Need Advice on Dealing with 10 Mo. Old Throwing "Temper Tantrums"

I had the same problem with my son. I don't remember his exact age, but I know it was shortly after his first birthday. He would have his fit and even went as far as to hold his breath and even passed out a few times. I talked to my pediatrician about it. She told me when he did it to just ignore him. Eventually when he realized he wasn't getting any attention from his behavior he gave up on it.

Consistency is key. My daughter would throw a fit if she didn't get her way and we just stayed consistent. You can't give in one day and not another. You have to stand firm and just keep keep going. I would make that eh sound any time she was doing something naughty. For a while she would be mad if I redirected or distracted and she would go right back but after a while she would hear that sound and she would redirect herself. You can do this! Just hang in there it will be easier to do it now then when he is older. My daughter is almost 3 and although we have the occassional fit it is nothing as compared to some of her friends. She settles down pretty quickly and doesn't go to far over the edge lol. Good luck!!!

Dear B.,

Tantrums are always upsetting to the parent, especially in a child so young. I wouldn't give him a toy to play with, because to a very young child, he may see that as getting a reward for teh behavior. Removing him to another rooom is a step in the right direction. You may have to put him in a "time-out". By that I mean taking him in your arms to restrain him from hurting himself while telling him in a calm voice that no, he can't do or have the thing he's throwing the fit over. Mommy will never give him a thing that he cries or whines for, but Mommy loves him," and after he calms down, and you sit there with him for 2 minutes and he remains calm during that time, then you both get up and go about your business. The problem is that your son, while displaying 2-year-old behavior, can't reason at that level. So at this time, you probably can't designate a time-out chair and put him in it and have him stay by himself. It is going to be a process and take some time to get him through this phase.

When he is a little older and can count, at least to three, you can start using a "1,2,3" method to discipline. I explained it to my children first. How it works is, when you see a bad behavior, count one to your child. That is warning no. 1. When (not if) he does it again, count 2. The second warning. At this point, I would remind my child that if I got to 3, the spanking (does not have to be hard, just enough to get your child's attention) and time out will be
the next step. Then follow through. First the spanking, then the timeout. My children were sent to their rooms. There was no TV there. They stayed in the room for one minute for each year of their age. If this works for you, get your spouse on the same page. There is a book called One-Two-Three Magic that you can find in bookstores that explains this method.

I hated having to discipline my babies, but as the adult in the home all day, I had to do it or risk turning out rotten children who did not know that there are boundaries for their behavior. Once I found 1-2-3 and started using this process, discipline became much easier. It won't always work with every child. My older daughter received more spankings and time-outs than her younger sister did.

I currently work as a paraprofessional in middle school special education. Every day I see children who were raised, or raised themselves, and do not know how to behave. My own children are now 16 and 14, redheaded girls, getting good grades and behaving in school.

Hi there, I know you have a lot of responses already so I will be brief. Firstly, a 10 month old absolutely understands behavior modification and discipline. It is called training. A human is the most intelligent of God's creatures and if a mere puppy can be trained, so can our children, froma very young age. I will just leave that part at that, but there is a book called, "To Train up a Child," that has so much goo info in it.

The other thing that I did not read anywhere else was when you are talking to the child, make sure that you kneel down to his level and gently lower your voice when he is having these tantrums. If you get upset as well, then none of the advice you have received will work for you.

Thanks

Hi B.!
I'm sorry this is so long, but I really hope it helps!

My 11 month old daughter also throws mild tantrums when she doesn't get her way. As others have said below, I tend to sit and quietly watch her, and her tears usually finish within a minute or so. Then she gets right back up and goes back to what got her in trouble in the first place, and repeats the cycle about 4 times before I move her. I do NOT move her in the middle of a tantrum, only once she's wound down, and then I catch her quickly before she can return to getting in trouble. (I hope that makes sense.)

Also, I would talk to your son. I know the words sound silly, but he'll eventually catch on. As each tantrum winds down, say something like "I know you're upset because you can't have the remote, and it's okay to express anger/frustration/sadness (by crying? - whatever IS acceptable to you), but it's not okay to scream like that (or beat your fists...whatever the bad behavior is)". I think it's important to express through words what is and is not accpetable behavior in your house. Later, as the tantrums calm down overall, you can talk him through them sooner ("Remember, we don't beat our fists, but you may stand there and cry"), and eventually he will know what's acceptable and what isn't.

