Should I Feel Guilty?

Ok hopefully nobody gets offended by what I say. I am pretty much up front and tell it like it is.

First off, should you feel guilty? Depends on if you are *really* doing something wrong.

Sounds like there are a lot of things lacking in your marriage. Trust and respect are two that I am reading here.

Your husband cheated on you in the past. You cheated to get back at him. You lost the trust when he deceived you. He obviously holds no respect for you or your marriage if he has cheated not once but we are maybe seeing another time here.

How? Why? Because if he is talking to women online and telling them he is divorced or separated then he is not being truthful to you, your marriage, himself and the other person. More deception there.

You too are talking to other men on the phone that you meet online. Some friendly, one person is on more than friendly terms.

Love - if you both loved eachother very much neither one of you would be on the phone with other people, possibly entertaining the thought of straying, etc. I cannot say that your marriage can be saved or cannot. I am not a marriage counsellor, etc. But by reading this I think that maybe the two of you need to work on the issues at hand.

What issues? Why would your husband be deceiving you, behind your back, calling women and telling them that he is not married? Maybe he doesn't want to be married anymore and this is his way of letting you know? Maybe he is not man enough to just come out and say it. Men do things like that. Leave little clues and expect women to piece it together and take the hint.

I can also speak from personal experience where my husband did the same thing. Met women online, chatted and then started with the phone calls. How did it all end - we are on friendly terms, have two children and one on the way. The one on the way happened before I found out. I will no doubt be filing for divorce and that is of my choosing. If I cannot fully trust someone to be upfront, not lie nor deceive then it's not for me.

It also has to do with respect. If they do it once the odds of them doing it again are even greater. If you are afraid because you have children - then that is no way to live.

I have six children, one on the way and I will glaldy hold my own, be dependent and say the heck with a lying, cheating, deceiving person. I have found it to be so much easier to be a 'single' parent and show my children that lying, cheating, deception and lack of respect get you nowhere. Also, why have to worry that the 'talking' might turn sexual and be exposed to STD's, etc. There is much more at risk and a much bigger picture.

But to feel guilty for talking on the phone to people you met online. No. If there are other feelings - be truthful to yourself. As far as your husband - if it were me I'd show him the door and say thanks but no thanks. You must protect YOU. You have three children that need you. You don't need things to progress and expose yourself to possible STD's which could be deadly.

Sorry to have rambled on and if I offended anyone in any way I am sorry for that as well.

Good luck!

I completely 100% agree with Helen Q.
I am sorry that this marriage is not secure anymore.Or was it ever? Why should you feel guilty?Are you guilty?
I cant imagine being in this situation, feeling what you are, dealing with storm, when you could have a rainbow. Love is so important. Currently, I stand behind .... Love is choice, first and foremost. Sure, there are those that you feel more inclines to love, but, ultimately its a choice.

Love has to be one of the most perplexing problems I have ever tried to wrap my mind around. I think the "love" described in fairy tales is not love at all.

I concede that I am limited in perspective. What I began to look at was the traditional wedding vows that are taken in the United States. The majority of the vows talk about love, but describe commitment. I equate love with commitment. For many, this doesn't work. Many want to believe that love is an emotion. I, however, do not. I believe that love is a choice.

I was told by some counselor that no one can control his or her emotions, but we can control the manner in which we react to them. When I want to punch someone that I "love", is that love? No. But, I can choose to be loving. So far as I can figure, I cannot pick and choose my emotions, but I can pick and choose how I act. How I act is what defines whether I love someone or not. Since how I act is the gauge of love, how I feel has nothing to do with it. If how I feel has nothing to do with it, then love cannot be how I feel. Therefore, I do not believe that love is an emotion. It is an action.

By committing to someone else all that you are, you are not necessarily surrendering who you are. For many, these two things are not mutually exclusive, but I say that they are. You choose to commit to someone. You choose to give up who you are. Or, not. It is always a choice.

You can feel very intense emotions for someone, and never act lovingly towards them. Is that love? I say not. Love is what you do, not what you feel. When you act in someone's best interest, you are acting in a loving manner, regardless of how you feel. When you act in some other way, you are acting in some other manner than loving.

It seems to me that love is simple. Well, until you go into some multivariable form of it. Add a partner, a friend, a sibling, a child, a parent. The simplicity of love falls away. Now there seems to be this complex web or something. But, commitment is still where it lies.

I don't know how clear I am articulating my thoughts, but I hope it makes some sort of sense.

