Bad Grandparent Behavior

If your mom can't get out on her own, maybe you and/or your sister could pick her up and bring her to one of your houses for a visit.
In general, if visits are on your own "turf" you'll have the upper hand, even if the step-dad is involved.

For example, if your step-dad makes a comment about not being included, you can politely tell him that you'd love for him to spend more time with the kids, but you are concerned that his habits and behavior are not healthy influences (and this should be said in a sugary, syrupy sweet way...). If he could control his tongue and put his smoking habit on hold for a while, he'd be more than welcome to come over with your mom...
Have you heard about "Parenting with Love & Logic"? It's a great book, but the nice thing is that "love & logic" tactics work well on most adults too. (Even stubborn old men...)

Hi Y.,

Your dad sounds very much as mine did so I empathize with you and I will advise four things.

1) Let both parents know how much you love them and appreciate their rearing and then tell them as a parent yourself you must now do what is in the best interest of your children in order to protect them from harmful influences (including visiting when dad is around since he refuses to respect your wishes).

2) Tell mom you would be happy to pick her up and bring her to your home for the day at least once a week to spend time with grandkids and if your sister is willing and able you both could rideshare this responsibility every other week (frankly your mom would probably like the break away from his behavior too). My mom had emphysema, enlarged heart, and diabetes. She lived on oxygen, but did have a smaller tank she could take out and really liked getting away to more peaceful situations.

3) Tell dad he's welcome to see the grandkids in your home if he will come sober and attempt to watch his language (have grace because he'll probably slip a little, but if he's sincere he'll acknowledge it and will try harder, if not don't invite him back-it's your home and you make the rules there).

4)Do not allow guilt to settle in your heart, because you are not being dishonoring or disrespectful - you're being a responsible, protective parent as intended (that's your job now) and although your dad might initially grip and bark about the situation, he'll ultimately respect you for standing up for what you believe it best.

May you, your sister, and mother be blessed in whatever decision you choose in the end.

G. Joss
____@____.com

Is there an option of visiting when he is not there? Could you make a request that he step out for a bit while you are visiting?

Well, it seems to me that you have two options, 1) keep your children from going over there and being exposed to your step-father's bad behavior, or 2) letting your children visit their grandparents and finding a way to explain to your kids that they cannot imitate his behavior because it is not acceptable. Personally, if it were my children, I would keep the exposure to your step-dad at a minimum, mainly because of the smoking factor. You can usually reason with kids eventually about bad language and rudeness, etc., but second hand smoke causes damage that you may not be able to undo. Furthermore, if your mother is really "heartbroken" about not being able to see her grandkids, she will find a way to keep your step-dad in line when the kids are visiting. If she doesn't, then she doesn't have your kids' best interests at heart. Sometimes we have to make the hard decisions with regards to our kids, but what should always be top of mind is their physical and mental well-being. It may be good for your mom to see the kids on occasion, but if it's hurting your children in the process, you probably should find some other way like visiting on the phone or even a weekly webcam setup. The first 3 years of a child's life are the formative years. Do you want your stepdad's bad behavior to be part of who your children are for many many years to come? Good luck!