Cheating Husband One Time??????

He found this lady on craiglist?! So, this wasn't like: ""I was lonely, So I went to the bar for a few drinks, had too many, and 'oops'! Made a mistake!"" No,no. THIS means that he KNEW what he was doing, and actually went looking for it. It was PLANNED. From the time he met this person online, to the time he met her in person, there was time to THINK about what he was doing. And he still went ahead and did it. To me, that just screams t.r.o.u.b.l.e!! You certainly need to do a lot of soul searching about this. Ask yourself some serious questions and more importantly - answer them honestly. The final decision is yours and yours only, of course. But just think about this: he knew what he was doing. This was not a "moment" of weakness. He went LOOKING for someone online with the INTENT to cheat and had TIME to think it over, and still went along with it...

just make sure whatever decision you make that you can live with it. you have one life, one chance to be happy, so do what makes you happy. if you feel strongly that you cant trust him again, then every day its going to be running through your mind, and you will be miserable honey. been there and done that, not with a husband of 11 years though, i am sooo very sorry.i hope that things work out for you, the way that you want them to though. dont let him put any of this on you, its not your fault, just because you were away taking care of something important, and he got lonely. stand up for yourself be strong and just remember, its YOUR life.good luck sweetie, and dont sacrifice your happiness for anyone.

Some people say " once a cheater, always a cheater"!
What do you think about that saying?

I think that it depends on the person that cheated.

Oh goodness, this is only something that you can truly answer for yourself.

Please pray about it, ask the Lord what he thinks you should do.

Don't let the fact that you and him having a business and a child together get in the way of how you really feel towards him.

Please remember that we all are not perfect and all people make mistakes and some people make huge mistakes and others make small mistakes. When we do make a mistake, and we are truly sorry for it, we wish to be forgivin.

I wish you and your family the best.

God bless you all.

Can a 1 time thing happen? Yes. Especially with men who are pretty inexperienced. Almost everyone cheats at least once in their life, regrets it, and learns from it (or doesn't regret it and learns from *that*). Most do this as kids before sex enters the picture, or as adults while they're still single. In every single case where a married person has cheated, that I know of, it falls into one of 2 camps:

1) Either they cheat with intent, regardless of how their marriage is (from where the old saying comes from "There are 2 kinds of men... those who cheat and those who lie about it"). Those who cheat with intent can still feel massive remorse, but there is a big difference between *intentionally* seeking to have sex with someone, and ...

2) Or they cheat on accident. There was no intent. This can either be an OMG-Sh** one night stand or develop into an affair that they don't know how to end. (This is the inexperienced group.)

Your husband cheated on purpose. Seeking someone out on Craigslist is full on intent. Completely premeditated. Specifically during a time where you were grieving, which is especially low. He may or may not have learned from it, he may or may not STILL be cheating (men and women frequently "test the waters" by owning up to something they regard as a "lesser" offense). Regardless, he handed you the ball when he told you. He either did it so he wouldn't have to live with the guilt.

Either way... before you even consider trust... you need to go get a *FULL* STD panel done. Most STD's are curable (although many are also transferable via non-sexual contact... so if you test positive for certain kinds of herpes/warts/etc you'll need to get your 4 year old tested as well. Even HIV is treatable to a certain extent... and you NEED to get on that yesterday if god forbid you test positive.

Ultimately, whether you stay or go... what you can live with, and what degree of happiness you require... is a personal decision.

Best of Luck to you... I've been there.

This is so sad.
You need to get your self into counceling. Figure out what you want for yourself and your child. Decide weather or not you can be with your husband without going threw his pockets and email and car console every time he take a shower. I could not. I could not have my childs heart broken again. (from broken and empty promises).

What do you think of his "I was sad and lonely?" explanation?
What does that mean? That the way he works threw sadness is "meaningless sex with someone he WENT LOOKING FOR on Craigs list?
Perhaps this is not the man you want to be with.
Is this who you want to instill Values and Morels in your young child?

It is so hurtful that a man whom you share a life of eleven plus years with, thinks so little of you and your feelings not ot mention your loss (death of a grandparent) that he would jeprodize his marriage, his livelihood, his happiness and that of his child for a weekend fling?

