When in Trouble Daughter Cries for Grandma

J.,

My mother lives with me too. I have a three year old and an eight week old. My three year old is doing the same thing (since I was about 8 1/2 months pregnant). Now she asks Grandma to do things that I used to do. She has been "pushing it" since then, but it is important for Grandma to correct her too (my mom does). Grandma needs to be on board. Otherwise, she would be contributing to the problem. The three adults need to be on the same page or it will get worse (been there/done that). When the second one comes, she might go to Grandma for a little more attention.

You don't say who cares for her while you're working? Is G'ma doing the 'mothering'? If so, then she'll probably cont. to call out for her, because she is her primary care giver...or the one who's home.
Really tough to have two 'mamas'....good luck.

Don't make her big a "big girl" too soon. She's a baby still...only a tender 2 years old. Let Grandma baby her and rather than harsh discipline, try explaining to her why her actions are not appropriate. Work with Grandma too and by the time your new baby is here you can everyone on track to help with the new baby while still letting your little one stay little. Your little one and Grandma will both like it when you include them with a helping and assisting kind of way, or try it like this, instead of don't do that, let them know what can be done and it will be more fun for everyone. Grandmas are made to spoil the babies and sure she has her limits too for the child but maybe prefers a different way to deal with the child outside of "discipline". When she's doing something wrong, explain why and offer a good alternative. She's getting to be a big girl now and she'll like to help and when the baby comes then find ways she can help then too. Don't let Dad to hurt Mom's feelings, you can tell her what your issues are and work them out. It's hard living all together but have a happy household, communicate and give alternatives to the actions you dislike. You'll all be happier.

i remember going through this when my kids were little but my mother-in-law did not live with us. when we seen her she would tell both my husband & i to "leave the kids alone", "they arent hurting anything", she was always interfering!!! drove me nutts. some days i would leave my house to avoid her just incase she made one of her suprise attacks!!! now i am a grandmother to a baby girl that will be 3 in 3 weeks. she is my everything!!! (i had 2 boys & always wanted a girl.) i spoil her rotten but i do discipline her lovingly. now that i am a grandmother, i can understand why my mother-in-law was like that. being a grandmother is the greatest thing on the planet! we hate to see the kids sad. we just want to make their life perfect (if only we could!). we also remember mistakes made with our own children & try to correct it through the grandkids. i do not interefere with her discipline and i will discipline her for her own good. we can still spoil and discipline at the same time. go easy on grandma too, she realizes how frail life is & how quickly it passes us by so tell her gently & appreciate that you have her there. good luck!!!

have you ever heard that saying? "children & granparents have one enemy in common...the parents!!!" LOL!!!

I'm soooo sorry, I really have no good advice for you, but I do pray for you because I live with my mom-in-law too and I'm learning what a nightmare it is now that I have a child. I do foresee your problem coming to pass in my future. I wish you the best.

Dear J.,

I'm all for extended families and I think it's very practical to cultivate symbiotic relationships with our children's grandparents. But we all know it's the common belief of most grandparents, that it's their "right" to spoil their grandchildren. This is because grandparents, not being the actual parent, really should not be disciplining children, unless they are in the position of round-the-clock legal guardian. If grandparents do discipline their grandchildren, they do so in fear of losing the relationship of the grandchild, so their discipline lack the "teeth" (pardon the unintended humor) the parent should and could have. Your daughter is trying out on you what obviously has been working with Grandma: She probably cries and Grandma caves in. Besides all this, if you are the only one disciplining your child (her daddy leaves that up to you?), perhaps he came from a family that lacked disciplining skills which could be another reason Grandma is letting her do anything she wants.

I'm not sure what your financial situation is like, but it would probably be a lot bigger future payoff to invest in raising your daughter and son on the way, the way you want them to be raised instead of leaving them with anyone else. Maybe Grandma can still live with you, but you would be there to discipline your daughter with love instead. A lot of times when people show us how much we're "hurting their feelings", it's another form of crying when they don't get their way. Then we cave in so their feelings will go back to normal. That is emotional manipulation. We all do it, but it's still wrong. Grandma should respect your wishes and she shouldn't interfere.

