How Do You Prepare for Something like This?

Hi B.,

I am so sorry for your families loss. Nothing ever prepares you to lose a child. In June 2003 we lost one of our twin daughters. I was 28 weeks pregnant and had gone for what had become routine bimonthly ultrasounds with our perinatologist.( Our pregnancy was complicated because our girls were identical and shared a placenta and were not equally sharing blood, nourishment, etc) Anyways in a matter of minutes, as I'm sure is the case with your sister, our world was shattered. We were told one of our daughters was in distress and we would need to deliver immediately. We lost our daughter Emma later that night and Jillian had a long NICU stay, but by the grace of God is healthy and happy today.

The 2 pieces of advice I would offer is to be there not only tonight for your sister but for many years to come and let her do the talking and just listen and also to really take in what is happening all around you. The night my girls were born I was in shock and had very little memory of the night. Several months later I really needed to know a minute by minute account of what happened to help me grieve. So pay enough attention to details to be able to give her that if she needs it. My prayers are with you.

I have not been through this personally, but I know someone who lost three babies. It will be the most difficult for her emotionally, however, there will be some physical aspects for her to go through as well since she was a little further along this time.

My advice is to ask the nurses about her prior to going in to see her and ask them what to expect physically, so that you can help her in that area and be prepared for a wide range of emotions from your sister. Aside from the normal grief at such a loss, she will have a roller-coaster of emotions as her body tries to recover from the loss. Being patient and listening to her will be the best thing you can do.

She may have feelings of guilt as she struggles with trying to find the answer for the losses, as it is natural for the woman to blame herself. Remind her that she did not cause this and that she is a good mom.

I am so, so very sorry ... please just give her lots of hugs.

Also, don't be afraid to speak up and ask questions anytime a medical person is in the room talking to your sister (nurse, dr, whatever). Ask all the questions you want. I know she's your big sister and probably you are used to her being able to handle things, but her mind will be all over the place and she will appreciate someone else coming up with the questions and really listening to the answers. A lot will be blurry in her memory later, so if you can just remember everything the docs and nurses say, that will be a big help.

The nurses will not mind you asking them to go over anything with you again after the fact, either... just ask.

Try looking at the website angelsinheaven.com. It has a book, keepsakes, and useful information. The woman, Debbie, who runs it is local and can talk to you or yours sister if you need it.

Hi B., I also lost 2 babies both at 13 weeks. This was many years ago, but you never forget. I had tests done after the second loss. They found out I did not have enough progestrone to carry the babies in the second trimester. I had to have what is called a DNC. A procedure that cleans your uterus after pregnancy loss to avoid infection. She may have this done unless they feel that everything passes through. Just be there for support and pray for her. She will appreciate you being there.

I have not personally been through this, but I did go through a traumatic labor. I almost lost my life. You can click on my name to see my story in some other posts.

The one thing I advise is to never say "I understand" unless the exact same thing happened to you. That is the worst thing
anyone said to me. I understand the sentiment, but no one can understand their exact feelings until they've been through it themselves.

Just hug her and tell her that you'll be there for her whenever she needs you. Some days she may push you away, some days the opposite. Tell her it's ok to be sad...it's ok to cry. Also tell her that it's ok to be happy later on. Tell her it's ok for her to sad about this years from now. She is normal. Tell her to find a support group that she can join.

I pray for her and her family. Take care.

You have gotten some great advice already, I just wanted to throw something else in.

We lost a pregnancy about 2 years ago, and during that time I spoke w/ several friends who had also.

We all agreed that some of the more "helpful" things people said, were really quite obnoxious. For most of us, the day we found out and a few days after people would say, "It's ok, you can always try again" -- and first off , It WASN'T ok and at that point none of us wanted to think of trying again, we just wanted to process what was going on.

It's ok that you don't know what to say, b/c your sister probably knows herself that nothing you can say will "fix it" or "make it all better".

She probably just wants you to hold her hand and be there for her. To let her cry and say all the things she wants to say. She just wants your company.

The best thing you can do is be there for her. Help out with her other child. Make meals for her family the first few days she's home while her body is recovering. Help with the dishes and laundry. In situations like this, sometimes all that you can do are the *little things* like chores, but in doing that it'll really help her to rest and heal physically and take the unneccessary stress of cleaning the house away so she doesn't have to worry about it.

Her family is in our prayers :)

There is really no way to prepare for something like this. I lost my baby girl at 40 weeks. Just the same as your sister, I went to my appointment and there was no heartbeat. We immediately went to the hospital to induce labor with our baby that had seemingly passed away about 2 days prior.

It is difficult to process mentally. You don't really understand why it is happening. All I know is that I could not have done it without the support of my husband and the rest of my family. This happened six months ago and I have days when it doesn't cross my mind. But there are days when it is all I think about. Just be there for her. Listen to her and let her cry. It is helpful that she has another child. I have a four year old and he has been my light and source of strength. Everytime I look at him, I see what my Emily would have looked like and I feel closer to her. Her son will hopefully keep her engaged in life and active as my son has done for me.

Did she have the baby's room prepared? The one thing I wish is that my family hadn't taken down her room prior to my coming home from the hospital. They thought it would help me and make me not grieve as much, but I guess seeing it and touching it was one more way of saying goodbye.

I am praying for your sister and her family as she is going through this. It is the most difficult and surreal thing that I have ever been through as I'm sure it is for your sister. She will need your support.

If you or your sister need anything, let me know. I will PM you with my information.

-S.

My bestfriend's sister had the same issue and it was hard. Your sister is probably very scared. Hold her hand tight and assure her that you'll be there the whole way through. I'll be praying for you guys.

Hello B.,

I am very sorry, it is very hard to deal with this and the only thing that you can really do is to show your sister that you are there and that you support her. At this moment nothing is going to really make it better, but it is going to be a relief for her to know that her loved ones care enough to be there for her. She needs all the love, pampering, and support that she can get. Whatever you do, don't ask her what happened. Be strong...