Last night my husband and I talked on the phone. We talked for about 3-4 hours off and on. That was after I called him on Friday very early in the morning. He tells me that after he had a chance to think about it all he doesn't see us getting back together. He doesn't see me gaining his respect again. He tells me that he loves me and cares for me. He says that he has turned in to this cold hearted person and that is what he knows to do right now. He isn't this cold hearted person at all. He is a kind and caring man that is hurt and I do mean very hurt right now. He goes on to tell me that he doesn't see us together. I know what I did was a big mistake. I told him I'm trying like crazy to gain back his respect and get back my family. I'm trying to have faith that we will be back together. It's just very hard right now when he asks give me a reason why. I tried to tell him that I want us and I don't want it to end like this. It doesn't have to end like this. He tells me that isn't a reason. I try to give him a reason. I don't think either one of us will go down and file any paper work though he said that is what he should do and be done with it. I told him that I'm not going to sign anything because this is worth saving. We are worth saving and we are worth fighting for.
He told me that he likes his slience and that he can go home have a glass of water and sit down and read. I know he likes his silence but I also know that he likes hearing his son play. I want to be the one he comes home to. I want to be the one who has a hot meal ready for him, have the place all cleaned up, and be the one who he wakes up to every morning. He doesn't see that and he told me he doesn't want it.
I don't know what to do right now. I want him and I want to be with him and work this all out. I don't know what else to say or even do at this point. He told me he had time to mourn the loss and that he is over it. But I don't see him being over it. Yes we are talking a lot more than what we have. I see that as hope. I see that turning into what we had before. We had to learn how to live with each other and we fell in love again. I've told him that but he says he doesn't see it. I see it and I do want it.
Please nothing negative.
*I have called about going into counselling through the church. Right now there is a waiting period. My son and I are living at my mom's house and I'm looking for a job.*
There is still a lot going on. One minute he's being very hateful and hurtful towards me. The next minute he's acting all nice to me again. So I'm getting very confusing emotions about this whole thing. He hasn't said that he filed for divorce so I don't know if he just said that to hurt me or what. I just don't know.
I can tell you want your marriage to work and you are hurting.
The truth is you can't make him want to stay married and he has decided to move on. You have got to face reality and make the best decisions you can for your child and yourself.
Is there anyone to help you in real life? I would be honest with your friends and family so they can help you find a job, place to live, daycare, and everything else you will need.
I haven't read any previous postings if you made them, so I'm going only on what you said in this one.
It takes the commitment of two people to make a marraige work and to repair a broken one. If your husband has given up and says he is done, then there is nothing you can do. That's not negativity; that is simple reality.
I'm seeing a lot of "I want" in your post, as well as being dismissive of his straight-up words in regards to what he says he wants. If he will go to marriage counseling with you, there is still a chance to save it. If he won't, then the only thing you can work on is yourself.
If you're not seeing someone already, find a therapist that can help you work though this difficult time and help you emerge a stronger person regardless of what happens with your marraige.
If I remember correctly, you were the one who initiated the separation in the first place, correct? You wanted to leave your husband because you thought you were falling out of love with him before you actually knew how you felt or what you actually wanted.
Of course he's hurt. He's having trouble with trust, wondering if this is how it will always be. He's taking control of a situation where he doesn't feel in control at all. He's also getting some little digs in at you that he knows will hurt you because... wait for it... he's not just hurt, he's angry because he feels you broke up the marriage.
He needs to hear statements affirming strength of conviction.
"I'm attending counseling because I want to be the best person I can be."
"I love you. I need you. I miss you."
"I don't want to be separated any more. I don't want a divorce. I don't want our marriage to end."
"I hope that you make the choice to attend marriage counseling with me so that we can work through things. I don't expect you to forgive me right away. Counseling will be a safe place for us to talk."
"If you file for divorce, I won't sign the paperwork unless we're officially separated and have been to ____ number of marriage counseling sessions during the space of a year. I'm committed to trying to make things work for our sake and our child's sake."
After reading your older posts I think you need to be in counseling if you aren't already and work on yourself before you get your husband involved again. You said you only loved him as a 'friend' and didn't want to work on some things he did, such as the facebook disagreement, and you are 'lost' and don't know who you are so I think you should start there. Find a good counselor and it sounds like your husband has made up his mind already so you may not be able to control that at all but you do need to work on you for your sake and your son's sake.