...If you can accept that you are who you are, that you feel what you feel, that you have done what you have done - if you can accept it whether you like all of it or not - then you can accept yourself. Can you accept your shortcomings, your self-doubts, your poor self-esteem. And when you can accept all that, you then have put yourself on the side of reality rather than attempting to fight reality. you can no longer twist your consciousness in knots to maintain delusions about your present condition. And so its time to clear the road for the first step of strengthening that self-esteem...
So long as you cannot accept the fact of what you are at any given moment of your existence, so long as you cannot permit yourself fully to be aware of the nature of your choices and actions, cannot admit the truth in our consciousness, you cannot change. I am sorry if I offened anyone, and that it is so long.

Honestly Jenna?
Sounds like you don't have a marraige. They're built on trust which neither one of you has & you're supposed to be a team, which you're not. I would try to re-evaluate what each of you is getting out of & putting into this relationship. It shouldn't really be a matter of "if he gets to do it then so do I". Neither of you should be, you both know you're wrong & you're both doing it anyway. You have feelings for someone else, whether you've followed through on them or not, when you don't have much of a connection with the man you're supposed to, then what's to stop you? Sounds like your husband is doing precisely the same thing. Try counseling maybe, or a separation to see if you even want to be with each other. That would be my honest advice. I know for such a huge subject & a fairly short answer, but from what it sounds like, it's pretty cut & dry.

In all fairness to your relationship, I think you and your husband need to decide if you are on the same page. Maybe the both of you are not satisfied, and need to reevaluate everything. I think that if you were happy 100%, you wouldn't have to talk to anyone else. The men that you are talking to are just going to see how far you are willing to go. They are not concerned with you being married, that is your job. I think that the both of you only need to be concerned with your children and building your relationship. But how can you build your relationship spending so much time talking to ither people, and cheating?

I think I might offend more than just Jenna with my opinion, so I will apologize ahead of time.

You ARE doing something wrong, whatever your intentions are...you are doing something wrong by talking to them and corresponding to them online. I am sure these men are filling a void left by your husband, and vise versa. Soif your marriage means anything to either of you, you should be spending your phone and online time working on trying to build up your relationship instead of tearing it apart. You've both already hurt each other enough, plus you owe it to your children to show them this is NOT a healthy relationship for mommy and daddy to be "talking" to other men and women.

I am not judging you or your husband, we all make mistakes, just take them time to learn from them and move on and up, not repeat.

Yes. He should too. If you are in this for the long haul, you both need to fess up and then STOP cheating. Even talking to the opposite sex is cheating, because the third party is filling a void in your life that your spouse needs to learn to fill.

Please read or borrow from the library and read or listen together to "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is a great book about learning the others emotional needs and what makes you and them feel loved and why you may be disconnected and unhappy.

I have to go answer a bed time call from my 4 year old. Please let me know if you want/need more info.

B.

It sounds like to me he don't want to be married anymore & he don't take your relationship seriously. I admit in the past with ex boyfriends I cheated when I found out they did, but it didnt solve nothing in the end. I would file for divorce if I were you. Give him the option of councelling & let him know that you know what he's doing & saying behind your back. If he deneys it, then tell him that you want a divorce. Don't go any further too with that other man you talk to until you know what your doing about your marriage. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. I wish you the best. Good luck in whatever you choose.

The bottom line is, neither of you should "get to do it." Not if you both want to stay married to each other and have a good marriage. You didn't say whether your husband knows that you know about his cell phone/online activities, but you say you both have cheated in the past. You guys need to be able to trust each other and to remain faithful to each other if you want to stay married--for either of you to seek out other people is not going to help whatever problems you have in your marriage. If you can, seek counseling together. If you can't do that, you still need to agree to be faithful to each other and then do it. If one of you is not willing to do that, then you need to decide on the ramifications of that decision on your marriage. I hope you guys can discuss this situation honestly with each other. Good luck!

Hi Jenna,
I hope you have taken time to read over the responses - lots of honesty for sure. I just attended an incredible marriage series - that I think you would find very helpful. You can download the talks in MP3 format or listen to them on-line. If you truly want help for you & your marriage, email me and I'll gladly send you the links.

God bless you.
~A.

Hey Jenna,
How are you? It doesn't sound like you are doing to well. Well, you asked for honesty and that is all I am about is being honest so here goes. Sometimes the truth hurts. First off you have to know that it is possible for you and your husband to love eachother and have great sex together but still not be in love with eachother. That sounds like your situation to me. Unfortunately it is not a good one. You did not mention the age of your sons at this time but regardless of age kids are not dumb and do pick up on things. This is not a healthy way for any of you to be living. This is teaching the boys that a loving relationship is something that can be taken for granted and that is not so. Also as for yourself and husband it is not good mentally or physically for either of you. I would seriously consider counseling together or divorce. Speaking to members of the opposite sex for either of you is not a good thing. Maybe you both should give up on the computer and try to focus on you as a couple. If that can not be done then maybe life as you both knew or know it should be over. Best of luck. Let me know how you make out. Take care
I. G.

