Bad Words Being Taught to My 2 Year Old by Her Friend

The funny thing about bad words is that they are most often used in the act of rejecting something. Which can leave one feeling hypocrital if they reject the one using them since it is the same action, rejecting, that is at the heart of it all.

People who use swear words don't know how to transform situations for good yet. Their vocabulary is devoid of building, validating, honoring words. As they struggle in their crazy, disrespectful way to try to create positive change through destructive means it can be very hard to be around them.

However, regardless of their behavior, if you can establish a relationship of trust and invite them to try an honoring approach to the same problem and they are able to build a new association to respectful communication then you have done two things. You have kept a friend and helped them become a richer, more capable person.

The heart of the problem is rejection. People can quietly struggle with this too.

We've got a rule at our house that our daughters (ages 14, 2, and 6 mos) must all observe. They are not allowed to use words they don't hear us say. It helped my husband and I clean up our vocabulary, and has kept potty words out of the house. If my 2-year-old says a word that is not ok with us, we talk with her eye-to-eye and explain that while some people may use that word, it's not something we say so she must not use it. It's a work in progress, as most toddlers hate to be told not to do something, but our teenager is proof that it works.

As for the friend and her little one, I would (and have) gently sat down other children and told them that we don't use words like that in our house, and please don't do it here. Her mom will most likely to respect your position and encourage her little one to stope. It might also help her to see you enforcing this rule, and encourage her to establish it in hers. :)

Good luck!
S.

Hi B.,

I will tell you now that YOUR FAMILY VALUES COME FIRST!!!!
No matter how fond of the little girl's mother you are,there comes a time when you will need to speak up for your child.
It IS NOT okay for this little girl to treat your child this way.
It IS acceptable for you to tell her mother it bothers you when her child behaves this way.
LIMIT THE PLAY TIME WITH THE LITTLE GIRL.
You could ask the mom if she is comfortable with the inappropriate behaviors her daughter has learned at the preschool. Or ask if she notices the behaviors...
What does the mom do when this stuff happens? If she is not removing her child or telling her what she is doing is hurtful to others, then she is inadvertently encouraging the behavior. There are some behaviors you can ignore when they are inappropriate but others that need to be discussed after a time out. Hurting others is socially unacceptable! She must notice her daughter is agressive and verbally mean.
If mom is not there and the child plays at your house with out mom, then let mom know her kid can't come over with out her.
I am a mom of 7 grown kids. I am happily married to an awesome guy and we have 3 grand kids. I am a preschool teacher and have been for over 30 years.

Good Luck and no, you are not over protective, your child is 2 years old!!!!!
C. K.

I don't think it would be overprotective of you to cut down the time you spend with a child who can be a negative influence on your own. I have had to do this myself, with close, long time friends of mine who just don't have the same goals and ideas as I do about parenting.
I truley enjoyed playdates with them because I had a chance to socialize with my good friend, but it got to be obvious it wasn't worth my children playing with children who hit, said the 'stupid' word (or the shut up word...), hurt my little ones feelings... I would have to explain (on each drive home) why it was not o.k. for the other child to have said/ done that and after a while I realized I was constantly exposing my kids to behaviors I teach them are unacceptable! It's a bummer, but you have your daughter to look out for and her well being to worry about. No matter how wonderful you are at teaching your daughter how to share, use manners, be kind and gentle etc... if you consistantly take her to play with someone who does the opposite of these things she WILL be influenced and pick up bad habits. I would look into playing with some other children who share your child's good qualities and slowly cut down on HOW much time she plays with a child who is not well mannered. I have literally made friends with mothers at the park based solely on our like minded parenting choices. After awhile perhaps you could invite the neighbor and hopefully she would get influenced in a positive way, but at the very least your daughter would have a choice of who she'd like to play with in the event your neighbor pushes her, etc.
Eventually, as your little girl goes to school and such, you will lose much of the control over who she plays with, the example of how a GOOD friend behaves should be made now while she is developing social skills... This is not sheltering her, it is purely being a good, responsible mama!
Best of Luck!! M. from Redondo Beach

Hi
Aahh the joy of preschool. That is where my little boy picked up some choice words and sayings. I tell him, "that is not a nice word. We dont use those words in our family" Then make sure you dont!!!!
Good luck

You are not being overprotective! There are way too many rude people out there, and your child does not have to be one of them.

