Dealing with the Ex

Honestly, I understand the fear, but at the end of the day, who is he with? If he wanted to still be with her, he would be. Don't forget that he has a child with this woman and that they have to have contact for the little boy's sake. I can't imagine anyone not allowing me to talk to someone unless they are there or unless it is on speakerphone. I only say this because for me, that little trust in me would be a deal breaker. I'd be out the door. Careful not to do the same to your partner. At some point, either you love this man and you take a leap of faith and give him a little trust or you don't. If you don't and it's because he is not that trustworthy, then maybe you are the one who should be out the door. If he's worth it though, take the leap. Like I said in the beginning, at the end of the day, who has he chosen? He picked you! Not sure if this helps at all, but I wish you the best of luck.

Dear V.:

My husband also has an ex and a child with his ex -- although the ex attempts to control every situation and she is a complete nightmare -- we diffuse the situation by not engaging her in any of her antics and focus just on the child -- we do not entertain any other conversations with her. You can't control whether she is flirtatious or not -- if you trust your boyfriend and know that he loves you -- you should be able to back off a bit and ease up on the reins (it sounds like you are trying to control him, as well) -- what you need to remember is that your boyfriend has chosen to be with YOU and NOT with her. It's unfortunate, but because they have a child together they will always be in contact and they will always need to communicate. It's the just the way it is. By attempting to monitor every communication that your boyfriend is having with his ex -- you are showing insecurity and distriust in your relationship with him. This, I am sure, will eventually drive him crazy and possibly in the opposite direction of you. Although I understand your feelings regarding the ex (I have had plenty of these feelings over the years)-- I feel that you are overeacting to what seems to be basic communications involving their shared responsibility for their child. My suggestion is that you sit down with your boyfriend in a non-accusatory way and express how it makes you feel when he speaks with her -- and then try to find a solution that works for both of you -- it sounds like you need assurance that he is not responding to any flirtatious gestures that are coming his way from her -- and that he needs to know that he can simply call or text his ex to arrange time of pick up of their child, etc. without reporting to you every word. Put yourself in his shoes -- I don't think you would want someone monitoring your every word when you were just simply calling to say "I'll be 10 minutes late to pick up junior this evening". I hope this helps and that I have not been to h*** o* you...I just think a good realistic "heart to heart" with your partner is what you need to get you through this...By the way, my husband wants nothing to do with his ex, nor do I -- but we do it for his daughter -- everything we do and everytime we bite our toungues and hold back from what we really want to say that horrible person -- we do for his daughter. The children are the ones who get hurt, unfortunately through all of this -- even though we want to act like children sometimes and throw up our hands and give up -- we have to be strong for the kids -- it's not their fault.

Get a grip! Your behavior is unbelievable! You have to ask if your overreacting? Ummm... YES! He had a child with this woman and you need to at least act like your secure with yourself even though you are not. I wouldn't be surprised if you lose him because of your actions. If you don't trust him you shouldn't be with him. I think you need professional help.

It's only natural to feel jealous but you have to control it or you will drive him away. The other responders are absolutely correct. Trust is a key factor in a relationship, he has a responsibility to his other child, and the ex is totally feeding off your insecurities. I know it's hard but you have to think about the children before anything else. As long as he divides his attention equally between both children. You’ve got to rise above, give him the benefit of the doubt and pacify the situation as much as you can, for the sake of your own child.

You are afraid of her and giving her way too much power. You are attempting to control what you can not control... your partner's allegance and fidelity. Your feelings are not all abnormal, but your are reacting in a way that is controling and distrustful. What if she does want him? That has NOTHING to do with you. What has to do with you is if he wants a relationship with her.

He has to deal with her if he wants to see his son. That's just the way things are. Whether or no she is controling of the visitation rights has little to do with you. You can only empathize and encourage that father/son relationship.

Jen

it sounds like you need to have some reassurance in how committed he is to you. it's tough being in a relationship on and off.

have you thought of counseling? get your relationship back on track. and try to trust him more.

Sometimes in these situations you have to ask yourself..."If I had more self-confidence, would I still be reacting this way?"

Is it possible that you are selfish and controlling?

What would a loving woman do? She would support the person here who needs it the most, the child. Why are you putting restrictions on the father, to see his child?

I think you're overreacting. You have to have some trust in this guy or you're relationship is never going to survive. Has he ever done something that made you question his trust? Has he cheated on you? If not, I would dig deep inside myself and find the confidence to trust that you are his love. Your issues are only going to drive him from you. Men hate jealous women.

in my opinion, and experience as a therapist who has worked with divoced/seperated parents and the "new" significant other.... you have to remember that they have a child together, so there will always be a connection. anything that makes that more adversarial will only make that worse- the child should come first in the eyes of all adults involved. if you have to worry that she is persuing him and that he may respond to that... you have bigger concerns about your relationship in general....

Darling you are jealous.. a very poisoning state to be in. knock it off!

When ever someone tries to cut another off from a communication line it is jealousy

Look at the long in to the future scenario flirt or not.. they have a child together, he has a good relationship with his kid and a good and friendly one with the mother... GREAT!

In the end once you are all at his sons wedding you will be the one who will comes out looking controlling and manipulating. Speaker phone? are you insane.. have a look at what light that shines on you. You don't own the guy... be his friend, Trust him and yourself.

Become worthy! get out of the house and get in to a bigger and better game than messing with their " family" connection. get busy making this world a better place for your child and his, and soon you will find that you are worth all the flowers in the world :)

Love and learn

You need to somehow encourage a healthy co parent relationship between him and his ex for the childs sake.

If you trust him, then you need to let him be an adult and not monitor his comings and goings with his ex. If you don't trust him then you should not be with him.

