Having a Scheduled Time

Could be that she is just making an excuse because her husband doesn't want her to go or he doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of the baby while she's gone. Some husband's are like that. Or it could be that she is a fairly new parent and just hasn't gotten adjusted yet to being a new parent. I don't usually cancel things just because it's nap time unless I feel that my daughter is going to have a meltdown if she doesn't get a nap. I have 3 kids so we have to be pretty flexible if we are ever going to get to go anywhere.

You can't always stay on schedule. With kids you have to be flexible. Now that I have twins, I have learned to be even more flexible. While we try to stay on schedule as much as possible sometimes we don't. You just try to do it the next day. I agree with you.

Hope that helps.

I too am a working mom. But I work nights part time. So when I'm off I try to use the schedule thing but most of the time fails because of my work situation. It take me a couple of day to get back on track but by then I have to go back to work. I try to live my life as normal as can be but dont limit myself to my children schedule. I have a bust life so if I was to limit myself around my children schedule I would never leave the house to see family or friends.

Hi O.,

I have almost 4 year old twins (B/G) and and a 1 year old (as of yesterday) girl and they are pretty much on a schedule. I think what is important to remember is that all parents need to do what works for them and their family. If your flexible schedule works for you and your kids...great. A flexible schedule may not work for your friend's child. With my twins we were on a very strict schedule (much to the dismay of many family members who thought we should be more flexible), had to be to keep my sanity. Like your friend, I was on their schedule and rarely altered it (until they were about 2 and could handle it). When we did alter it...say stay out late and get them to bed late...my husband and I paid for it during the night. To us it just wasn't worth it to get our twins off their schedule (made life more difficult...), we knew it was all temporary and we would have a life again :)). It is a completely different story with my one year old. She is incredibly flexible and can pretty much go with the flow (could have something to do with being the 3rd child....). I have her on a nap and eating schedule, but am not afraid to alter it at all. She missed her morning nap yesterday and I was afraid of a meltdown, but she did fine.

So, as I said earlier I think all parents need to do what works for their child. I know it can be frustrating, but all this is temporary and before you know it your friend will be able to be a bit more flexible with her child's schedule.

Not all kids will fall asleep on the road and can become very cranky when they miss their nap time! I find that staying on a fairly predictable schedule makes my daughter (9 mos) much happier than our previous "whenever" schedule (and keeps mama sane as well). When we're nearing the usual time for a nap, she gives me obvious cues that reassure me staying on a schedule is the right thing for us. Also with a routine, she knows what to expect on a daily basis (sleep, food, play) and we don't have any drama or struggles going down for naps & to bed at night.

Your friend is probably very selective about when she chooses to go off schedule, I know I am. And when I do, I prepare for it by allowing for naps at the regular times -- whether it be in the the stroller or a pack and play. When I try to push her beyond the schedule, she fusses and gets frustrated with everything and it eventaully winds down into tears.

O.,
I am like your friend. My daughter has been on a schedule since she was about 8-9 weeks old. I was given a book at a baby shower called "Healthy sleep habits, happy child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth that focuses on the importance of healthy sleep and sleep schedules. There are a lot of studies that indicate the quality of sleep one gets while on the go is less restorative and productive than in a quiet, darkened room. I always ask myself how well I sleep in a car or even a strange bed and how I feel when I wake up. Some children are more adaptable then others. Doctors have also found evidence showing that children who don't get enough quality sleep test higher for things like ADD. My daughter was a VERY colicky baby and I found that once I got her on a schedule she became happier and easier. My best friend is the complete opposite. Her daughter has always gone to bed late and they take her everywhere, forgoing naps and early bedtimes. I see a huge difference between our kids. My daughter sleeps 11-12 hrs each night and goes to bed without a fuss. Her daughter is a couple of years older and still doesn't sleep well at night and is always cranky, which is now a problem because she has started preschool. I have found that it is easier to plan my day because my daughter is on a schedule. If you would read that book it might help you understand how your friend feels. I do have some flexibility in our schedule, but not a lot. Of course there are special occasions where we alter the schedule, but I have noticed a huge difference in her afterwards. I have to admit that at times it is inconvenient, but it is for such a short period in my daughter's life that I'm willing to sacrifice. I know that I sound a little pushy and I hope I haven't offended anyone. Try to cut your friend some slack, okay?
L.

