Different Ideas of a Good Weekend

I was a SAHM for 4 years and always wanted to be on the go go go every weekend. A lot of times my husband would want to just be at home and relax but would be a pretty good sport about it and still go out. Now I've gone back to work full time and when the weekends come, I just want to stay at home and relax...kinda makes me feel a little bad about not letting my husband have done that as much.

It sounds like at the very least the 8 year old should participate in a little cleaning after herself.

I have learned to accept a little mess as part of life. I prefer everything clean before going to bed, but some nights are just not that way.

Three thoughts:
1. Manage your week better so your weekends are free.
2. Just because he works outside the home doesn't equal no responsibilities outside of his "work week."
3. IME, men aren't good at looking around & seeing what needs to be done...so tell him. Specifically. Often.

We were both working when our son was little.
It seemed like nothing ever got done - there was always a mess to clean up somewhere.
So leave it.
When the weekend comes - pack everyone into the car and get out and do something - ANYTHING - so you are all out of the house doing/seeing something fun together.
One year we did something every weekend - zoo, aquarium, fire house open house, another fire house had a pancake breakfast every Sat, church rummage sale, community flea market, a petting zoo, county fair (we were close to 3 counties and we went to each fair), a museum, a farm park, a corn maze, pick your own pumpkin/hay ride, a small drive on the Blue Ridge Parkway, Luray Caverns, etc.
It didn't matter how big or small it was - the point was we got out of our rut and explored something.
Everyone felt better coming home - no matter what mess was waiting for us - it was still there when we got home and we felt better about dealing with it after our collective fun was had.

Could you do your household work during the week while he's at work, leaving the weekend for family time and maybe a quick tidy up? I can see why you're a bit resentful, but I can also see why he wants to relax-he worked all week! If he and or the kids are trashing the house while you're gone, though, THEY need to clean their messes up!

What is going on during the week that you can't get the chores done during the week? When I was in your position that was one of the biggest benefits was being able to have all the chores done during the week so we could focus on family time and ensure DH had time to unwind.
As for the house being trashed if your gone for a hour, I can relate to this. I layout that I expect the house to look just as it did when I left.

Ha ha I can relate. Mine likes to nap and I'm like "really?".

I want to get out and do things, he just wants to flop (out and busy all week and chauffeur to kids activities during the week).

So yes, we compromise. So long as we do something family oriented and sometimes a household "to do" list item, we're good. And he and I take some time to ourselves. Even if it's just hiding from the kids with a coffee or a beer :)

Compromise. Reschedule your chores in a way that you a) relax your standards of what constitutes "clean" and b) involves others in chores so it's not all your responsibility.

I'm not sure what you mean by a "trashed" house in an hour - does that mean the kids got out a bunch of toys? See that as a plus! Get everyone down on the floor to play with puzzles or Match Box cars or whatever it is. Play a board game that's age appropriate. Let them spread out with the stuff they can't do during the week. But that means Dad turns off the golf game and gets down on the floor with them.

Set aside an hour for family cleaning, and divvy it up into teams. "Clean your room" is too hard for most kids because it's too broad, but putting each older child in charge of backpacks (weekly clean-out), lunch boxes, put shoes in the closet, and collect dirty clothes. One kid puts a load of wash in the washer (with supervision perhaps) while others (even the little one) play "matchy matchy" with the clean socks and underwear from the load of wash you did yesterday. Two year olds can match socks into mates, 4 year olds can fold them together, 5 year olds can fold and stack underwear according to owner. Dad can take 1 kid and a basket to the room to put away - not just put the basket on the bed. You can take another kid and do the same. Set up a dust-and-vacuum or yard work brigade the same way - some kids recycle the newspapers or pick up the sticks in the yard while older kids and adults vacuum or rake or dust the breakables. Little kids can sort silverware from the dishwasher while adults do the glassware. And so on. Make a game of it - you'll find each chore only lasts a short time if everyone is part of it. But you also have to allow people to do things not so perfectly.

For sitting on the couch, find a family movie that all can enjoy, and try to find pleasure in sitting on the couch if everyone is doing it together. Include one activity out of the house every weekend for a few hours, and get Dad to buy into it. If it's more involved like a full day trip, then only do that every other weekend. Get everyone outside a little bit for a nature walk or a bike ride or a little soccer-ball-kicking in the yard. Set aside some golf time for Dad too - but help him understand that it's not a major spectator sport! He can be introverted and you need to respect that, but he doesn't get to ignore his children either.