Thirdly, my husband deals with our daughter's tantrums differently. He puts her in time out in her crib. I don't know that he follows through with this next part, but I feel it's critical. (He just doesn't want to deal with her while she cries, and I don't think he's really teaching her anything.) If you choose to use this method (and there's NOTHING wrong with it!!), I encourage you to stay very close, but not within sight. Listen carefully to your son's tantrum, and as SOON as it winds down, go to him with a big smile, pick him up and hug him, and tell him he's a good boy for calming himself down. He's too young to be left alone for any extended period of time after a tantrum - he'll start another one for being left alone in the crib, so I feel it's very important to reward him immediately when he calms down, at least the first several times that it's necessary to put him alone like that. Perhaps this could be a last resort for you, when he's too violent to be allowed to stay where the tantrum started.

Lastly, you didn't mention how your husband deals with these tantrums (if he ever sees them...). I just want to encourage you to not worry if he reacts differently than you. If you are each consistent in addressing the same behavior, and you each react with your own consistent methods, your son will learn the difference between parents, and that while you have different ways of dealing with him, tantrums are unacceptable to both of you.

I wish you the best of luck, and as I said before, I hope at least something I said was helpful!

My son threw his first tantrum at 9 months- so it isn't unheard of for a child under 2! For both of my children, my husband and I decided to ignore the tantrum (even though I know it can be loud and stressful) and let the kids figure out that there is no way we will give in to that kind of behavior; it only took a few times. My husband also laughed at the few tantrums the children threw (he couldn't help himself), and it's possible the embarrassment is what stopped them from ever trying it again! Hang in there!

Hi B.,
Thank you so much for asking this question. My one year old son also throws what I consider to be tantrums. He will scream and cry to the point of making himself cough and gag and hyperventilate (almost). He's been doing this for about 1 or 2 months, as well. It's comforting to know that other mothers are going through this with young children too. It's very frustrating because my son isn't old enough to understand verbal corrections or explanations! I, like you, have been at my wit's end so many times during my son's "fits". I try to ignore them, but I know how you feel because I feel so bad for my son when he sounds like he's practically getting sick from being so upset. I really feel like my son knows exactly what he's doing, though. I'm trying to find effective ways to keep him from doing his loud "screeching" fits, for sure. When he screeches like that it frays my nerves terribly.
So, I guess I don't have any helpful advice, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this!! Good luck--I know we'll get through these difficult phases.

J.

Hi B.:
I had a child that started with horrible temper tantrums at a very young age until she was about 12 years old. After living with it and through it I would suggest that you not make a big deal about it. What is going to make it stop is just to sit down and watch. Having your attention will shorten the event. When the tantrum goes on and on the child actually can't remember what they are angry about and it becomes about getting your attention. After counseling for me and my daughter I realized we were both wrong. I unknowingly dramatized the situation when she had a tantrum.
Be silent and watch and hopefully that will work for you. It did work for me but at a much later age.

two words. ignore him. if you give in or baby him, he will keep doing it because he knows you will give in. it doesnt matter that he is only ten months old. i have worked in an infant room at a daycare for eight years and have three of my own. please just ignore it.

I completely understand what you are going through! Our son started his tantrums around 10 months also. I know that all children are different and different things work for different people, but what helped us was just ignoring his tantrums. At first we tried to distract him, then tried to reason with him and finally started ignoring the tantrums when nothing else worked. His tantrums have significantly decreased since he first started throwing them! Remember, this is only a phase and it will pass!!!

Hi B.,

Your son is having temper tantrums... I know because my son's tentrums started when he was 8 months old, slapping me in te face, throwing himself down, etc. My son is 3 now and it is A LOT better, but he still has his moments. My son also had and still has some develpomental issues, not to scare you or anything, but I would take that in to consideration. Mainly I would have his language checked and maybe even hearing if you have a concern there. With my son's developmental delays in speech, fine motor, etc. now looking back a lot of his tantrums came from not being able to communicate and from not fully understanding what we wanted from him or why he couldn't do/have certain things. Even today at 3 years old, I have to "over explain" things to him in a very calm voice to get him to understand. But in other areas he is soooo smart. Keep in mind there may not be any develpomental issues, even still that doesn't mean he can't have tantrums at 10 months. Good luck with eveything and it will get better. (smile)

I haven't read anyone else's post so I'll make it short.

-begin to use sign language, it is easy and helps eliminate frustration that cause tantrums.
-Do not wait until well into the tantrum to stop it, you are teaching him to "keep going" and eventually he will get your attention
-reward with hugs and kisses when he successfully tells you what he wants without tantruming
I would separate myself from my son when he tantrumed, so he wasn't putting on a show for anyone. He would calm down almost immediatly.
He is learning how to tell you what his needs and wants are and he is frustrated. Stay calm, and do your best to be mindful what your reaction teaches him.

Have you tried holding him really tight? Just a thought. My son used to have long crazy temper tantrum-like events, usually after a nap. It turned out to be a sensory integration related issue (although we didn't find that out until he was 5). The only thing that would calm him down was holding him tight - he needed to feel the physical pressure. Good luck!

