Is This Just What Friends Do?

well, you have to work on friendships if you care to have them. not contacting, calling or showing interest will get you the same thing. people move on, find other people etc.
i understand about the FB thing and you don't have to do that but you do have to pick up the phone, text whatever if you want to have friendship. i am a homebody, work from home, and i love being alone. but i will pick up the phone, i will answer the phone and i will show interest for others. if not for me, for my kids. kids get a social life through us. and let's face it, husbands will not do it most likely.

I am with you all the way! Now that my kids are older I make playdates on the weekends at someplace halfway and true friends understand what its like so don’t sweat it

i'm with you. i'm absorbed in my own life and don't feel much of a need to reach out and find relationships. i've got my family whom i adore, a few close friends who i do make an effort to keep up with, and a lot of lovely acquaintances with whom FB is a perfect way to stay in touch. i am borderline phobic in my loathing of phone conversations, and my quiet little life is so packed full of my quiet little ways of passing the time that scheduling in a lot of lunches and outings and get-togethers would make me run screaming.
i used to think it was being busy with raising kids and working, but now that i'm doing little of either i've come to realize it's just me. i'm not shy or even particularly introverted, i just am not one of the people who are energized through interactions with other people. my younger one is, he thrives on being with others. my husband, my older son and i all get drained from it, and need solitude to recharge.
khairete
S.

Listen to your question: "Am I going to have to go to the opposite extreme?"

Of course not.

Will you have to try harder to go against your nature and reach out and do some more stuff? Yup.

I'm the same as you and went through this transformation for the last several years. For all of my 20's and early 30's it was easy to be a hermit and lose myself in my work in NYC and still be "out and about a lot" and have work friends-and there was no FB, so it seemed fine. Once I moved to a new more rural location and quit work to have kids-WOAH. I had no friends except my handful of near and dears I'd had for 20 years. And I didn't really mind. But I started to get that bug like you when FB popped up and my few friends had billions of friends!!! There was a community around me of people who knew each other, and I was keeping on the sidelines.

LUCKILY I have one VERY social friend who blew into town about the same time as me and instantly knew EVERYONE. A testament to how gifted she is socially: I met her when she waited on my husband and my's table, and she struck up a conversation like nothing, and we saw her around and before you knew it-we knew her well. I dont' even remember how one thing led to another. She knows EVERYONE WELL. How does she do it? She reaches out. She invites people over, she has girls nights with co-workers, she jets off to meet up with old college friends out of state, she attends events-granted she has no kids and can do EVERYTHING. But still she invites me to do stuff all the time, makes my kids welcome, AND comes over to our house to visit us, and SHE makes it happen-I often don't think of it.

I decided to start doing a fraction of what she does and it's great, I have plenty of friends and interaction in the community for my style.
I started getting a sitter now and then and meeting people out. Not often, but it suits me fine to NEVER do that, so it was an effort. I attend gatherings when I'm invited even if I don't feel like it. I make it a point to approach people I dont' know and ask them questions at parties. I make it a point to call and email people to ask about them. I make eye contact and chat with regular neighborhood people working in the places I go. I got ballsy and had a PARTY and invited some new people I barely knew along with the few who regularly come over (and when I say regularly, I mena, like...twice a year). I FB a new person I've really met and spoken to after each new thing I attend. I don't gush on FB, but I comment occasionally and post occasionally, keeping it upbeat and not weird-I participate without overdoing it-when my nature would be to not even participate.

My social friend recently joined my gym, and we walked in together one day, and she "high fived" the guy at check in and cracked a joke with him (I've been going there for 6 ears and never said more than "hi") and in our Zumba class she knows half the class by name and is always chatting with everyone-again, I've been in that class for over a year and never talked to anyone! Now I'm more accessible and outgoing there just because she is.

It really is easy, it just never occurs to us hermits.

I still RARELY go out, and I still have a fraction of the FB friends many people do, but it' a huge improvement, and I'm right where I wanna be. Just always be sure to make people feel good about themselves and show genuine interest, and it's much more effective than just wanting them to like you. Your neighbor has got the social gift. People may not "miss you" when you go somewhere for three days (that's rare but would also happen for my friend), but people will like you if you like them and if you reach out more. Do it on a smaller scale. it feels good!

Friendships require effort. It doesn't have to be over the top gushing craziness but yes you need to call, or text, or email - whatever is easiest to outreach.

Everyone is busy - that's the problem - so if you don't make your friendships a priority why should they make you a priority - this is probably why you don't feel you have as many friends as you like.

I wouldn't really worry as much about making new friends but I would focus on nurturing the friendships you have that you value. Someone once said "In this life you are lucky to have one true friend" - and it stuck with me.