Hope it helps. I love grandparents being involved, but only if it's a constructive situation, especially where your beautiful little daughter is concerned.

I agree with Ms L. You think its benificial to tell your two year old that shes a big girl now.because you have a baby comin?? Heck,if i were her,I'd be lashing out to! She feels like (she has already been replaced as the (baby) in the family. You are already using the new baby,as a bargining tool to try and get her to behave,and he isn't even there yet!The reason she runs to Grandma,is because Grandma doesn't put any pressure on her to (grow up) She still treats her as the only child in the household. Thats how she (should) be treated right now.Your daughter will find out soon enough,that she is no longer number one...She will notice all the attention that new baby is getting.Grandma,is trying to ease that transition prior to the baby coming, You didn't mention what it was,but she probably doesn't care much for your choice of disapline either.I would suggest,that you read some of the requests and responses dealing with disapline,here on (Mama-source) Most everyone agrees,that positive ,rather than negative reactions to naughty behavior,get alot better results.With the baby arriving just around the corner,this would be a good time, for you to be (The Big girl) and let grandma help with your daughter,to give you time to spend with the new baby.Once you all adjust,then you can take the time to have a sit-down and discuss your ideals on child rearing.The best of luck to you and your family.

I am with you on that. When my parents or in-laws are around they have tried to do that with my 2 year old. I have learned from my sister who has an 8 year old daughter that still cries for my dad when she gets in trouble. I have talked to both set of grandparents calmly and not during the situation which did not help. And now my child gets in more trouble if she runs to a grandparent. I warn my daughter before she does it and then if she starts to head to them I take her into another room. I have hurt my In-laws fellings on several occasions and have had to do some damage control but I would rather do that.

Hope that helps.
K.

Hi J.,
I would recomend you do a little reading about the maturity level of a 2 year old. A 2 year old is still a baby and would not be able to comprehend what a big girl is. The inner world of a 2 year old is about beginning to learn about bounderies and her relationship to the outer world. They do not have the ability to communicate like us so they will act out when they need love, more time, sleep, hunger, quite time. It is not time for her to expect to act like a responsible big sister. She may need some time in with you. Time for you to sit and hold her, time to be present with her. Lastly she me be overstimulated with sugery foods or media which doesn't allow her to be present for you. Take a good loving look at yourself, your habits, your relationship with her, and you may find the answers to your question.
Also please remember to give her lots of love and attention when that new baby comes, don't forget that she is still your baby and let her know that. Good Luck on your journey

Does your husband help and support you in parenting your child? If so, great; if not, get him on board. Don't worry about Grandma. Some grandmas are very good at listening to what their children need from them in terms of supporting their parenting choices, but some are not, like your daughter's Grandma seems to be. My mother's the same, and my husband isn't fully on board with me as far as discipline goes--but he's slowly getting better. So, I can relate to being the "bad cop" in the home! If you're the only one disciplining her, then she will learn that she can't get anything past you, even if she can with Grandma and maybe Dad.

Because your MIL lives with you, she needs to realize that her relationship with your children can't be the typical "spoil them then give them back." You definitely need her on board with you when it comes to discipline. Perhaps your MIL isn't disciplining your daughter because she doesn't want to step on your toes. I recommend a team meeeting about boundaries and expectations. Let her share with you what her needs and desires are, then express your own. Choose your words carefully. Preface your statements with "It makes me feel..." or "I really need your help..." Hopefully, you have been blessed with tact during your pregnancy (I was not:).)Perhaps you could build in special grandma spoiling days during the week. But there definitely needs to be some shared ground rules set before baby number two comes. Your husband needs to be part of impressing upon his mother his support for YOU. (Ever heard of "leave and cleave"?) His first concern needs to be about YOUR feelings and backing you up. This may be a difficult pattern to break if those apron strings are still attached. He can still be gentle with her. But both your husband and MIL need to understand that if the marriage is going to work, then the primary team is the husband and wife. Finally, two women sharing a home and child rearing is very difficult, even if you are on the same discipline page. Change doesn't come without discomfort. I wish you the best of luck.