Hi O.,

I believe in schedules 100% of the time. It has made our lives much easier with both our children. They are 5 and 7. Schedules and routines are to be followed; otherwise, they don't work and the kids will get confused and won't follow them because they know they can break them. With naps, I would fall asleep before my son, he abolutely detested naps. If he didn't fall asleep by 1:00pm he didn't take a nap in the afternoon. By 7:00pm he was in bed. When he turned 2 naps stopped. So that showed me that he didn't need any naps anymore and my daughter did the same thing. When she turned 2 she didn't take any naps. They are in bed by 8:30pm every day. We made the decision that that was going to be our schedule and routine and we have to stick with it. We didn't go out at night, at all at the beginning. Now it is rare, we had come back home aroung 10:00 a few times, they are so exhausted and tired that they go to bed and fall asleep right away. It is such a treat for them to stay up until 9:00pm, they feel very special. I like the time the go to bed, I have some time alone and with my husband and they have enough time to sleep through the night until I wake them up at 7:00am to get ready for school. Your friend has all the reason to feel that way with her 9 month old, especially being the first one. But, keep inviting her though, she might surprise you one of these days!

We very rarely make exceptions to our 2 kids schedules. It is difficult as they both go to bed between 7 and 8pm. (6 yr old girl and 8 month old boy)

I know kids thrive when they know what to count on and schedules do that.

On occassion we have family over or go to other homes (family/friends) and we always let them know the schedule and we work around it. I don't think your friend OR you are being unreasonable.

If it works and your kids are healthy and happy that's good enough.

we also adhere to a very regular schedule. it takes something very special, like a wedding or traveling or an out of town visitor, for us to decide to alter it by more than a half an hour.

like you and your friend, this has caused some stress in one of our friendships - they can't understand why we are so rigid with our schedule while they are much more flexible with their child. is it a hassle? of course. does it limit my social life? absolutely. is it worth it for me? yep. our kid naps and goes to bed easily and regularly. she is happy and rarely cranky. the way i look at it, it is a finite situation. once the kid is older we can be more flexible, but right now we are forming good solid habits. i was afraid having her sleep 99% of the time in her crib would lead to an inability for her to sleep anywhere else but this has not been the case. at a recent wedding she fell alseep in the middle of the loud reception in her stroller within 30 minutes of her regular bedtime.

our more flexible friends have major naptime battles with their kid and lots of meltdowns that have the stamp of a tired kid.

at the end of the day every parent chooses the method that works for them.

I try to have my son asleep by 8, he is almost 8 months. However, if there is something going on I'm not going to alter my life dramatically to make sure he is asleep by then. To me, it's important for me to take care of myself as well, which includes getting out even if I have to take him. A couple weeks ago we had dinner with some friends. We left earlier than I would have had I not had a child but only because he was super fussy and wasn't falling asleep there and I don't want to annoy our friends. :P But we didn't leave until 9ish.

I would think your friend, especially being a stay at home mom, would jump at any chance to get out of the house and be with adults. Maybe I'm someone who takes too much care of myself, I left my son overnight with my mom when he was 4 weeks olds because there was something my husband and I really wanted to do and I was ok with leaving him. :P

Sorry if my response doesn't make much sense, but basically, I'm with you. :)

Every mom has different parenting techniques that she feels are in harmony with her child's traits and in its best interest. We all make difficult decisions for the benefit of our children; she opts to maintain her child's routine for reasons and consequences that only she knows and has to endure. While you may question her choices, she may be doing the same about yours. Every child is unique in its needs and the parents must meet them accordingly. Try to be more understanding of her situation - perhaps she has a baby who is not very adaptable and more inclined to be cranky if she/he does not get adequate sleep even for one day. Your friend is the only one who has to endure the repercussions of deviating from her schedule.

I try to have a set schedule for my 11 month old daughter and hardly ever make big adjustments, but I have reasons for this. My daughter doesn't sleep well in the car or in other places than our home, so the result is a crappy day's sleep makes a very grumpy child and a poor night's sleep which effects the next day's naps and the next night's sleep and so on. Pretty much...one day of staying up late changes everything for awhile, so I'm not going to change things unless it's for something really important. I understand how it is annoying for people that can be more flexible, but that's the way it has to be for us until she's at the age where she can handle lack of sleep better.

i have a friend like that and unfortunately i no longer make plans with her.... yes, we have to take good care of our kids but not have their "schedule" rule our lives as adults.....
a happy mom makes a happier kid....

Some kids are naturally scheduled; some kids are not. Some kids adjust to having their schedule disrupted; some kids don't.

