms to deal with the kids & with our husbands deploying. I would suggest that you reach out to the FRG (Family Readiness Group - family support for military in your area). This can open up additional resources plus put you in local contact with other families that are going through the same situation. You are not the first mom to go through this & you wont be the last but you can & will survive!! Just one step at a time and your family will thrive. God Bless!

Hi L.,..
poor little guy. new schedules and routines are just soo hard for some kids.
It does not sound like the teachers are 'complaining' they just want your son to feel better about being in preschool.

I have a suggestion which may not be the normal response because it is inbetween the All in or out.

Why don't you start with just about 45min-hour the first week or two. then add an additional 5-10 minutes every week and work his way up to the 2 1/2 or so hours most preschools go. Be clear with him you will be back in at such and such time and show him on the school clock. Then next thing you know when he'll be there the whole time and likely loving having new friends. :)

I also send notes to class with my little one,not everyday- some do,.. the other day I saw another student whose parents printed out a photo with the note :)

What a neat idea -- Flat daddy!

hope it goes well.
-marg

if it is only the second day, the teachers should not be complaining...it is their job to help newcomers feel safe...and it is completely normal for a kid to cry the first few days of preschool...I used to teach 2 year olds - my recommendation is that you continue to drop him off, and tell the teachers that you expect them to find ways to help him cope (whether it be a special toy to hold onto, helping with something - just getting him involved in a project, playdough is usually great...) My suggestion for you - while it might hurt, just walk away...he will be fine (assuming you have done your homework and feel that you have chosen a great, safe place for him to be.

I had a couple of students like that in first grade. It is separation anxiety and perfectly normal.

Is best if you develop a simple quick routine and leave. DON'T LOOK BACK. DON'T PEAK. Don't dawdle. Let him have his cry. He will stop crying if you don't look back. As long as you come back at the end of the class ON TIME every day he will be fine. This may take a week or more. But it will happen.

Each day his crying time will be shorter. The teachers are trained to deal with this. Trust them. You will be surprised at how soon you are greeted with a smile.

I can relate to a couple of things you have going on. My son, now 5, had a long time before I was able to leave him. My husband is also military and deployed last year and will again for 7 months next week. It does not make life easy, and as my 5 year old is my youngest of 3, I can say that I have experienced separation anxiety in all 3 of them when he leaves for extended periods. My thoughts are with you and your son during this long haul!
Have you ever heard about co-op preschools? If you live in Washington, many of the community colleges have them available in a variety of formats. When we got here, my son was just turning 3, and while I wanted him to have a preschool experience (he was getting very bored at home with just me, no siblings during school day), I also knew there was so much change happening that he would not be ready to just be dropped off. The week I moved in, I received a catalog for our college, and I found the co-op here listed. It was the best thing I ever did. Co-op allows for parents to be present whenever they need to be - i.e., when your child is not ready for separation. You are not required to be there all the time, but you are required to work in the classroom on a rotating basis. I was one of several parents who could not leave for more than about 1/2 hour for the first 3/4 of the first school year, because of my child's needs. I felt welcome in there to just be there to reassure him he could feel comfortable there. It gave him the opportunity to be with other kids, have a little structure and learn some listening/following directions skills that would have been difficult to help him with at home. He is now a kindergartner in a parent partnership public school (it is a partial homeschool program), and thriving. It is also a huge benefit for parents - it forms a great network of support, and often forms long-term friendships between families.
Again, because of his young kindergarten age (late August birthday) and because Dad's ready to deploy yet again, I felt he would not be ready for a regular public school kindergarten, but would be better served with more time with me.
Hope this helps! Hang in there, and follow your instincts. It is not easy to know how far we should go with letting our child cry it out to get used to something. I did give my older son more of that chance when he was a preschooler, because I knew his demeanor was different and it was often an act to get me to stay. My 5 year old has had genuine life disruptions that has made it more of a challenge.
I wish you the best, and hope your deployment time passes quickly.

