Mouthy 7 Year Old!

No honey, she should not be mouthing off to you in anyway. Have you tried asking her why she talks to you like this?? Dont know but it could be she is looking for attention that she is missing. If she gets nasty with you back off but keep asking her. She might be having a probelm at school or have some friends that she sees talk to their parents this way..There has to be a root to the issue. And if this does not work there is always soap and a good swat in the mouth...

I was JUST talking to a physiologist friend of mine that I trust very much about this same issue yesterday! She said the problem is that you (and I) need to regain control of the conversation. Your daughter is using the sassiness to control the conversation and you (and me) are letting her by acting hurt, surprised, or any other emotional reaction to the words she is saying.

Some ways we can regain control of the conversation:

“I think what you meant to say was ‘Mom, thank you for making dinner, but I think I’ll skip dinner tonight and maybe we could decide on something for tomorrow together’”.

When it comes to the “I hate….” comments, you can say “that’s not an appropriate thing to say. If you’d like to tell me specifically what is bothering you about this house, I’d be happy to talk to you about some specific changes we can make together, but it is not appropriate to say “I hate”.

Same thing when she says “You’re mean”. You can say “That’s not an appropriate thing to say. If you’d like to tell me specifically what you think I’m doing that’s mean, I’d be happy to talk to you about that, but it is not acceptable to say what you said.” But if you act hurt or upset about being called “mean” then she’s seeing that she’s gained control over the conversation and your emotions.

It’s difficult to not have an emotional reaction when we hear those words, but my friend suggests to just be prepared—expect that something sassy or rude is going to come out of her mouth every time she opens it and you’ll be less shocked when it does.

This, like most battles with children, is about control and it is important that you handle the situation in a way that shows her that YOU are in control of a conversation that she is participating in.

I actually tried this yesterday with my 2 year and it totally worked! I was so surprised. As soon as I got to school to pick him up he was whining and whining and asking for a drink and I said “I think what you meant to say was “hi mommy, I missed you!” and he grinned and said “hi momma” and the whining stopped. I was really surprised that the same tactic that is meant for a 7 year old worked on a toddler!

There's a superb book that describes exactly how to be compassionate and respectful toward a child while being clear about your own expectations and need for cooperation and respect. It gives practical examples for just about any parenting situation you'll find yourself facing. Parenting experts Faber and Mazlish will show you How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, in a clear, easy-to-read cartoon format. You'll be glad you tried this approach!

This is a normal development at this age, influences by friends, coming into her own tatses etc. You're right to be concerned. You have to re- set the rules now, so she naturally resets her own respect level before this gets worse.

At her age, she needs to be re-educated in your role and what you will not allow. Have a serious talk (I'm sure you have, but come to this one prepared with clear consequences) to send the message that if she is a good and intelligent girl (which she is), who wants to be respected and admired, she knows it is not nice to treat ANYONE this way. Would she smart off to her teacher? Would she smart off to her friends? (maybe, I'm sure they're all practicing up on their girly sassiness, but that doesn't mean she can do it to you, let her know) Then SURELY, she should not speak this way to the most important person in her life-you. I know you've probably told her all that, SO,

Explain to her why complaining about her food etc is sending you the message that she must be very spoiled and entitled, and perhaps she needs to start earning and/or making her own food if she thinks it's OK to insult what she's being given for free. Don't just say it, stop giving her yummy meals and give her un-yummy ones until she learns to be nice and earn the yummy pasta with good manners and respect. IN addition to this "long term consequence" which is sort of broad on it's own for a 7 year old, also do something immediate and firm when she does it. Every time.

No grudges after consequences are doled out, go back to your nice positive day, and keep your higher ground, but react the same way whenever she does it.

I saw a great episode of the World's Strictest Parents when they took some spoiled bratty teens in and the first night there, the guest rooms had just a bare mattress and no furniture. The teen boy did something disrespectful to the host when he first arrived so he no longer had the free gift of the mattress and slept in a sleeping bag. Through the week they had to perform community service for poor people and do chores around the farm and learn respect and gradually earned back respect for themselves and compliments and all the furnishings for comfy rooms, and it REALLY changed them-I couldn't believe it would work so well so fast. At first they were just used to having all the comforts of home without earning anything.

I would start to find consequences in relation to what she's complaining about and broaden her perspective (not instead of something immediate and firm at this age, but in addition to). Tell her in advance exactly what you are doing and what will happen specifically if she speaks unkindly to you again, and follow through immediately.

CONSISTENTLY so she never gets away with the little jabs. they WILL get worse if you don't, and they WILL go away if you do.

Instead of not going for ice cream when it happens, maybe pre-emptively tell her she's not going to go get ice cream ANYMORE until you see she has not smarted off to you for as long as you need to be convinced in addition to the immediate discipline she'll get when she says rude things to you. Hates your house? Instead of taking random things away when it happens, maybe remove her adorable girly decor in her room until she earns the princess curtains (or whatever she has in her cute room) back by being respectful to you. She will be proud of herself when she earns them back. Explain that everything you do for her is because you are respectful and kind and love her, but you don't have to do these things, if she doesn't deserve it. She has to treat you nicely in return for how nice you are to her.
Also, set up some special days with you and her together where she sees that other people do not have everything she has. Help a family out who live in a bad home so she sees how nice hers is. Watch some videos of poverty stricken places. My four year old was really affected by the earthquake in Haiti on the news when I explained to her that the people didn't have houses to live in like us. Find something nice to do to volunteer together somewhere. The bonding will help as well as the lesson for her. She sounds like she is getting a little spoiled (normal for all of our well-provided for kids) and you are doing her character a great service to get this fixed now!