Quality over quantity - good luck!

Friendships take maintenance. So, yes, if you want to be connected to a friend, you will need to call, text, post on FB, have lunch, etc. It's tough, but worth it. Remember that your friendships are important too!

You don't have to go to an "extreme", but you do have to make an effort and reciprocate when efforts are made toward you. I went through a period a few years back when I "took stock" and realized that we didn't have as many friends as we used to. We started accepting invitations and inviting people over and it was surprising how quickly the friendships really developed and how easily sustained they were once they became an actual priority.

I work full time, commute an hour each way, run the PTA at preschool, swim lessons Tuesday nights, Story Hour once a month and am pregnant with baby #2, but when my girlfriends email and want to get together for dinner- I MAKE the time (you won't ever "find it") and I have yet to regret the three hours with my friends! We don't have time to talk each day, but every-other-month we have time for dinner.

Make the time and the effort. You really won't regret it.

I go back and forth on this. Sometimes I'll hear about one of my groups of friends and how they went and did something together. I'll feel a little left out b/c I wasn't invited. And there are other times where I hear others talk about how they go out with friends or talk all the time with friends. Then I'll wish I had that. But in reality, that's just not me. I love being alone in peace, solace, quietness. Most of us moms have few opportunities to just be still and peaceful, so I crave it. I never feel as at ease going out and socializing. And I always reach that level of peace when I just sit alone, pray, and search for some peace. I'm so much that way, that on my birthday a friend wanted to take me to lunch (very sweet of her), but I had sort of preplanned to just stay at home with quietness all day. I ended up going to lunch with her because I wanted her to know I appreciate her. But if she hadn't mentioned going to lunch - I would've just stayed at home.

I don't necessarily think so. It is easy to "seem" on fb. You can seem busy, happy, important, intelligent, cultured. It's all in the pictures, quotes, videos you post. In that same way, you can "seem" to have close relationships. When they say they "miss" her, they more than likely mean they miss seeing her posts online. I have friends that are very active on fb. They post all day everyday and it looks like they are so exciting and busy. I never post, so I look pretty boring. When in reality, I'm actually living a pretty big, full life. So big, I don't have time to talk about it on FB! Don't take it to heart. Choose quality over quanitity. I'd rather cultivate close personal relationships over time, rather than give my time and energy to every aquaintance.

I was just thinking about this the other day...I'm just like you...and I'm surprised when I find other mom's that seem to have the same relationships with their girlfriends that I did in highschool/college (not that it's bad...it's just that that's about the last time that I went out a bunch just to 'hang out' with other girls/kept up with their personal lives regularly, etc.). So...I was thinking maybe I'm just not 'cool' anymore? lol...and than I thought that that was the most juvenile thing I'd thought...in a long time! But I realized I really didn't care...I love putting my heart, soul, and energy into my home and family life. I have a few moms (my own included) that I can call and talk to for hours about getting barfed on at 2 am, going on little to no sleep, kids behavior issues, etc....etc. I find it VERY uplifting and enjoyable. Even with them, unless it's my mom...I probably wouldn't notice if they were out of town for a week! One of my favorite things to do is get together with one or more other moms with kids and go to the park for lunch. Then I can watch kids...the kids have a blast...they're interacting...and I get some adult conversation :). I certainly wouldn't change 'you' to find better friendships...maybe try to find people more like you? Look for moms that are also really busy with little kids, pets, home, etc. One thing I missed after one of our moves was getting together with a family that we really enjoyed...The whole family would come over and we'd have diner or lunch on a weekend...the kids would play...hubbies would talk...mommy's would talk...etc. And if you do want to have girl-only lunch dates, movie dates, etc....I'm sure there's gotta be a way to do that without having to be all gushy on FB, etc! Good luck!

I think Mommy H and Amy are right. Some of us are more homebodies than social butterflies. I'm a homebody...I work from home so I basically sit on the couch watching tv working on the computer all day (and flipping over to MP of course) and I don't really go out with friends. I'm just happy being at home. But sometimes I think, gosh, I don't really have a lot of close friends and when hubby and I have been thinking about having a super bowl party, we are like, WHO is there to invite??!!! So yes, if you WANT to have some friends, you DO need to make an effort for it. It takes work, just like a marriage and kids does, you have to put effort into it. So if its something you want, you need to take steps to make it happen. =) Good luck!

I don't get the whole fb posting thing or tweeting. Honestly there is nothing going on in my life that is that exciting. I don't want my personal business displayed online for anyone and everyone to read.

To me the dumbest and most un-friend thing you can do is to tell the whole world that you or a friend are on vacation or out of town for any reason. Watch for the moving van to pull up to your friend's house and the driver and accomplices to steal everything she has. These women were in my opinion not being freinds but co-dependent.

