My 7-Year Old Son Too Shy to Ask Questions and Join Group Activities in School

My son has always been cautious and quiet too. In pre-school it got a little better. In Kindergarten it got a little better and this year it seems a little better. Sometimes the teacher can make a big difference (class rules, approachability, communication style). Do you have a conference coming up? Definitely discuss your concerns with the teacher.
I agree w/ the PP's about trying to arrange a few play dates with a buddy here and there.
While I'm sure it's horribly heartbreaking for you to watch, kids have a way of working things out. Try not to label him as "shy". Encourage him to do things he wants to try. After all, like my husband always tell me regarding my easy-going, nonchalant, last-in-every-line son, the world takes ALL kinds of people! He doesn't need to fit into ANYONE's idea of what he SHOULD be--celebrate who he is! It's awesome he loves to read--maybe get him involved at some library activities? Good luck!

It could just be that your son is very shy! But, if you feel maybe he needs a little help talk to the school counselor - she may be able to work with him a little - if that isn't possible you may want to take him to a counselor. It would be good to just rule out an anxiety disorder, or catch it early enough that he can learn how to deal with it. Good Luck.

I can relate to what you're going through. My son is younger but it's been really hard for him. I have the same personality so I can relate in some ways but in others I still have difficulty. A really wonderful book that helped me understand what's going on with him is The Shyness Breakthrough by Bernardo Carducci. I bought it used on Amazon and it's been so helpful. You sound like you've got a very good handle on what makes him tick and are sensitive to his needs without pushing. That's huge! The book may help and give you some new strategies. One thing I've seen already is the difference the teacher can make. Not only that though, the difference the dynamic of the classroom can make. Last year my son was in a fairly chaotic room with teacher turnover (preschool) and it was horrible for him. Had I realized how much that was affecting him I would have had him moved. It might be helpful going forward to forge a relationship with his principal so that when it comes time to put him in a class next year you can request a teacher you think would be better for him. Good luck and hang in there!

If you are sure the problem is he is shy and not because something else is going on. You can help him by teaching him to learn some skills. You can have him practice starting the conversation with you.

Start by having him say "Hi, My name is __________, do you want to play with me?"

When you know he has it move on to having him ask another child to play using the skills he learned from you. You need to make sure the other child will say yes to him, the key to success is KNOWING the other child will say yes and play with him. This will give him currage to ask other kids to play.

awww.. I can't imagine how hard this is for you J.. It hurts so incredibly much to see your kid hurting. I have a couple pieces of advice:

First off-I wouldn't make an issue about him asking the teacher to read a different book. My son is also in second grade and I know that he wouldn't do that either and he is pretty outgoing. They have a strong sense of "rules" at that age which are black and white. In their mind that would be bucking authority.

Second-Talk to his teacher ASAP about his fear of a yellow card. She needs to discuss her process with him and why or why not a child will receive one and then she needs to reassure him that he will most likely never get one.

Third-get him involved with Scouts. My son is in this program and I have seen first hand how it brings the quieter kids out. Speak with the leader beforehand about your son's shyness so they realize they need to make and extra effort to inlcude him.

Fourth-Talk with your schools guidance counselor. Ours does lunchs with groups of kids in her office each day. They are guided as kind of an ice-breaker so kids can get to know eachother or conflicts can be resolved. Chances are good that yours can find something similiar to do.

Fifth-don't belittle him about this in ANY WAY. Really watch what you say because you may not be realizing that you are doing it. He needs to feel great about himself at home. Also-you may make things worse by making it a huge deal.

And finally I would really try to evaluate what has caused this backslide in his socialability. He may not be able to or want to explain to you what he is feeling in his new class. Are there bullies? Sometimes bulllying can be very subtle. ARe the kids already friends and in a clique that excludes others? These are just a few possible reasons. I would also address this with his teacher. Also-and this is what I do with my son-take time to talk with him one on one. Every night before bed I lie down next to him and we have our "talk time". Here he tells me everything that is going on. Before this he would never tell me anything.... Now he tells me everything because I think it is such a relaxed environment that he feels totally safe and realizes that I am not there to judge or to yell...just to listen.

Good luck to you-be sure to let us know how it works out.

My son is 14 now. When he was young he was also very shy and would never make contact first.The teachers would notice he was very shy but in the second half they would tell me they didn't realize what afunny sense of humor my son had.

My suggestion is first do not make abig issue and push him into anything he is not comfortable with.But I would talk to the teacher without your soon knowing. Let the teacher know what is going on.
Sometimes the teachers appear mean at the beginning just to scare the kids a little so they dont talk alot. My son had that in 4th grade with a science teacher. I went in to speak to her to tell her my son is terrified of her. She said that the class was full of talkers and her approach was to be very strict.After that she did start to loosen up with my son and the year went better.

