3 Year Old Potty Accidents

ALL behavior is a means to get our needs met. Defiance, whining, pouting, tantrums – also affection, snuggling, humor. Any particular behavior may not be a good strategy, and for little ones, it's often a bad strategy. Children throw tantrums, scream and kick – not as a deliberate, planned manipulation (at least, not those first tantrums), but as an intuitive way to try to meet their own NEEDS, one of which is to let out frustration when it becomes too much for them. Depending on the results they get, tantrums may stick around or eventually go away.

If your daughter senses that she has hooked you emotionally, she feels at least a little more powerful. Even a negative reaction from you tells her she's had an effect. Because she is feeling very little power, that's very, very attractive. She'll gratefully take any power and control in whatever form she can find it. Wetting herself is probably a way of telling you that no matter how much punishment or deprivation (in her opinion) you heap upon her, she can still control that one little area of her life.

More empathy and tenderness actually have far more positive effects on my grandson than parental anger, warnings, timeouts or other punishments. I've been using the techniques outlined in the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can read part of this really practical guide to connecting with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081.... I hopw you'll be impressed with the possibilities.

So before deciding how to deal with her behavior, I'd try this: stand in her shoes and consider life from her angle. Notice all the frustrating, controlling, maddening and discouraging situations for a new little person with little choice and limited language. From there, you might find creative ways to reduce as many of those frustrations as possible. This in turn should reduce her negative strategies to deal with her own frustration.

I hope you will NOT to think of her feelings as "wrong." She really doesn't choose them, any more than you "choose" to feel angry when she throws yet another tantrum or pees herself again. Anger and frustration are natural, and completely legitimate. If you discourage them by shaming or punishing, the feelings won't go away, they'll just go underground and emerge in some other way.

I think she's just acting out with her accidents. I'd give her some more time to adjust to the new breaks. I think she will let it go in time. Perhaps after 5 minutes ask her if she needs to go potty. Or perhaps set a five minute timeline on her break. If she seems calm ask her if she's ready rather than waiting for her.

I have a 4 year old, so I can identify with that. As cruel as it sounds, I will leave her wet for a little while, she'll get it!

M.

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My 3 year old is a tantrum machine as well. It usually happens when she is either still sleepy or when she is tired. The best course of action that I have come up with that seems to work is putting her in her room, letting her scream it out and then going back in after a few minutes. I have also discussed with her the 1,2,3 rule. This is done only for unwanted behavior and so far it has been pretty effective. I told her that if she is being naughty that mommy will give her three chances to change her behavior if I get to three she will be sent to her room. The book that I read suggests one minute for how old she is and says not to deny her any activity in her room but just for her to be removed from the area where she is having the "fit".

I agree with the other mothers, the peeing is a control issue for her. Don't react to it. After she is done with her quieting down time, matter-of-factly take her to the bathroom and either have her clean herself up or help her. Don't make a big deal of it... she is not doing it in a manipulative way. Good Luck!

I've heard it recommended that timeouts at this age should be very short, even one minute. It seems she is, as other responders have noted, getting your attention again after having been isolated. I might take control of the length of her timeouts instead of leaving her to decide. What about setting a simple timer or even a sand filled hourglass? I might also have her sit on a hard chair, to make any clean-up easier.

If she wets herself on purpose, leave her wet until her time out is over and than tell her to clean herself up and any mess that got on the floor, but act like it is nothing to you if she pees. She is trying to get a reaction, don't give her one. I know that you will have to go back behind her to clean the carpet/floor better but just do it when she is occupied with something else. Thinking you do not care one way or another and having to clean the mess herself may cause her to get board with that attention getting behavior, and then she will find another one.