His excuse is pathetic and you and your child deserve better. Go out and GET IT! It is hard, very very hard, but worth the struggle, and there are good men out there. Arm yourself with a good attorney and therapist, good friends and family.

Whatever you chose to do, you are going to need them.
Good Luck!

Wow, there are some really harsh responses on here! Take heart lady, hard as this situation is, it's yours, don't let the pain of others' influence you.

I had just recently had this hypothetical "what if?" conversation with my girlfriend and we both came to the conclusion that a one time sexual affair, while awful was forgivable, vs. a long drawn out emotionally involved affair was not. We also would rather not know about the one timer, though it's a bit late in your case. Being that you do have a small child, any decision you make will impact him the most unfortunately. I think ultimately, you will have to decide what you can live with. Yes, the trust has definitely been rocked, but it was one time and he still loves you. It wasn't an emotionally involved affair, bought and paid for. And while most women scream foul, prostitution is the oldest profession for a reason. Is that enough for you? It doesn't hurt to try to work things out with him. But again, it will come down to what you can live with. I think personally I would be more disgusted at the idea of my husband spending our money on sex with a dirty prostitute that angry over a paid for "affair", but that's just me. Getting him tested is not a bad idea either, but the chances that your kid would contract something, as someone here suggested, is a real loooong shot. One piece of advise that helped me from another mom when I was having problems with my husband was this,"You have to make a choice and once you have made it, you have to move on and let it go." Hope that helps you too...all the best of luck to you!

All I can say is that I'm sorry you're in such a terrible situation. I'll say an extra prayer for you. That was a very selfish and stupid thing for him to do! Good luck!

Plain and simple...with me, cheating is a deal breaker.

To those who say "all men cheat"...all men DO NOT cheat....just the slimey ones. If you got yourself a slippery one....Godspeed.

M.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. I concur with the others, you need to get yourself (not the two of you, yet) some professional help in dealing with this (and making some decisions). I feel your pain, and have been in similar shoes.

I was 7 years into my marriage when I learned that my husband had a serious issue with pornography (and an incredible ability to look in my eyes and LIE). He had also lied to me about his sexual history prior to our marriage (substantially). He went to counseling for sex addiction and I thought that he recovered and we had gotten our marriage back on track. But, I never trusted him again. And, with good reason it turns out. I discovered that he too had been looking for women on craig's list, and had been seeing a prostitue for 6 months. I left immediately and couldn't even consider working through this. I knew that blowing the trust once is an incredible hurdle to get past, but multiple times is impossible.

Perspective from the other side too: I am now a single mom of two little girls and we live in a different state from my ex and I work full time. So, it is HARD. And the divorce was the absolutely the most horrendous experience I could possibly imagine and it was incredibly expensive (granted, I had to take a lot of precautions to ensure the well-being of two little girls with a sex addict father).

I do have a close friend who's husband had an affair and they recovered and their marriage is stronger than ever. They are very strong Christians, and I doubt this would have been the case without their faith.

So, it is not an easy decision, especially when it is driven by trying to do what's best for your child(ren). I know that you will get through this, hard as it is.

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I have not been in your situation, however my brother's wife has. My brother did the same thing to her, and the part that worries me about your situation is how he found someone on Craig's List (my brother did the exact same thing). If he purposely went looking for someone on a website, there are bigger issues here. I honestly don't know what I'd do in your shoes, and I know you're thinking of what's best for your son. While staying together might work for you, just know that sometimes the healthiest thing for a child is if their parents do split. How healthy of an environment can it be with fighting parents?

Good luck to you in whatever you decide, but make sure it is your decision.

I encourage every woman to read Every Heart Restored. It gives knowledge to how men are wired and stories and how to heal in the process as well as help your spouse.

He doesn't deserve your trust now. He knows what this will do to you in the future also. But you and your son deserve the best. Do you still love him? If you do, you can forgive him and still work it out. You probably will never forget it nor will you look at him in the same trusting light ever again. But you can make it work if you both BOTH BOTH BOTH BOTH still love each other.
Learn from it, don't make it a disaster.

He at least came forward with it, obviously bothering him.
You can take that as a positive sign.

