Do You Ask or Wait?

I have had to learn to ask. I used to be in Scarlett's position, until I finally demanded that he learn how to apologize. It only took 19 years, but he sorta can now.

Well unfortunately for me, my eyes speak better than my mouth. So all it takes is a look, and I don't even mean to give it, and he knows if he has crossed the line. Apologies don't come too often, though I do LOVE when I hear the words "you were right." LOL

I am STILL waiting for an apology or two or ten or a hundred for all the things he's not apologized for over the past 4 years. "I'm sorry" really isn't in his vocabulary unfortunately. But It's not in my nature to tell him "You need to apologize for __." I'm not his mom. I do teach my son to apologize.

I normally apologize quickly, but with his lack of apologizing, I sometimes dont' say a thing, since that's what he does to me. Petty? Maybe. But if saying you're sorry isn't important to him to say, then I guess it's not important for him to hear. If he told me that i needed to apologize to him, I'd likely bring up the hundreds of times he hasn't apologized to me.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAHAHA!

I have never asked. And I am still waiting for one from things that happened three years ago. My husband is rarely wrong, according to him.

I could say "hey, that really hurt my feelings when you said that", like another poster suggested. His likely response: sorry BUT, you need to quit being so sensitive"

And I, like you, am pretty quick to apologize if I know I was wrong. I am not perfect at it.

Like another post says, men don't take hints and can't read body language very well. So, instead of asking for an apology, or waiting for one, tell your husband that he hurt you and how.

My husband is amazing, but sometimes I'm surprised at how clueless he can be. I've found the most success in all our communication when I am straight forward with how I feel and how he can fix it.

To me, asking for an apology is really almost the same thing as asking for a compliment. If I have to tell you to do it, it's really not worth anything. Maybe that's silly, but it's just the way I feel. Also, just because I am offered an apology, doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to accept it & it CERTAINLY doesn't mean I'm immediately going to be over whatever it is that caused the issue in the first place. It's a starting point, sure, but that's about it.

I have learned that if I wait for something (pretty much anything with the hubs) it doesn't happen. He's actually a really giving and good person, but if I don't come right out and say that I am hurt and need an apology he just assumes we're "okay".

He told me early on in our relationship that he doesn't do "hints"... flat out told me that I wanted or needed something to just ask. It works for us- no surprises, but at least I'm not disappointed b/c he didn't pick up on my 1000 clues. Having said that, the man DID surprise me this year with an amazing SLR. I had been wanting one for years, but refused to spend that kind of $$ when we had a perfectly good camera already. I was literally sobbing- not so much over the camera, but the fact that he really surprised me (we don't exchange gifts).

Why let it fester - if I didn't like what he said, I tell him - Hey, that hurt my feelings. And he says sorry. It's better to point it out and get it over with.

Apology or not... I EXPECT, that the offending person, KNOW that what they did was wrong.
And to, not do it again.

It is not about the "apology" per say... BUT THAT... the person KNOWS darn well... that what they did, was not acceptable in any way.

AND I make my point. To him. Clearly. And, firmly.

Mine's better with actions than words. When he screws up the house is SPOTLESS and my car gets washed. He's pretty smart so he doesn't screw up often but when he DOES it's usually on the BIGGER side.

With my hubby, he won't appologize until he is ready. I personally don't want one unless he means it and he comes to the conclusion that he needs to say it. So, I wait....I don't dwell on it, even if he doesn't give me one, I still forgive. I am not the type of person to hold onto things and let them fester. Life is toooooo short for that nonsense. GL

As for me, I am a super apologizer---if I am wrong, I am the first to admit it and say a truely heartfelt apology.

M

I don't think I do either.

I really despise (what I perceive as an) insincere apology. The, "I'm sorry, now get off my back" deal.

I do want to be heard. He doesn't have to agree with my "stance" but it's important for me to know I was generally understood/listened to. Sometimes things don't make a whole lot of sense. I mean, I can feel upset about really small things. He doesn't have to agree that it's rational, I just want him to understand that when he ______, I felt ______. So that's what I ask for, an opportunity to hear me out. And then I'll do it back for him.

Not that that always happens. It's just what I want and feels best.

i suppose it doesn't matter what they say they're thinking that they were right cause men are always right in their heads. i always bring it up. and then i always get an apology immediately... i'll train him to do it on his own just like i trained him to put the seat down on the toilet and put the dishes away where they go not just anywhere... still working on him to not leave his shoes in the middle of the floor but hey what are you gonna do? can't win every battle right?

Never have to do either one. The moment he feels he's gotten out of line or said/did something wrong or something as simple as being wrong about when a song came out, he says sorry. I do the same for him.

R., can I just copy and paste your answer to the question here?

DITTO!

usually if Bob's messes up - he will apologize...there are times when I have told him that he owes the boys an apology if he did something bone-headed with them.

I too am quick to apologize if I've done something wrong or hurt someone by accident...

There may have been once or twice in our 16 years together that I have told him he owes me an apology...but if I get it? it doesn't sound as sincere if he does it on his own.

So I emailed Troy an hour ago. I just realized my plates expired last month and we are driving through Illinois tomorrow. :( I was afraid my tires would not pass inspection so I wanted to know where he would prefer I grab the tire money from. He has not emailed me back.

Why? Because I emailed him and he knows damn well I will call him if I really need him.

He will apologize to groveling level when he checks his emails. Yeah I know, he didn't do anything wrong. So you can imagine I don't have to wait very long when he actually does something wrong. :)

I apologize the minute I realize I did something wrong.

I always wait for an apology. Luckily, my husband usually knows when he needs to apologize. However, if he doesnt, I make it known to him how unhappy I am and he gets the hint.

I think if the apology is not coming from your husband but is forces out of him - what good is that kind of apology?

My Mom is like you, words mean sooo much to her. Not to me. I prefer actions. I am not interested in apologies. My husband apologizes, I guess, I never pay attention. If he fixes what he have done wrong - OK, no problem. I never apologize and never explain myself. That's just me. Except, maybe, when I really believe I did something wrong, which is not too often.

I would never ask for an apology, the how would you know it's actually genuine? The apology comes naturally after the calm and often lengthy conversation over the issue.

I'm kind of in the camp that if you need to ask for an apology, what good is it? I mean really, anyone above the age of 6 knows when they should apologize, right?