Being that this is his first time in school and he doesn't usually do well without you two, he's going to have a hard time. Usually the first 1-2 weeks can be hard for kids. One day they might be fine, the next, they had a horrible time. So, I would say talk to him a lot about his feelings, support him, make him feel safe, and keep trying.

That being said, it could be that the particular school is hard for him. I know that the few preschools around us are all completely different. Some go 3 days/week, some 4 and 5 days. Some have both morning and afternoon classes, some extended hours, etc. The particular school our daughter is in is in part of her teachers home. She has two classes a day, 3 days/week and only has 8 kids per class. The class size is perfect for us. Also, she really works on preparing the kids for school and it's run very much like a grade school. This is something we wanted as we wanted lots of structure and hope to send our daughter to kindergarten next year (when she's a month shy of 5).

This would not work for all families and kids. We have friends that have kids in less structured, larger classes and one that's in a very organic feeling program with lots of kids. The kids there get to do what they want most of the time instead of following a set schedule. Also, I do know moms that are a part of co-op preschool that has younger kiddos too. So I know they do exist out there.

Give him a couple of weeks, and if he is still having a really hard time, revisit the issue. In the mean time, talk to his teacher(s) and see what you can be doing to help prepare him more at home. Also, see if you can pick him up sooner for a couple days. Or, even stay for awhile before leaving. I know at our daughter's school, you're allowed to stay the entire time if you like.

I do think preschool is a really important start for kids. Every grade school teacher I know that works with the younger kids say it makes a WORLD of difference when children start preschool. Also, they can always tell the kids that didn't have preschool. They tend to enjoy school more, are more social and learn faster. If it doesn't work for him at all right now, I would try to get him in mid-year once he's 5. I hope he's feeling better about it all soon. :-)

I haven't seen this addressed as an option yet ...

Have you considered homeschooling? You are already his teacher. You are the best teacher he can have because you know him better than anyone else possibly can.

My first was just like your son. I know how your heart breaks when you know they are crying like that. The church nursery workers (experienced ladies) quit telling me to "just leave, he'll be fine", because he never was "fine": he never stopped crying -- loudly. (In fact, when a new volunteer suggested I leave him since he was playing happily, one of the "regulars" immediately explained that I could stay because he never stopped crying when I was gone!) He was 2 years old before he would stay in nursery without me. He is now 12 years old and quite well adjusted.

I, personally, don't see preschool as mandatory. God did not create school for kids. He created families. Yes, kids need some social time. But you are already involved in church. And you can go to the park, MOPS, playdates or other places for him to play with other kids.

For more homeschooling information visit Washington Homeschool Organization's site: www.washhomeschool.org

Prayers,
C.

My daughter was the same way. Some of the things that worked for us. 1) Play school at home so he can get an idea of the schedule 2)Make a plan with him for dropping him off and stick to it. ie, walk him into class, get him involved with an activity, say goodbye, get teacher to keep him involved while you walk out. It is hard to keep walking when your child is crying but if you both agreed on the plan and you keep it consistent he will get the hang of it.

My daughter cried every morning for the first 6 months. But only for a few minutes until the teachers got her involved doing something she likes (puzzles,coloring) She cried at times during the day but the teacher got her involved again.I also reminded her before I left when I would pick her up (not time but activity, ie after lunch time). Those concrete things really help.

Try not to keep him home or pick him up early cause then he will know that all he has to do is keep crying and he will get what he wants.

If the school and teachers are right for you and your son, they will work together with you to make this happen. If not, dont give up, find another school that is willing to work.

Make sure you keep a schedule at home too and spend some one on one time after school kind of like a reward. Remind him how proud you are that he is growing and being reponsible etc.

It is a tough transition for all. You will cry alot, he will cry alot. You both have to get comfortable and know this is just a phase to more growth for both of you!

The best thing I did was read the book "The Kissing Hand" to her and we sent our daughter to school with a real heart that she could hold to know that we love her and think about her even when we arent together. She carried that for the first 6 months and the teachers supported it.

If your son is close to his dad, and his dad "just" left, he's probably mourning the separation, and the additional separation from you may well have him worried and anxious, and maybe a little heartbroken. I'm guessing it really is too much for him to handle at once.