Good luck and god bless

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have been through this (my husband was a serial cheater which split our marriage) and I know the hurt and betrayal. Only you can decide whether you can or want to work through this and what is best for you and your child.
If your husband is truly remorseful (and it really was a one time thing) and you want to try to make it work, you have to commit yourself to not beating him up with it. You need a good counselor who will hold him accountable but help you move past it.
I don't know if you are religious or not, but you might look into the Weekend To Remember. You can find information about it through www.familylife.com. It is Fri night to Sunday afternoon marriage intensive and they have saved hundreds of marriages.
I am glad to offer you my perspective, experience and support if it would help you. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Honey, think about your son , all man cheat some times. Dont take it personaly. Be smart.
I wish you best.

why did he tell you? did you catch him? would you have preferred not to know?

Anyhow - he went looking for it sothat makes it that much worse than if he had gone drinking and ended up with someone. There is many different factors here and you need to seek counseling onyour own and then couples counseling. goodluck - not all men cheat and not all are creatures of habits. goodluck and keep us posted.

My suggestion is to stay together. If you're concerned about your son's wellbeing, that will be the best scenario since your husband is not harmful or abusive to him or you. Try to focus on your son and your husband instead of your personal feelings. I know it will be hard, but try to be the wife your husband was looking for when he felt lonely that one time.

KL:

I've been there as well. Except with my husband, it was massage parlors (he found on Craig's list.) He did it a handful of times when things were really bad at work and we had a new baby at home. We had been married 13 years at the time, but together for 16 years. This was back in 2008. I could have left him--was totally within my rights to do so. But, we'd worked so hard to put my family together (our son was a product of IVF) that I wasn't going to let my husband's colossal idiocy destroy it without at least trying to work it out. We both turned to therapy separately, at first, until I figured out what I wanted to do and he figured out why he did the things he did. We never actually made it to marriage counseling b/c we were able to work it out separately in therapy and then used what we learned at home together. He is still my best friend and though I harbor some trust issues, they aren't as strong as they used to be. I try to look at my marriage as a marathon. I figured in 20 years (as long as he doesn't do it again) I'll remember, but it will be just another bump in the road. My therapist told me once that she had a client who told her that in 50 years of marriage to the same man, she got divorced three times. That put things in perspective for me.

In the end, only you can decide what you're willing to live with. Do what you need to do for you and your child. If he's willing to try therapy, it's a good indication it might be worth trying to make it work.

Best of luck
SM

i have been there, and for me, i was mostly able to come back. although i will say that staying with my husband, it's been about 5 years since i found out, and i still struggle with the trust. i think there is an innocence that is lost and a jadedness that comes in. maybe it would have been different if i'd stayed gone (i left him for about 3 months at the time - we didn't have children). but what did it for me, and this is just my own personal experience talking, is talking to my aunt who, 20 years ago had the same thing happen. she left the father of her child and never looked back. she still hasn't forgiven him. she is still SO angry and SO bitter towards her ex, i didn't want to be like that. sad to say. but she never got over it and still holds a grudge against men in general. and we are enough alike that i saw myself becoming that. and i figured if i couldn't make it work with my husband, did i want to take the chance of making myself bitter and miserable the rest of my life, never being truly happy with anyone, because of the grudge i might hold? but this is just my experience. i was torn and shattered, and very confused, so that was the logic i went with.

point is i was not thinking clearly. i see now it was probably a stupid decision. but on the other hand, we have a pretty good relationship right now, it has it's ups and downs but we have a family now and in all i'd say i'm happy. plus, i made a vow, and i do love him. so here i am. doing the best i can with what i have. i think everyone is different, and we have to do what we feel at the time. good luck, and i'm so sorry you have had your heart broken. it's not fair or right and no one should have to go through it.

PS, we did go through some counselling as well. highly recommend it.

All men cheat??!!?! I think it is kinda sleezy that he used the excuse that he was so lonely and sad because your grandma died that he had to search for a "lady" on Craig's list. My guess would be that you found out about the affair and confronted him, which is why he said it was a one time thing. I do think counselling would be a good idea either way. 11 years is a long time to walk away from and even if you decide to do that, he will be a part of your life forever because of your son.