If they are playing at your house, or at a park, before the kids play, you could set some basic rules, like no hitting/pushing/kicking, or saying rude/mean things. Then say that if the rules are broken more than twice, then they'll have to have a time out/pay a penalty like no ice cream afterwards or something along those lines. Follow through with what you say, otherwise this approach doesn't work. That's the most important thing.

My daughter brought home some rude/sassy remarks and behavior when she first went to Pre-school. You have to nip this stuff in the bud, otherwise your sweet daughter ends up one of those kids who rule their parents!

Best of luck=)

I don't see any way you can avoid having the two together since you are friends with her mom and your daughter likes to play with her daughter. It might be a good time to teach your daughter that although some kids do things it's not acceptable and explain why. Kids learn not only from their peers but their parents as well and let's face it, not all parents monitor their children and that's something we have no control over. It's inevitable that at some point your child will start playing with a child that doesn't have the same "code of conduct" you are instilling in your child. That's where we as parents step in and talk to our kids about right and wrong while explaining why something is wrong. If she can pick up on negative behaviors she can also understand why they aren't acceptable and most likely she will start explaining that to her friend when her friend says or does something unacceptable. I don't think you are being over-protective or controlling...good parents are raising their children to be successful in life and to choose right over wrong. Of course your child will never be perfect but you do what you can to equip them for life...unfortunately that means teaching them how to deal with peers whose parents let their children get away with inappropriate behaviors.

Hi B.,
I belong to the MOMS Club of Whittier and we have a variety of discussions that address your type of problem. Also, at playdates from time to time there will be a child who does something inappropriately and since this is a support group, we help each other out. I would recommend your local neighbor and join that club. Go to www.momsclub.org to find the closest one to you. You'll get great advice and make friendships.
A.

Have you talked to the friend's mom yet about this? If you are good friends then it shouldn't be big deal. Just say to her that you have noticed that the girl has picked up some bad words and is sharing them with your daughter. Who knows maybe the other mom is concerned too and you can work together to nip this in the bud!

Hi B.:
I agree with Heidi.The older she gets, the more she is going to hear. It's vertually imposible to keep her sheltered from everything negative or in poor taste.You and daddy will be better off,not making to big of a deal out of it, and just calmly telling her that,her friends mommy and daddy may allow that sort of talk but (we don't talk that way)to one another.Its hurtful. I wish you and your growing daughter the best.

B., you need to lay down the rules on language. Stupid, dumb and so on were bad words in my home. Negative words are used by habit, if we don't break the habit, what then? My daughter is now a senior in HS and if she hears one of her friends she will tell them that those are bad hurtful words. I know your neighbor is your friend, maybe you should speak to her and tell her how you feel about the words and behavior. No I do not think you are being over protective. If our children don't learn from us when will they learn (my point...it will only get worse as the years go by). At this point she is learning from others without being corrected it will continue.
C.

I too have gone through the same thing you are going through. I did not like it at all when my son starting picking up on inappropriate words. Be sure to get the facts straight because there are a lot of words on television that are inappropriate as well as the radio. If you do notice this type of behavior during their play dates, please do not be afraid to say something to the other child. "Ok, let's not push...." When you hear the other girl say an inappropriate word, say, "Let's not use that word, but use this word...." If her mother doesnt want to do the parenting, someone has to. I know others would say you are over stepping boundaries, but I personally do not think so. The parents will get the hint and will eventually start reminding their own child not to use those words or the inapporpriate behavior because they do want play dates especially with the neighbor!

