Rasing Your Partents at Age 30.... - Bloomer,WI

How about next time they ask for money, ask them what they need it for. If they tell you it's for groceries or medication, then go pay for the medication or pick the groceries up instead of handing them the cash. If they say they want to buy your neices and nephews presents, say no, you need your money to take care of your own children. Or, if you can't afford to give them any money, tell them so.
It is not their responsibility to buy stuff for your brother's children, it's his.

I agree with the other responses. Even though they are on a low income, they seem to be doing okay if they can spend their money on their grandchildren. I would stop giving them money for now. Have you talked to your siblings about the situation, do they know your parents financial situation, do they know that you help your parents financially?

Your parents are adults. They are responsible for their own behavior and finances. In my opinion they are taking advantage of you. As their daughter you can certainly listen to their issues and emphathize, but as far as money goes, I would just tell them "NO."

Good luck.

Hey B. - I too have felt similar things about my parents and siblings.

My thought is you need to be honest with your parents, that their behaviors hurt you and you want them to stop (lying, using your money to buy your brother's kids things rather than pay for rent). They may or may not change, so prepare yourself for that disappointment.

But you also need to stop your own behaviors that are allowing your parents to hurt you. If you don't want them spending the "rent money" on kids' gifts, either stop giving them rent money, or pay the landlord directly. I have been disgusted in the past with how family spends my "gifts" and have had to change my view on what it is - if it's truly a gift, they can spend it anyway they want to. If you are only comfortable giving them money for rent, make sure it gets paid toward rent.

Good luck.

Stop paying your parents bills. It would be different to help them if they honestly did not have the money for medical,rent or utilities. I would be all for it then. Basically right now you are helping to spoil your neices and nephews, while your kids are not getting the same.

Sorry to be so blunt, but your parents are adults. They seem to be dependent on you! You are not responsible for the decisions that your parents make and you should remind them of that. Keep in mind that you are not a bank and in today's economy we all need to be very frugal with our money. DON'T PAY FOR THEIR MONTHLY BILLS UNLESS YOU PLAN ON DOING THIS FOREVER. Give them gifts on their birthdays and holidays and let them decide how they spend it. If they want to spend time with your sibling and his kids that's their prerogative.
An alternative may be to talk with the siblings to get everyone on the same page... if that's possible!
Also, double check that they are receiving all of the local benefits they are eligible for, such as food stamps and supplemental assistance.

I am the younger sister in this situation and it is HARD we all try to put in our help but than we puttin stress on our familys....but how can you just say no to your parents when they are suppose to be helping you and giving you advice.....we desprately need advice on this....

I dont want to have to say this but you have to stop babying your parents. I have been going through a similar situation not with my parents but with another family member, but if they know they can always count on you to pay the bills they will waste away the extra money on things that are not needed. It will be a hard thing to do but you have to at least scale back the assistance if not cut it off completely. You are a good daughter for wanting to help, but if they can not respect you enough to tell you the truth then they are being bad parents and you need to let them realize that they are taking advantage of you. I hope all work out well for you.

The only way to change behavior is to not enable behavior. As long as you play her game it will continue and when you say no more and take care of you and yours you may just find some peace. You have to find the balance as to what is helping them survive and what is playing their game. Figure out your boundaries. Tough to do, especially with parents, but possible.

You are the only one that can stop this aweful circle. Stop paying for them and talk to your siblings in a private meeting about what is going on. Make a plan that you all feel comfortable with and can commit to sticking too. for your own sanity and that of your family stop now.

Your situation sounds really rotten. It sounds to me like your parents need to do some inner healing/realization over some issue before they'll treat you and your family right (it sounds like they are blatantly using you!). Unfortunately, only they can start that process.

If I were in your shoes (I too have had parental type issues in the past), I would not give them another dollar (as this is enabling their current behavior). You may want to talk to them briefly to let them know why you are changing your behavior toward them.

Their behavior sounds toxic to me, and I have personally cut out a toxic parental from my life. I don't want that person around my children, because what are they (and I) teaching them about how to treat people. So you may want to consider limiting your (and your family's) visits with them. From what you describe, they've done that themselves already in preference for your older brother's family.

Good luck deciding on your course of action. It's not going to be easy any way you cut it.