4th grade was tough for us .Every morning he would get nervous and I would just reassure him he would have a great day .I would tell him not to think about it and just keep smiling .At the end of the day things always worked out.

I thought at one point to take him for counseling but just my talking it out with him thru the year worked out his fears and then he was fine after that.
I think developmentally some kids go thru this and it can be reacurring but if you are patient and try to get him to focus on the good things that happen.

Also they don't always tell you the good stuff so make sure you ask ket questions. And again talk to the teacher to see what is going on.

It will work out just be patient.

L.

Hi, J.:

Yes, enroll your son in Boy Scouts that will help him.

The other issue at school. Go with him to the bus stop for a week and observe what is going on.

Go into his class for a couple of days and assess how things are going in the class.

Make a decision on what is going on with the enviornment and then see about changing what needs to be changed.
Good luck. D.

HI J., First talk to your son's teacher. Tell her that he seems to be convinced that if he questions anything he is worried that he will get that "yellow card". The two of you (or just the teacher) may want to talk to him about his concerns. Does he have a "best" friend that lives near you or is in class or soccer? If not maybe you should just invite a couple of boys (one at a time) over to your home to play and have dinner or a sleep-over to help him develop friendships. Avoid using the term "shy" when describing him in his hearing....lables have a way of becomming self-forfilling. Sure, get him into boy scouts...and maybe into a music program or an after school program at your local YMCA. Just keep getting him out there and give him opportunities to get involved and find some outside intrests. It sounds like your son maybe full of some kind of fear...if you can find it and confront/deal with that fear maybe you will free him from his "shyness". Good luck and Best wishes.

Hi. I know you're getting a lot of good advice. I just wanted to say that it sounds a lot like my childhood. A few years ago, when I first saw the commercials for medicine that treated social anxiety disorder I thought, "That's it! That's what my whole life was like!" I did do plays from seventh grade on, and I've worked in restaurants for years. So I've definitely improved. No one thinks of me as shy anymore, but I will always feel shy on the inside. I'm not trying to bum you out! But maybe this different perspective will help you cope. This may not be something you can change in him, but for sure you can help him develop skills. Clearly there is something wrong with this "yellow card" system. I would have been terrified!
For the record, when I was that age any kind of group activity like Brownies was just more stress. Just another place where I could be inadequate. But everyone is different, and you know your son best.
Also, for what it's worth I am one of the happiest, most centered people I know. Even though I have a lot of obstacles in my life. I have wonderful friends and great joy. If you could help him have just one good friend at any time in his life, that's a great start! Good luck.
Martha

hi,
My daughter has been introverted as well, difference is that honestly she was not always that way. She became that way after going threw some trauma. She now suffers from post traumatic stress disorder. I thought her social anxiety was never going to get better. I really thought she would become a "shut in" until last week. She has been to psychiatrists as well as therapists since she had that trauma. Her Dr. had put her on different medications and I saw her becoming a "zombie" I couldn't stand it. I'd rather work harder with her then watch her be like that. I kept refusing to put her on any meds until last week when I realized just how bad the social anxiety was. I allowed the Dr. to give her Zoloft and he said that it will probably start to work after about two weeks... I was surprised that not only has my daughter told me that she sees a difference (actually starting conversations with others on her own) but I got a call from one of her teachers today and he has noticed also!! PLEASE do not think I suggest a pill to make your sons "issues" go away. not all medication is right for everyone. Also, it took me a long time to give into this. My daughter is now 13 she has been going through this since she was about 3 and it has been getting worse. What I DO suggest though is therapy of some kind. I had to FORCE myself NOT to talk to others for her... it becomes second nature to just help your child out when you know they are just so uncomfortable, but in the long run I was doing more damage but not having her speak up for herself. I hope this helps you in some way.
TJ

great advice, I just want to emphasize that you really need to develop a relationship with the teacher and Make sure the teacher knows what is going on and why. That might make all the diffrence in the world.

My child is a few years younger, but I can still relate to your experience. My daughter is naturally introverted, and at her first preschool she barely made a peep. The teachers even came to me telling me she had a problem, which I knew to be ridiculous and found another school. I cannot tell you what a difference this made! It is a Friends school, which emphasizes community and respect and having every child have a successful classroom experience, and after one year my daughter is a different child in group settings. She has many friends, enormous amount of confidence, and I was shocked when my child's teacher told me she raises her hand and asks questions and participates in discussions all the time in the classroom. I never would have believed it! I know that it is not an option for everyone due to many reasons, but I would strongly suggest just looking into a Friends school or other independent school. Most if not all offer aid if that was a necessity, and mine provides transportation. That said, I would pay any amount of money to ensure my child's first foundational years are positive ones. It has been worth every penny! Good luck!