B.,
Ah yes! What the little ones will pick up from their peers.
My hubby and I always joked that our oldest was a perfect little angle, until she went to school, and started picking up others kids bad habits.
You cant alienate her from the outside world. At one point or another she will be around other kids, and learn things that you and her daddy do not appreciate. What this means is time to start a form of disipline that you and your husband agree upon and be consistant with it in order to teach your daughter right and wrong behavior.
Welcome to parenthood. :)
Take Care. Heidi

This is going to be the case whenever your child is exposed to other children, even if it's their older siblings. The other day, my sweet 2 year old daughter said "dang you Mommy"! When I turned off her DVD. She obviously heard her 9 year old brother say this in some context and repeated it in her own way, because my son has never said that to me. Your daughter is old enough to explain to her what's acceptable and what's not. You have to be consistent and stern. You should also talk to the parents of the other child and maybe you could observe a play date and when this other child gets aggressive or uses inappropriate language, say something to her in front of your daughter and the parent. Maybe the parent doesn't realize this behavior isn't appropriate (it happens) And sometimes, in extreme situations, you just have to distance yourself from others whom you do not feel are good examples or share your parenting philosophy.

Dear B.:

What did the other mom do when her daughter pushed your little girl? If her daughter only pushed yours once AND was immediately reprimanded (for both pushing AND for being rough with a younger child), I don't think your daughter would be pushing back all the time. I think that girl might be too rough with your little one.

Whenever I see the behavior of unruly or undisciplined children affect mine, I think, "It is MY job to raise and influence my children, not THAT person's." I immediately remove my children from that type of influence. That's not being overprotective...it's being responsible.

I have several friends I associate with but without including my children for that very reason. We go out to coffee or whatever, in the evenings while my children do something fun with daddy or the grands, but I do not bring my children along if their children will be there. My kids appreciate it and I'm glad to avoid the trouble.

I realize that the friendship is convenient because they're right next door and all, but it would be worth it to invest in other friendships where the parents correct their children like you do. Try a Mommy-and-Me class or a MOPS (at the local church) or join a free homeschooling support group (you don't have to "homeschool" forever...you can just belong while your child is preschool age) and try to find other like-minded parents.

Best wishes,

M.

HI B.,
I can relate! My 3 1/2 yo DD has picked up some mean words from a neighbor girl whom she idolizes. The neighbor is around 5 yo.

My daughter would come home and say "you are stupid" or "you are a loser" !!!!! Yikes!!!! I did not like that coming out of her mouth.

I told her that stupid and loser were not bad words, they just weren't nice words and she was not to say them.
When my daughter would tell me that Ali said stupid, I would say, "well she can say stupid-but you can't, because you are a Cabot and Cabots don't talk that way."

Also-if they were playing together on my watch and that language came up, I have definitely said-"We don't say "loser"-it's not very nice." I think it's ok to (gently)correct a child who is not your own. Sometimes they are just trying out a word w/o understanding the full meaning of the word.

I do NOT think you are being overprotective! You are being a concerned mommy. Words are important and can help or hurt. We want to encourage the helping words and steer clear of the hurtful words.

Hi B., I agree that this is an opportunity for you to help your daughter learn how to deal with her negative emotions. I would first model more appropriate ways of expressing frustration. Behavior is communication, so shaping her behavior to more acceptable will teach her that she can communicate in all type of situations. Getting really upset if a child uses "power words" such as potty mouth or repeating cuss words is counter productive. It gives too much attention to the behavior that you want to extinguish.

Kids do learn from other kids (both for the good and bad). If your daughter still continues being aggressive/etc- then I would say in a firm calm voice "We don't use those words" and show again what you expect. It will work.

I've worked for 30 years with kids with special needs, and have worked lots with preschoolers with these issues.

I just remember that at our old house we had a neighbor boy who would come outside and cuss his babysitter out like crazy. He used really offensive language in both English and Spanish. I would overhear the sitter tell him that his father was going to hit him hard when he came home, and the boy would just laugh at her and call her terrible names. I got fed up, I went over when he was playing in the front yard by himself and told the boy in English and Spanish that I didn't ever want to hear him speak like that again. It actually did help. It was strange, because his younger brother didn't use language like that.