My first son could sleep anyplace under most circumstances IF it was his regular nap time or bed time. He had a predictible routine from about 4 months of age as far as eating, sleeping and pooping. I could pretty much do anything I wanted and he'd still sleep fine. My husband put him to sleep, I put him to sleep, his sitters put him to sleep, his grandparents put him to sleep -- I'm pretty sure even complete strangers could have gotten this kid to sleep on a park bench overlooking a train station! So I went out a lot at night -- dinner with friends, dinner with husband, concerts, classes, etc.

My second son could only sleep in his car seat on the floor of our bedroom (NOT in the car!)OR curled up next to me in bed while I breathed on his face OR in my arms while I sat in the rocker -- not in the recliner, not in his daddy's arms, no changes, nothing. If it was his bedtime (or naptime) and I wasn't there to hold him or to put him in the car seat, forget it. Whoever was there was in for hours and hours of wailing until I came home. Then it took FOREVER to calm him down and FOREVER AND A HALF to get him to bed. Finally I decided that NO PLACE was worth going if he was going to be that miserable and I was going to be that miserable. So for 14 months, I didn't go anyplace during bedtime or down-to-nap time.

Back when I just had the one child, I was oh so smug when people told me how horribly their child reacted to changes in their schedule. I was so sure that it was poor parenting on their part. A really good mom (like me) could get their kid to sleep anywhere at any time.

Boy was I embarassed when I had the second child. Because he was so fussy, I was forced to consider just how 'good' a mom I was versus just how 'good' a baby the first one was. I soon realized that sometimes, no matter what, babies have their own opinions, needs, wants, demands . . . It's like they are their own seperate person or something!

But, now my boys are 15 and 12. Both will sleep anywhere and at any time. The first one is still more compliant and the second one is still more stubborn -- but now I can leave the house whenever I want.

And now, I wish I had some of those nights back, to cuddle my babies just one more time . . .

I have a 16 month old little boy and have become a very big fan of schedule...it keeps me sane! I do try to keep to that schedule as much as possible (always asking people for the time so I know when to feed my child) but like you said "life" happens. You have to give and take when you have children. It is very trying, tiring, and stressful to raise children and to limit yourself to so little is a tragedy to yourself as a person. Especially for a stay at home mom. Now I don't know her situation, but I could only imagine she doesn't get out much and it's soo..sooo important that she feels like a person too and not just a mother. I would ask your friend if she is unwilling to change the babies schedule even for 1 night maybe the hubby could stay home so she could get out and have some fun. Good luck to you and your friend!

You know, that's a hard call b/c some kids aren't good sleepers and they'd do poorly out and about like that- it just wouldn't be worth it if they turned into a monster. Some kids are more go with the flow and it doesn't wreck them. Do you know how her kids are? Or is she being too controlling?
So hard to say, but if your friend is happy, then you need to be okay with it.

I'm not sure what time the concert is but it seems to me that a baby who is 9 months old could be fed and put to bed by the father. Even is she is breastfeeding, she could pump and have him give it to the baby, therefore the baby is still on schedule and mom still gets to go out and have alittle fun.

I have a 4 month old girl and am experiencing the "Mommy Blues." I am the first one of my friends to have a child - so they don't really "get it" fully. The reason I say this is because "not wanting to change the baby's schedule" sounds a bit like a lame excuse. Maybe she's just really overwhelmed (like me) and is just saying that because she doesn't feel like going to the concert. I do admit to using the baby as an excuse (mostly to leave social situations.) I think when you're really stressed and are just craving time to yourself - its easier to blame it on the baby.
This might totally not be the case, maybe she really doesn't want to disrupt the schedule - but in any case you should respect her decline. If this is her first baby - she's probably just stressed and trying to do the best she can. It sounds like you are really well adjusted to having kids - not everyone is like that.
Hope that helps.

I have friends who are the same way. Yes, this isn't realistic. I believe it's definitely okay to change a baby's routine in order to not miss certain events. I sure did that.....not every day, but every so often. Hope this helps a little.

All I can say is you have to have your kids be on your schedule. I have 4 daughters for age 27 to 10 years old
we have always tried to make everything. Sometimes there nap was in the car or whereever we where. But they have gone up to be a wonderful persons. They just go with the flow. So do what ever works for your family. You will miss alot if you are always on your kids schedule.