Being with totally new people for even a few hours probably feels like forever to him. And if he doesn't get to participate in the decision, he may feel completely helpless as those hours without you drag on.

It could be that your son is one of the sensitive, tender types. These people are just as amazing in their own ways as the tough, resilient types. They just have a somewhat different set of needs that must be met for their optimal emotional health. And they have a different set of gifts to offer to their families and the world. If that sounds like a possibility with your little boy, please don't make him "man up" like "other boys." That will make his life harder, not easier.

Can you have him stay at home with you for a couple more weeks? Give the anxiety a chance to subside. Talk to him a lot about his dad, remind him of all the fun things they do together and how much his dad loves him, assure him that his dad really really wants to come home to him just as fast as he can, keep pictures of his father and the two of them together where your son can see them in his bedroom and in a main living area. If he can talk to daddy regularly, or get a tape with his dad telling him stories about them being together, that's even better.

And reassure him that you're staying with him, no matter what. He'll always have your home and you and his family. Be sure he knows that his dad didn't leave because of anything your son did.

After he's had a week or more to process this difficult separation, you might try again with the preschool. Maybe start with just an hour or two. Have the first day be a Friday, so he'll again have a couple of days of reassurance before he has to go back. If he handles that well, increase the time he's there. With this gradual approach, he won't feel so out of control.

Good luck. Helping children through separations can be a delicate business.

My 3 1/2 year old sometimes has a really hard time when I leave him for preschool, even though he has been going there for over a year now (daycare also). Sometimes he will feel better if I hang out with him for a while. Could you take one day off and just stay with him all day one day? Or part of the day? Since his dad just left maybe he is worried that you will leave him too, so keep reassuring him that you are going to drop him off, he will do x, y, z (have snack, play outside, do special projects, have lunch ...) and after "Z" you will be there to pick him up. Maybe you could give him a special treat in his lunch box, or put a picture of you, or draw where the hands on the clock will be when you are going to be back. One other thing that sometimes lets me leave without tears - if there is a window tell him that you will give him a "window hug" and walk outside and spread your arms out on the window and let him do the same on the inside. This almost always makes my son laugh :-). Other than that, sometimes I'll just tell him "I'm sorry you are feeling so sad, I really want you to be happy, is there anything I could do to help you feel happier?" You may get a "let me stay home" type response, but I wouldn't delay until next year. Good luck!

Can you stay there and be in the background? Coop preschools allow you to attend if needed and you volunteer occassionally so he would see you then.

Otherwise, put a family picture in his bag...

Wow, I know you have the younger kids... Would it be possible to leave them with a friend for a couple of hours for a few days while you attend class with your son? He's probably afraid that you are leaving too. His dad is gonna be gone for quite some time. He must feel like he's losing so much. Maybe if you could be there with him for a couple of days in class and he can see that things are stable at home (and they should be especially with daddy gone for his work) he will be better able to adjust to going to preschool. Is he in a full day or half day program? If he's in a full day program, maybe put him in a shorter program so the time away from you is not so long. Good luck. And, thank you for the sacrifices that you, your husband and your family make for this country. We are in your debt.

I didn't read all the responses, but I wanted to say ditto to AmyB & Wenda. Especially about being appalled by the teacher's reaction. I definitely wouldn't give up on preschool (sounds like your son is just slow to warm up, but once he finds his routine he's grooving)...but the teacher's reaction makes me question how good/helpful/understanding/experienced/etc this particular school and teacher are.

Jumping into personal history:

My son went into 3day a week preschool *relatively* easily when he was 3 (he was soooo ready, and never wanted to leave when it was time to go kind of thing, but the new routine was definitely a little scary for him in the beginning). After the first couple weeks it was his favorite place in the world. (Ahem, still kind of is, we visit a couple times a year just so he can hug his teachers, and "chat").

