Ok - this is a tough question. Feel like I must be the worst mommy in the world. Nolan and I were playing before we had to go out. He'll be 3 in a few weeks. Something prompted me to ask if he loved me. He wouldn't answer. I asked if he loves daddy - he said yes right away. Daddy is an OTR trucker and gone all week. So it's just Nolan and I most of the time. I asked a few more questions - he said yes he would like to be just with daddy, that I should go to work (not daddy I assume he meant). I asked if he thought mommy was too mean - he said " I think so.". When I've prompted on this before, like 6 mos ago - he won't say he loves me but he'll say he loves other people. I asked him if I should go away - he said yes.
I am the disciplinarian with Nolan and have not been the greatest mommy when it comes to patience with him. That is my guilt talking for losing my temper with him.
I know at his age his verbal skills are such that he can say a word but not understand the full meaning. But it just stung so hard to hear my toddler doesn't love me. He won't even say he likes me. He says he'd rather be with daddy.
He does show affection to me, sit snuggled with me, will hug me. I kiss him a lot. We play every day, sleep together. But I feel like we fight a lot too at this stage - just up and down all day.
Any thoughts - good, bad and ugly would help. I have been crying off and on all mornig now. He is at day-care so he's not seeing me like this.
Thanks everyone for your response. It is so much harder than I ever imagined being home ALONE with Nolan all week. And I am under tremendous stress right now and very PMS-y. So yesterday morning - this unexpected conversation just hit me all the wrong way. I love seeing Nolan enjoying daddy so much - it really is a lot of fun. But it does hurt to always be the bad guy and to be tossed aside so roughly every weekend for daddy. I am desperately trying to find a job so daddy can be home every day. I do some of the stuff you all mentioned but will endeavor to be much calmer in my interactions with him. I am sure they are too emotionally charged. When I say fighting - I don't mean fight as in back and forth arguing - but the constant toddler discipine you do all day....don't throw that, pick up your toys now, don't stand on the chair, please don't throw water on the cat.....
Plus I really miss being outside with Nolan. It is always a stressbuster to go to the park or the pond or whatever. Cabin fever abounds. We have bundled up a lot this winter to do that but just too cold and wet lately.
K.,
Trust me. He loves you. You are with him everyday and he probably doesn't know what it's like to be away from you for that long. Let him spend some time with someone other than you and I bet you he will be missing you like crazy. All paretns lose their temper sometimes...it's part of parenthood. Don't worry so much. Again HE LOVES YOU. Good luck and have fun with him.
M.
He's three, it sounds like a perfectly fine answer form a three year old. You said you asked him these questions, he tried to give you the answer he thought you wanted.
Oh my god, you need to chill. Toddlers have the emotional maturity of a potted plant compared to adults, and virtually no concept of what "love" means. 2 years old is a very combative age for most children and with you as his primary caregiver it is his mission in life to tell you NO about everything. He's going to do this verbally, through his body language, in every thing that he does. Of course he wants to be with daddy, most likely life with daddy is a 24 hour party. You're the one who is coming in telling him it's time to take a bath, don't do that, no, the source of all things opposite to what he wants right now. Of course he thinks you're mean. You are reading way too much into a 2 year olds responses to questions he cannot possibly understand the scope of. When it comes to small children you have to remember to KISS them (keep it simple stupid) you ask them if they want to wear the blue shirt or the red one. If they have a preference, they'll pick one. If they don't have a preference, they'll say no and refuse to wear a shirt at all just because they know mommy wants them to. Don't ask questions that take an adult half an hour to answer properly. If you want to know whether your 2 year old loves you think about it this way, who does he want when he's sick? who does he come to when he wants a drink? who does he cling to when he's scared? The surest sign of love in a child is trust, and if you feel confident that your child trusts you to take care of them you can feel confident that they love you. As far as the fighting and losing your patience goes, it's normal and the easiest solution is to pick your battles. Lower your expectations of him and yourself. If you go back to the basics and focus on only what you both absolutely need to get through the day, you can add in the stuff you'd like to have happen until one of you starts to feel overwhelmed again. Then take one step back.
I so understand how you feel K.. If my toddler could verbalize I'm sure he would have said the same thing. I'm a stay at home mom to my 4 boys, and my youngest is 2. He loves his daddy sooo much! And he would spend his days being a typical 2 yr old with me. Some days it felt like all he did was hit me and kick me ~ literally! It was so frusterating. My husband would come home from work and I'd tell him that Thomas doesn't even like me let alone love me!