I think it's great that you are flexible with your children's schedules. As you said, life happens, and isn't it therefore important to raise children that can handle fluctuations. It frankly makes me crazy when people are so regimented...I worry about how their kids will fair in a life that requires flexibility and compromise. If it makes you feel better we sometimes stay at our friends house until 11-12:00pm with our 3 and 6 year old, (of course never on a school night). Then we just sleep in and take naps when necessary. Enjoy life!

I think the whole schedule thing is a parent's choice. some people are more rigid and require more standardized routines than others. both of my girls were on their own schedule for the first two years. this resulted in many naps in cars and some very late nights for me. this works with how i choose to live my life. i don't think i would be happy if i was a slave to the crib. then again, it would be nice to know i could be in bed at 9pm every night instead of up with the 20 month old until midnight because she had a long nap. maybe moderation is the key to happy child raising. it's too bad your friend couldn't go with you (and maybe she nervous about asking her husband to watch the baby, or maybe he refuses?)
S. p

I think that there are two schools of thought on this. One is to center the parents' lives around the child and the other focuses on incorporating the child into the parents' lives. I sympathize with both schools, frankly. I have a two-year-old boy who is on a set schedule. All goes smoothly when we adhere to it, and the consistency of it comforts him. However, we parents also have events to attend that are important to us and occasionally have to disrupt his schedule to do so. He is fussier the next day and it takes about a day to get back into sync. We don't do it too often, but I think that it is important for parents to have social lives, too. Perhaps your friend has just found a schedule that fits her child and needs to get it firmly established before she feels comfortable going out at night. I'd just give her some encouragement and time.

If your friend runs a tight ship, let it be & invite another friend to go with you to your concert, but please don't make her feel bad for wanting to maintain a tight schedule. She may have a fussy baby who really thrives from the structure that mom is providing by the schedule. All babies and families are different. It's great to have children who can easily adjust to changes in the day, but some children really rely on a strict routine.

I am just like you O.. And yes, I have friends just like yours. Sometimes I get a little bummed out when situations like this arise, but when I really look at it.....I am being a bit selfish. I do miss spending time like we used to before kids. Maybe just tell your friend how you really feel: you really want to spend time with her.
I guess in the end, we just have to respect that all of us are different and each way of parenting can be look at as good or limiting for the child. But each parent's difference is why we have such a great diverse community :o)

~C.

I think your friend is being a bit unrealistic. There are times that your child is off their "schedule" it's okay. She must take time for herself. Why can't her husband watch the baby?

Hi, O.:

First, I'm sure that because you have been a mom for some time that the "schedule" thing is something that you have become more relaxed about, but remember back to when you were a first-time mom. You probably wanted to be around while your babe slept, etc. This is most likely where your friend is with this. I know that I, as a relatively new, first-time mom am pretty into my daughter's routine, and probably moreso than a lot of other new and first time moms.

For one, I breastfeed my daughter on "demand", so I would find it very challenging to leave her at night when she really wants the comfort of knowing that I'm there (she does not use a pacifier). Also, I have found that putting my daughter to bed around the same time every night (between 7 and 7:45pm depending on the length of her nap, which is usually once from around 1:30 to 3/3:30)gives her the full 12 hours sleep that little ones need to rejuvenate as well as encourage healthy brain development and a highly functioning immune system .

Finally, just know that it is not that your friend doesn't want to go with you; it is moreso that she feels very strongly about being around for her child's routine (and her babe is, afterall, quite new). There will come a time when you and your friend will be off to nightime activities again.

Best,

L.

HiOlivia,

From my experience I find that children with a very strict schedule tend to become stressed when something does come up that changes their "routine". Therefore, I believe that somewhat of a routine is good but they need to know how to adjust to change without causing stress..........your friend should consider lightenting up and living a little. Someday her child will go to school and go to work and realize that the world is far beyond routine.......
My yougest was born with a 5 yr old sister and 7 yr old brother and keeping up with soccer practice and little league meant napping in the car!!!

working mom with 16 yr old girl 11 yr old girl and memories of 19 yr old son married 13 years!

We do as you do, even more so! Life happens, and kids are along for the ride. I have a newborn and a 2 year old. We go through phases of having a regular routine, when bedtime is around 9 and nap is at 2. It is the basic plan. However, she's always been welcome to come out with us to dinners with friends, restaurants, music, etc. If 11 pm arrives and she's still awake, it's no big deal. It hasn't been that hard to readjust her after a late night, and it's been great to have her along with us, AND to have her be flexible so when these situations come up, she can totally manage herself and isn't thrown for a huge loop. That's just how we do it. She can stay up late, sleep late, etc. We're not strict about it. Even if we're just home watching movies. we don't turn it off, put her to bed, and go on with our night. She hangs with us, usually till we all go to bed.

