I Need Advise on How to Approach My Friend About Her Son and His Behavior

I understand you having issues with this child however who are you to judge that her son needs therapy? Are you a therapist who can make that call? If you're having issues with him address it with his mother or his grandmother whom you are best friends with again. There is no issue with addressing a problem however do you feel it's appropriate to assume a child needs therapy?

why are you making your daughter deal with this? clearly it's beyond her authority. YOU go to the dang door and tell him (courteously) to flake off.
then you immediately go to phone and call his mom and say 'myrtle? how ya doing? listen, my petunia can't play with your poindexter. she's got homework and chores, and i don't seem to be getting across to him very well. can you make sure he understands, please? he's been ringing my doorbell non-stop for 10 minutes now, and i'm sure you understand i can't have that.'
all the Xbox and grandma and therapy diagnoses are none of your business and not the point.
khairete
S.

For all of the complaining, you're not really giving many details at all. Why do you think this little boy has "mental issues?" What else besides this one incident makes you hack on your BFF's daughter and grandson?

Why in the world would you make your 10 year old daughter be the one to deal with this boy at the door in the first place? She's not the one who ought to be responsible for setting the rules with this boy in YOUR home and he shouldn't be punished by you or your fiance for a lack of boundaries being set by you. That was supremely unfair.

Instead, YOU need to have a talk with this boy and let him know what's expected of your daughter at certain times of the day and that during those times he's not allowed to come to the door to ring the bell or knock. Give him specific times that he MAY ring the bell or call ahead to ask permission first. Tell him that those are your house rules and you'll be talking to his grandmother to make sure that she knows them too.

But seriously, if that little boy is knocking on your door at 9:00 PM then don't make your daughter deal with it. You need to call your friend and have them come get him and let them know "neighbors are complaining and you're afraid someone will call the landlord." Then if they don't start keeping him in check, start calling the landlord.

I think Suz T. is spot on. I'd be bringing him back to his apartment each and every time he rang the bell more than once. Let mom know that if your daughter wants to play, it will be on weekends and then he'll be invited over. Otherwise, he's to leave her alone. AND notify the landlord. What Dawn said is right... this kid does need containment. If he's running around and Mom has no idea that he's being a big pest, what other sorts of harm could he be getting into.

Oh, and you can disable the doorbell easily; take the cover off and put some tissue in between the hammer and the strike plate/chime. Problem solved.

Tape your doorbell or temporarily disable it.
Then just like Grandma T said....tell him directly and sternly, "NO. Not Now...perhaps tomorrow."

I applaud you for having your daughter on such an obedient schedule and it's amazing that she is so compliant, but what is the real reason she can't spend 20 minutes playing with the neighbor boy? Would that send him on his way?

It might take several times of opening the door by YOU, the mom and repeatedly telling him no until he gets it the first time.

And yes, for sure tell his mom, because all it takes is one pedophile to invite him and ruin him for life.

Best thing to do is nip it in the bud right away. Answer the door and say "we are busy" try us TOMORROW.

Do you have a landlord? Talk to him first. Ask the neighbors to talk to him as well. If the landlord has a tough talk about ALL the neighbors wanting her to keep her child in the apartment, instead of running around everywhere, it will mean something, especially if she chances having to lose her apartment.

A proper keyed lock needs to be installed to keep him from leaving the apartment. The child has not had limits put on him before, so he will not stop unless physically stopped. I don't know if the mom will work on dealing with the rest, but truthfully, right now, the child needs to be contained. This is what you should tell the landlord.

I do think that if this doesn't work, that you should pick up the phone and call EVERY time he rings the doorbell. I will bet money that if you call her ten times in 15 minutes to please come get her son, that she will stop letting him come. Yes, you will make her mad. But SO WHAT! Enough is enough. And I really think that your daughter needs to stop playing with him until he can learn to obey your rules.

L., stop worrying so much about upsetting her. This needs to be done.