My parents own an accounting firm and asked me to work part time in the mornings as their receptionist during tax season. It worked out perfect for me because my husband works 2nd shift. Since he's been staying home alone with our Thomas 5 hours a morning.... Thomas hits HIM and loves me! LOL! It feels nice, but it also helps me to understand better that he is only a baby, and misses the partent when they're gone. It doesn't mean he loves his dad or I any less... he's just missing the parent that's at work.
I hope this helps a little bit... your son loves you K., he just misses his daddy.
Please keep in mind that if he were with daddy all the time instead of with you, and if daddy had to do the hard, but loving work of constantly laying down the law with him, your son would 'love you more' and want to 'be with you more'.
I am sorry that you are going through this; it certainly can be soul-crushing. But, in the same way that as a mother you don't "hate your kids", there are moments when you 'hate' their actions. It doesn't mean you have stopped loving them.
K., it is not difficult to see how your feelings could be hurt here. Please realize his actions say otherwise. At this point in his life, he sees daddy - swho is not hom all of the time- as the good guy. So he rewards him with the words. But believe me, if there were a situation where he had tostay wiht someone else while daddy was out working- he would want his mommy! If you are that desperate- arrange for that for a week or whatever- but not just with anyone.(rules need apply- not a place where he gets whatever he wants whenever he want, etc...)
But if you just go along with life, doinghte best you can, and the bothe of you showing love, you continue to tell him you love him, eventually, he will reciprocate it. For now, just know that he insn't sure of all of the meaning of what he is telling you, and he may be SO close to you, that he doesn't realize his true feelings for you.
Of course he loves you, and it is natural for you to love to hear it. I am sorry it is how it is right now, but please know it won't stay like this for very much longer.
Also, if you have guilt about your reactions to him, then maybe watch super nanny with your son. Follow how she does things and be confident about your parenting. Parental guilt is almost always a guarentee while being a parent, but if you truly feel that much guild, watch the show. You do need to be sure that how you parent is right.
Also, go to the libraby and read some books together about this sort of thing....maybe look on line for books tht will get your son to understand mommy wants to be loved too.
I hope everything works out very soon to where Nolan understands and appreciates his mommy that loves him so much.
God Bless,
A.
Your child is not supposed to be your friend and vice versa. That comes later when he is all grown up. Losing your temper at him is a big no-no. But a lot of us have done it and I am one of them. Your job is to raise him to be a responsible adult. View him as your life's project.
Work on your self control. You must speak to him calmly and matter of factly. When he misbehaves, don't overtalk it. Just say "no, you're not allowed to do that" or "yes you will pick up your toys". Then pick him up and put him in playpen or bed and say "you will stay here until you are ready to behave" or "ready to pick up your toys", etc, and make him stay for at least 15 minutes.
Don't worry about whether he loves you or likes you etc. If you start that game, he is going to sense that he is getting to you and that he can get his way. He loves you. All kids love their moms and dads, even abused kids. And they go through days liking one over the other and then reversing, so don't worry about it.
Fill his daddy in on what the discipline plan is and when he is home have him be the one to do it. Plan it ahead so that you are not telling him in front of your child, that will take some of the guilt off of you.
And when he gets in trouble with dad, and dad wants to punish him in his own way, let him be. Try very hard not to argue about these things in front of your son or he will learn to play mom against dad and vice versa. I speak from experience with my first child. I learned from him and my other two were not like that.
K.,
I know it's hard to hear that from your own little boy. I'm sure with the amount of snuggling and cuddling you do, he loves you very much. I mean, c'mon, you're his MOMMY. Of course he loves you. I just wouldn't ask him to verbalize it because it's probably awkward for him.
My concern is that you write that you fight with him. Almost as if your fights were comprised of two equal people when it really should just be you, the adult, the mommy, laying down the law. No anger, no emotion. Just informing him of the way things should be. No arguing, no bargaining, no threats, no nagging. I know it's hard to stop the yelling (believe me, I'm working on this myself) But if you can find your own inside voice and try really hard to take the anger out of your words, things might start getting better.
Please don't take it seriously. He really loves you more than words can say. More than his words can say.
Good luck to you,
J.
I think these questions were too mature to be asking a 2-year-old. I always know in my heart when I have been unkind or over-reacted in anger to my child, and I always apologize. I work on my patience daily. I was confused why your son was at daycare if you are a SAHM. Maybe he needs more time with you, and to have more fun when you are together. With your husband being gone a lot, he probably misses daddy, and that is why he said he would like to be with daddy. But your questions were probably confusing. I would judge his feelings more by his behavior than his words. If he is affectionate and laughs with you and smiles a lot, I would not be too worried. Just work on your patience and your own behavior and attitude. You can mend whatever harm you may have caused in your relationship with your child in time. Blessings, R.
