Loss of a Sibling

While I have not been through this myself there is a great book out there call The Fall of Freddy the Leaf. It helps explain the balance of life and death to young kids. My parents bought it for my brother when he was young. (he is adopted and he lost his brother and dad in a relativly short amount of time.)

I'm so sorry to hear about your family's loss...we lost our baby boy to SIDS when our oldest child was only a year an a half...obviously 3 1/2 is a huge difference but I thing that a small family goodbye is a good route...our oldest son was at the funeral but he spent the time in my father in law's car with his children (11, 12, and 5 yrs)...Having him at the funeral was more for my husband and I...he really didn't know what was going on...but as my son gets older (he is almost three now) I realize how much he is starting to grasp on our monthly visits ( we visit our angel once a month on his "birthday")...it would be much easier for your sister and brother in law to explain to her that her daughter that her little sister is in heaven or explain the situation however they see fit if they had some quiet family time...the funeral will be SUCH an emotional time (understandably so) that it will be hard to give their daughter the attention she needs...I know that at my son's funeral I was in a daze the entire time...I barely remember anyone else being there. So, after rambling on, all I really meant was that a small family goodbye would be easier for their daughter and them to handle...again, i'm so sorry for your loss and will keep your family in my thoughts!

PLEASE, HAVE he attend the services! Give her a special "job" to do. Make her an important part, bc she is. Ask the funeral director for suggestions and education for this little one. they are surprisingly compassionate and accommodating to children. Treat her as you would want to be treated. this event is not just for "TODAY" but for her lifetime. xo

My heart aches for your sisters loss, knowing that pain, very well myself.

I think it is important to include your niece in the funeral. My baby's funeral was not very long though. My children attended they were 8 and 5 at the time...but till this day I regret not bringing them to the hospital to see their baby brother. I thought it would be too much, but I think they would really would have loved to hold him....tears falling down my face. Your niece is young, tell her the baby is with Jesus and she will see her one day. They have some good books at christian stores to help children and even for us adults...but I would look online for those. I think she will do fine. Again I am so sorry. I know everyone handles these situations differently but be there for your sister through these years. Time helps, but it always hurts. Even if you just hold her and say you love her....and tell her what a wonderful mom she is. If you need to ask anything else please contact me. I would like to help in any way that I can.

With love and concern,
I.

Dear T.,

I feel so bad for all of you. This is such a difficult time. I agree with Beth. She is right on the mark. I used to work as a family bereavement director for a funeral home. We found that even the littlest children benefit from being a part of everything if handled truthfully and simply. I have written several articles on children, death and funerals. You can find a list of them on my web site:
http://grannygracecares.com/gpage2.html The list is at the bottom of the page. Also on my web site I have bookstore with a section of bereavement books for kids and adults. I have read them and used them in my work. (you may be able to pick some up at the library) Go to my main page: http://www.grannygracecares.com and click on Granny's Best Picks Bookstore. You will see a list of categories on the left hand side. Click on Bereavement. God bless you and may you all draw together in this difficult time.

Moms are different now days. It's up to yo what you choose to expose your children too. I would not like my child to see people soo unhappy.

Hi T.,

I was almost 9 when my mother gave birth to a stillborn baby. My younger sister (almost 6) and I went to the burial, but it was an intimate graveside ceremony, with just family. Also, we were significantly older than your niece. Whatever your sister decides, I do think it's important to talk about it. My stillborn brother was one of triplets, and my surviving brother and sister (his identical, and fraternal twin) have known about it from a very young age. I'm sure your niece will notice that her mother is sad. I think it's important for her to know why (so that the niece doesn't think she's done something wrong). Okay, so there's my way-more-than 2 cents.

Best,
R.

I'm so sorry for all your guys loss. I too went through this, this past February and delivered my baby daughter stillborn. I didn't have my 2 older children come to the hospital to see her,and I regreat I didn't do that, or ever have our family all together. We did have a small service at the church after she was cremated, and my 2 kids did come to that. I'm SO glad that I did. My son is 5, and my younger daughter is 2 1/2. My son still to this day asks about his little sister that passed away, and talks about her because she is a part of our family. I truly believe that kids are better at this stuff then adults, and help get us through it! I'd say to definitly bring her to the services they decide to have. She may be young, and have questions, but this is life, and she needs to be shown to go through things like this together as a family.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was almost 4 when my parents lost a son at birth & although I did not attend the funeral I was told that God needed another angel in heaven. A few weeks after his death my mom lost her father. All of the grandchildren were at the funeral home & I remember being held up to see my grandfather. I don't remember attending the funeral but I'm sure I did. Death is a part of life. Allowing a young child to be a part of the grieving process allows them to cope. I'm sure that your pastor &/or local library has books for young children also that would be helpful. B.

Hi T.,

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
I think a small family good-bye is a good idea. That way your niece will not feel overwhelmed with everyone's emotions. Please stay close to your sister. She really needs you right now.