This is normal. My niece used to cry for whoever wasn't there disciplining her. If my mom/ her grandma is disciplining her, she cries for her mom. If it's her mom, she cries for dad or grandma. If it's me, she cries for her mom or grandma. It's only effective if you let it be. In the end, she realized it didn't change anything. She was still supposed to be listening to the one in charge.

As for disciplining, in the end, she's your child. So whether Grandma approves or not, it's your and your husband's decision as to how and when you discipline your daughter. My MIL tries to step in all the time when we are at her house. My 20 month old son was grabbing at a wooden decorative heart that was hanging on the outside of the glass fireplace screen. I told him, "No." She said, "It's ok. If that comes down, it won't hurt anyone." What?!? My husband and I used to try to explain to her through explaining to our son why we were correcting him. Now, we just tend to ignore her interjections and focus on handling our son. Otherwise, it'd just get too confusing for him. We want to make it clear to him in the beginning that Grandma and Grandpa do not overrule Mom and Dad. Will your mother-in-law's feelings get hurt? Yeah. My MIL will get hurt too. But I'd rather their feelings get hurt as opposed to our children having bad manners or getting physically harmed, because we couldn't stand up to our parents and teach our children right from wrong. You and your husband need to be a united front.

It sounds like the main problem is that Grandma is not on the same page with you. You and your husband need to sit down with her and tell her what you expect as far as discipline for your daughter, and ask her if she feels that the way she deals with your daughter is helping your daughter develope good habits.
I think that as long as she lives in your house, she needs to follow your rules. As long as she is living there, she is a great influence, and can't do the "grandma thing" all the time.

I agree w/ Molly. You are in a situation very familiar to me. MIL has a job to be a good grandparent, but also not to undermine you or tocause your child to feel you are the "bad guy" for correcting your her. My MIL still trys to spoon feed my 4 1/2 yr. old, and I've told her that when she isn't around and it's just my child and I, It's harder for me to get her to listen because she thinks we ALL have to do what NANA does. This is your child and soon to be children. If she is the childcare provider, maybe you should consider for your own sake asking your husband to help you approach this subject so you don't offend Mom. Let him know how much you appreciate her, but it's for you child's own good to show you two are a team and you need to be respected. Best wishes to you all.

Hi J.,
I know where you're coming from. I had two step-children and I was the only disciplinarian, which was really hard not even being the actual parent. My step kids grew up having a lot of respect and love for me. Even though their father and I aren't together I know that they still love and respect me. Their mom has told me that and has thanked me for it.
You can only ask your mother-in-law for her support and explain to her why it's important, unfortunately you can't make her comply. For your daughters sake you need to stick to your boundaries.
Best of luck,
S.

