So Marriage Counseling

it really worked for us. but we were in more of a sad and lonely place than an angry fighting one.
i'm so sorry you've been pushed so far.
i'd give 'er a good try anyway. if you find a good counselor it won't be a waste of money. you'll probably have at least the satisfaction of knowing that it really IS time to end it, or get some tools from the counseling that you can use in your own life even if it doesn't help you with this relationship now.
but it just might.
try it.
good luck!
khairete
S.

It absolutely DOES work. My husband and I have seen three different counselors. The most recent one was last year, and we saw her for about six months. It was very hard work, but I can't begin to tell you how it saved our marriage. Your husband sounds a lot like my husband used to be before counseling. Through counseling, he developed the ability to give his feelings a voice, instead of punishing me because he didn't know how to (which translated to him feeling unloved because I didn' tknow he was having a feeling).

Anyway, keep an open mind. This is your marriage we're talking about. It's worth trying to save.

Prayers for you!

Counseling works if you work at it. The goal isn't always to save the marriage but to have each person feel that they can be heard and can get some insight. If people could fix these marriages themselves, there would be no counselors. If people could fix all their issues (childhood, whatever), then there would be no therapists and no psychologists. It's kind of like saying, "If I can't get better by myself, then why should I go to the doctor because that won't work either?" Or "if I can't fix my car myself, maybe I should just junk it and not spend the money on a mechanic."

A lot of medical insurance plans have a therapy provision, and you can ask your primary care doctor for a referral to a counselor who accepts your insurance. A good counselor will help you work on your anger and feel that you are being heard (you aren't feeling that way now). If you can fix the marriage, good. You are very different people, and maybe there are some communication skills you could both learn. If the marriage cannot be saved after some decent interval, you can get some great help in clarifying your decision and in making the separation/divorce easier. And at least you will know that you tried. You really don't want to go through life feeling this much anger and this much hatred, and you need a place to vent it and maybe figure out what you need and how to get it in the future, with him or without him.

Just are you are venting here, you can vent and gain some help, support and insight through counseling. It won't be a waste if you don't view it ONLY as a method to save your marriage when maybe it's not salvageable.

Good luck.

You really need to be honest with yourself.
Search your heart.

Marriage counseling is just like any other goal.
Deciding if you want to graduate from college, how hard are you willing to work?
Losing weight, what are you willing to do? How far would you go?
Fighting a major disease? Willing to try anything, or know your limits?

There are no right or wrong answers, it is totally up to you.

My husband and I years ago were done. We just could not continue being married to each other another moment.

We were exhausted, and sick of each other.

We were encouraged to just try marriage counseling.. We really did not ant to did not have the energy.. And sure enough after the second session decided we are done.

We sat down and started planning how we would break everything apart. Divide everything, tell every one.. etc.. after about 2 hours of this, we realized, we had not argued, had not yelled, had not attacked each other.. We had learned to speak with each other and really listen to the other.

And so we decided to give our marriage a few more weeks. Then a few more months.. It has now been 29 years since then and even though he gets on my last nerve sometimes.. And I am not a prize myself. We love respect and want each other to be happy.

We are not climbing all over each other all of the time, but we are very much in love and want the best for the other.

So yes, Counseling can help and it may not be the way you expect, but if you are at least putting the effort to even try, at least you will be able to say, we tried everything, even marriage counseling and everything that the therapist suggested even if it does not work out.

Yes, it works. From experience, we were on the literal brink of divorce and marriage counseling worked. I went into it very grudgingly even though I had no trouble going to individual counseling. It was the best thing we ever did.

It helps you learn to communicate with each other. It's a safe place to discuss difficult topics that are hot button issues at home. It's also a safe place to work issues out to the point of deciding if you should stay together or not. Therapy isn't about telling each other what's wrong with each other and fixing that. Good therapists don't take sides. Marriage counseling doesn't necessarily mean that the end result of the therapy is going to be "staying married." You may find with the therapy that the best thing really is to separate. But you need the process and time to figure it out rather than making a rash decision based on one fight that upset you.

Attending therapy isn't a failure. Trying to work it out all on your own isn't some claim of success. Whatever it takes to fix things one way or another is what makes your attempts a success. But if you (general you, not specifically you) decide early on that therapy is a sign of defeat, then that's an incorrect view.

So I say if your husband won't go, then you can go on your own and make sure he knows he's welcome to go with you. Keep going and invite him each time.

Counseling does work IF and ONLY IF both people want it to work. It doesn't sound like you want it to work because you admitted you won't give your all. It's a hard road to take, but I believe it's beneficial.

My husband and I went years ago and it put a band-aid on our issues, so we are back in it now. We are making progress and we've only been two times so far. It's difficult to hear some things and to answer some things, but if we both can't be 100% honest in that room, why even try?

So I think any marriage can work if BOTH people want it to. When one person doesn't , that's when it fails.

Yes, it can definitely work.
It helped save our marriage.
We tried a few counselors before we found a good one we liked!
It helps to have a professional lead you to discover the real issue, get help to get over & resolve deep seated problems from our childhood.
They give you tools to help you get past the anger & hurt feelings to actually finding a resolution & how to communicate in the future.
It's worth it. Every single person on this planet brings issues into a relationship from their childhood.
Wether they can admit or not is a different thing.
Counseling isn't a failure.
Throwing away something that can possibly be saved is failure.
If he won't go WITH you, go on your own.
While most men have difficulty expressing their feelings & talking, women can beat a dead horse.
A prof counselor gives you a safe, professional environment to talk w/him or her leading the discussion. They steer you away from "flogging your mate" & actually get you to productive.
We went through a couple of counselors before finding a competent one.
In my experience, men are more willing to speak in this environment than on their own at home.
Hang in there. You can do it. I have faith that you can get through this.
Wishing you all the best!

