How to Help 14 Year Old Son, Who Has Lost a Classmate

I lost a friend in high school that was like my brother. I acted the same way when I first heard the news that he was gone it took about a week for it to set in and really hit me that he was no longer going to be there. My advice from what my parents did with me is just let him have a little time to let it set in but ask questions how he is doing would he like to talk about he will come around. After it finally hit I broke down and my parents were right there ready to listen and let me talk I know that you feel helpless my parents told me that they did to but he will come around and talk to you.

Hello J.,
I was so heart-broken to hear about the boy's death in the flood waters. And my heart goes out to your son. You know, kids don't always know how to express feelings in these situations. My question to you is, do you have a pastor or a youth leader that could perhaps counsel with you son? As his mother I would just make myself available. It sounds like you are a very busy woman and just setting aside extra time for just him would mean a great deal. Don't push him to talk. Let him share with you in his way and time. You and your son are in my prayers along with his classmates and the grieving family. God bless.

My daughter also knows the boy in Mesquite. We have just been very open with her. Kids this age don't get really upset until they see their friends. Just be very open with him and let him know you are there if he needs to talk. Then don't do all the talking, often time the word talking means realling hearing and responding. If you are people of faith make sure you go to church this Sunday. This is the best Sunday ever to understand death. It he is open to going to the candle lite tonight go. And be ready for more reaction on Monday after the first day back to school.

A.

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I have erased my entry twice!! I had a long story about losing my friend Corey to leukemia when we were in 7th grade. I think you need to talk to your son. Even if he doesn't respond, he's listening so just keep talking. Maybe prepare or buy food to take to the family--people need lots of help when they lose a child. Allow him to attend memorial services IF HE WANTS. If he doesn't want to go, don't force him. My family and Corey's family were very close so we went to their house a lot and I even went to visit them when they moved to England when I was 20 years old. I think your message has inspired me to locate them and see how they're doing--I haven't seen them in years. I'm so sorry for your son. it is very difficult to lose a friend so young and years from now he will still think about his friend, I still think about Corey a lot especially when i see how far we've come in leukemia research/treatment. He missed out on all of those things. Allow your son to write about it too--that helped me. My thoughts are with you all.

My children lost a friend that very same day, in a car accident on 544 (accident caused by the rain).

My kids are 11, 9, almost 6 and 3. The younger two aren't really "sad" b/c they don't quite get it -- but it has been very tough for our 11 & 9 year old (as well as many of the other kids in our homeschool group who knew the dear sweet girl who passed away).

We have just tried to let them cry, and answer their questions as best we can. They have been mourning, and are angry, but we are just going through the process and making ourselves available.

Like you, we encouraged our kids and a few kids from our homeschool group to get together so that they could talk about it with each other, and take comfort from each other.

We are getting our kids a memento , a stuffed animal like their friend had, something for them to remember her by - a happy memory that made their friend happy.

I think all that you can do is just be available. Hopefully at some point he will talk, or maybe he will just talk to his friends and counselors - but that is better than nothing. Just be there for him if he cries or mourns, just be there for him if he is angry, and just encourage him to celebrate the priveledge of having been a part of that child's life.

We also had our Pastor come over and hang out with the kids, that meant a lot to them.

I think that you are doing a great thing by being aware of the situation, being aware of his confusion and pain, and encouraging him to be with his friends. I think you are doing a great thing by being there for him and not pressuring him.

I pray that your son is able to get through this difficult time as "easy" as possible. Take Care & God Bless.

Be open to him when he needs you...which may be in the middle of the night when he is overwhelmed. Let him know that you are there for him. Encourage him to participate in any of the counseling services offered at his school. As a MISD employee, I can tell you that they will be available and they are prepared to help your son. If it becomes apparent that he needs provate counseling, they will make that recommendation. I also encourage you to consider that avenue on your own in addition to the school counseling, if your son is willing.
Above all...love him and pray for him. God be with you all.

My son lost a classmate in the 7th grade. His friend was checked out of school and shot by his step father. My son is great at hiding his true feelings. We took a walk through the woods and he wept. He asked many questions. Some I could answer and some I could not. I listened and allowed him to release. As he released, I prayed. I also provided him with a counselor (school and professional). I made sure that he was allowed to participate in his friend's memory. He was part of the team that established a bench in his classmate's memory. As you know, males are different from females. We tend to verbally communicate our feelings while they are taught to withhold their emotions. I learned to allow my son to release his emotions through sports and walks through the woods.

Now those walks through the woods are considered our special time. We take them once per month. He is now in the 9th grade.

Hi J.,

I have seen this story on the news the last couple of nights, and it is indeed a sad one. My prayers and thoughts are with the family and the classmates and community.

The best advice that I can give you is to seek some counseling for your son. Have him speak with a Pastor or Youth counselor if you are involved in a church, or another trusted adult if he will not speak with you. I would hope that the school would also offer up couselors at the school once Spring Break is over to also allow the children to speak with.

I can tell you that I lost my mother when I was 12, and I kept my feelings bottled up. It wasn't until a year later that the school realized that I was suffering from severe depression and finally intervened and had the school counselor start meeting with me one on one.

Encourage your son to talk about his feelings, and openly discuss death with him, especially any feelings that you have had from losing loved ones or friends. Let him know that losing someone is hard, and that the feelings that he is having are normal. You might even discuss the different stages of grief with him, so he know that anger, sadness, and denial are all a normal part of the process.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope this advice helps!

God Bless!
W.

How about getting him a personal journal/sketchbook and talk with him about death and dying to help him and yourself, identify the 7 stages. As he goes through them, reassure him of your love and suggest that he write his feelings down or draw them out. Whatever questions, concerns, affirmations that he may have, they can go into the book. If he chooses to share, GREAT!!!! If not, continue to be there for him and let him know that you care. In time, he may begin to share. Hopefully the school will have an open forum with counselors to help the kids cope and maybe something more specific and intimate for his band members as a tribute.

I lost a friend when I was a junior in high school. To this day when I think about it I get very sad. The one thing my mom did do was let me feel the way I felt. She didn't shrug any of it off by saying "He's in a better place. He's no longer in pain, or he shouldn't have been doing .......". She helped me participate in the funeral and made food for me to take to the family's home during the time of the wake and funeral. It made me feel like I could do something about it.

You really have to take queues(sp?) from your son. Just watch him. Boys aren't as vocal as girls sometimes and you have to observe them.