I don't have an answer to this, nor did I find any solutions in the replies to your query. I live in my own suite with private entrance..having a small "share" in a house with my son and his wife. I am available within reason to assist with my two grandchildren, particularly when my son is out of town working (one month home, one month out of town). I certainly have rules for my grand daughter and don't spoil her at all...I didn't. for example. feed my children sweets and junk food. I take the "Jo Frost" approach to child rearing... grandchildren or no! My son, daughter-in-law, and I all have similar ideals and get along so what I don't understand what to do when my grand daughter almost always cries when I leave, or if she happens to spot me coming and going.... It only lasts a couple or so minutes but it is particularly annoying when I, for example pick her up at her part-time daycare and have to drop her off and not stay with her. She shouts "I don wanna see mummy I wanna car with gramma - i don wanna see dadda..." and it has been going on for so many months now that it in some way is forming a habit that could end up becoming hurtful to all of us. We keep thinking it will improve but it just carries on! There are no ulterior happenings... no drama... no mean mums or dads... but perfectly wonderful parents... Little one is normally laughing and playing and loves her mum and dad. Sometimes, esp. after a long visit with Grandma or if she is tired or hungry...she is quite content to start asking for Mummy or Dadda and run to her or him...with great glee... We are otherwise completely perplexed about what to do because of course, most visits and encounters are frequent but short... We have tried various means, such as that she not see me for two weeks... that didn't do much!! seemed to make it worse! (And it was h*** o* all of us!!).... We tried my seeing her everyday... and that works better, but it's not all that practical and we would like to maintain a more normal independence. Do the experts condone "time out" for crying in this situation...??? or what... I can't find anything other than for really obvious situations that involve dramatic situations like "mean moms or dads" vs an "incredibly wonderful grandparent" OR "absolutely wonderful parents" vs "a self-centred manipulative grandparent" !! I mean really, most people I know don't have that kind of drama and/or polarity of purpose in their life. Anybody got some practical advise??

HI,J..

I am a first time grandma and my son and his wife live with us . I just wanted to let you know have patients with her .Is this her first grand baby? I know as a mother in law my new grand daughter is only 2 months but i don't tell them what to do or how to do it because i remember being over pretective at first . But we talk alot i ask her what she would like me to do because this is thier baby and i want to help them in the way they want to raise her when she wants her to nap or eat and just play and tummy time . I always ask her do you want me to put her down for a nap or keep her awake so she will sleep alittle longer at nite . this is a whole new world for my husband and i and we keep communication always open i had patients and truley love my daughter in law and think she is a great mom and doing well and because i don't want to be over barring it is really paying of now she ask me for advice or if i think she is doing the right thing . And i love it . talk to your mother in law go out for lunch and just say i can us your help . And in a round about way with out hurting her just ask her what she did and how she felt .It will make it easyier on you if you learn to work together . Let her know how you feel and just ask her for help it will make her feel needed. best luck to you.

Remember firstly that your child is 2. This is so natural for 2 year olds to go for the sympathetic party. Even if mother in law wasn't on the scene, she'd call for the most sympathetic parent! Two is the age where they really discover that they can voice or act out to get their way or not do something. They are testing their wings if you will. Also allow that your emotions are closer to the surface when you are pregnant. Unfortunately, we don't always see things as rationally as we would when we aren't pregnant! :o)

My mother lives with us too and I will tell you this is not always easy on the parents, the kids OR grandma. Lets look at it from grandma's side. Your mother in law is not the parent, and of course she would be sympathetic to her grandchild. She also sees things differently and in some cases somethings we don't see. This is what I have found works: My husband and I issue and carry out the discipline. If for some reason we are not home and grandma is watching the kids (which is a VERY nice SERVICE she gives) we ask that she will just follow through on whatever the punishment might be (i.e., T.V., whatever). We do not however hold her accountable if our children do not listen to her. Our kids know that we will ask for a report from grandma on their behavior and then we hold them responsible for it. Big trouble if we find out they refused to do something. My mother started out not wanting to "tell" on the children. Which was fine too (being sympathetic to grandmas tender feelings for her grand babies) however, what started to occur was the children would never listen to her. She eventually learned she had to let us know so that we could teach the children to listen.

As for running to grandma. That's all on us. No matter who lives in our homes we still control where they go. I was the meanest mom ever (and grandma felt real bad too) when I refused to let them go to grandma's room. I only had to do it a few times before they realized visiting grandma was a privilege that could be taken away if they didn't obey.

Doing these things has worked for us. My mom is still their sympathetic ear, but don't underestimate the power of grandma. My children will still go to grandma when they feel things aren't fair or they've been disciplined. Grandma is a good listening ear as well as a great counsel giver. My mother has taught them some great things with her "sympathetic ear." GOOD LUCK! It's not easy, but hang in there it really can work.

