My BIL usually comes down to Florida once a year and stays with his parents. Most years it is somewhere around Christmas. This is fine...no complaints there. However, he always seems to schedule at really odd times. For instance, this year we just found out that he is coming about a week and a half before Christmas and staying until a few days before Christmas.
He is an aircraft mechanic and works most weekends. He always schedules his time so that he won't have to take much time off of work. Inevitably, that means that we have to take a day off to get together when he is down or the MIL drama from hell will follow. He does get paid vacation time. He just chooses to spend his all his vacation time and money in Vegas. In fact, he really doesn't have to work the holidays...he chooses to in order to get a higher pay rate for the day. He is a single guy with no kids so very little responsibility.
So his visit will occur before the kids are out of school and we are out of work. So, either we will have to drive 2 hours to and back from his parents house on a day before school/work or I will have to prepare my home for company which is no small feat with 2 small kids.
It mildly irritates me that it is always us that has to compromise when he comes down. His parents do not care when he comes since they are both retired. It is always us that have to rearrange schedules and make this work. The reality is that we will likely have to get together during his visit and then go back right after Christmas with his parents. I would like to combine this into one visit, but I got shot down by my DH on that one.
Yes, I will have to suck this up and deal with it, but does anyone else have deal with similar situations?
ETA: He will only be here from the 14th through the 21st so leaving before the weekend before Christmas. We will likely have to go there on the 16th...we still have work/school the entire next week.
No he cannot rent a car and come to us...he lost his license about 7 years ago due to DUI. So seeing him also means seeing the parents and the aunt.
Please read the questions folks. No where did I say that I would NOT go on this visit nor did I EVER say that I was complaining to my DH about this. I am complaining HERE which is a totally different thing. My point really is that he does not have to work the holiday...he just chooses to (and yes I do know that for a fact). Now everybody has to rearrange their plans to suit him. We will have to drive up on that Sunday - 2 hours away since I refuse to take my kids out of school for this.
This is a habit with him. He hasn't had a driver's license for 7 years...I am pretty sure that we haven't heard the whole story and it's really none of our business if he chooses not to talk about it. I have heard that he doesn't have the money for a lawyer to get his license back. However, he seems to make a couple of trips to Vegas per year...hmmm....He never seems to be able to get time off of work to come see family,but he always has time to go to Vegas.
If it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you. "I'm sorry, but we can't afford the PTO" is perfectly acceptable. If he can maximize his vacation time, so can you. If MIL has a cow, then she needs to speak to her son. BIL has options, like having the ILs drive to you with him, for example. If it's THAT important, they can all come to you.
His vacation time is his to spend however he wants. You don't really know why he's scheduled this time before Christmas. It could actually be the only time he could get off. Christmas week time off is reserved for those with high seniority or in some cases reserved for parents with children. I would try not to be so judgmental.
Your vent sounds like you expect him to schedule his time for your convenience. Why don't you schedule a day or two of your vacation time when he's visiting? I suggest that you'll be happier if you can accept what he has to offer without taking offense. Yes, it's inconvenient. I suggest that you take a look at the big picture and be glad for what you can have. Christmas is a time of joy.
As for my experiences. I did not get holidays off for many years. My family was pleased to see me whenever I was able to visit. And....I did plan my vacation times around my priorities. When I went to Greece instead of visiting my parents it had nothing to do with my love for them. I loved them the same even tho I didn't always visit when they wanted me to visit. And they were always pleased to see me whenever I could visit.
I'm surprised he doesn't have to work holidays. My cousin is an airplane mechanic for a package delivery service and holidays are busy. He could take time off at his last post but now he can't since he transferred. And commercial airlines are also very busy. I suggest that he really can't get the time off because time off is allowed based on seniority or that he chooses to work, not only for the extra money (which is certainly understandable) but also so others who have families can take the time off.)
I have an uncle that lives several states away. He makes very odd decisions about when he comes down to visit. Sometimes it's convenient for us to head to my grandmother's or my other uncle's house (15 minutes away) to see him and sometimes it's not. We have busy schedules and our jobs don't allow us to simply take time off whenever we feel like it on short notice.
I also couldn't just pull the girls from school for something like that when my middle daughter would get completely thrown off her game by the rude change in routine. She would have meltdowns from the stress of her routine being farked around with. Thank you, Autism. If it happens to fall at a time when it's convenient, we go.
The same thing happens when it's relatives on my husband's side of the family. And seriously, any other adult that throws a hissy fit will have to deal with it on their own. They choose their behavior and their reaction. I'm not responsible for that. You're not responsible for how your MIL responds either. You DON'T have to deal with MIL drama after telling her it won't work for you guys. "I'm sorry you're disappointed, but maybe James came swing by over here before he heads back. He's here for several days, after all, and we're still working while the kids are still in school. It's so much easier for you and Dad and James to make the trip here and stay in a hotel anyway. If that doesn't work for you, then maybe we'll see James on his next trip."