Also work together to explain that "work all week" is something you do as well. If you can plan a full day away or a weekend with a sister or some girlfriends, it will help him have respect for what it takes to run a household. But that means you have to allow him to get the job done as he wishes. Sometimes if we have a certain way we feel things must be done, it's an unattainable standard that makes others say they don't want to bother trying because they know we will let them down. But you work a lot more than 40 hours so he has to as well. I never understood why a working man didn't feel he had to do anything on weeknights - dishes, baths, bedtimes, whatever it is. I don't buy it that they're just so tired they can't do anything beyond their regular jobs. They helped make those kids, so they can help raise them.

Seems common no matter if you're a SAHM or working mom. Kind of makes me laugh when you say you're resentful bc you still have so many chores on weekends. I worked full time and out earned my husband and still had chores on weekends. Not like working moms act like working dads on weekends... You decided to have 3 kids so weekends are not going to be relaxing for a couple of years. If you get zero time to yourself during the week, maybe up the hour you get on weekends to two hours a day and make sure your husband gets the same and then the rest of the time is a dual effort. You both should get a little downtime. If you come home to mess, make them all clean with you or they clean while you take care of the 1 year old.

So why not make it family cleaning time, have everyone help you through the week (since you don't have time for chores, either), or ask DH to do things like dishes so you don't have to. IMO it doesn't sound like different ideas on how to enjoy a weekend, but different ideas of what it means to be full partners in house and home and kids.

And then, if it is no longer about the chores, you do your thing some of the time and he does his. My DH is extroverted and go-go-go. He has a weekly thing he does on weekends and I encourage him to go to it...while I watch TV or whatever I want. Sometimes we do things as a matched set and sometimes we do things as individuals or subsets of the family.

ETA: The 8 and 5 yr old can learn to put it away or earn it back. My DH was a single dad and used to not have full custody of his kids. On his weekends, he'd let the kids make a mess...until a friend said, "You know, my parents never made me clean up, either...." DH thought about that friend's place and started working with his kids. They were never pin-neat, but they learned to put stuff away. With my DD (6), it often helps to break it up or make it a game. "I bet I can find more pairs of shoes than you can in 10 minutes" or "Put all the stuffed toys back in the bin before the commercial break is over." Stuff that is not tidied up in the timeframe you give them can be put in one of those "Uh, oh, Mom got your stuff" bins.

Sometimes spending time with your family and relaxing after a long workweek is more important than having a clean house.

different is good.
this just needs a little tweaking. for starters, look at the positives. you've got a working man (i'm always taken aback by how many women post here about men who *can't* find jobs) and he's doing okay if you get to be a SAHM. your work is just hard and far more unrelenting than his, but oh, how i'd have loved to be able to do it.
so let him have his unwind time without having resentment beaming at him. good husband!
but i too would be annoyed at coming home to chaos. can you re-direct your resentment THERE, where it's appropriate, instead of at your husband's need to have some brain-free veg time? express to him how much you DO want him to be able to chill out on his own terms, but that you need it not to create extra work for you. surely that's a do-able conversation. it may involve recruiting friends, family or a daddy's helper to entertain the troops while you work out and he has a couple of hours of happy tv or internet surfing.
but there should also be some time of family getting-the-chores-done-together and family fun on the weekends. don't demand that your husband get psyched about it. if he's both introverted and tired, it may be out of his comfort zone, but you do want him to be involved with you and his kids in a positive way. and i'd present it like that, in an upbeat positive fashion. don't succumb to the temptation to be accusative and angry.
i'm not sure what it means that 'only the youngest' is being watched. what happens to the other kids?
khairete
S.

We enjoy our weekends independently. He sits around the house relaxing, watching sports and playing computer games. I take the kids places and have a good time. I sometimes leave him a to do list since he is staying home, and he usually manages to do it. I would never sit around at home just because that is what he wants to do. I would go crazy!

ETA: Does your gym have a babysitting service you can take advantage of, rather than leave the kids home to tear the house apart?

I have a policy that I only "cook" one meal a day (except I do make a special breakfast on the weekend if I feel like it). Breakfast and lunch is easy stuff they can get themselves, such as cereal, sandwiches, yogurt, hard boiled eggs (I keep in the fridge). This policy really cuts down on meal prep time.

