To put a very long, depressing story short, my son's father is a dead beat drunk that really has no part in his life. He will call and ask me to "deliver" my son to him with 5 minutes notice. Or say things like, "if YOU want your child support, come get it." when he knows it's an hour round trip. I also want to add that he works under the table, and has given his son a total of $200.00 in the past 6 months! He has gotten 2 DUI's and has no license... a real winner he is. I don't think he realizes he's punishing his son, not me.
Anyway, before i go on a rant, can anyone give me some tips on how to get me started with the child support issue?? I have no idea where to start.. or what i'm doing. We live in CT and were never married.
We have never gone to court for custody issues. As of now, it's a verbal agreement that I have physical custody. He shows no interest in seeing him anyhow, which honestly is for the best. Just wanted to add for those who got the wrong idea, my son is NOT allowed to be with him alone. IF he sees him at all (very rare, less than once a month), then i stay with them. I would never allow him to be responsible for my son!!
So i went to DSS today and got the paperwork started. I received a quick rundown of what will happen, including court. I'm terrified. I don't know AT ALL what I'm doing, and am so stressed. I never wanted to do this, and still don't. Definitely wasn't my plan in life... Oh well, if you want the rainbow you've got to put up with the rain right?? Thanks for all of your advice!
Hi J.,
I agree with everyone else:
1. Get a lawyer through the CT Barr association; if you are in a low-income bracket I believe there are provisions for that as well.
2. Establish paternity/custody/visitation.
3. Establish child support.
You don't have to give in to his demands under any circumstances. Especially true if there is no visitation schedule in place.
Good luck.
State of Connecticut Social Services Department: Child Support
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676 Main St
Willimantic, CT 06226-2702
###-###-####
I'd give this # a call and find out all the steps you need to take, establishing paternity since you're not married etc.
Good Luck
so sorry you are going through this terrible ordeal. I live in Massachusetts and am not sure exactly how the laws work in CT, but in general, most states have a child support enforcement division. This can be through the State Department of Revenue or through your statewide Office for Children, Child Protective Services, or whatever it is called in CT. Contact them or your legal aid society for no cost advice. It doesn't matter that you were not married. If he is on the birth certificate and if he is not denying paternity, there is no issue about support. Your ex cannot demand that you go anywhere to collect your check. If you have a legal agreement, he is required to mail it to you. He apparently has some sort of job or at least assets since he is capable of paying. Child support enforcement can garnish his wages and/or have the money sent to them, and then transfer it to you. If you don't have a legal agreement, get one. He is enjoying making you jump through hoops as his method of continuing to control you - you don't have to go along with it if you take other steps. If he is a repeat drunk driver, you should get an order in place that he cannot have unsupervised visitation with your son. There will have to be someone else there, usually a social worker from the state or some other designated professional. Even though he has no license, he is capable of getting behind the wheel of a car, whether his own or someone else's. There should be no possibility of your son being in a car with him. Visitation is not a "given" in exchange for child support if your ex is dangerous, questionable, compromised or anything else. Good luck and keep advocating for your son!
Hi J.-
I would retain an attorney. It is expensive, but it is worth the money. The attorney will help you create a uniform child support order and also a visitation order.
Your attorney will be able to advise you of how to legally handle the situation of your son's father's drinking & visitation. There is no need for you to stay during visitation, or be at your son's father's "beck and call" in arranging last-minute visitation. There is supervised visitation available through the court system. I have the feeling if your son's father is not seeing you/trying to control you through visitation, the visits with your son will stop altogether.
The best/easiest way to get child support is if there is a wage assignment on your son's father's paycheck. The money will be deducted from his check and direct deposited or mailed to you. If he is in arrears (which I'm sure he is), they will give you his tax return and after that they will take his driver's license, after that they will hold him in contempt of a court order and incarcerate him until he pays his support.
This is going to be a long and uphill battle for you. Your son deserves to be supported. You also deserve to be supported through this process. Getting an attorney will give you the most information in the quickest amount of time and will bring order (and hopefully resolution) to your situation.
Finally, when your son's father contacts you about the child support and visitation issues (which he will) refer him to your attorney and/or the court. Tell him you are unable to discuss these issues with him. Don't get into arguments that go nowhere. For this alone, the attorney is worth the money.
Good luck,
T. Y
SAHM of four (9yrs, 7yrs, 18 months and 22 weeks pregnant with baby #4)
My baby's father left when I was six months pregnant. Once my baby girl was born and I received her social security number I contacted the Department of Revenue and filed for child support. Their website is: www.mass.gov/cse and you can apply right there. In my case it was a long process because her father kept refusing his mail from DOR, so I ended up paying a sheriff to have him served. Once you have completed your application you will be assigned a case worker, then an attorney (who does not work for you, but represents you in probate court). Don't be disheartened as my daughter is now 2 and we are still in and out of court. At the end of the day, fight this fight for your son and what is owed to him and his wellbeing. Without child support I wouldn't be able to work and send my daughter to daycare.
in mass the dept of revenue does it. you tell them they send a lawyer to court and the force them to look for a job and even if not working they have to pay a min. amount. I don't know how ct works but make a few calls around. You might be able to get a free lawyer if your income is low.