Your husband needs to man up.
So this inconveniences you ONE DAY out of the whole year? Give your husband and MIL the gift of having their entire family together for A DAY without complaining about it.
Since I'm single and until a few years ago was childless, I was always the one to have to travel to see my family at Christmas, and it got pretty old to always be the one who was expected to travel in over the holidays. So, I had to use my vacation time, and I had to manuver my schedule around airline blackout dates. This year, the last day before the Christmas blackout dates is 12/21; perhaps that's why the BIL is going home at that time. It's interesting that you're so uptight that you're having to plan ONE DAY around your BIL's visit, but you think that your BIL should have to plan his ENTIRE HOLIDAY around your family's schedule...actually, you think he should plan his entire year's vacation around his holiday visit so that his brother's family isn't inconvenienced. Wow. Just wow. I think your BIL is fabulous to take a week to go hang out with his parents during the Christmas season on some of the less busy days before things get hectic with lots of visitors, etc when he can have a good visit with his parents. That sounds like a pretty good son, except for the DUI part.
Has your husband tried talking to his brother, to attempt to coordinate their schedules for Christmas? He may have no idea that it puts you guys out. Or send out a group email before the next big family get together, asking about schedules, so that everyone has a say? The other option is to make a plan for your immediate family, and fit in the others as is convenient for you. If you miss a trip or two, or holiday or two, with the in-laws, so be it.
Can't you go the weekend before Christmas? From your post it looks like he will be there.
Think of it this way - because he chooses to work the holiday, maybe somebody who DOES have small children can stay home that day.
AND - because you do it before the actual holiday, you DON'T have to drive two hours to go to his parents on Christmas.
My experience is, people who don't have kids, or who's kids are grown, don't know what it means to you (the one with kids).
Really - if you are going to see him at your in-laws, what difference does it make when you go? You'll be driving either way, right?
GREYHOUND BUS.....TRAIN
Send your husband for his brother's visit, and start a new tradition. You and the kids go for Christmas.
My two cents... you don't "have" to do anything. If it doesn't work for your nuclear family, send along your regrets. The real issue here is lack of a healthy boundaries....
He's a single guy with no responsibilities. You said it yourself.
So why should he have to consider YOU when planning his time off and vacations? Not to be rude here, but you're not his concern. Most single people wouldn't even realize your situation.
Just let it go. Either visit or don't. If he wants to see the kids then he can come to you.
If you don't want to go, don't go. However, if hubby wants to go to see his brother, then hubby should go with or without kids. Since you are complaining about traveling on a weekend and taking a day off, I'm going to assume you work on the weekends? If so, just say you have to work.
Here I commute 1 1/2 hours each way daily, so a 2 hour drive each way, while not fun, would not be a problem for us.
let him take a bus or let hubby take the kids without you and you can get santa's stuff in order ;0)
As a future MIL and grandmother (some day...), I would love to just have my sons without the wives once a year. Stay home--send the kids or not. She just really wants to see her boys.
Vent away here...better to us than them...:-)
I am betting just anything that your BIL has NO IDEA that the plans he makes inconveniences you at all. He is a single man with no obligations other than himself.
Remember way back when...when you were single and had no children (for me that seems like a long long time ago) you never even considered what it took for a family to travel. Well I didn't...
I guarantee that he plans for his best time and schedule and figures..."Hey, they always come to see me and its no problem...whenever I come. Its just a two hour drive...etc etc etc." When you are single and don't have kids a two hour drive over a weekend is no big deal...
I am sorry this always happens to you...family can be so frustrating...I think we all deal with family that have no idea what we go though to make them happy. Console yourself that in a few years time you will be the MIL and you can have things your way...and hopefully will understand the complexities and be more gracious to your children and in-laws...
Sending you a hug!!
Added per your SWH - 7 years ago? Hmmm... he hasn't tried to get a license, is that right? Do they ever take away your license for THAT long? Another hmmm... Send your husband to see him and have him BRING his brother to your house so that you and your kids have your normal schedule. If he won't come, then you know the score.
Original:
Does he rent a car? Tell him to rent a car and drive himself to your place. Accept the wrath of MIL.
I don't understand why you have to suck this up... time for a change.
i wouldnt be mad at him. it seems he has reasons for coming the week before and it seems your in laws are the ones who would be pissed if you didnt show up not him.
to M. things like this wouldnt bother M.. its once a year. 2 hours is nothing. my mom lives an hour and 1/2 away and we goo all of the time, even for short two hour visits. sure i'm annoyed she never visits..thats another story...but 2 hours away shouldnt be that bad
why not go the 15th, so it will be far enough away from xmas that you wont feel so rushed?