Hi B., First of all I would talk to your friend, and ask her what she is doing to teach her daughter not to say and do certain things, it's your resposability has a mom to choose playmates for your daughter that are a good influence on her. I had a friend,actually we were best friends, but her daughter was the spaun a satan, and I just could not have her daughter around my son anymore, her bahavior was horible, she was disciplined but it didn't help much, I had to tell my best friend her and I could hang out while our kids were home with their dads, but I was sorry but I just can't have my son around your daughter, she was a few months younger than my son, but I didn't want my son behaving like her child, Iwas a stay at home mom and I worked very hard to raise my kids a certain way, so you have to decide if your friendship with this woman is important enough to have your daughter pick up bad habits, the word stupid, isn't a nice word, but I would call it a bad word, but who' to say that if her young daughter is using that word what else will she be using later, and no I don't think you re being over protected, A child is not supossed to call her daddy stupid. J.

That's how it starts, and it has to start sometime. We always said: that is not a nice word and we don't use it in our family. If we continue to hear it then we say: I guess you aren't big enough to play with this friend, she/he is teaching you things that are not nice to say, and if you are going to start useing these bad words then you can't play with that friend. The End
And stick to it. Some parents think it's cute to hear these big ugly bad words coming out of a 2 year olds mouth, but to me it's quit revolting that parents would be ok with this or even talk like that in front of their kids that way. You should start looking for another friend for your daughter also (one that is 2). This way she can have more friends, and when the neighbor friend want's to play you just say she can't she is over at her other friends house.
You could talk to your friend, find out what she is ok with hearing come out of her daughters mouth. So you know where the limit is. This is actually important. My baby sitters daughter told my daughter the intire facts of life at age 5. When my daughter came home she asked me if I was telling her the truth about where babies came from. So I asked her what she had heard and from who. I about died when I found out that my 5 year old new what daddy's do to mommies to make babies. I had it out with the babysitter. 1st why would you tell that to a 5 year old. 2nd did you tell her she shouldn't tell this info to anyone but if she had questions to come ask you. She said that they told her because her body was starting to change and they felt it was important that she understood why she needed to be modest. I just about died. Kids only need to hear what they have questions about, and keep it simple until they come ask again for more details when they start their period you can give more info, but just cause you get your period doesn't mean you need to know everything today. Isn't that enough to deal with. Sorry to go off like that but it still makes me mad today. My daughters are now 17 1/2 and 12 1/2. They can ask me anything I am very open to talk about anything and everything and always have been. But I tried to only tell them what they wanted to hear at that time and always told them to come back to me if you have additional questions, and that they shouldn't talk about this with friends because maybe there is someone that doesn't know yet and their mother needs to talk with them first. I hope this helps. Good Luck! J.

We had an issue like this where the "other girl" used really BAD language- as in not allowed on TV! Her mom thought it was hilarious that her daughter dropped the f-bomb and called her a b*t**! The girl totally learned it all from her mom, who had a vulgar mouth too. I talked to a mutual friend of ours- all our girls are the same age- and she had already tried to talk to the mom about it to no avail. So we decided to not to go to playdates where they would be. Funny part is if the mom wasn't there the girl was pretty good. The other mom babysat the girl while the mom was working for a time, she just had to lay down the law and it worked out well.
I would say no unsupervised play dates and step in, even if it isn't at your house to explain that those words are not ok. If they are at your house, the "house rules are that we don't use those words..." if the playdate is at her house, intervene and explain to your daughter, and then explain to the older girl that your daughter "in only 2... and she is the big girl..." Might work! Have fun.

everyone else has already given some great advise. I think the only thing I can add is that NO you aren't being over-protective. and even if you were it's our job as parents to protect the kids until they are old enough to make their own decisions. 2 isn't old enough! I personally don't even think 5 is old enough but thats just me. You can make new friends but your daughter is depending on you to protect her and raise her in a way that she will become a productive member of society! IF your friend were doing something to hurt your child, you wouldn't hesitate to drop her... If (after talking to her and giving her a chance to help you nip this in the bud) she refuses to help you fix this lil disagreement, then obviously your daughter (and her's too) isn't very important to her... I would join some mom's groups (try yahoo) and that way you can meet new people! I hope that didn't sound mean... it's just that we are who our kids depend on! someone else already said, you can always go on mom's nights with your friend without the kids!