This is a really tough situation, but you are ultimately enabling them. I was in a very similar situation with a relative (not my parents). I was constantly being tapped for rent money, money for prescription meds, money for groceries, I was once even stiffed with an $80 restaurant bill when this relative was supposed to be picking up most of it. However, this person often had money for DVDs, eating out, and so on.

You have to just STOP loaning them money. They need to learn to live within their budget. It's hard, and it's going to cause friction in the family (at least temporarily), but the situation will only change if you change your behavior.

You can't control if your other siblings give them money, but you can pull yourself out of the situation. It sounds like there is a lot of unhealthy stuff going on, with the lying, too. I am not being judgmental--my family has its own issues, too--but you have to create healthy boundaries for yourself.

Just keep telling your mom "no" when she asks for money. You might surprised at how quickly she realizes you are serious, so long as you consistently say "no". My relative caught on pretty quickly and moved on to mooching other people.

My husband and I went through this for years with my in-laws. They lied to my husband and his brother telling them different stories. We spent years enabling their spending behavior and then we finally got smart. We set up boundries around the situation. We didn't give them any cash. If we helped them pay for something then we paid for it directly. My father-in-law used to go to the bank and hoard his $800. from social security and then had my mother-in-law pay all the bills on her $400. income. When we finally had to take control and take away the check books my mother-in-law had $3000. worth of overdrawn bank fees alone. That didn't include the overdrawn amount. When I spoke with the bank the man said he felt sorry for her and so the bank would pay the overdrawn check and then charge them $30.00 fee for each transaction. Yeah, they were really helping out huh???
I don't mean to be disrespectful to your parents, but people like this will take advantage of you as long as you let them. You have to exercise tough love.
I would let your older brother (the favored one) know what you've been doing to help out your parents and that they have been hurtful toward you. I would let all your siblings know that you're not going to let them do this to you. You need to protect you and your child from getting hurt. This is very sad to have to be this way toward our parents, but it is necessary. If I were in your situation I would tell your siblings how much you will be involved. Like maybe set one day a week to go visit as a family and spend time with them. I would cut off all cash going to your parents. They will NOT learn to get ahead. Say that over and over and over to yourself. As much as you try to teach them to budget and not overspend, it WON'T work!!! We tried and tried this with my in-laws and it was fruitless. They have always overspent and never budgeted anything and they certainly weren't going to change their ways after all these years.
You need to find a balance with you parents that you can LOVE them, but NOT enable them. This is so very hard to do!!! You must never abandon them, either. They are your parents and they do need you. I would set boundries and let all know and then follow them. You will be happy and so will your parents. They will learn to respect you for this. It will be hard at first, but they will get it.

I will keep you in my prayers!

B. - you are telling the wrong people. Although I feel your pain and can hear your hurt ... you need to say those exact words to your mother and your father. Things won't get better if the person doesn't know how you are feeling AND that you refuse to be their doormat any longer.

Tell your mother from now on if she needs money - to ask the older brother because you are tapped out!
Best of luck,
D.

wow....thats really to bad....but for your mom to lie about your dad like that-is just point blank wrong!!!....i would cut off all cash flow....shes old enuff to know better..but you have your own family to take care of...sounds like shes just taking your kindness for weakness...not to mention guilt.i would just say you cant afford to pay anymore rent or bills for her,make her lean on the other kids.right is right wrong is wrong...and this is clearly wrong.....make her lean on others...take her hand out of your pocket...just say no....good luck

I agree with what everyone has said on here but I also want to throw it back in your court. I'm finding it much easier with these kinds of situations if I think about what I would want my kids to do. Now that we're thrown into being role models we need to think about how our kids are seeing us treated and how we react. Remember, that they know so much more than we give them credit and if they see you being taken advantage of, then they may allow others to do the same to them. This is harsh but I think we need to put our kids in front of our parents. Please do what's best for them. I'll get off my soap box now and just wish you luck! :)

I agree with the others - it's time for your parents to stop acting like children. And if they can't, then it's time for you to remove yourself from the situation.
Obviously, this is easier said than done, but it will be better for everyone if you can simply talk to your mother and tell her that you are done paying for her needs until she shows you that she is able to stop paying for extras.

I would recommend talking to her - even if she is not honest with you, you can be the bigger person and show her honesty. Tell her how you feel, what you want, and what you're going to do. If you can't have a good conversation with her, then you should write her a letter. That's only fair.

Good luck!