Number one, no soap or swats. Take a look at the situation. Has anything changed at school or home?
When she acts up stay calm but address the situation. If she does not want pasta she can make a cheese sandwich or PBnJ. That way you do not have to make another dinner but you are also respecting her need not to want pasta. Or you can also say "This is what is for dinner. If you do not want to eat it right now, you do not have to. It will be available later if you get hungry. Please use you kind words with the family even if you are not happy about dinner. Would you like to help choose tomorrows dinner?" If she is fighting your every word let her know that you do not want to be spoken to that way and let her know that you will excuse her or yourself if she continues to speak to you in an unkind way. Let her know that you are hearing that she is upset and you want to hear what she has to say, but she needs to use a kinder tone. Something is going on, even if she is just down in the dumps. How do you want to be treated when you are in a funk? That is how you want to treat you child. Let her have her feelings but teach her how to do so productively.

B. Davis

Child And Family Coaching
http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
Because nothing is more important than family

Hi, M.:

It is so hard not to snap back when our feelings are hurt but just think.
This is really a good quality for your daughter to have in today's world.

For you though, when she makes these snippy remarks, just agree with her.
If she says, I hate this house, you say, I hate this house too and list the
things that you have to do to make it a home.

If she says, I don't like this food, you say, I don't like it either, but i have to eat to keep my energy up to do all the work I have to do.

Think of something humourous if you have a wit.

She is learning about what she likes and doesn't like and you can think of what you like or don't like and you all can compare notes.

Just a thought.
Good luck. You do have a challenge but I believe that you are up for
it. Thanks for asking for help. Shows you have a lot of courage. Keep up the good work. You are doing a great job!
Donn

I found this break down of misbehavior helpful. You could come up with your own steps too but this lady works on teaching behaviors. Disagreeing appropriately may help with teaching your daughter respect.

I think this gets to a level of tolerance-- you tolerate what you can of it, and then discipline what you can't. I think simply saying something like, "you know, that's not how we talk in this house" or "we use respectful tones here" or something like that is a gentle way to point out when she is doing it. I would also make sure that you and the other adults around here are being respectful to each other and her... I know sometimes my husband and I I get "mouthy" with each other and I'm sure my son picks up on it... so its something I am trying to watch. I think any kind of physical punishment is the worst idea you can do-- is putting soap in the mouth or throwing water in someone's face teaching respect? I don't think so. It's just teaching that you are bigger than she is... which she already knows.
I know one of the things that make a big impression on me is when I smarter my mother my father kinda got in my face with the whole "You do not EVER speak to your mother in that tone of voice..." It made a big impression. But you also have to be willing to deal with an occasional mistake... she's going to make them.
Good luck. If you can teach her to handle her frustration now and speak to you respectfully, you will be well ahead when she's 13! :-)

Wow, thank you for bringing your question up! I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. Out of the blue, a few weeks ago, my seven year old started exactly the same behavior, at my home, and at her dad's (we split 2 years ago). I was glad to see that the advice was what I had done anyway, for the most part. I donned my teflon body armor, stuck to my guns, and she either saw reason (we talked about her behavior when she was being civil, or came to me, wanting something), or just worked through her phase on her own, as she's getting back to being her old self again. Not perfect, but not the little bratty-mouth door-slamming drama queen that I was afraid had come to stay. Phew!

Find a time when the emotions are not running high and remind her what is and what is not acceptable. We encourage discussion of any kind with our kids (13 & 10) but never permit disrespect from either of them. I would set the consequences with her when there is no problem and be CONSISTENT in enforcing them. It's funny...just the other day my oldest one was disrespectful and then didn't like the consequence and the younger one said "He shouldn't be surprised...he knows if he does ______ the consequence is ______." There has to be SOMETHING that would motivate her. We've done it all over the years....taken ipods, restricted tv/video game time, put them to bed early, grounded them, given extra chores, imposed monetary fines..etc. You just have to figure out what is the motivator to your child now and take that thing away.

Don't let her get away with this now or it will only get worse later.

Our kids respect us for the consistency even though they certainly don't always like it. They know at many of their friend's houses, the kids eventually get where they want to if they whine long enough...and yet...here it is at our house today....another day where all the neighborhood kids are congregated in our back yard again...so we must be doing something right or they would be at someone else's house!

You are not expecting too much from your daughter to not talk to you this way. She is not showing you the proper respect that you deserve. She needs to learn respect. If taking things away hasn't worked, then you need to move onto something that will catch her attention.

Here is an idea that I got from my mother....when she talks back to you, throw ice cold water in her face. It won't hurt her, but it will catch her attention. Tell her that if she doesn't want water in the face again, she will show you proper respect. Make sure to follow through with your threat. If she talks back again, throw more water in her face. Keep doing this until she stops talking back. Then make her clean up the mess from the water.

I know it won't be easy, but when she finally learns to respect you, it will be all worth it. Good Luck!

It is not acceptable and very frustrating , I have a 7 yr old son that is exactly like this , and only in recent weeks has it started. Does hormones start kicking in this early??? I cannot put it down to anything else. My son even packed a bag and said he was leaving home!!!

I am looking forward to reading your responses as I am unsure how to deal with this issue myself , my son at the moment is on his final warning before anything related to his birthday is cancelled!

I have a 7yr old daughter and a 4yr old daughter that does the same things. I chalk up the 4yr olds behavior to copying her older sister. My 7yr old, however, has ADHD & ODD. She is in therapy and on meds. It helps some but there are days that it seems like the aren't working. Those days have become almost daily lately. My husband has threatened to leave because of her. He thinks its is just being disrespectful and "bad". I try to explain to him but he says its just a cop out and we're using her "disease" as a crutch. I'm not saying that your daughter has ODD (Oppositional Defience Disorder) but check into it. It is a behavior disorder. Also check to see if something is stressing her out.