I have been in similar situations with my girlfriend from time to time, not understanding why she had to be so 'rigid' all the time, but then...I'm not suffering the consequences if her baby's schedule is messed up. Some babies do well with change and can go with the flow. Some babies absolutely do NOT. There are also those times when mom and dad are trying to implement a change, during which a shift in schedule could make everyone take a step backwards. I would suggest just having compassion for your friend and hoping that, for her sanity, at some point things even out for her in a way that allows her to occasionally work things around her own schedule. For now, she feels like being a good mother means not messing with her baby's schedule, and we can all understand wanting to be the best moms we can be, however that manifests itself.

i am like your friend. i don't know if it's the right thing to do. but, i do alter my schedule so that my twins can stay on theirs. i have missed out on going to events due to conflicts in bedtime routine. for our family, it's just easier if we stick to the schedule. there are instances where i have just had someone else put the twins to bed because it was an event i couldn't or really didn't want to miss. it's h*** o* them, but at least they are going to bed at home where they are comfortable. and usually it's grandma or daddy putting them to bed. it's a hard thing, but i know that being flexible with a set routine or schedule is important for children. i think you and your friend both have the right idea. it's whatever works for your respective families.

Remember all parents parent differently. As frustrated as I know you are, PLEASE let her do what SHE thinks is best for her and her family. Sh may change her mind down the road as her baby gets older, but then again she may not, and that's OK. She's the mama of her unique baby and your the mama of your unique baby.

First off I want to say good job on keeping your kids on schedule. I my self kind of have a hard time with that.
I am a very social person. I love going to family functions and events. When my kids were born I had them on a schedule that had about an hour to hour and a half leway either way. I was alway busy I was with thier dad but still more or less a single partent so they were always with me and yes I move the boys schedule to fit me to an extent. I also was a mom that vacumed and played loud nosies while they were asleep, we also had loud trucks that they needed to be able to sleep through. I had friends that stopped in all the time to see what was up. I have always had on open invitation for friends and family to come by and see me the boys or whatever. Now don't take me the wrong way at that my house wasn't the party house, just a friendly place to be no drugs and maybe once every two months we would have a drink.

In doing that my kids undersand that life happens and they may not get to bed right on time every night and some nights they may go to bed early its whatever life brings us. Now that my kids are in school they are very social and understanding when the teacher changes their class schedule. Talking with the teacher thier are kids that panic when something is not right one time.

Life don't always go on the time schedule you want so to teach your kids that it does I think would give them problems later.

Raising children is such a challenge. It's hard for everyone in different ways. I personally believe that my children have to adjust to my schedule (or lack thereof). I don't see myself conforming to a schedule, so my babies aren't on one.
I have many friends with small children and I never understood the whole deal with not being able to make parties, concerts, etc because of nap or bedtime.
But everyone does what they can to survive the hell that is the first year of your first babies life.
Experience tells you that everything's going to be okay, but maybe your friend isn't there yet. She'll likely get there. Hopefully.
I've had friendships affected by to this schedule thing. It's really unreasonable for someone to expect you to change the time of your childs birthday party to accomodate their childs naptime. This happened to me with more than one mom. It's hard to maintain relationships with people who are never available to spend time with others.
But I think this is how some people deal with the crazyness, and I see nothing wrong with other peoples coping mechanisms.

Hi, Here's 2 things I've learned over the years. If a mom doesn't want to be a little flexible with "the schedule", it may just be that it's been too much work for her to get the child back on schedule. Or, It's a great excuse to use your children's "schedule" to get out of things you don't really want to do. In any case, it's all about the mom and not really the child. I suggest you have a real talk with her and find out which it is.

sounds like me and one of my friends. Unfortunately it is disappointing when you want to spend time with your friend, but it is her choice that she will have to live with. She will be the one with a cranky kid when something unavoidable happens and your kids will continue to be sweet in that same situation because they are used to a bit looser schedule.

When I was pregnant with my first I went to parenting classes that strongly discouraged child-centered parenting for the best interest of the family. I have my children's best interest at heart, but my life will not center around only their needs for the next 18 years (actully 29 years now with the age difference). They've learned that mom gets playdates sometimes too... I believe in schedules and I agree that flexability is also important.
Having changes once in awhile doesn't sabatoge the schedule they become accustomed to.