I completely agree with Pam R. Stop asking the question. Please do not expect your toddler to validate your mothering. it won't happen. Do the best job you can, and you'll be able to see the relationship growing well over time. I know how easy it is to be nervous about everything, but you want to be careful about what kind of patterns you get started. he'll learn very quickly that the "I love you" card really can be played with you.
Relax!
Awww, K.! Being a trucker's wife is hard. I'm in the same boat as you. My hubby is a truck driver too. Take three deep breaths...
I'm sure little Nolan loves you just as much as Daddy. I would bet anything, he is confusing his feelings of "love" for "miss". He misses Daddy. He doesn't miss you because you're with him all day every day. Same with the other people you ask him about. He misses them. I wouldn't read too much into it. You are his mommy. You hug him & kiss him & give him yummy lunches and sing to him. You play together and fight together and if he falls down & scrapes his knee, you're the one he comes to to make everything feel better. So, he shows you he loves you. He just doesn't know what he's saying yet.
I hope this helps. Us trucker's wives have to stick together. LOL!
A.
K.,
Relax I am sure you son Loves you if he didn't he wouldn't want to snuggle with you or anything like that.He misses his dad because of his job.Most kids don't understand the concept of Love.He sounds like he has only a Mommy most of the time and that is hard because he needs to miss you as well as your husband. It will all work out. Calm down and enjoy your baby boy.Discipline is good for him so keep up the good work. But talk to him don't lose your cool.
It's hard to stomach when your kids do stuff like this. I find myself just getting frustrated sometimes because it seems like the kids are "just trying to be difficult." Then I remember what we went through to have them, and sometimes they want the attention too.
Every night with my 5 year old (I deal with the oldest while my husband deals with the youngest), as she's getting ready to go to sleep, I tell her "You did a good job today" (no matter what she did that I didn't like) and will tell her all the things she did that I liked. "You did a good job helping me at the store, and I really liked it when you were nice to your sister. You did a great job picking up your toys and eating all your dinner too!"
The "find stuff they're doing right instead of focusing on the stuff they're doing that I don't like."
She'll say, "Thanks Mommy" or even "I love you too Mommy" after we talk about stuff.
Maybe there are some things you could put together that would help when daddy's not home - like a picture book that you can go through that has pictures of him and pictures of daddy, and pictures of them together playing or something. Let him know that it's okay to miss daddy when he's gone, and that you miss him too. Then plan special things for when Daddy's going to be home.
Just a few thoughts....
Good luck!
K., at that age they dont know what they say and how it makes people feel. They just look for the response you give them. If it is really bothering you and you are paying him more positive attention asking him over and over again, he likes that. My daughter is 4 and she tells me all the time that she wants another mommy. I told her that she really doesnt know that it means she would never see me again, when it did click, she was really upset because she didnt want me to go away. I think that it is a reaction/attention thing. I am sure you are a great mom!
Don't be too h*** o* yourself. At his age he really has no idea that what he says can hurt someone's feelings.
For quite a few months my four year old would not tell his dad he loved him. He would only say he loved me & his baby sister. His dad, grandparents, and other siblings only got, "I don't know if I love you." He refused to kiss his dad good buy or good night. He would tell his dad that he didn't like him enough to say I love you. Thankfully, my husband took it all in stride & would respond, "Well, I know I love you, bud." After a few months he started telling his dad he loved him out of the blue.
It's not surprising he'd rather be with his dad especially when he doesn't get to see his dad very often. I'm a SAHM of four (19 months to 7 1/2 years). My husband works nights. I'm the one left with the majority of the childcare & discipline. Ask anyone of my kids who they love more or who they'd rather spend time with & they'll say their dad. He's the fun one. I'm the boring one who makes them pick up their rooms, do their homework, brush their teeth, and quit fighting. He's the one who makes milkshakes, takes them out to play in the snow, wrestles on the floor with them, plays board games, and gets to be the "fun one."
It's a bummer sometimes, but I've learned to ignore some of the hurtful things they say (as long as they're not getting out of line or being flat out hateful) and relish the cuddling & the times they come to me for comfort.
God bless!
Hi K....