I've been in the same boat as you, but a messy playroom doesn't bother me so much. I consider one of the benefits of a playroom to be that you don't always have to pick up and can just close the door if you don't feel like cleaning up. Working and commuting takes a lot out of a person so I never pushed much when it came to doing a lot of activities on the weekends. As your children get older, all of the extracurricular activities will eventually force your husband to be more active on the weekends - whether he wants to or not.

Working or not, you will both be drained and want down time on the weekends. Sometimes my husband is like super man and is WAY ahead of me on the cleaning, and other times I have to lose my marbles for people to help. The kids (11, 9, and 8) all have chores, that they have had for the past 3-4 years, which help with the surface clean of the house. They take them 5-10 minutes each a couple of times per week.

We are normally busy with our kids activities on weekends as well, so sitting at home isn't a huge option, and we would all rather be outside playing basketball in the driveway than cleaning as it is. If we do our chores in an hour or two we can go play and not come home to a mess.

Per your SWH - if the 5 and 8 year old don't want to clean their toys from the toy room they no longer get access to it. They can both keep their rooms tidy and help get their clothes to the washer. The 8 year old can vacuum and the 5 year old can pick up prior to that. Both can unload the dishwasher and wipe counters. Just find things they might enjoy and rotate them....but you definitely need help from them.

Sit down and be honest with your husband about what you need from him on the weekends. When I do that my husband normally gets it.

We work from home running our company. We BOTH work on chores that need to be done in the house as well.

Example.... if I am having a busy day with AP/AR and reports to be completed, he may unload the dishwasher and tidy up the kitchen. He gets up very early and works in his office upstairs... typically on Tuesday mornings he is very busy so I roll the garbage carts to the curb.

I hate outside work and my hubby likes outside work so I do more inside work and he does most of the outside work.

We both watch golf, go to the golf course, and do things to relax on the weekend as well.

How old are you children such that you are still catching up with chores on weekends? Your children also need to learn how to help with chores. What do you do all day as a SAHM to have chores leftover? Carve out some big chore to tackle daily, keep things picked up and neat. You don't have to have a house ready for the white glove test daily either. Enjoy your house and your family. You can do this. It is called balance.

There is a lot of compromise. I suggest better communication between the two of you so you each know how you each truly feel and understand any unknown expectations of each other.

You both need downtime. Although you are SAHM, you are working inside the house during the day... he is working fulltime outside the home daily and also needs to unwind.

This is why I only sah until the kids were in school. Make it family time. Make one day you do stuff together and the other day you relax.

What works for me is to rethink my 'weekend'. I'm a SAHM too and what helped me was to claim my 'weekend' during a couple weekdays, when my son is at school. Maybe talk to your husband about getting some part time childcare for the baby, if you can afford it, and do some things which nurture you or recharge you. I have one child with some pretty high needs for attention and managing the house, everyone's needs (husband, son and I all have rather differing temperaments on what we like to do during our downtime, so coming up with a plan which considers everyone is my job) and all the other stuff can take up a lot of mental space for me. For me, that's what does me in-- constant activity; the guys thrive on it.

I'm the introverted one, so I encourage the guys to go do some fun things without me and get a breather that way. I also ask my husband to be in charge of planning dinners most weekends; I take care of most of the other household chores and my son is expected to help. I also know that when I let go of being in charge of meals, I don't get to complain, only offer to help. So if he wants to go out for dinner one night or get take out, that's his prerogative; he works hard for us and earns the money, so if we can afford it I'm not going to complain.

One of the best things I've done over the years is to stop second guessing my husband on what he does when he's 'on' with our son. I used to fuss over what sort of snacks he'd pack or where they were going-- I've let go of how they spend their time together because I trust that my husband has good judgment and hey, none of us are immune to mistakes.

As for going out and coming home to a trashed house, I'd talk with your older kids about that. Let them know before you leave that "I expect that whatever you get out needs to be put away before you move on to something else. When I get home, expect that we will have a clean-up time, so keep that in mind." I connect jobs to 'treats'... this weekend Kiddo earned his media time twice on Sunday by participating in chores: unloading groceries, taking out the trash and recycling, tidying up his room, getting some homework finished, etc. No fun until the work is done; but I also break up the work times so that he doesn't really have more than two bigger jobs AND I keep those to when I can be available to help or check in with him. So, that's something else to think about. Good luck! It's not easy...