YOU SHOULDNT FEEL GUILTY UNLESS YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG. AND I THINK YOUR RIGHT IF HE IS TALKING TO OTHER FEMALES ON THE PHONE THEN YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK TO OTHER MEN. YOU SAID THEY KNOW YOUR MARRIED AT LEAST YOUR BEING HONEST AND NOT LYING LIKE YOUR HUSBAND. HE SHOULDNT BE TELLING OTHER WOMEN THAT HE IS DIVORCED OR SEPARATED.. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU BOTH WANT OTHER PEOPLE BUT WANT TO STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
ALOT OF PEOPLE NOWADAYS HAVE OPEN RELATIONSHIPS .. WHERE THEY ARE MARRIED TO ONE PERSON BUT HAVE OTHER PARTNERS TOO. I HONESTLY DONT AGREE WITH THIS .. FOR ONE CAUSE OF DISEASES YOU COULD CATCH AND TAKE BACK TO YOUR HUBBY. OR VISE VERSA . BUT MAYBE ITS SOMETHING YOU AND HUBBY SHOULD TALK ABOUT . I HAVE ONE QUESTION HOW CAN HE BE JEALOUS OF YOU TALKING TO OTHER MEN WHEN HE TALKS TO OTHER FEMALES AND LIES ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP STATUS??? CAN I SAY HYPOCRIT
IF YOU DONT WANT AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP THAN YOU BOTH NEED TO CUT TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE OUT OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS MORE THAN LIKLEY GOING TO END.

I think you already know how you are feeling about all this.Two wrongs don't make it right. Have you considered marriage counseling? You are both heading for some pain. Why do you need outside stimulation? Been with my husband a long time almost 12 yrs and as boring as things get sometimes and as dull our relationship may be at certain times....I would not look elsewhere , that only turns out bad .There's a reason both of you do this ........you need to find out why. Good Luck

I am very familiar with "chatting" and have been involved in various "mediums" for 10 years (IRC, ICQ, Yahoo, MSN and dating sites) Most of the time who you talk to or chat with when you actually meet them is not who you think they are. People are big into BS online. I think that is one of the attractions. You can be someone that you think you would like to be and no one knows the difference. Role playing if you will.
If you and your husband are both doing this either you need to decide if it is unhealthy or if this is a "lifestyle" and by lifestyle I mean that you need to be upfront with each other and let each other know with whom you are chatting and if you plan on meeting anyone. This may not make sense to some of you but there a lot of couples out there who do this ie "swing". Maybe you and your husband do not intend to go that far. If that is not for you, then you need to communicate better and seek counselling to do it.

ok i am very liberal but i am going to tell you my exact thoughts.

you have a few options.........1. get divorced because there obviously is not ANY trust between you two
2. if you two REALLY love eachother like you say you do (and you must find out if it is him that also still loves you) get some counselling and try to work things out so you two can FULLY commit to each other and work towards earning each others trust........if you can't trust your hubby, who can you trust.
3. Once you establish trust you could always just have an open relationship.......but for those to work you NEED trust........

This is crazy....he cheats on you and you talk to guys on the phone. And you wonder why you can't do it but he can. Are both of you in high school or are you adults.If you guys are adults then that is not a good marriage. You say that you love him...Actions speak louder then words. Stop and think how both of you are hurting each other. Stop talking to guys and demand him not to chat online. You have each other to do that with. Grow up and be adults in your marriage. You guys have 3 sons...Do you want them to grow up to be like both of you...NOT!! Go to a marriage counselor or communicate more with each other. You are raising kids and they deserve better....God Bless.

Can't really add much to what people have said other than you guys have some serious maturity issues. First thing you need to do is get into some counseling to find out how it is that you think that being in a marriage like...like...like THAT...is normal. And okay.

In case you're wondering -- of course you should feel guilty for seeking out and talking to men like that. Of course you have a problem when you and your husband play horrible nasty games like this with each other. Of course this is having a bad effect on your children.