B., You have a very smart child. I think it's wise of you to not wait until the typical age for tantrums (18-19 months) before you deal with this. You're seeing it now, and you're dealing with it now. I do think your 10 month will learn very quickly that such behavior at least gets undivided attention if you let him learn this, though.

You may not think so from reading below, but I really am an attachment parent kind of mom. Ignoring it worked with some of mine, but the one who did the full-blown ones like what you're talking about, responded pretty well when I put a little (and I mean little) water on his face during the fit. I didn't let on I was the one who put it there; I didn't look at him as he was flustered from it happening; I just kept doing dishes. I had to do this twice. He gave up the fits. Then, I began telling him how to get my attention in a correct way and we practiced it. This was very much separate from fit-throwing, however.

When you say it took you 45 minutes to calm him down, that makes me wonder if maybe you're giving him a lot of attention for these fits. Once they work themselves into a fit, it does take them time to come back down, but they need to learn to do that. When they're on the calming side (not all the way calmed), they may come to you at that time and ask for snuggles and loving and that would be a good time to help, but when they are still in the loud crying, wailing, etc., I'd ignore it.

For another child, holding him in my lap in another place away from people and not giving him any other attention except making him sit in my lap worked. This was best when he wanted to do something I'd told him he couldn't do. This takes a lot of time, however, and would not have worked with the other child. With that child, it would've reinforced the behavior. You live and learn.

Hang in there. Persistence and consistency really is the key.

D. S

Babies are so incredibly intelligent! Imagine, wanting to do something, but struggling to make it happen outside of your brain!
I am a mom of 4 (F13,M11,F9,M6) and I always talked to my babies. If they threw a tantrum , I would let them know that it was not cool, and that they could hurt themselves (with the flailing and all.) No shouting necessary, but not in a "your so small and helpless" tone either. Over time, they got it. Enjoy!

One thing you will learn as a mother is that all children are different and go through things at different ages. I am willing to bet that since your son is throwing tantrums at a young age he is probably going to be a vocal child. Tantrums usually occur when a child is trying to communicate but is having trouble usually occurring around 2 when children are really trying to talk. That being said, you have to nip this behavior in the bud! As much as it bothers you, it bothers others even more, and if you allow him to get your attention by gagging and coughing then he will use it in the supermarket, airport, mall, restaurant, etc. He knows that you will ignore him until he starts gagging so that's what he goes for. He is a very smart little boy and you will have to be more that one step ahead of him the rest of his childhood. My youngest used to turn blue and I would rush to her but multiple doctors said that even if she passes out as long as she can't hurt herself falling she will be fine. I can tell you it is one of the hardest things I have done as a mother, to ignore her, but it WORKED. She never passed out but she did stop the tantrums after 2 or 3 where I didn't show any emotion. Good Luck, on a positive note, after you go through this once you should not have to deal with it again. :)

I have 4 kids 7 yrs - 8 months; 3 boys 1 girl. I would leave the room when he does it. And when he gets choked up and stuff I would look to make sure he is ok and then leave the room again. He might do it for an hour or longer now but next week he wont. Right now he is learning cause and effect. So he watches you react. This also means that he will learn that if he shakes his cup it gets taken away. Good Luck!

Wow -- that's one strong-willed 10 month old! I'd agree that completely ignoring the bad behavior is the way to go. When your son started the choking and gagging thing, he FINALLY got the attention he'd been working for -- and for 45 minutes! Instead, I'd suggest saying, "Calm down or you're going to throw up!" If he does, you have something to clean up. But the sooner you teach him that the fits don't get him what he wants, the better -- because this has got to be hard! You might also talk to the pediatrician. Sometimes they have good ideas for behavior mod.

Wow, that does seem to be early. I am interested in what other have to recommend.