You miss him. Give yourself time to move through those emotions. And work on bettering yourself and your life. You wanted this separation for a reason. You cannot control how he sees the situation or how he feels. Honestly, since you wanted the separation, he may not fess up to his true feelings (if he did truly want to come back to you or work things out). He has given you what you wanted. Both of you need to focus on yourselves now. Maybe you will end up back together or maybe you won't. Either way, you can't force anything on him. And sadness is a tricky emotion. What if he came back and your lost feeling still remained? Sometimes we miss something not because we want it but because we're used to it.
It sounds like you must have posted other threads about your marital issues, but I haven't read them, I'm just reading this as a stand alone post. I don't know what caused you and hubby to be separated. It sounds like you've done something that has hurt him and expect him to forgive you even if that's not what he wants. You do a lot of talking about what you want, but marriage is not all about what you want. There is another person involved here and you don't get to just make mistakes, hurt the other person and then decide you'll do better and should get back together. There are two people in a marriage. He's told you he doesn't want the marriage. I've been married 22 years. Maybe you need to figure out what being married is about. Being a wife is not about keeping the house clean and cooking meals. That's not how you should base your value as a wife or a woman, and not how a man should judge your value either.
You may not get to have what you want. All the counseling in the world will not guarantee that your husband will want to return to this marriage. Sometimes, we have to accept that we've made mistakes and have to live with the consequences.
I hope that down the line, whether your husband returns to the marriage or not, that you will find happiness.
If he doesn't see you together, has no interest in working on the mariage, and likes going home to his own space, there isn't much to hold onto. (I also think your hubby is the one who wanted to take marital status off his facebook and appeared to potentially be looking at dating others...also not good signs here.)
Please do a harsh reality check on your situation. Your husband has told you that he does not want to be married to you. You can't force someone to love you and want to be with you. And, you don't really say in your post that you love him either. IF your husband files for divorce, are you going to be blindsided? Just because you refuse to sign papers does not mean that he has to stay married to you. It just means that you'll both have to go to court and have the judge grant the divorce against your wishes. (My friend had to do that with her husband, and it was not pretty.) Saying that you won't sign papers does not give as much power as you might think. You need to be thinking about things like custody arrangements and child support and considering optins for permanent housing, childcare, etc. I believe your husband works out of town....would you want to move closer to his location for ease in visitation and childcare? I'm not trying to be negative; I'm trying to make sure that you protect yourself.
Do you love him? Why did you marry him? There has to be more than wanting a family and having a son together. My husband and were "in love" when we first met and then while still dating reality set in (different hobbies, different energy levels at different times of the day) so we took some time apart but realized we really loved and missed each other. We ended up living together for a year before getting married. I do not know what led up to you getting married, but perhaps reality is setting in that life is not just sunshine and roses. It is a lot of hard work, and if you are with a person that is not sure if they like or love you it makes it that much harder, even pointless. For us the hardest part was moving in together and figuring out how to take some private time in the apartment without hurting the other's feelings. Sometimes you just want an hour or 2 without talking and if the other had a quiet day and feels like describing everything that happened then it can blow up into a fight. We learned to ask if now was a good time to talk or listen.
On the other hand, once you have kids you do not get to choose silence since children need attention at that age no matter what you planned to do. But if you are jumping on your husband with a thousand questions or demands the minute he walks in the door, perhaps you can give it a rest for half an hour.
J., I am not sure what happened here. From your post I can only guess, were you or he unfaithful? Since I don't know, there isn't a lot to go on other than he can't see you together. Was he unfaithful and blames you? Were you lonesome and unhappy? So all I can say that in either one of these cases someone was unhappy enough or tempted enough to do something then the marriage was becoming a sad enough situation that it could happen. But, there can be a marriage but it needs two. I have a hunch if you go about your business and continue your life he will see your strength and begin to realize more of what he is missing. Right now your sadness and desperation are giving him the upper hand, the cards so to speak and he is using them for all it's worth. If you look at it though sadly is he actually worth the fight or is it the wishing for what you can't have right now the issue? Sometimes these guys (or girls) are not really what are right for us but we can't have it and it drives us crazy. Don't sign papers, take your time, get some counseling and live life. Love your little one with all your heart. He is sounding cold, not over it. So my best wishes to you, many prayers for you and him.
You really should listen to the words that he is saying to you.
If he is willing to go to counseling with you, then do not sit on a wait list. Find somebody who can see you NOW. If he is being honest and open with you, then he is really showing you that he cares by engaging you in this way. Maybe he's trying to let you get it out of your system so that the actual divorce won't necessarily hit you so very hard. Your counseling should probably be geared toward getting to a healthy place with this and not holding out hope.