Just be yourself. I'm one of those people that when I do get some time I enjoy being alone without the drama. Some people strive on the every day business of others. I have good friends and I'll take a good game of scrabble once a month to any of the gossipy online networking. Enjoy your "me" time. You'll have plenty of time for the other when the kids are grown. Good luck!:)

It's too bad we don't live closer - we could definitely be friends b/c I can understand you and wouldn't be upset if you didn't gush about me on FB! LOL I'm like you, I don't have a ton of time to stand around gossiping in the neighborhood nor am I interested in hours long conversations on the phone, don't have a ton of time to be on FB, etc. I have a life! I honestly don't know how people manage to do all of the socializing they seem to do. Maybe they make it more of a priority but I feel like to do that I would have to take the few precious hours I have with my family away. That said, I too feel like I don't have enough friends and certainly not any really close friends like I used to have (when single). Sigh...I don't know how to hit a middle ground. As for the people gushing and posting on FB - this is middle school all over again for these people - they are all crushing on the "popular" girl and want to be the one she picks as her "BFF" - just ignore the middle school mentality BS!

Honey, just because they are friends on Facebook does not mean they are close friends! BELIEVE me!

Hi, Mom:
Do you have time to get involved in a civic group, such as the Kiwanis
club in your area. The Kiwanis members focus on children from birth to college.
You can make friends with civic minded people who want to do something for their community.
Just a thought..
D.

It's not about FB and texting. But if you're not even making effort to lift up your head out of your own business in the neighborhood or with the parents of your children's classmates then people aren't going to notice you and you won't notice them. It's called being social. If you attend church, stay for Family Weekend when they have coffee and donuts after mass and chat with other families or attend church family events. Go to school family functions like Family Fun Nights or Family Movie Night. Don't let it all be business as usual and family functional. Pay attention to the people around you.

I'm in the same boat as you are. :/ I just don't feel as though I have the time for it. I teach preschool from home so I work 7:15-6pm, then my own 2 kids and my hubby and the dog. And the house. And shopping. And birthday parties every Saturday....

I'm with you. I usually feel like I barely have time to keep everything in my life together, let alone make time for friends. I figure I'll have friends when my kids are older! I think your priorities are straight.

I'm with you. I have never been on FB and have no desire to start now. I too am very busy and don't do much socializing other than with those in my home and I guess if you want closer friendships you do have to do that stuff. It just isn't me. I often think about my funeral - there won't be many people there!

I'm with you. Some of my best friends aren't even on fb. We keep in touch the old fashion way - calling or visiting each other on a regular basis. We make it a point to never start our conversations w/ "Did you see on fb....".

I always refer to FB as "Fakebook" b/c its just this generation's way of trying to show off how popular you want people to think you are. That's probably why those other moms are kissing a$$ w/the new blood in the 'hood.

I have an account but seriously, my good friends know that is not the avenue in which to relate to me. My acct is mostly for the 150 family members overseas and the little old ladies from church who like to see pictures of my son, so I oblige. They really could care less about if I'm leaving to get ice cream or that I got new shoes.

this is one of the many reasons why i don't have a Facebook or Myspace page.

No, you don't need to go to the other extreme. You need to be yourself. If people don't like that, then it will be their loss. Don't be fake.

I am in the same boat as you as well. I will try at least once a month to get together with "friends". I try to pick places for the kids to go off and play and I don't necessarily have to watch them, ie Chuck E cheese or bowling (tho we bowl with the kids).

I feel like I can not do it weekly b/c it is just way too much to lose 1 night a week going out, but I do aim for once a month.

I do text often tho to stay in contact.

My best friend and I usually text each other all day. Shes bored at work, and Im bored sometimes doing the SAHM thing. I would miss her if she went out of town, but I dont think I would post about it.
Since we have stuff to do, we arent able to get together much. Like you, I dont think I would have the time or energy to hang out with friends all the time.
Good for them that they do though, sounds like fun!! Maybe go out with them once a week, no lunch clean up!!! ;)

I have one best friend that I talk to every few days. We occasionally post on each others FB. We have been best friends for nearly 20 years now. So, No, not all friendships are stalker crazy.

Now, I do have some friends that I am usually the one who initiates contact. Those seem to be the friends who I lost contact with. As long as the effort isn't only on me to maintain the friendship then I keep it. I guess it's kind of like that book, He's just not that into you...but with friendships.

Me and one of my best friends from high school - literally - talk about once a year. We pick up right from where we left off, and I still consider him one of my best friends.
The amount of time that you spend with someone - or spend on FB with them - is not an accurate gauge of the quality of the relationship.