Dear B.,

Hello, My name is M. and I am a 31 year old single mom of three beautiful children. I have two wonderful girls and a very active and stubborn boy. My son is now 3yrs old and he is just as determined now as he was at 10 months. The only advise that I know to give to you is to hold your son in a human papoos! I know that you are probably thinking what the heck! A papoos is a child straitjacket, medical facilities use it sometimes in medical procedures as to not harm children, it basically is a cloth that helps keep a child arms strait and from wildly flailing. Well back to the point, my son who is great but has a short, stubborn, and ill temper at times was beginning to become untolerable especally in public. There were times that I was so embarassed. Yes, it will start to happen in public unfortunatly. So when he startes to do this "tantrum throwing" you calmly grab him by the stomach and hold his arms down by his side and let him know in the calmest voice you can muster, that you are going to count to ten and help him calm down, you can even teach him that he needs to breath in and out slow and calm, then when he is calm you will let him play. Believe me you will want to pull your hair out because at times this only makes them worse. You must remember to be patience with this process, if you let it continue it will only open pandora's box more and more. I just kept doing this over and over with my son and soon he learned to sit calmly and breath, now that he is three we actuall count to ten together. Children at the age of 10 months and even at the age of 3 really can't always comprehend the barriers that are expected of them! So as for the people who say wow at 10 months he is doing this, just remember that your child may be a quick witted and fast developer who has learned at a very early age how to really push moms buttons. The joy of raising children is a process that you must welcome on a daily basis, with all of its ups and downs, there is no book on how to do it right! I think that parenting is the largest learning process that will teach you more than any book, mother twice removed, or class that comes highly recomended. B. remember you know whats best for your child, so just do what is in your heart and follow you instinct, unfortunatly your son is going to be impulsive and neurotic but is all part of the process. Goodluck I hope that my motherly advise is helpful and if not then it's just another thing that you read for the day.

best wishes,
M. S

It is a stage and many times distraction can help or ignoring him. I find spanking to cause issues later in life with children and confusion at such a young age. I used sippy cups that were spill proof...I think it's easier to be a step ahead of a child...also since it's summer and he likes water , how about getting some toys he can use water with play outside and teach him that no mess with sippy..water play outside??????? I think it's easier to learn and maybe, you have a smart child that's bored.

Ignore him!! If he is in a safe place on the floor throwing his fit, ignore him. Don't look his way, talk to him or acknowledge his fit. You can stay in the room though. Everyone else in the house needs to follow the same rules too. It will take some time but he will stop because he isn't getting a reaction out of you. He may throw a fit again like you mentioned where he got really worked up, but they'll pass as well when he realizes it won’t do him any good. They say kids don't know how to manipulate, but we teach them. Give them a toy so they stop throwing a fit and before you know it you're bartering for good behavior with a sucker so you can get in and out of the store without a crying child!! OH, and the tantrums will come and go too and come back worse than the last time so it’s best to nip them in the butt now!! My 2yr old hardly throws fits anymore and when he does they don’t last long because I don’t give in to him.

Just hang in there, this too shall pass!!
~S.

Hi B.-

The thing to remember with tantrums is that they are really the only way a child has to express the way he is feeling. While it certainly wouldn't be acceptable to act that way when he is older, right now that is the only way he knows how to express his frustration. Looking at things from that view point is something that really helped me when my son would get frustrated with something...in fact I found I was able to avoid a lot of trantrums by taking the time to explain why something could or could not be done and then sympathizing with him if he had a difficult time or was upset. The other thing is that some kids are more high spirited than others and / or need a way to release stress and frustration from something else that happened at an earlier point during the day. A few books that I have found really helpful are the Dr. Sears books and Connection Parenting. Another book that a friend of mine referred was Tears and Tantrums by Aletha Solter...that friend is the one that helped me see that trantrums or crying are sometimes the only way an infant or toddler has to express themselves. I have noticed with my son, if I just remain calm, sympathsize with him and give him the opportunity to express himself that the trantrum ends rather quickly and we can each move on without feeling bad about what happened.

Good luck,

W.

Well, at 10 months he's not going to understand discipline or behavior modification. Since you KNOW his triggers, my advice is to change how YOU approach situations.

My daughter too throws fits when we put up the stair gate, but if it's there when she gets to the stairs-no problem. If she gets to the stairs I just let her climb and follow her up, bring her back down, put her someplace safe and out of sight, then put up the gate.

Also with the sippy cups, either decide "Heck, it's just water", or get the no spill cups. In my house though, if you throw it on the floor it's then put out of sight until you want it again as that is a signal to me that you are done.

Then the remotes, why do they love things with buttons? We keep ours on the back of the couch, out of her reach. I do have one (without batteries) that I let her play with and that seems to keep her happy.

In the long run, these are small issues that will pass with age, every baby has something that throws them into tantrums. They don't understand why they CAN'T and communication is limited and frustrates both mom and baby.

I went through this with 2 of my daughters. #1 would sit and bang her head. When I finally ignored her and let her cry it out it stopped. I had tried all the other things you were doing. #2 started her fits about 8 months of age. She would cry until actually throwing up in her bed when she did not get what she wanted which was to not go to sleep at night. I took her to the DR and he told me that she was smarter than me. His adice was the next time this happened, to not remove her from the bed but to clean her and the bed with her remaining in the bed. When I did this, the fits stopped as she was not getting what she wanted anymore. I had a very smart Dr that helped our family to not be taken over by the little tyrants. V. Ellis