Its normal that a child does not tell mom or dad that he/she loves him/her or anyone. They might tell one but not the other. But they do little things..even the annoying bad ones...to let you know they love you. Like my 3year old. She gets in the cabinets and pulls out everything...she tried her hardest to mix certain things together...making a big mess...and you know..when I looked at her and her eyes filled with tears, cuz she thought she was gonna be in trouble....she told me that she was making me breakfast. I picked her up, getting her mess all over me...and hugged her. Than we sat down and played for a bit, and I told her that we'll make a real breakfast together...once all the annoying things are seeing past, and forgiveness sits there...it makes them feel more independent...and loved. So guess what, you'll start hearing those words a little more.
Discipline is NOT a bad thing. You may want to re-evaluate the ATTITUTE and/or VOICE with which you discipline. No one likes to be yelled at. Asking with a firm but softer voice prompts a better response and relationship than yelling. I'm NOT acusing you, I just don't know.
When kids get yelled at, they think you don't like them and are mean. I've been a teacher for decades, I know. I watched it over & over & over between teachers and kids and between kids and parents and coaches & kids.
TALK about why behavior is appropriate/inappropriate. How could he (or another child, if observed) have handled the situation differently. Make SURE you give "THANKS" where they are due and ask, YES at this age, for help with things like folding laundry, picking up, stirring something...etc. so that he feels he has value. DO NOT leave him out just because it will get done quicker or better. THAT'S NOT the point! Your relationship will be better for it!
just wait until nolan is a teenager and then you'll NEVER hear those words......... ok, so joking aside, i read through some of the other comments and my advice is simply this, just reassure him by saying "i love you" regardless what his verbal response is. and enjoy those precious moments when you do hear "i love you" back.
I know it is hard to be the main caregiver of a child and expect them to love you. At that moment, he probably didn't feel like he loved you. If I were you, I would not be asking a two year old if he loves you. I would tell him you love him and are proud of him a lot, but don't expect anything in return. You should also not take anything a 2 year old says to heart. It all depends on what their mood or feelings are at the moment. I feel that we are the adults and it is our job to give unconditional love and discipline. I try never to expect my children to love me, especially when I am disciplining them. I don't ever remember loving my Mom when she was telling me something I didn't want to hear until I got to be in my 30s:-) Try to step into his shoes and understand it from his point of view. It is hard being a Mom!!!
Keeping in mind everything the other 4 have said, try to be sure that you take enough "breaks" away and such that you have time to miss each other. Also, make sure the time you have together is not yelling and "fighting" all the time but has fun loving time where you just laught together.
Even at the end of punishing my son, when the punishment is complete, I simply say I love you. No ands, no buts just "I love you" and a kiss on the forehead.
Make a few rules that are important to you, inforce those rules, keep the discipline simple and to the point but also consistent. Take out the yelling and keep your calm. So for climing on the chair he has to sit in the chair for 2-3 minutes. If he gets up put him back, continue to do so until he is there for 2-3 minutes. No yelling, no talking, nothing when you place him back in the chair. As someone else said show no emotion. At the end of the 2-3 minutes, tell him what he did wrong and then say I love you. THEN let that punishment go. Don't hold it against him for the rest of the day. He has served his time and he gets to start over with a fresh plate now.
You are a wonderful mom! You are doing the best you can and will continue to improve and do only better as you learn what works with your child and for you both. :) Just say I love you a lot to him: When he gets up, when you change his diaper, when you are doing eating breakfast and wipe off his mouth, when you lay him down for a nap, when he gets up. He will know he is loved. It's hard to be the "bad" guy all the time but hang in there!
You may remember when you were young and in school and how kids can just be mean. Well, when your the disciplinarian and your husband is gone all the time you kids may just think your mean. I bet when your husband is home he plays with your son alot. But he snuggles with you and such, I wouldn't worry about it at this age. Sometimes kids don't realize they love their parent until they're grown. It's not a easy job raising kids and they have always called it the trying 3's. The best thing to do is take a breath when he's pushing your buttons but don't give in just because you want him to love you. He does love you, he just doesn't know it yet.
My take on this situation is, stop asking that question. If he didn't love you he wouldn't snuggle, hug, or kiss you.
Naturally he says loves daddy best, daddy is not a constant presence, he is like a treat! You are the constant in his life, I imagine daddy does little to no reprimanding in his life. You are his security, the one constant, and believe it or not even a three year old knows what buttons to push to get to a person. They are, in fact, the experts at getting a reaction. By not telling you he loves you when you want to hear it so badly he has control over something in his life and he loves to be in control of something. Stop asking him, he is a boy, just know he loves you and get on with your life. Don't stop saying you love him, just never again ask him to tell you he loves you. You know in your heart he does, accept it and move on.