I suggest you assign him some chores. It's his house too.

I have to say that I don't put up with this sort of treatment. I get loud and I get mad and everyone knows it.

I came home a few days ago from a ladies meeting at church because I didn't feel good, I nearly passed out in the chapel so we girls came home early.

I went and laid down as soon as I walked in the door and told hubby that I had to go to sleep and the kids were on him. I slept for about 10 hours straight.

When I got up my sewing stuff was all over the living room, pins in the carpet, patterns on the floor, fabrics pulled off the bookshelf, etc.....I don't know if the neighbors heard me or not but my family sure did. I yelled at him first of all because he was the one responsible. I told them that every single person in that house was being watched by him and that he'd allowed them to make a mess and he better get his butt in there and make darn sure every single item was picked up and put up where it went, that I had better not have to hunt for anything.

I reminded him, loudly, that he wasn't a child and was a responsible adult and he had not paid any attention to what the kids were doing.

His response was "I thought XXXXXX (oldest kid) was watching them....I got a little angrier and asked him what "You have the kids" meant. I reminded him that I told him I didn't feel well and that I was going to bed and he had the kids.

He got up off his lazy hiney and made the kids clean up. Every single item was put up right.

Why did I react like this? Because I am no ones doormat. I am NOT their servant. As long as you allow them to treat you like you don't matter the more and more and more they will treat you like you are nothing.

my hub is exactly the same.. he works full time.. I work part time 3 or 4 days a week. when he gets home.. he is in his lazy boy chair from 430 pm to 10 pm.. it is crazy. on the weekend he can sit in that chair from 8 am till 10 pm.. TV reading.. video games..

while he is relaxing I am cooking cleaning laundry taking kids places... pet care.. you name it...

If I take the kids up for bath stories.. all that.. the dishes will sit on the counter .. unless I specifically aske him to load the dishwasher... seems like he could figure it out..

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
-Doer's or laid back relaxers
-Organized or not
-Uber motivated or way laid back
-cleaner freaks or less than clean ppl

See the main theme?
Sounds like you can get a lot done & he's not wired that way.

ALSO, he works outside the home & with what I've seen w/my hubby,
that takes a lot out of him so I try to adjust & work around that schedule.

Which means, I get all the housework done during the week that I can
while kids at school, husb at work & youngest down for a nap.
Then I run errands either when hubby gets home or when I can take just
youngest before nap & before older kids get home from school.

I take my down time when hubby gets home from work after he's eaten &
rested for awhile & weekends. Do I come home to a messy house w/kids
all over the place? Oh God yes! But here's how I look at it: hubby isn't
me, he's tired from working all week & being away from home & we do
things differently.

So I try to work w/in those confines. I take "my break" when I can when
he's home to watch the kids & isn't dog tired.
I've adjusted my expectations. I do not expect to come home from my time out to a clean house & kids being watched like I do. I just want everyone safe from harm.

Then I clean up. It's easier for me to whip the house back into shape than get myself worked up into a tizzy yelling at the kids. That being said the older kids know to put their clothes/toys away from the most part. However, I like them to have their fun/relaxing time w/their dad AND the rest from their school weeks.

Weekends in our house are for resting first, sports, occasionally going somewhere together, doing things I can't normally get done & once every blue moon I do something for myself like meeting a friend or a rare pedicure! ;)

Again, adjust your expectations, compromise (this part is huge), do what you can when you can, allow for some relaxation for hubby, know that we are all different & operate differently. Sounds like he's an introvert that likes to be/relax/re-energize at home where you like to do things, get things done. Again.....the key here is compromise. Let hubby relax & get some downtime, plan a short family event together on a Sunday like going for a short hike or going out to lunch. Then you take some time for yourself on the weekend.

I've become a homebody since I'm older now with kids. I was never ever like this & I don't get "psyched" to go do things w/ppl anymore. Or big family events. I like to relax w/my immediate family & really enjoy the time.

So compromise, do for yourself when he's home, give him some space to relax in, realize you're diff people w/diff needs and it's all ok! Enjoy your family & be happy. Life is short & meant to be savored every day! Best wishes & remember to work w/i the parameters of YOUR family. Every family is different. Oh & I do housework when it's convenient for me, best timed for me while family is busy or out of the house. I like them out of the way. ;)