Take the first step, drag your husband into counseling. If he won't go, go yourself. And be honest.

jenna, i don't agree with talking to other men, esp. since there is the possibility of things going too far from your or husband's part.
the thing is, sounds like you are not getting a lot of happiness out of marriage. theere's no shame in this. people sometimes grow apart or get bored in marriage and seek thrill elsewhere. this is the point where you and your husband should make a decision, either make it work between you two or go separate ways.
sorry you're going through this
vlora

To be honest, it sounds like you and your husband are made for each other. But for your sons' sake, you should both think about your actions (this is not normal behavior) and decide if your relationship is worth making a commitment to and moving forward, or if you would be better off apart.

You are playing with fire. Two wrongs...looks like both of you have your priorities in the wrong order. Cheating on him as a "payback" makes you as guilty as if you were to have done it first. I would leave him just on the sheer fact that he continues to talk to other women. He should leave you because you are talking to other men. Cheaters should pay for their actions. Have more respect for yourself! It's women like you that make women like me pay for your mistakes. Once a cheater...always a cheater. There is no excuse and it will always be wrong! You both deserve what you get!

Hi Jenna,
it sounds like you are wanting to find a way to get your needs met, that may be outside of what is acceptable inside a marriage. If you want to make friends on line maybe stick with female friends. If your intent is to meet men, well then that is a whole different story. How did you resolve the damage done to your marriage that resulted from the affairs? And if he's talking and misleading other woman maybe it's time to get some outside help. like a pastor or marriage councilor. I'm sorry to hear of your trouble. good luck let me know how it goes.

Jenna I think that this relationship sounds like it is in danger! I don't mean to sound harsh, but you asked people to be honest! First of all, once you found out that your husband cheated on you (which I imagine was the hardest thing you ever had to hear), you made the decision to stay with him. So, if you made that choice willingly, then you should have forgiven him and moved on...not cheated on him as a way of "getting back at him". If you can't forgive someone, then you should just leave rather than brood with anger and revenge! Secondly, if you feel for someone that you are talking to "more than just friends", then I think you should leave your husband. Honestly, do you really love HIM or do you just love the idea of being in love? If you aren't commited and neither is he, which by the way...he isn't because he lies about his marital status...then get out of this before you become enemies and grow to hate one another. However, if you want to "repair" this marriage, then you both need to seek proffesional help. I think marriage counseling might be a good idea, but that's assuming your hearts are still in this until "death do you part"!!! I wish you lots of luck, and through it all, remember your kids and keep your morals. Don't you want them to see you and your husband as people they can look up to? They won't do that if you two become dishonest, and have no value for family! Do what's in your heart, and what's best for your children:)

Not a good isea if you want a happy marriage. Do you want your hubby talking on the phone to woman he meets online? This is a no brainer, if you want to be with your hubby why are you chatting with these guys? This is something you need to look into yourself to answer and end these "friendships"

I would say ~ yes. Most definately. If you truly love your husband and he truly loves you... first there would be no cheating...at all (and whether it's physical or just communication...if you and/or he is involved with someone else...it's cheating). As one who has dealt with a cheating husband, it started with phone calls. One thing led to another and WHAM... my life was shattered. It sounds like the two of you should consider some counseling to figure out why you are both talking to other men/women instead of each other.

hi jenna,
am going to be honest with you. i think both of you should not being doing this at all. your married and you are having feeling for another man and your husband is wrong for telling woman that he is divorced or seperated. you and your husband are disrespecting each other. if he is saying these things to other woman he is not respecting you. he is acting as if he is single and trying to be with other woman. if he cheated on you already what makes you think by him telling these woman that he is not married that he not thinking about doing it again?

Honestly, you're both wrong. Expecially with your past infidelities neither one of you should be talking to anyone you meet online on the phone.

This is not a situation of if he gets to do it then I should be able to as well. That's silly and childish. This is a grown up relationship. This is a game you two are playing and in a grown up relationship you shouldn't play those games.

One poster spoke of having an open relationship. I'm sorry but that's bunk. You're married. That means that this is the preson that is essentially your other half. If you this person is not fulfilling your needs or he feels he has to sleep around to get what he needs then you don't need to be in that relationship.

If nothing else you should be thinking about your kids. They are learning that this is an approbriate way to run a relationship. Do you want your sons to think it's ok to treat women that way?

I'm going to be honest. I'm not seeing much hope for this thing. There's already been way to much deciet to really trust eachother again. Try some consuling but really this is a bad deal for everyone involoved.

It sounds like you are very busy. From someone had been in a relationship with a jealous man nothing you do is right and every thing you try to do is wrong don't feel guilty because there is nothing to feel guilty about do what you think is the best thing for you (to stay or not to stay) (do you love him anymore or not) things you have to figure out and then just go with your gut. I know habbits are hard to brake but all your husband is is a bad habbit take control of your own destany. I hope I helped LIZ