J.,
Who babysits your daughter while you are at work? Is it Grandma? If so, it will be harder to enforce your discipline. If Grandma is not the main babysitter, then you have to repeat over and over and over again to your mother-in-law that you want your darling daughter to be a sweet, adorable child, as she is, and not become a brat or display rude behavior towards you. If your mother-in-law is the primary babysitter, start praying, and eventually your husband and you will have to have sit downs with her and explain what you want to happen. Don't backdown. My three grandchildren, daughter, son-in-law, husband and myself lived together almost two years. Quite an experience. We survived, but we had to have discussions every so often. Sometimes my husband and I would do things they didn't want us to do with the boys. I tried to respect their wishes when we were told. If what my husband did(Grandpa), was not discipline enough, I went the other way. I finally realized that being a grandmother with them in our home, meant honoring their wishes and trying to being a loving encouraging grandma. We didn't always agree, but we worked through it again and again. Keep the communication open, try not to resent her, believe me you can resent a very nice mother-in-law sometimes. Your husband has a unique relationship with his mom. I tried to think about my relationship with my son and how special that is for me.It helps me with my mother-in-law, and sometimes I just give her space and let my husband spend time alone with her. Try it, it will help your relationship with her and keep the resentment down a bit. The fact that you are asking for help in this area is a step forward.

E.:)

I understand that Grandma has a VERY special place in your daughters life. That being said, this is YOUR daughter. Looking down the road a couple years, what do you see? More of the same, worse with two now? I would suggest a conversation with your husband so that you guys are on the same page. Then involving Grandma and setting some boundaries/guidelines that ALL of you can be happy (or at least live) with. I'm sure she has fabulous intentions, yet you sound frustrated and unhappy in the current role of being the disciplanarian.
M.

Hi J.- THAT is alot to deal with cause you feel all alone in this i am sure- You really need to have a heart to heart with your mother in law and try to be stern in a gentle way if that makes sense -its not fair to you for sure - LEt your husband know you are going to have this talk with his mom because its really upsetting you- hopefully he will join in on the talk- if not just explain to her how much you love having her around but at the same time could she please try and help you in raising your daughter with disapline to help her later in life - try to put it as you need to all be a support team together - because your 2 year old is smarter than all of us!! HAHA - its natural for her to go to the softer person to help her "get out of" trouble so its not helping her and being a grandma is her role of spoiling but at the same time she is with you ALL the time so thats not fair to you - I have to reprogram my kids after my inlaws leave after a few months if staying with us and I asked her nicely just to check with me before giving them treats or anything so NOW she tells them you need to go ask mom first so it was a battle for srue but the older they get they understand - so a nice friendly heart to heart first then I would get stern with grandma if needed she raised her children now its your turn to raise your the way you see fit weather she agrees or not its your turn- she need to learn the rules and get on board so you dont have a handful once your new baby arrives it will be hard enough for your daugtehr to ajust so it will be a roller coaster for a bit this is a good time to have the chat so while you are on maternitiy leave you can put all your rules into effect and make them work for everyone ! Good luck !!

I just want to express my sympathy. As my husband is out of town (often out of the country) for various lengths of time (sometimes a couple of months straight), to get some help taking care of my 21-month-old and 6-month-old while I go to school (I am a graduate psychology student and teacher), my parents and in-laws, who live within driving distance, usually spend a few days each week with my kids. My mother, of her own volition, has become basically a servant to my elder child. She will feed him on her lap whenever he wants to be fed, even if it's the middle of the night. My father, has become an alpha male (person that is obeyed without question) through consistent, authoritative (neither punishing nor yielding) behavior toward my kids. When he tells my elder child it's time to walk around the block, brush his teeth, take a bath, go to bed, etc., my son does what he's told without protest.

I think that my elder son, who was just one year and ten weeks old when my younger son was born, did not understand the concepts of "big brother" and "big boy." I'm not sure that a two-year-old understands those concepts, either.