Dawn

This is something his mother needs to know about, right away. It is her responsibility to teach HIM responsibility. I don't know what is stopping you from dealing with it right away... meaning, YOU go to the door and tell him that she cannot play and stop ringing the doorbell, and if he does not stop, you go to his mom. End of the issue (at least for that day).

Also, PERSONALLY, A child should not be alone like that at the age of 7, his mom needs to know where he is regardless, annoying or not... In FACT, his mom just may not want him around (gives her a break), so maybe his insistence is based on his mom telling him to go to your house.

You two need to talk. That mom needs to step up and shape up.

first of all this should no longer be the responsibility of your 10yo daughter, she has told him "no" now show her that "no means no" by stepping in and handling the situation for her, this will benefit her in the long run, I'm by no means trying to suggest that you are at fault here, but it is time for you to use this situation as a teachable moment for your daughter to set boundaries with others. By the sound of things I'm thinking that your daughter has no business having a relationship with this boy for any reason, at this time, if he is already showing signs of negative behaviors toward her I can't see that the relationship has any benefit for your daughter, her safety, emotionally and physically are the most important thing, and it is okay to stop the relationship. I feel that teaching children boundaries is very important and this boy is not respecting them.

as far as how to tell your friend, which was you original question, just be open honest about the situation, let the parent know that the behavior is unacceptable and if it continues that your daughter will no longer have play time with her son. if a 7 year old mentally challenged child is allowed to run around late at night, it is neglect on the parents part, please report it. Children need to respect adults, and if the child can not respect your limits then he needs to not be around, if and adult can not respect your limits for your child then they are not your friend. If the child's parent is at home when he comes over and is ringing the bell I would call her and tell her that you have told her son that your daughter can not play at this time and he is continuing to ring the bell can she please come get him, if the parent is not home then whoever is taking care of him needs to come get him, if no one is watching him then call the police, he is to young to be unsupervised.

All you do is tell her.

Or put a do not disturb sign on your door.
ALL the neighbors are complaining, as you said.

If she is not interested in caring for her son, at midnight no less then each and every person who observes her neglecting him needs to call either the police or child welfare and turn her in. This child sounds like a Down's child. They do everything by rote and if their wants are not met the just keep plodding along until the get what they desire.

I think until she is confronted with an official authority figure that has the power to remove her child she is not going to see how serious this issue is. Even then it will be the others fault, not her own. Until the authorities are involved and "make" her understand her faults she will continue to do this.

Even grandma will not make a difference unless she is a strong willed person who will take him and raise him if he is taken away from mom for the neglect she is obviously doing.

Even if my grandson is up until 4am he is not outside running around disturbing the neighbors. If this child is outside after 9pm, well, there are days of summer that are still light at 9pm but you get the idea. Then each and every neighbor that sees him outside without an adult needs to report it so that she can't lie and say someone is just saying things. The more that call the more credibility the state will have if they take him.

DO something NOW. I have seen this type of behavior and it always gets worse, not better. The Mother needs to deal with it. If she won't, then you need to make very clear lines of what you will allow and when you will allow it. It may even get to a point where you need to stop allowing this child to play with your daughter all together. (for safety sake) This young boy could end up being more than rude without the guidelines and guidance he is so desperatly needing. He could end up being violent, or stealing. I have seen it happen. More than once. It is NOT up to you to teach him right from wrong and how too act. If you choose to allow your child to play with him, you may be able to keep a very close eye on him and his behavior when he is with your daughter, but I promise you, as soon as he is not at your home or with you, he will act much differently. The boy NEEDS his own parent to guide him, and if you cannot get her to do it, them I would take whatever steps available to try to help him now, before he has hurt himself or someone else very badly. He has zero respect for others, or worse, for authority. Without intervention, I see a long life of problems for this kid AND his family. As difficult as it may seem, you are truly doing them all a favor. Good luck and hang in there! Always take care of your own first. Number one priority! <3