Hi T., I'm so sorry for your and your sister's loss. I was 11 when my sister died, but my brother was 4 years old. My sister was not an infant, she was 9 years old, and she died of a heart condition. The funeral home had alot of good ideas, as they deal with this more than the general public. What I have discussed w/ my mom is that children should get to do what they feel comfortable with. Don't leave them out of anything. It will haunt them as they get older as they will know there was something important going on, and they may not be able to figure it out. My brother knew my sister had passed away, and he would tell everyone, "my sister died, but she'll be coming home soon". We let him talk about his sister, and we learned that it was his 4 year old way of processing it. Something to remember is that we all have, or will have to experience death in our lives. Keeping children hidden from that reality will do more harm than good! Good luck, and your family is in our thoughts and prayers.

I am so very sorry for your family's loss. My heart goes out to your sister. I too have suffered a still birth. I think that the small family goodbye at the cemetery would be most appropriate for your neice. Even the most well behaved child can have trouble sitting through a funeral. I will pray for your family. God bless you.

I have had a couple losses recently in my family and was worried about bringing my 3 & 4 year olds. I had brought paper/pens and sat them in the back. Much to my surprise, there were many small children there all sitting together and doing the same. I didn't bring them up to the casket but having children at funerals seemed to lighten the sadness a bit - I feel she should be included and give people a reason to smile during this sad time. Sorry for your family's loss.

when I lost my son my daughter was 3 1/2. We had seeked a Child Pyschiatrist. They told us not to tell our daughter that her brother was in the coffin. Only that it was a place for people to say goodbye and leave flowers. He also said NOT to let her go to the funeral. NOT to let her see them bury him. That it would be scary. That she would not be able to process it. I took her there the day after the funeral and told her that this was a place to visit, lay flowers and talk to him if we wanted to. She seemed to understand that very well. Im sorry and my prayers go out to your sister and your family.

W.

Hi T.,
I did some volunteer work for Willow House, an organization that provides bereavement support groups and other kinds of support to bereaved family members. Many of the families there had young children. The children experienced loss of parents, loss of siblings, and other types of losses.
In my training, the social workers at Willow House emphasized that children need to say goodbye and are helped by rituals that allow them to do so. They often benefit from taking part in a funeral service as long as they are supported emotionally. Either the small family goodbye at the cemetery, or the funeral service -- the options your family are thinking about -- could be very good ways for your niece to say goodbye and gain a sense of closure, and feel included in the family rituals at this time.
Many times children are shielded because people think they won't be able to handle a funeral, but children do need the opportunity to say goodbye, just like adults do
Hope this helps! and my condolences to your family on this sad loss.
L.

My daughter was 4 when her 6 year old brother died and yes she was actively involved with the funeral and burial.

My son had severe disabilities and died at home in bed overnight very suddenly. He was whisked away by the paramedics when we called and brought to a nearby hospital.

Being Jewish, we didn't have an open casket, but I had a private viewing for the family including my daughter. If I hadn't she never would have seen him again. I believe that this was the best way to handle it. Her brother was an active part of her life and she deserved to see him again and be at the funeral to get whatever experience she could from it. She deserved the opportunity to say good by to him.

Death is a huge part of life and people only live as long as they can.

Although your niece never knew her sister in the flesh, she felt her sister in her heart and she too deserves to say good by to the baby.

As a side note, my cousin didn't tell her 4 and 6 year old children that Leon had died. The next time we had a family gathering her kids asked if my son would be there and that's when she finally told them about his death. What an insult to my son's life! Protecting your kids from the reality of death in my opinion is wrong. It's like letting your kids play shooting games and not talking to them about the death that it is promoting.

I hope this helps!

E.

First, let me tell you that I am very sorry for your loss (having miscarried early on, I cannot imagine what pain your sister is going through).
Second, when I was younger, my mother gave birth to twins, but one died after 6 hours...at the time my younger sister was not even 2 and we had her at the fineral and cemetary...it helped my parents and my sister. My parents did have an open casket viewing for an hour beforehand because none of the family knew what he looked like of the one that survived looked like (they were born 3 months early so the one that survived was still in the NICU)...it helped everyone. I wouldn't exclude her, a few peolpe suggested giving her a job, which is a good idea (hand out the prayer cards to people when they sign the book would be a good one).
Your family will be in my prayers...

Hi T.,

My condolences to your family. I gave birth to boy/girl twins 6 months ago and my daughter passed away 14 hrs after birth. We had a small ceremony at the funeral home and a burial. We had our 20 month old son there as well as our surviving twin. Even though our oldest didn't understand what was going on, we wanted him there as he is part of our family. We wanted everyone there together. We also had him at the hospital where we had a picture taken of our whole family which I cherish.I never gave it a second as to whether we should have him there or not and do not regret it.

We have beautiful pictures of the twins together and of her only and display them in our home. Both boys will know of their sister as they should.

Either way it is up to your sister to decide what she feels is best for her child and family. There is no right or wrong.

My prayers are with your family.

M.

Hi T.- I'm so sorry to hear of your family's loss. My aunt and uncle also delivered a baby still born. What they did was have a small ceremony at the cemetary. All of my aunts and uncles went, and grandparents, but no kids. It was their first though, so no older siblings. I would think that it would be best to include your niece, to give her some closure also. I'm sure that your sister was including her daughter in preparing for the baby, so it would be appropriate to include her with this as well.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.