Good luck,
Lynne E

Hi J. -

I'm sure you feel terribly pitted against the forces here, and I'm sure you'd like to have as much potential chaos as under control as possible when your new baby is born. And I say this with as much loving respect for your feelings as possible -- just because your 2 year old is about to become a big sister, she isn't automatically going to become a big girl, not what you mean by a big girl. A two year old is still a two year old, and she'll have to go through all the developmental stages in her own time. A parent (and grandparent) can discipline, but the expectations simply have to be reasonable.

I highly recommend a book series on child devel - "Your One Year Old, Fun Loving & Fussy," "Your Two Year Old, Terrible & Tender," etc.... Written by Louise Bates Ames and two other authors last names' Ilg and Baker. Excellent reads that help parents understand where their child is inside. They don't lay down dogma, they just explain the developmental stages, saying that some children may be a bit ahead, some may be a bit later. I personally found that understanding what was going on helped me deal. A 2 yr old can be quite tough to live with (so can a 3 yr old, BTW, so get ready, & don't blame your darling daughter when the time comes).

All that said, we as parents do NOT need to be sitting ducks, waiting for intolerable behavior and tantrums to take control of our lives. And grandmas often take short cuts because they are tired at this point in their lives and just don't have the energy for the parenting. But if GM LIVES with you, then she doesn't get to spoil like she would if she was just having a visit.

Perhaps there is some kind of parenting class you could go to together? There's lots of stuff available in the greater LA area. Cedars-Sinai has something they call the Warm Line, where you can call and get parenting advice; they may have a referral. I found a really cool sounding parenting group through Vista Del Mar. I believe the group met in SM. There's a place in Westchester called Emerson that might have something.

Now, this may sound airy-fairy, but I have a final piece of advice, and this only applies if my hunch is correct. Being pregnant, you may be a bit tired and agitated? Perhaps anxious about what's to come? And justifiably frustrated by your MIL's actions which feel like she's undermining you. However --- however... take a moment and look at your actions. Is it possible that you are perhaps acting a bit too angry? If so, your MIL may feel like a bit of softening is in order. She may not be trying to undo your discipline; she may just be trying to comfort. I have no idea, because you haven't said what actually happens in your home when your daughter is in trouble.

Just keep in mind that a 2 yr old barely is aware of why they do what they do. Impulse control is down the road. It's not too soon to teach, but a bit soon to expect a 2 yr old (or even older) to have it right. And, even if she drives you crazy, your MIL will feel more alligned with you if you express appreciation for her help (even if you have to grit your teeth behind your smile & cross your fingers behind your back).

I wish you & your family all the best.

Peace & Blessings,
Colleen

You are right :] Of course. Children are basic and simple. They can read what is going on. Mom is the bad guy and Grandma will save her. Fixing the problem is both easy and difficult. The easy part is talking with your mother-in-law and asking her not to interfere in these situations. There are plenty of other times when your daughter would love and deserve the attention from her. The hard part, inevitably your mother-in-law will be defensive and have hurt feelings - she will get over it. She needs to be reminded that she is your daughter and this is how you are raising her, and thank her too! All that love in your daughter (& soon to be children's) life is invaluable to her self-confidence and self-worth. Good luck and God Bless You!

Really, one word: BOUNDARIES! It's one thing for Grandma to spoil her granddaughter...that's her right and privledge as Grandma, but when she is living either close by and regularly part of your lives, or living under the same roof as you, there needs to be some sort of discipline consistency, and she needs to be on board with you and your husband so there is no confusion. Little ones are smart...you're right, it took your daughter no time at all to figure out who she can go to when things aren't going her way. It's important you discuss this with your mother in law, and that she works with you on this. And better now than after baby is born, because having Grandma around could be a valuable asset to you during this time and having peace of mind that you and she have a good working relationship when it comes to discipling your daughter could help make things much easier for you.

Good luck to you!