- Same school a year later, and I had begun working a 12 hour shift on Mondays whereas previously I had only worked nights when my son was asleep. The teacher noticed my son was having consistently lousy Tuesdays (and we were in a montessori program that needs 3 days in a row, etc etc etc). So instead of suffering through, she brings up tuesdays, and offers to split his week to M, W, Th. So he could be home with me on tuesdays (and see if tuedays he was just missing Mom-time from the day before), but still stay with the same group of kids that he was friends with rather than move to the W/TH/Fri group.

- When he went through a "I'm not gonna get dressed in the morning without throwing a tempertantrum from blazes", which made us late a few times, she laughed and said to "bring him in his PJs, with his clothes in a bag...don't worry, with all the OTHER kids being dressed, he'll be changed lickedy split" (lol ... after the one time of wearing pjs to school, he only refused 2 more times to get dressed, but then got dressed in the car, rather than be odd man out).

- When any of the kids started saying mean things or going through a hitting phase her term was "so and so is learning to be a good friend, but is still working on X...there was some ______ing today and your son was really brave and patient etc" or vice versa if MY son was haveing trouble "learning to be a good friend", I'd get the low down on what went on and what steps were taken, AS WELL AS how "proud she was of him for x" (apologizing, listening, or some other activity he did well that day)...all right in front of him. So it was done in a way that encouraged good behavior from him, and helped ME out bigtime.

Tons and tons and tons of other examples leap to mind. In essence, I NEVER felt uncomfortable, there was always some positive spin, or aspect...and lots and lots of working together with his teacher. From day one I knew my son was safe and well cared for by this very experienced teacher and that her assistants were learning, too. I knew there'd be ups and downs, but that his teacher would help him through them...AND help me through them. Actually, since we now homeschool...I can officially say that she's my hero.

If your son is that upset about it I just would not bring him back right now. Just enroll him in some classes that you can participate in with him (for social interaction) or watch him in, like a sports or art class. I think that one or two more days would feel like an eternity to him right now and he is under too much stress to deal with it. If you need some time to yourself, maybe it would be good to hire a high school girl to come in and babysit, play games, sing songs and have fun with him for a couple of hours instead. The important thing is that you are listening to his feeling and validating them. He has a right to his feelings and you are doing a good job listening. I am a trained Family Therapist and previous Middle School Counselor and I have also worked as a teacher (K-2). Instead of blamming or telling the teachers what to do I would just walk away with my son with me, and I would definitely listen to his feelings. If you ignore his feelings you are breaking his trust in you. He may be too young to appropriately verbalize his feelings, so I would strongly encourage you to just sit down and play with some toys with him (as I'm sure you already do) and see what he shows you with his toys. What feelings are there? What is he saying? Do you see any symbolism? Maybe something happened at preschool that makes him feel scared, and he should be scared? Who knows? Of course he misses daddy, too. I wish I could help more. If you can find a filial therapist, which is a play therapist, in the area they can teach you to help your son through "parent-child play therapy sessions", so you can help him process his feelings.

Also, if you just hire a teen sitter for now, instead of preschool, you could have her help him with abc's, counting, colors and shapes (I loved teaching Kindergarten). You could also just have him attend a social interaction class with you (art or sports).

Hi L.,
I am so sorry that you are going through this, it is heartbreaking. My son sounds pretty similar to yours. I did not leave him with anyone but family until he was almost three becuase he would just be in hysterics for the entire time I was gone. However, after having my second child a little over a year ago, I was hoping to get my son into preschool just prior to his third birthday. He was just the same...first day fine with a little crying in the middle and then for the next few weeks a lot of crying. He cried when I left and during each transition from one activity to the next. His awesome preschool teachers said that they would just be consistant and loving and when I wanted to take him out they convinced me to stick with it. It took about 6 weeks for him to completely adjust. After about 3 weeks he would just cry when I dropped him off and by 6 weeks was asking to go to school. He only goes 2 days a week so it took some time to get used to this new part of his life but I am so glad that I stuck it out. He is a million times better now in every new childcare or social place we visit. We did not have any major changes at home and his environment is consistant but per the preschool teachers, 1 in about every 4 kids went through what our sons are going through. Good Luck!!!!