Your feelings are probably normal considering the circumstances but you may be pushing him away. Also, maybe the ex is having fun with all of this and pushing your buttons because she knows she can.

It sounds like your boyfriend's ex girlfriend/wife might indeed be trying to get him back, and why not? Your boyfriend hasn't married you. In a sense he's still available. I think your jealousy and posessivness is your inner self telling you that he hasn't really committed to you. My question is why do you feel like you don't deserve marriage? I think you should seek out some counciling for yourself to help deal with these feelings of jealousy and low self esteem.

Dear V.,
You have to get over it and let him deal with his ex. Even if she does want him back, he is with you now and that should be enough for you. Acting petty and jealous will just push him away. You need to be understanding and supportive because until the kid is 18, his ex is part of his life whether you like it or not. If you feel you can't trust him then you shouldn't be with him. His son should be his top priority. His well being is more important than your feelings of jealousy. If you calm down and give him some space to deal with this, then he won't feel like he has to sneak around to talk to the ex.

And since he's not your kid, you don't have to be part of every conversation about him. Obviously your boyfriend should discuss arrangements with you if they affect you. But you don't need to know everything. However, your boyfriend will probably be more willing to discuss everything with you if you get off his back.

Hopefully you can work it out for the kid's sake.

L.

you need to trust him enough to stay out of his relationship with his ex. i have an ex too, and i would never want my new boyfriend to meddle as much as you are insinuating yourself into their relationship. they are ex's for a reason and usually ex's with children do NOT get back together (unless you know otherwise.). if you let it go a little, your reltionship with him might be more about the two of you than what's in his past. sorry to sound like i'm judging you, but i read that as a woman with an ex and I think you'll be happier and healthier if you trust him a lot more and let go of controlling his situation with his child and his ex.

I'm afraid you are going to be sorry that you are treating your partner this way and I would not be surprised if he got tired of dealing with you and your insecurities and he left. I am not trying to be mean, but I think you are being totally controlling, jealous and definitely overreacting in this situation. I am actually really surprised that your "other half" tolerates this from you at all. I agree with what others have said, that you need to back off, let your partner be a father to his son and if you don't trust him (it sounds as though you don't) maybe you should deal with those issues instead of trying to control his relationship with his ex. It really sounds as though you have unresolved isses with your partner and you would be better off concentrating on dealing with them and letting him take care of his own business with his son. All it seems you are doing is making it extremely difficult for him to be a good father. You should be supporting him and encouraging him to spend time with his son, regardless of what you think his ex is trying to do.
Or what about getting more involved with him and his son? Maybe it would be fun for all of you to occasionally do things together. Change your attitude toward his relationships and enjoy life and maybe things will work out on their own. Maybe you will finally realize that his love for his son has nothing to do with his ex and that it is something wonderful to celebrate.
Good luck to you and I hope you will take the advice you get from all of us to heart.

wow V.... If I were you I would let it go. His ex is feeding off of your insecurities. You can't be so controlling because he is not a child. He's with you because he want YOU.
If he doesn't really want you, you'll find out soon enough.
You must let him go and see what he does and how your relationship grows with him. If you can't do this with him then I am sorry to say that he is not for you. Trust is one of those MUST in a relationship. If he really loves you, he would ease your mind and make sure he puts her in her place.
It's not your place, he's got the connection with her forever because of their son together. You need to make the peace for the kids sake. It takes a bigger toll on the kids. Make the peace. Find it in your heart to be the better person. The kids need to see a good example all the time.

V., I have to be honest with you..It will be blunt as possible. Were you aware of this situation when you got involved with this man? If so, his son is and will be apart of his father for the rest of his life.. You on the other hand, can be an EX just like this women you are referring to. In the same situation facing a woman like yourself or worse a true psychotic. How would you feel? Most EXes know when the current is insecure and exhibits it in a reactional manner as you have stated.. They do things to make you continue to exhibit your behavior and get a kick out of it. If I was the EX personally, I would consider your behavior a sign of weakness on your part.I would continue to play on it. Every single opportunity I could to get a reaction out of you.

Where is the level of trust you are supposed to have when you are in a commited relationship?

Do you really think this man will marry you? With the types of demands and behaviors you are displaying? Be honest to yourself.

My questions to you are have you caught your mate, cheating with his ex at any time?

Why are you exhibiting total insecurity about the relationship with this women and your mate concerning their child?

Ask yourself what are you getting out of this relationship? Are you in love with this man? or obsessed? Do you think of what example you are setting for your child/or children in the home? As a mother, you are a role model.

V.,
Your feelings are not "abnormal", but I would say that you are overreacting. You face the possibility of pushing your significant other away. Imagine his life, right now; he's getting it from both ends. The bottom line is: you hooked up with a man who has a child from a previous relationship - he has an obligation to that child - if the tables were turned and it was you in the ex's position, you'd be upset that his new child was getting all the attention, correct? Truthfully, we women are much more attuned with the flirting of other women - how many times have I said to my hubby, "she was TOTALLY flirting with you." His response, "she was?" The better question would be, why don't you trust your boyfriend? Has he ever cheated on a girlfriend before? The bottom line is: that child (from his previous relationship) deserves a father just as much as your baby does - don't prevent that relationship - even if it means putting up with the ex - put some trust in your boyfriend. If he's never cheated before, then trust that he isn't now. Good luck.

You sound extremely insecure and controlling. His ex probably knows this. My advice is to chill out. He must really love you to stay with you. Has he ever given you any reason not to trust him? And if so - why are you with him? You're a parent and you need to act like a grown-up - not a jealous, immature girl. Maybe his ex does want him - but he's with you. They share a child together - you will never be able to keep them apart or should want to. You need to get over your jealousies and accept reality. Think about the kids!