Good luck.
You should get yourself an attorney. It doesn't sound like he has any business being in his son's life. Document everything that happens between you two. Check with legal aide, they should be able to help you or at least send you in the right direction. If visitation is a must then I would asked for supervised visits. If he has 2 DUI's and no license then that should actually help you in proving that he's an unfit parent and should not be left with a 22 month old alone. Stop letting him black mail you though. If there is no court order in place then you most definitely do not have to drop him off to him at the drop of a hat. Heck, even if there is a court order in place, then it would be planned visitation anyways.
You have gotten some great advice from other posters, the most important thing you can do now is follow some of it. An attorney is your best option. And do NOT speak to your ex about what you are doing. He will probably either try and make you feel guilty about your actions or threaten you to get you to stop. If you have no agreement through the courts for custody, I would highly recommend that you do whatever you have to to come up with money for an attorney, and get permantent custody first, than work on child support. I don't know about CT, I'm in NH, but if you don't have custody through the courts, and he gets it in his head to take your son and leave the state with him, there will be very little that you can do about it. You want an attorney that specializes in family law, and many of them offer free half hour consultations so you can tell them what you need and find out their fees before commiting. No matter how you decide to procede, this is going to be a time consuming and difficult process. But it is totally worth it to have the peace of mind that it will give you. I truly wish you the best in this battle.
I'm from MA, but having been in a similar (yet not so awful) situation, the best and ONLY way to go is get your child support as an order of the court and enforced through your department of revenue. They will take the money directly out of his pay checks and send it to you. They will chase him down when he doesn't pay and you won't have to worry about dealing with it. Call your Department of Revenue and ask about child support enforcement and they should be able to direct you to someone that can help you get it started! Good luck!!!
In ma you just go to the probate courthouse and just start the process you have to have his currant location and if he does not have a job they will make him look for one even at mcdonalds and if he does not they can and will put out a bench warrent on him if he does not pay i hope this will help im sure its the same in ct
J. in ma
If you have child support through a court order then he has to give it to you. Why are you letting him black mail you? If he is an alcoholic then why will you let your son stay with him? Can't you go to court and set up scheduled meetings? I hope your son doesn't stay alone with him. If you feel it is unsafe and traumatic for your son, then you should talk to the courts about different visitation arrangements.
Here is a good place to start with child support.
http://www.jud.ct.gov/childsupport/
If you do not have a support order in place yet you might need to call social services first.
You would need to look up your local office.
They will help you with support issues but not with custody or visitation issues.
Hope that helps
Hi J.,
In MA, you can just go to the government website and start by filling out the paperwork online. I just checked for you and you should go to http://www.jud.ct.gov/childsupport/faq_eng.htm#4.
I think that everything needs to be done through the courts and you'll also have to make sure that your son's father is listed on the birth certificate.
Good luck. I hope you find the resolution that your looking for.
you don;t say if you have been to court for shared custody and if there is a wriiten order for specific times he is to be with his father
Hi J.,
There is a solution built right into the system. You file with the court to have the child support automatically taken from his paycheck and have it automatically deposited into your account. Call your attorney or whoever handled the visitation schedule and let them know what it going on.
Best of luck to you!
Hi
I am the single mother of a 21 year old. I just spent a complimentary hour with Attorney Jennifer Andrade who is in Metheun. My son's father wants to stop child support which is partially paying for college. She was so understanding and supportive. I feel clear about what are my options and safe that my son will keep getting the money for school. She is worth a call
C.
Go to the courthouse and file on him. Unless it's written in a legal document, you do NOT have to bring your child to him. It might be tough because you won't get the money, but your child's safety is more important. I know in mass you can use the lawyer of the day to help you in court, not sure if CT has that also. Keep a written record of everything...what time he calls, what he says, what you do. It all is admissable in court. Do it right away, sometimes they can get you in within a month or two...sooner if needed. They can also do something temporary until the actual court date.
Good luck!
We had this problem with my stepson's mother believe it or not. She has not paid in 7 years. Finally we filed with our state, they have an agency that goes after non custodial parents who are not paying. It is free, they are a state agency and they track her through her SSN. Unfortunatly for us she is not working otherwise they would take it right out of her paycheck. She did file her taxes on year and they took that and deposited it right into our bank account.
So, I would contact your state, I'm sure you can get the papers right off of their website. Print them off and mail them in and they will do all the work for you! Good luck