Marriage counseling worked for us.

My wife had some issues with some things she was taught all her lifeabout husbands, men, marriage, that just weren't true. We tried several marriage counselors before we found an actual marriage counselor. (A lot of people open up offices saying they are marriage counselors when they are actually divorce counselors.)

When we got an actual marriage counselor that wanted to heal our marriage, we made good progress.

He who carries a grudge carries the biggest burden.

You didn't mention or hint at what the problem is, so I hope you and he can get some help where you both can actually talk to and work this out.

Good luck to you and yours.

I think that if both people are COMPLETELY committed to the marriage and COMPLETELY give couseling everything they have it can work. Completely means letting go of all the hurt and resentment. It can help you learn to fight fair (so he doesn't jab and jab until you break).
Marriage couseling helped us when my ex was committed to it, but once he checked out it was over. From what I understand from talking with a lot of people is that is very common - where one is committed and the other isn't or doesn't believe in it.
Good luck!

Yes it works. It has been more than 5 years since I found out that my husband had cheated on me. That actually wasn't even the worst of it - that was the tip of the iceberg of a mountain of lies, hidden truths and mental health issues that nearly destroyed our marriage. Things aren't perfect now but we've come a very long way. We've seen 4 different counselors over the years. None has been a perfect fit but each was helpful in working through certain areas and then something else would come up and we'd find someone to better tackle the next thing. We've both done individual counseling and family counseling as well.

You need to ask yourselves if the marriage means enough to you to save. "Failure" is doing nothing. Of course if you do nothing to save it it will crumble. It sounds like you need intervention. This is like whether or not to have a life saving operation or not: again, if you do nothing it's likely to die, but if you at least do SOMEthing, there's a chance it will survive.

I'm widowed. But years ago when I suggested counselling, his response was 'oh they're only going to say this or that'. Like he knew already what a counselor would say, thus defeating the willingness to go. It's already a failure.
Then some years later, he was the one to suggest counseling. Wow! Now he thinks we need it. But whereas I wanted someone we didn't know, in order to have a neutral aspect from the get go, he wanted someone we knew, like a pastor. We never made it to counseling. It would've then been whose pastor, since we went to different churches. At one point he said he was ready to make a commitment. ??? After 26 years he now decides that? What were all the earlier years about? I thought it was cheesy to announce that. As if O now he's ready to commit, and everything will be peachy keen? He had very unrealistic takes on relationships. I told him once he sucked at relationships and he agreed. So one had to wonder what there was to save.
Before impending widowhood came knocking, I just wanted out. Enough. We're both unhappy, why continue. His view was that he wasn't a quitter. ???? He'd have been fine with not paying support and being miserable because it was just not there anymore. We did manage to make some peace before he passed away. But things discovered since have made me really angry and feeling incapable of forgiving.
So I hope you have a more stable relationship that's worth saving.

I think if you could convince yourself that you need to go to counseling and give it your all for the kids, that just maybe you would be more open to this and it could work. Just try and give it your all, you owe it to your kids.

Sorry you're in this situation. Mine wouldn't go to counseling because "he didn't have a problem, I did". So, I went by myself. First, trying to see what I could do to make it work (not accepting for a long time that it wasn't me with the problem), then to help me just figure out what it was I needed to do...which in my case was to be done with the whole thing and I couldn't be happier. So...I'd suggest you go by yourself first, find someone you like (not always the first person you go to but your insurance may cover some of it) and start by just figuring out where YOU are really at.
Good luck and make sure you take care of yourself, no matter what's going on!

If he is the one working through childhood stuff perhaps he should see a therapist for that. I mean look at it through his point of view he can't figure out how to work through this stuff and by adding marriage counselor you are adding a new problem.

So tell him you understand how hard it is to work through stuff and you are not qualified to help him so you would love it if he found someone who is qualified. Hell if you are in a good mood tell him you don't want him beating himself up just because you can't help, love him, all that positive stuff.

View from the other side... after 6 years of marriage my ex and I went to counseling. Ex was an habitual pot smoker (1st thing in am, last thing at night and any time in between), and counselor stated i needed to decide how long i could continue to live with it and ex needed to decide if the smoking was more important than our marriage. Ex stated he wasn't ready to give up smoking - I was understandably devastated. The next day ex made an appointment with NarcAnon but the counselors view was that we should just split up - not what either of us was looking for! We struggled along for another 6 months without the counselor and then we divorced.

Maybe we got a bad counselor so be aware they are out there. Good luck with whatever you do.

Marriage counseling worked for my husband and I. I was in such a bad physical and emotional state and we are together, because he wanted the counseling. Thank goodness! We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in April.

Marriage is for better or worse. Think about why you two got married and what made you two love each other.

I think all couples need marriage counseling at one point or another. It's called life. Giving up is not the answer. Giving it your all is the answer.

The way the counseling worked for us is, the first visit was with my husband and I. The next few sessions were individual and then the last session was with both of us. Sometimes we need to work things out way before we met our spouse and thats where some of the problem may lie.

Forgiveness is the key to any relationship.

Many blessings.

I have not done marriage counseling; but I have done counseling for myself and my issues. I have said many times, I don't know how someone makes forward progress without help. Especially in a marriage, I believe you need that person who can ask the really tough questions, that need to be asked AND answered and only an outsider, professional person can do that - it can be either of, your mother in law, a girlfriend or his brother. I encourage you to care enough to jump in with both feet and an open mind and a desire to save and strengthen whats yours. Marriage is so worth it.