I think it's unfair to say that all men cheat , the lady that said that must just be really unlucky. Anyway I have not been through this myself but I have a friend who has , she decided to stick with the marriage and 2 yrs on they still have HUGE fights which always ends up with her throwing this back in his face. It's not a healthy relationship the way it is at the moment. You need to really think about if you can forgive , if you choose to it means you need to not keep thinking about it and don't use it against him in every fight you have....hard I know but this is the only way you can move on from it.I do agree with the other post about how he went about finding this woman , it was planned and he had time to come to his senses and realise what he was doing but he chose not to , now he obviously cannot deal with what he did so decided to tell you.

Take as long as you need , go stay with family if you need to , talk with him about it , let him know ALL your feelings good & bad , he has to understand what he has done to you.

I wish you the best.

All men DO NOT always cheat sometimes. There are plenty of men who are always faithful to their wives, whatever the circumstances are at the time. However, your husband did cheat and don't give him a pass just because it was only one time. I would definitely try to work it out if you can, but that is not a guarantee that it will work. I would go to counseling before deciding what you will do in the long run. I don't think it is a good sign that because he felt sad and lonely he cheated. There are plenty of men who feel sad and lonely and DON'T cheat on their wives. Yes, this won't be easy for your son if you get divorced, but neither will a miserable marriage. The only way you can stay together is if you can start trusting him again, which I know you say you can't, but give it some time to at least see what happens. If you end up believing that you can't trust him, then you can get out and you and your son can still have a great life. Good luck whatever you choose.

First off I am so sorry. I think you kind of answered this yourself. If you can't trust him ever again then it will be pointless to continue with a relationship. You have to be willing to try or a relationship can't continue without trust in my opinion. I think I would feel the same way you do. Some counceling may help, especially for him, but you have to want to try. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It really is awful. I have not walked in your shoes but if you think you are at all interested in saving the marriage, I would recommend going to a therapist and see if you can get over your hurt, anger, & trust. You might not be able to, and that would be totally understandable. My therapist told me that having a spouse that cheats is extremely hard to treat, because of the trust issues, but if you to try, that option is there. If it doesn't work for you, you can leave him later.

Good luck and I'm so sorry!

Hi KL It's funny how people say for better or for worse, but don't honor it. I have been married for 28 years and my husband cheated once, I could have left my husband and had his mistake affect our 3 children or I could understand the circumtances and forgive him, and keep the family in tack, this happened 18 years ago, had i left him we would never jnow and have what we have almost 29 years later. I have always believed Right, Wrong, or indifference family's should stay together, it;s always easier to quit than to fight. J.

I would, MAKE HIM GO TO THE DOCTOR and get tested for STD's... and do not believe him if he said he did "safe" sex. Any sex with a stranger is not safe sex... and he cheated. He has to get tested for any diseases.
Perhaps you too.

Sorry but his "excuse" for cheating really has no foundation.
Its senseless.
So, anytime he is "sad and lonely" he will look for other women? I mean "trolling" on Craig's List... c'mon, that is pretty gross.
And what other websites does he go on, to look for women?

But he told you he wants to work on "us". So maybe somewhere he feels that your/his relationship is lacking something. What exactly does he feel is lacking? So much so that he has to cheat. Mind you, not every man "has to" cheat.

I would go to marriage counseling. If he REALLY wants to work on it, he will. If he does not want to do counseling, then he is not really wanting to work on your marriage.

How did you find out he cheated? AFTER you caught him, or did he tell you on his own without prompting? How many times did he do this??? I mean, you said this happened a year ago???? And he said he cheated 1-time... does he mean 1-time with 1 woman, or just 1 sex encounter?

Sure, he ruined your trust.

Start with marriage counseling... and he HAS TO get help for his behavior problems.
Is he perhaps going through a middle-age crises or something? If he is that age? Or, maybe other things are lacking in his life... for which he is "sad and lonely" and it has nothing to do with you. But still, cheating is just that. Cheating. He has to solve his problem... because it has already damaged the marriage and the family structure and dynamics.

All the best,
Susan

NOT ALL MEN CHEAT! The woman who posted that knows the wrong men.

Your husband found someone on Craig's list? That was a determined and willful act to have sex with someone other than you. Are you sure this has only happened once?

As far as him feeling sad and lonely, he should have been thinking about how sad and lonely you were feeling. Him having sex with someone while you were grieving your grandma is a low blow.

Counseling is the only way to go. Your husband needs to know that he screwed up BIG TIME and that it had better not happen again.

My heart goes out to you! I hope you heart heals quickly.