My girls are both pretty outgoing and I attribute it to taking drama classes. By nature they were both pretty quiet and shy. I also make sure they always speak for themselves (when we were in a restaurant when they were 2 yrs old if they wanted something they had to speak-up and ask the waitress themselves. I also had them answer the phone, tell the reception who they were at doctors/dentist appointments etc) I grew up being very shy and I did not want this for my daughters since I now know this can be a learned skill.
Best of luck to your son!

I would sit and figure out what is different from this years class compared to last year. Maybe he's intimidated by the class rules and the yellow cards etc from the teacher seem to make him very uneasy where they didn't have them last year.? Also playdates with one child at a time would allow him to ease into playing/asking for friends on playground. I know as a teacher I'd want to know about this from patent so I could facilitate play and help your son become more conforatble with class including clarifying rules etc. Sometimes just sitting with child to review the rules and giving him extra encouragement helps situations like that but his teacher might not be aware of it!

Dear J.,

All the way thru your post I was thinking just what you said at the bottom of your letter.

I think that Boy Scouts will be GREAT! They build self confidence & self esteem. My middle son was the same way and I enrolled him in Tae Kwon Do classes. This too builds self confidence & self esteem not so much discipline as Karate but very much a confidence builder.

At your sons age he will be in cub scouts. I am the leader of my sons Tiger Cubs that is at least age 6 or 1st grade. Just google cub scouts of america and you will get several links. You can find the closest meeting place for you.
I am also my daughter's Daisy Troop leader. That is kindergarten & 1st grade. They love it and I'm certain your son would too.

I hope this helps.

I. B. - Mom of 4 Grandma of 1.

My son is 5 and is timid around others. In fact at the beginning of this school year he wouldn't say hello to his friends from last year when they would say hello to him. It might sound silly but I made a rule that requires him to say hello to someone he knows who says hello to him. I told him he didn't need to carry on a conversation but to remember his manners and say hello. I explained that if he doesn't his friends might think he is mad at them or that he doesn't like them. He agreed that he doesn't want that to happen, so our rule has been working well so far. I've even seen him engage (though not initiate) in conversations with others.

Another thing that has helped is planning one-on-one playdates with friends he does interact with at school. This seems to have given him confidence and the ability to be himself with someone he likes and trusts and have that friendship returned.

I signed my son up for karate classes. I thought a team sport would be too much pressure for him and I didn't think he would enjoy it. He loves karate, however. He can develop his skills at his own pace, he has exposure to other kids and adults, and he is learning a lot. He loves to show off his skills to anyone interested. I think has been good for him.

Since your son is older, maybe try explaining the reasons/situations where you think his teacher would give yellow cards or deny his requests. Explain to him why his request (to read a book from home, for example) probably wouldn't fall into those categories. Role play with him how you think the conversation would play out. Let him know that if his teacher denies a request or does give him a yellow card that you will work it out together. If it seems the teacher is being unreasonable you can decide how you want to handle that.

Best wishes.

My 12 year old had the same problem.Last year,she had a rude teacher who would yell at her for asking "stupid questions".Now she is scared to raise her hand and talk.She will talk to friends but in a quiet tone,even at home. I would say,give him some time.It was a new enviorment for him.

WOW! After Googling about my seven year old son's timidness, your response came up and I couldn't believe how similar your issues were with your son and mine.
My son is so afraid to speak out about anything. In Kindergarten he held his bladder all day because he was too shy to ask to go to the bathroom (which was connected to the room). Well, I was understanding with that since full day school was so new to him. But he is now in first grade and virtually nothing has changed. If he is thirsty, he will actually go all day without a drink (but be completely parched) because he is afraid to ask if he can go to the water fountain. Today he came home from a full day of school and never had any lunch! They have a little system in his classroom where if they choose to have school lunch on any given day, they take their name tag and put it in the folder with the picture of the food that they have chosen for that day. He likes the school chicken nuggets and I told him that morning that the nuggets were on the school menu for that day. So that afternoon, I asked how lunch was and he told me he only ate the snack I gave him that day. I ask why he didn't eat the nuggets and he said he thought I packed lunch for him. But even at snack time he would see there was no sandwich, and even if he didn't notice then, at lunch time he would find out and he still didn't say a thing to any adults. I just don't understand it.
Even saying "hi" to adults is a challenge for him. He is just so rediculously shy it's so very sad and frustrating at the same time.
And what bothers me is that I can't HELP but compare. He has a cousin who is a year younger and he is so outspoken and gets all his little needs met when ever he has a problem or question. I am just so at a loss with my son. I thought for sure as he got older it would improve but NOPE.